:: Agaetis Byrjun - sigur ros

something's been fucking with my moods. i'm sitting dwn at my table now, having completed a round of banging on the piano keys and torturing nieghbours with my angst-filled half-baked sonatina. i hate i fucking hate it, practising for stupid psalms. maybe when it rains another sticky rain tmr, God will conveniently strike me dwn with a bolt or two. i don't care, i hate fucking psalms; what i hate even more is fucking them up. no, i don't have any patience to figure my way through sharps and flats. i realise i'm missing the whole point of being a good cantor. i sing without meaning it and i tremble at the altar and make bargains with God in hope tt he'll spare me from my own screw-ups.

oh and what a coincidence i just got an email frm john-

"... I've received complaints from the congregation.
Last Sunday, one of our Cantors was dressed inappropriately.

To repeat myself again, for ladies, short skirts (anything above knee-length), revealing tops (e.g. spaghetti strips) and attires with suggestive prints or overpowering myraid of colours are not encouraged. "Not encouraged" is a politically correct way of putting the message across. "Not allowed" is the point.

Please bear in mind you are representing the Cantor Ministry and this is a Mass. Not a fashion show. This is the first complaint that actually came from no one BUT the congregation. I really hope there will be no such incidents again..."


no, i sing on saturdays, not sundays. but i might be tt one who's guilty of wearing magenta shirts with black pinstriped pants and green shoes. or maybe it was my gaudy kebaya tt cucuk'd someone eh? *rolling eyes*
and , i don't feel like i'm representing anyone but myself when i sing up there. i sppose i sound a little obsessed with myself (which i know- and you should know- i am). i'm tt horny bitchy bohemian rebel who's constantly trying to strike a deal with God cos i'm past my age of blind faith and reached the stage of nonchalant cynicism. WILL GOD SAVE ME(?). How bout if i gave up the next contact sheet for a crappy one?

26 feb 05:

happy 20th birthday to mr andrew liu bo qiang. you sounded a bit displeased when you called. hope you had a good birthday anyway.

went to ravi's gig thing at amoy street. good music, though now my ears are numb as ever. i loved the shophouse and tt nice white leather swivel chair- *one revolution tribute to mao lidong*. they had drinks but they had no baileys (???!!!) so i stuck to my waterbottle. some of the guys there looked awful familiar but couldn't figure where i'd seen who. last transmission was best by far. sorry ravi and gang, i really suck when it comes ot giving constructive crticism on the music cos i don't pay attention to details. ya'll sounded good overall though and i enjoyed it. {:oP
took nightowl65 (nightowl... haha) with kumar, resulting in a brief bonding session with yet another newfound eastender. i'm really relishing this neighbourhood camaraderie, you know.

:: Tell Her Tonight - franz ferdinand

mucho gracias to ravi for being up late and loserly like me last night; i managed to get to bed at 3, settled.

hafiz just left cos he came over to print stuff and then we talked cock for some. quite fun ah, to have a neighbour the same age (the last time i had a neighbour the same age, i was 6), especially one who has similar music taste and is in the same sch as me. and since he lives so near, i can actually have someone hanging out at my hse till late without having to worry bout their transport back or the trouble of having them stay over. having someone here in person here in the mornite is a lot more fun (and novel, for me..) than talking with them on msn. cool cool. we should do this more often. neighbourliness is encouraged, no?

how come everyone is so busy? it's starting to worry me.
oh ya, julius said all 22 applicants can go to cambodia. (yippee!). i just hope the other pple are nice. i hope i'm of use there.

i hope i get to do something i'll enjoy in uni and i hope i'll have lots of weed and other yummy things and i hope to come back alive.

tomorrow, ravi's gig thing at amoy street. will meet vick to go. look at me go, the village slut.


:: The Nothing Song - sigur ros

shouldn't we all go to scandinavia and get depressed together? it seems they are quite sad there a lot of the time. please, please will you take me there?

baby, who's the has-been?

i didn't expect anything tonight. especially not this uncomfortable irk inside my stomach.

