geragok woes

i am related to many eurasians.

many eurasians are bums.

many eurasians hate many other eurasians

because they think they are bums.

therefore,

i know many eurasians.

i may be a relative bum(bum).

i may also hate related bum(bums).


ps: don't be BESTA, kids!

oh look- what's this? two posts in one night. ok.

so i've been speculating the gayness of certain male relations (mainly ian s/o mother's sister, and also daddy). on this topic, i guess i haven't much to opine except tt i think it'll be a kindof cute if they're really gay and i just wish tt being gay means being happy. but as is obvious in the case of dear jonjon, this may not always be the so. tt's all right. it's all right.

supper sup: Torn - natalie imbruglia

still trying to avoid media law; defamation, copyright- both in theory and in practice- blablah.

i want to go swimming so i can strengthen my muscles so i can jump round like a crazed ape without having my knees give way.

while doing some extremely small-scale roomkeeping, i chanced upon some good sentimental reading material tt will almost definitely keep me amused, nostalgic and will serve as a welcomed diversion frm non-work.. all those old postcards and letters we used to send to each other in sec sch and jc. hah i remember walking past each others' classrooms, passing each other in the canteen and exchanging letters whose contents were highly secretive. with such readiness, we trusted each other with our giggly confessions of crushes on guys or girls. ah, the fleeting sweetness of adolescence.

supper sup: Something That You Said - the bangles

during the first part of symc last week, i was seated beside lidong in the front row (since we were both late) and roger commented tt we looked like a couple. funny, since i was thinking the exact same thing. weird, since i had never even spoken to lidong previously; but we got along quite fine, both of us being lonely and bored victims of the conference. tsk- don't get ideas, i only said we were affable.

i was typing a post last night but i got bored of myself so i left it. and so some thoughts might have spilled over to tonight.


anyway, i was feeling sad bout the few reasons i knew tt vicki jumped, though i didn't know her personally. and i couldnt help but think to myself how some pple hear bout stuff like tt and they feel sorry just cos it's the default response. and i wondered how i could feel genuinely saddened without feeling like i'm doing it just cos. i guess i can't. and andrew just proved my point. why can't you irritate me in a more normal way, a way tt won't make me feel unsettled the whole night?


hush hush, eye to eye

meeting to do the creative brief today at alicia's hse turned into a let's sit round and be the mainstream suckers we really are session. jonathan also discovered for the second time (cos he forgot) tt cacat can dance. then had my prata bom fix at simpang where we bumped into Decipher (minus clemmy, plus zaki).

my latest attempt to chiong was foiled by miserly moods and an overwhelming sense of haplessness.


supping: Because - the beatles

imbibing: Fever for the Flava - hot action cop

tsk tsk tsk, this song. hot action cop is the naughtiest mata haha.

docpro is boring the shit out of me and i've run out of drive, what with the eurasian godmarder being so adamant on depriving me of any useful interviewees.

i could actually be using this time to read the newspapers, watch the news (or anything tt's on tv), to update myself with the world's going-ons. but no, i am too lazy to leave my room. i dream of being a beach bum, or a club slut, or a bag lady. see how ambitious i am.


quaffing: Since You Stole My Heart - saturday looks good to me

me and some of me company, we've been restless. is this the painfully boring part of life tt everyone has to experience? aside from the profound contentment i felt the other day, i am convinced tt the grestest feeling in the world is tt of being in love and being loved back. ennui can be a dangerous thing.

apparently, a yr 3 fsv girl committed suicide a few days ago. why does everyone i've told immediately ask School's very stressful ah? i'm not sure if you realise this, but there are a hundred and one other reasons to kill oneself. wat the fuck's up with sch anyway? well, i don't know the real reason she took her life but watever it was, God bless her.

supping: Black Night - deep purple

all this was a waste of space and time and space and time. i should start reading again.

