the season's not over yet; i hope you don't forget.

i'm tired.
today daddy borrowed the car (a fucking SFD!) of dr. dev, tt asshole doctor i used to work for (the one who's having having some affair with aunty bino). so daddy picked me and zehzeh frm the hse warming. then i was sitting in the car thinking bout the things in life tt i've realised over the yrs. and i thought: There's so much to wonder bout in life. people just don't do this enough. and so i thought of all the things i've discovered bout life, these so-called profound things. things regular pple never seem to think much bout, or never had to opportunity to discover. and suddenly i feel so old now. i feel like i've discovered so much bout life, love, and living, tt maybe it's time i backed out. (no doubt i haven't lived or loved long, but i've lived and loved much).

of the day (the aftnn, to be exact) -
he (he now being the least drab thing in my currently-prosaic lifestyle) didn't get there till i left. am disappointed of course, but i'm feeling a little too jaded to give it much thought. let's just say i'm wizened and wised up.

i am contemplating sleeping through this new yr. will it be a first? can't rememeber. now where did i get tt idea in my head tt spending the new year without a squeeze would result in my feeling very lonesome and forlorn? total uncanniness i say.

oh yes, magenta orchids are very pretty. also, during next visit to cck cemtery, i must bring a premanent marker.

Merry Christmas.

when the clock struck 12 this morning, my throat miraculously became a lot better. i owe this one to God; thanks my man.

no thanks to andrew for dissing christmas joy. yea sure, we look round and wonder why on this day all these pple are so happy bout a birthdate tt isn't even correct. but hey, happiness is a delicate thing - i would know- so i wouldn't wanna mess with it.

the brat tt is me forced zehzeh to find me some chewy cookies for christmas. i wouldn't accept her $17.50 The Little Prince book (why should i when i have a $1.50 one frm the rental shop, right? haha). she's keeping it for herself anyway. haha. i love my zehzeh. this year, i have no time to make any Larson-style cards. sorry to disappoint those who received them last yr. i do have hugs to give though.
jing came to watch the pageant and attend midnight mass. it was great to see a good friend after so long. {:o)


the eve afternn:
join them for coffee? can't - i have to go home and sleep.
so how am i going home? i'm taking cab home with wayne.

>and almost immediately, i regretted; you should've seen the look on his face... tt look. i was almost sure right then. and now, if he doesn't try anymore, i can only blame myself for sending fucked up signals. if i had put more thought into the replies, they might not have sounded so sweeping and care-less. you know, sometimes i feel foolish right up to my throat; so stupid and childish for guessing and getting it wrong. please let this not be another dumbass mirage.
beda bhai, my aunt agony, what do i do now? i've screwed it up!
note to self: i have till february to remedy this.
lesson of the day: non-chalance can be alluring... if it doesn't backfire.

Tis the season for infection.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Brace yourself with some protection
Fa la la la la la la la la
Spread the warmth and love this season
Fa la la la la la la la la
But if you have some germs, just keep them
Fa la la la la la la la la

Don those masks, prepare some tissue
Fa la la la la la la la la
Just in case you need to *ah choo!*
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dang, I think I’ve caught a virus
Fa la la la la la la la la
Bloody f^%K this goddamn sinus.
Fa la la la la la la la la

got an MC for today and tmr cos my throat is swollen and scratchy. thanks to oversinging, under-eating, overworking, under-sleeping. using my leave on friday. so i practically don't work almost this whole week. woo-hoo!
pageant practice stretched to a crazy 5 hrs last night, and there's more tmr. mumsy is just done altering my xmas dress. i wonder if anyone will wear the same dress for mass...
time keeps stopping. and i don't think it's only cos my watch keeps stalling. but as i was eating dinner by myself yesterday, jing called. and it was like time started moving again. i duno wat i mean. i'm just trying to recollect wat i thought yesterday.

it feels different this time. is it cos i've never liked a guy who was this much like myself? or is it cos it's just been a long while since i've been this pleasantly surprised? ... i'll just take it as it comes and hope for more pleasant surprises.

friday:

wow. the day seems to have stretched itself. this could have something to do with my taking a halfday, but i think tt's not just the reason.

got back bout an hour and a half ago (a la Stuart's jaguar!). i just washed the cigarette smoke (courtesy of paramount genesis) out of my hair. i swear, i recall zilch of my carolling at paramount last christmas. i didn't even know i went! is it possible? did i KO last year and forget everything? (in andrew's words: bizarre...). well, unfortunately for me, the only thing tt i remember of last yr's genesis singing was this sleazeball with a swollen lower lip who kept throwing us horny looks. i saw tt disgusting crapface at genesis today and was suddenly certain i went last yr. ugh.