:: Punchdrunk Lovesick Singalong - radiohead

transcribing in the avid room now. hurhur hurhur.. hurhur hur. (HAHA).

these are some things that i'm allergic to:

fresh cowsmilk.
expired goatsmilk.
being ignored.
daddy touching me.
pple using my towel.
loud irregular noises.
changes in furniture/residence/curtains etc.
being late for a movie.

sometimes i get cramps. sometimes i get convulsive. sometimes i wring my hands and become vexed and suicidal. sometimes i think maybe tt epilepsy medication wasn't made to last.

there are things i like too,
like being in love and reading aloud to myself. i also love when the rain and wind kiss my face and make me near-orgasmic. i like pleasant surprises. i like limejuice mixed with rosesyrup. i like making out on the bus. i like jigsaw puzzles and connecting other things. i like sunsets. i like to run.


i used to think i was the man of the family. i used to think tt i had to protect us. i used to sit behind curtains with my legs sticking out; at least tt's wat they tell me. they also claim i used to mutter to myself as i sat there. maybe in a half-hearted way i wanted to be found.

me and karol, we went to pasir ris park to watch pple as wayne suggested. we took some pics. even though at the back of my mind- and i'm not sure if karol knew this too- i knew tt wasn't why we had to be there. i can't help but notice the many uncanny ways the two of us are so alike, and how parallel our lives are. and i think we both wish we grew up different frm the way we did. we listened to each other's childhood stories over dinner and with every you know wat, i began to understand better why we two are the way we are. i felt some an unexplainable hopelessness as i desperately looked for things to shoot at the park and i had a feeling the pictures wouldn't show touch as much as it would the lackthereof. it seems strange to hug daddy and actually mean it. strange how i would let the (former)bf's hands almost all over me but never let daddy so much as tap me on the shoulder. i know the way i work and i know how i'm indifferent to things i don't know how to react to. and how long will it last, this indifference. i forgot to tell wayne tt touch isn't love; it's acceptance. tt's very important because you know, i've loved a great many things frm great immeasurable distances, and i cling to feelings i cannot bear.

:: Hyper-Ballad - björk

i've never liked bjork much but i loved the way mocca did this song so i got the original frm karin. it's played bout 50 times already.

i'm so relieved the shoot's cancelled cos i'm still trying to get out of zombie-mode.

i like it when we can be honest with ourselves and each other. tt's cool. we're cool. just tt sometimes i wish i weren't so sentimental.

yesterday, durga's bday. glad she enojyed herself in the end. durga, it's true tt you're one of the most honest and spontaneous pple i know (and i know a lot of super tak malu pple) and i find tt truly admirable. love you lots and lots, especially the big presents you will give me on my birthday. haw haw.

i really really really wanna go to cambodia; thanks julius for telling me bout it. during yesterday's briefing i was super excited when i found out desmond wee studied anthropology. pls pls pick me, i wanna go so bad!

if there are any holy pple reading this, pls pray for this guy frm my church. he's got a brain tumour and they're not sure how long he'll live.

so i'm wondering: wat's with all the brainlessness in my entry? hah.

eh the date asked me go watch A Very Long Engagement with him lah. someone else, pls ask me, so i'll have an excuse. er-hmm. THIS IS A HINT. hur hur.

:: Recently Distressed - phantom planet

for most things, i don't know how to start and where to end.

i am trying to cure my internet addiction because i realise tt i've been dragging myself round sch like a zombie and i've been deflecting any sort of information cos just trying to stay awake is draining me of the little energy i have.

hush hush eye to eye.
it's an awkward feeling; it's just a little crush and oh i feel so pubescent. amelia, i hope you realise tt your teen years end in bout 5 mths frm now. but who gives a shit when you're attracted to someone, eh? sometimes i get over-excited and so flushed tt i worry i may scare pple off. are you as excited as me? {:o)

i want to study anthropology or some real interesting shit like ancient history, linguistics... ga-blablahblah. i've always loved learning bout peoples and history and languages, and i didn't know till last yr tt there was a course of study tt encompassed all of tt. so point is, now i know and i am delighted (YIPPEE). anyway, there's a YEP trip to cambodia coming up in april to document the cambodian culture and i really wanna go (plus, it'll look nice in my portfolio).

when we filmed at my place for docpro last sunday, kelly and uncle roy were really curious bout the topic and they were really interested in what we were doing and in kristang itself. i found tt really encouraging and it was heartening to know tt we gang have an audience even before our documentary is completed.