so i just got back frm the most lovely night i've had since the year began. adv ad meeting at faz's hse in cck far frm my bed but close to my heart now. i was on the train and i looked out and saw a huge fluff of clouds and streams of sunlight filtered through it, shining random streams of light onto watever was below it. it was an amazing sight and maybe it was a good omen, like a sneak preview of the way i was going to feel.

a few hrs into sitting in faz's rm, i began to feel so extremely at peace with myself. i started missing the very moment i was in, i was feeling wistful ahead of time. it was one of those peacefully pensive moods i haven't gotten in a while and i didn't hesitate to throw myself into it. i reflected with sadness how perhaps such good times with these pple will be even fewer and further between after we all graduate and move on. it sounds slightly cliched but oh well.

liy's dad sent me and alicia home in his car which smelt like an aeroplane; tt kind of airplane seat smell mixed with the slight whiff of cigarette smoke. i imbibed the smell and the music and i was higher and happier than a migrating goose. someone strolled through my mind just then and i wondered if he was also thinking of me at tt same moment. the thoughts rolled off my tongue just as bbmak was playing on the radio- and i wonder, are you thinking of me, cos i'm thinking of you. and i wonder...


if these times of profound contentment could be ceaseless and if we could maybe enjoy this together.

sometimes it may appear that i lead a boring life. i can and will tell you- with a fair amount of dolor- tt this is true. in fact, relative to what seems to be a large number of pple my age, i am really quite passive and er-hmm, unhappening.


oh, well.

so, is this year too late to start a bash-barf-bang routine? oh piss off.

on ungodly mornings like this one, i don my cloak of surreptitiousness and prowl through the endless entanglement of weblogs, deriving perverse pleasure frm learning bout the faces and friends of pple i like and pple i don't like and how they are in someway connected to each other. (oh did i just give myself away shit)

listening to: Roulette - system of a down


i wish i could be more sometimes. more to you, and also more to myself. tough shit. no, no, i'm not feeling shitty today. i just feel erm, pensive in a slightly irritated way(?!) NB: i am trying to be aloof and fashionably enthusiastic all at once. i'm not helping myself very much am i no i don't think so.

glad i got to catch the 2nd half of the match outside PS on sunday. i think no one bothered asking me if i wanted tickets cos evreyone thinks i'm not a soccer fan. it's not my favourite game to watch but i still enjoy it, i just never had the time and energy to keep up with any leagues (same goes for chinese serial dramas). in fact, i really miss standing in front of the tv and shouting REFEREE KAYU! REFEREE KAYU! (among other things) like i used to do long ago when i still watched m'sian cup and still thought fandi, lim tong hai, nazri nasir and abbas saad were the hottest fellas to walk the earth (along with lorenzo lamas and rick price, of course. haha).this was also before the time before daddy moved out.

listening to: Ace of Spades - Motorhead


i've been trying to avoid work by staying up late online. i make little time to eat so i'm deluded into thinking i'm busy with work.

oh ya- The Sea Inside is a good show. i was holding back tears at one point (tsk, no tt's not why it's good lah). then after the movie and the match, went to queensway and had ice jelly and some led zeppelin for supper (i gave the sabrat [sic] stall uncle a thumbs up for his shiok compilation cd) before retreating upstairs to daddy's hse. i considered sleeping early but we ended up taking turns to play the guitar. hmm. a little father-daughter bonding thingymajig which i must admit i kindof enjoyed.

in other news, joshua says asked me to go tour with his band in KL after graduation. nothing's confirmed yet but the mere idea of stepping out of the country without parental guidance excites me (yea, cheap fucking thrill, right). i told him you think what? Almost Famous ah? hah.

i'm quite amused by bernard and he seems to be a combination of a few someones i know.

searching for mp3 and lyrics to Zhi Yao Wei Ni Huo Yi Tian now by Huang Sheng Yi. another thing pple don't know - i appreciate old chinese music.