i went to daddy's hse after halfday "work". i realise tt when i see daddy on weekdays, i'm less tetchy than i am with him on sundays. there's probably no one good explanation to this.

on a different note: am i getting vibes am i getting vibes am i gettin-- *piak*... *piak* (slapslap). ok. no vibes.

things i've noticed of late:
#1: i click better with sji guys than i do with st. pat's guys. something to do with my being frm ij tp (as opposed to KC)? mm, perhaps. i seem to relate better to the former's sense of humour. does tt makes sense? c'mon... gimme a courtesy clap, ya?
#2: to guys who are 3-4 yrs older than me, i am still a little girl. it's really weird. i mean, if it's cos of my size... i'm pretty average-built for girls my age, so why's it tt only i qualify as the little girl? not tt i'm at all bothered; just find it weird tt's all. haha.
#3: i am, apparently cute. like... huh? yeah, beats me. in the past half-yr, i've been getting a lot of comments tt i'm cute. er... ok, haha thanks ah.

Holy Grace kindergarten, graduating class of 1991. if you recognise anyone here, kindly let me know (this doesn't include me ya, but you can guess anyway). i know nothing bout the pple in the picture, except tt there's one matthew (a certain teo hee ann), a pair of twins, 1 esmee koh, 1 andrea, 1 andrew chan, 1 claire chun, 1 elliot lin mingren (my best friend then), 2 jeremys, and 1 amelia (yours truly).

i'm really bored. carolling in 17 hrs.
i will soon fulfil a dying woman's wish, and then i shall be happy.

Saddam Hussein has been captured.
my heart, however, remains at large. i always think i've spotted it, but am always sadly mistaken. since quite a while ago (though i can't point to exactly when), i've found myself bored to bits. i'm craving some form of emotional stimulation. i wonder how some pple can so complacently do without the need for emotional depth.

note to self: try fried camembert i saw at bugis the last time i met durga for lunch there.

shit i have to work new yrs eve night. je ne veux pas travailler. non non non!!!

i have to keep reminding myself tt i shouldn't be looking. i shouldn't even be waiting. i should just... i dunno lah- i cannot sleep... ah... help me. find me a heart i can hold like my own. i'm a naughty little girl i am; disgracefully unpure as you could imagine me to be.
of nothing: i promise to aesthetically enhance this page by adding a picture soon.

i was bored at work yesterday (no, this isn't the newsworthy part). so i decided to look for myself - literally. it was an afternoon of surprises as i discovered things i never knew bout myself. for example: i own and manage a design business, am a member of a UK-based Yeo Society, and i'm corporal in the singapore girls' brigade. also, i was baptised on 30 july 1845 in cornwall and i came in second in a 3km-race hosted by Universiti Teknologi MARA. behold my amazing achievements!

thank you yahoo.com *sniff-sniff*, now i feel like i truly know myself. hahhahaha... welcome to the world of wistful waiting. when it comes, i'm sure i'll know wat it is i'm waiting for.

just now the boredom was really clawing at me.
tmr we're singing at belmont. hope it's good.
zehzeh and i put decorated the tree last night. it was so nice, i had to dance round it a few times.

things tt make me high:
music, love, severe weariness, pms, performing, dancing, severe boredom, oxygenated water, and random sunday mornings. yeah.

just now only, my heart felt pinched. i'm jealous bout anything and everything, of someone - over no one.

i thought the lead of Muse was a girl. and so i thought to myself - when i first saw the video - woah, she's so... woah. if i were a guy, i'd... woah. ok let's stop here. don't get me wrong; when i said woah, i didn't mean shwing. i just meant WOAH (or WHOA, whichever way you wanna spell it). well, he's still sexy anyway.

i saw malcolm thwaites at lawry's. he didn't see/recognise me. i wonder why we called him uncle butch.

daddy is not back frm new york yet. i swear he's staying at the hse of some relative of aunty jessie's. he may earn a lot, but i don't think it's enough to cover more than a week's stay there. i sometimes talk like i've got a problem with this nonsense, but i really don't mind - as long as it's nothing at my expense, daddy can go sleep with whoever he wants. his pasal has never been much of mine anyway. please know tt i'm not saying this with any spite (i've grown into it already anyway).

i wrote a song yesterday. and now i realise it sucks. at first i thought it sounded a little like suzanne vega's Tom's Diner. but then i realised it sounded like some poser-justin timberlake song and i don't like it. so, looks like we'll have to wait for another spurt of inspiration, karin.