:: Bad Boy - cascada

go techno!

:: Hard To Say I'm Sorry - az yet


lovely harmonies; a damn power version. so anyway, the 2nd day was filled with good food and good company.

zehzeh's bday is coming and i got her the new nigella lawson cookbook. fucking expensive but i love my zehzeh. she's getting her key this yr; boy does time fly just like how a houseflies. (hur... hur..)

i can't remember if the person who told me i was unromantic cos i said flowers rot anyway so i don't mind not having them on vday was the same person who later dismissed valentine's day to be just a gimmick. doesn't metter lah.

just saw tt SRT is open to interns and volunteers. fuck why didn't i see this before my dumb itp. anyway, i was thinking i might wanna intern for a while just for fun. i can't stand all these empty promises i make to myself you know.

:: Le Chemin - sita avec kyo

Je suis le fantôme qui s'égare
Je suis l'étranger à ton coeur
Seulement regarde... comme on est seul
... mais je t'adore encore


goodmornite.

it was a shitty new yrs day. fucking lousy. the only good thing was the cute purple skirt mummy sewed for me to wear yesterday; but then again, even tt screwed me over a few times when it got blown up to expose my thankfully cool brown boycut panties for all the world to see. shit.

my aura must've been really wonky this yr cos this is the first yr i capitaled the banlak game with 34$ (as opposed ot the usual 12) and lost every single cent. the mango rice dessert thing at aunty sumali's didnt taste as good this yr. for some odd reason, i got 10$ less frm mummy and uncle jeffrey. met with rima at 9 at coffeeclub and zehzeh told us tt my date had asked her if he should ask me out on vday (no no pls don't..). bumped into beda bhai outside cine, on his way to rouge. later, the stupid bouncer at china black turned me away after i queued up cos i didn't have my ic with me and he didn't even want to give my np student ezlink a chance (it has my bday and my photo wat)... wat an ass. so ian (s/o mother's sister/designated driver/china black fan) was a bit pissed off with me so we drove round but ended up at cheekys, the only place tt we could be sure i could enter. but then why would a bad day get better?- fucking cheekys figured tt since they installed silly disco lights and added a couple of tables and chairs to the smaller dance section, they could charge us 20$ for cover charge (on fucking ladies night!) D_rgh/............. ian didn't really take the place well and zehzeh got all sick and crampy and we left by 1.30pm. after he sent us home, i accidentally slammed the cover of his car trunk and i think tt really pissed him off.


so that was the first day of CNY. i have 14 days to make good.
tmr: jon's hse, shawn's hse, maybe alicia's hse.

everything bout this yr is so sluggish and it's beginning to worry me. seems as if everything is degenerating and waning. how ominous. if only something amazing and miraculous would happen soon. and i suddenly feel like attending novenas again.

sometimes i wonder where my spirit has gone because i realise tt i've become so relatively calm over the past 3 years. it used to be tt when i was happy, it was a loud kind of happy. but now it seems i've found the patience to listen to my soul. maybe this all sounds corny when i say it but i guess tt's only because the beauty of such serenity is not meant to be articulated because no words tt i know of will ever be able to describe the depth of such calm.

maybe i'm only like this when i listen to my symphony and maybe when mummy goes and turns the radio off (which i know will piss me off), this feeling will disappear and be replaced by one much less sublime. or maybe in a selfish way, i'm finally learning to be.

more often nowadays, i find myself being anti-social, sometimes to the point where i temporarily loathe having to be around others. perhaps i care much less bout the world now because i'm tired of keeping up with it. i wonder if this is what it's like to find enlightenment, or peace, or watever it is we're all secretly looking for.