listening to: Buses and Trains - bachelor girl

listening to: You Really Got Me - the kinks


i'm tired but i can't sleep cos my eyes are puffy frm lack of sleep. sending my kawan maan songs and trying to lock work outside my mind. i lost 30-40$ today; misplaced it. nothing new but still, i'm saddened and irritated by my incurable absentminded- and blurcock-ness. i think developer, stopbath and fixer have corroded my stomach and eaten away its lining. i feel like i have heartburn. here's a pretty picture.

i just finished reading liy's latest entry. and i am very touched and feeling sad and calm and filled with bittersweetness. then suddenly Jewel's you were meant for me starts on my winamp playlist and i think to myself, How apt. and i could suddenly remember clearly how i felt when i first learnt how to play and sing this song.


it's been a tumultuous and grossly uncomfortable past week, but the crimson tide (along with all it entails) has finally ebbed and i feel undeniably better. on tuesday liy was doing up a little scrapbook for rizal to take with him to aceh and she was just smiling and smiling as she did it. it could've been tt i was all too eager to find an escape frm my lousy days, but i think it was the unadulterated love for rizal and her candid expression of it tt drew me in and i found myself grinning along and basking in her glowing joy. and i felt genuinely happy.

i've always been slightly impressed by her testaments of love for him in her every blog post. but today's last 2 paragraphs were something tt i could relate a little more than remotely to. this makes me reflect on how i've slowly begun to live my life vicariously through others since i've pretty much resigned to my current state.

shit... now it's celine dion's It's all coming back to me on play. woah crazy shit, this random play thing.

karol and i knocked out at canteen one, with the sun shining gently, the breeze running through our hair, a yr2 dj playing some good old stuff.
towards the end of photojourn, kim fainted in the stuffy chemical-filled darkroom. so wayne sent her and me back. i appreciate his concern (and i'm not saying this just cos i got a free lift back). my very first contact sheet will be ready tmr and i'm excited.

doing my doc pro final on Kristang and i'm excited bout it cos i've always wanted something to do with it. i think the weather is giving me a sense of contentment. i'm tired and the work has started to flow in.

i guess it's almost common belief tt a lot of pple who are very sad cover up their pain by being funny. as a funny yet pained personality, i have to disagree a bit because i'd like to think tt we funny pple are a little more honest than tt. it's not tt pple consciously act funny to avoid coming across as unhappy, but rather, after being pained it's much easier to spot funnies in the things tt others take for granted.

listening to: The Scarlet Tide - alison krauss


last night or the night before, i was recalling to julius the time (some time last yr) when i was feeling really depressed at work over some perpetual loserly issues tt often haunt me and i drew a storyboard for a poignant film clip, and i felt better already. it comprised shots of a girl (whom i of course imagined to be myself) dancing round her room which was contained in a small apartment block on a small street. she'd be smiling and high frm the music then she'd fly closer and closer to the window, climb out and fall 3 storeys dwn onto the pavement downstairs, landing with a graceful thud. her demise is greeted by nothing more than the dark lonely street. she lies motionless and smiling; hers is still the only light on in the block and her music the only sonance. i drew this out on the said day at work and then i felt happy because i had written such a pretty story. who doesn't want to die happy and without the burden of the knowledge tt her death will affect anyone?

i feel tired now but not in a sad stupid way. the weather is causing me to yearn for love. the smell in the air smells of young sweet love tt seems a bit familiar to me. look at the time now, it's past 2 already; and perhaps i need to be awake less.


listening to: Fake Plastic Trees - radiohead

when i'm done with thinking, then i'm done with you
when i'm done with crying, then i'm done with you
when i feel so tired, then i'm done with you
you know everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way

and i do
you can't hear it, but i do
you can't hear it, but i do

listening to: I Do - lisa loeb

All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all we really were doing
Was waiting for love

No need to be alone
No need to be alone

listening to: Real Love (demo)- john lennon