sometimes i wonder if i'm turning lesbian. and i think the only thing tt stops me is the memory of being with a guy and my scepticism bout whether a girl could ever offer such emotional gratification. (of course, if i were a guy, this would all not be valid, ya). and so, this would lead us to the next para. (see, i am such an eloquent writer haha)

i don't really love anyone. not even myself. [said andrew]
i'm so sorry you feel tt way (sorry for who, i don't quite know). don't worry, i am not going to launch into some nonsense bout how everyone should love themselves (i don't believe in imposing love on anyone anyway). i was thinking more along the lines of but why? he's good at it, you know. i can testify to tt (i'm not just saying this ok, andrew.) [and just so you know, i'm not nagging. i'm thinking all this]. i won't tell him to go find a girl to love. but when he does find a girl (or if she finds him first), she'd be pretty damn lucky. i love you, my nonsense friend. {:oPig (in a good way haha).

if i don't sleep now, i won't be able to wake for work tmr- wait a minute... tt's an idea... hhmmm haha.

Do you love me?

Do you love me?

Do you love me?
Do you love me?
Do you love me??

i HATE it when pple tell me how bad my complexion is and then tell me wat i should and should not eat.
Look here, you insensitive fuckhead. i am having uncontrollable hormones ravage my system so it's not like i can help it. it's bad enough i look have to look at my screwed up shitface every morning with the knowldege tt i can't do nuts bout it. so don't come tell me how bad i look and stupid shit like tt. if i wanted your comments, i'd ask for them. i'll throw you some P. M. S. and let's see you handle it. i could just tear anyone up now.
RGHHHHHHHHHHHH ,.,.,gt;lnkpbjovjve'hojtvbkjr gde. fuck you.

evreything is grating my nerves right now so screw off and fuck yourself.
i don't believe in childish overusage of vulgarities. but tonight, nothing can justify anything, so leave me alone. 1.26 am.

after work, i took mrt to simei, and mummy picked me frm there. she and uncle jeffrey were out today to get her a birthday present. but they did't find anything she liked, so they dropped me home together with dinner for me and zehzeh, then off they went to Diamond Industries where she would definitely find something she liked. just before i got out of the car, i imagined wat would happen if they got into an accident while they were out tonight. i thought bout how devastated i'd be and how much i'd cry and how far away daddy is at the moment (New York). then it would all be like tt time in cj last yr; when daddy was living in holland drive, and mummy and uncle jeffrey went to penang. and i broke my glasses the first day they were gone. my kindly classmates brought blind me to town to look for a spec shop. will i be so lucky the next time stuff like tt happens?
it scared me when i thought bout this, and so before i exited the car, i sniffled a little to myself and tried not to cry.

today, i thought bout how you are riding my nerves when you tell me things i don't want to hear. i must be cursed to be encumbered with such unproductive sentiment.

i like Sexed Up by robbie williams. painful songs seem to suck me into their melodies - yes, i'm an emotional masochist. but right now, i think i'm just bored.

A-P-A-T-H-Y, there’s nothing left to see
A-P-A-T-H-Y, I’ve lost reason to be.
A-P-A-T-H-Y, there’s nothing left to play
A-P-A-T-H-Y, has stolen my whole day
A-P-A-T-H-Y, numbing all the pain
A-P-A-T-H-Y, life is such a bane.

ON PLAY: I Know, save ferris.

mm... good music, good times.

i have jon to thank today. my dear kawan without whom i could not have lasted the dreadful day at work.
thanks also to durga for breaking the monotony of lunchtime by relating her own hellish worklife.
thank you andrew for calling me at work and for being such a pig (? haha).
really - thanks for calling.

- i don't want to do this kind of job next time - don't get much satisfaction out of it (aside frm the free shoes, water bottle and cool AXN pen)
- lawry's last night was somewhat ungratifying. i hope tt this is only due to the fact tt we haven't yet warmed up to the season.
- good news: my stye has almost disappeared and i will soon be able to wear my contact lenses - yippee.

i want a cj reunion, but i'm so tired. it's hard trying to get pple to meet. it's fun to reminisce bout those good ol' cj days; pontang-ing chinese, doing LSD (haha, tt's Long Slow Distance ya'll...), playing badminton, taking bus with weizhong and prakash, running cross-country (i came in 77th!), having Toilet Club bitch sessions, prancing to the toilet, hanging by the piano, being a trusty geog rep (haha). not doing GP essays, falling for my prince charming... haha. yea, those were good times.

the other day i was thinking to myself tt the key to living life deeply is to empathise. pple don't realise it, but when you empathise, you see everything differently - life seems to become 4-dimensional or something. the realisation is a tad overwhelming if you're new to it, but then when you get the habit of thinking in evryone else's shoes, it gets a lot easier to understand pple and you become more introspective too. this could be to the very root of my schizo/random tendencies; still, i maintain tt empathy is more a good thing than bad.