:: 92.4

the date was as boring as i thought it'd be. i went there with an open mind and tried to be real nice and patient. but sometimes when two pple don't have the same sense of humour (or if one party has less wit and charm than a plastic coaster), any kind of chemistry is impossible.

i asked to meet at esplanade instead of cheekys in the end cos some indonesian band called Mocca was playing and i wanted to check it out. ok, so the date's face wasn't so bad in real life and i did kind of like his checkered pants. but other than tt, i honetsly wasn't really enjoying his company (didn't hate it.. just didn't enjoy it) and half the time i was trying my best to smile politely at his spposedly interesting anecdotes of his OFS/switz sch friends blablablah. watsmore, he has the ian minjoot kind of humour; the kind i've never learnt to appreciate. how do you tell someone in his face tt he is in fact a lot more boring than he believes himself to be? wat also bothered me was his lack of sense of ego; i get damn agitated by guys who consciously try to please others. it's just fucking annoying. blurgh. this experience will serve as Reason#2 in my book of Why i Will Not Date (Reason#1 is tt i don't get asked out).


anyway, mocca was really good and tt was definitely a consolation. wanted to buy their cd but didn't see it at the merchandise stand so i got myself a mocca t-shirt instead. i think it's the first time i've ever bought any band merchandise. haha (yay, a first!) i bumped into nad (who was doing a feature on the opening band Serenaide for UW) and marina who was with shikin. also saw hizuan and khalil (who was one of the organising pple, according to vien). met up with uncleparty, who was kind enough to buy me dinner and then take an extremely unflattering shot of me and the date (boo yoo, uncleparty).

in church, i made good for the last psalm i screwd up by not screwing this one up so badly.

yesterday evening, i went to sit in sunplaza park. always wanted to go there but never had the time, or at least i never made the time. anyway, it was ok- just me, my orange julius triplecheese dog and orange shake, a tiramisu chocolate ball, little miss diary, some other pple which included a trio of singing mats, and the occasional train going frm pasir ris to tampines to pasir ris to tampines. was waiting for the bus home after an hr at the park, then i had the sudden impulse to go watch a movie. walked quickly to tampines mall just in time to catch 9.45pm Finding Neverland. got the aisle seat at the backrow and sat there crying my eyes out half the show. felt good, extremely liberating. i didn't realise how much i'd cried till i saw my red puffy eyes in the toilet mirror.

at the park bench shrouded in yellow light, i wondered to myself why i hadn't come to the park often as a kid (or to any park, for tt matter) and if i had gone and forgot, i wondered why i didn't remember because- i said to myself- wouldn't it have been lovely to have a park in my childhood memory?

i'm extremely bored and bothered and somehow all the things tt i can think of to do just aren't good enough.
something tells me i'm spposed to be somewhere else, doing something else. i just can't put my finger on it. help.

oh if you would stop being the man of my dreams, please.

i had another one of those feel good dreams last mornite- i was having an msn conversation with someone (whom i've dreamt bout before), when he broke it to me calmly tt- oh wait i can't remember the first part tsk shit.. but anyway, he ended by saying tt he knew i was gonna be the one for him in the end and he was happy. i was gaping and going oh my oh my in my head because i (in the dream) was thinking how romantic the whole thing was. i was bout to believe it all- then i woke up. grr.
it's funny tt i should dream of chatting online (it's my first! whee!).

conclusion(s):
1. i know who the man of my dreams is (i do mean this literally).
2. i am spending a bit too much time online (note to self: this is an understatement).
3. reading friends' blogs and/or living one's lovelife vicariously through them may have weird effects on one's subconscious.

you may now throw oranges at me and shout stupid shithead! in my face. i've gotten myself stuck in a stupid blind date sortof, which i can't get out of. d-rgh!

gratitude must be extended to zehzeh who must now be grinning her ass off cos she's just realised how much he resembles wendy li, the butch senior frm ij. ok so i am critical but oh no please why me?

it's a blind date precisely because i already know how the fella looks like and i would like to blindfold myself for tt night just so i can avoid seeing his face. he's not ugly, but is unfortunate enough to have tt imasillyfrenchspeakingformerinternationalschstudentwhothinkslowlyofsingaporeansandhappenstohavenosenseofstylehawhaw look (and attitude). i anticipate a lot of annoying je pense que nonsense frm wats-his-face, duly followed by a lot of eye-rolling on my part.

and so anyways, i've been calling for backup. all who wish to support me in case i am bored with said date, come to cheekys, sat nite. hur hur. if you're going down to laugh at me, please- PLEASE stay home and laugh. after showing the picture to liy and to uncleparty, i now have a clearer idea of what an idiot i am, so i won't be needing any reiteration of tt, thanks.

i will try adopt a more positive attitude since i have but no choice.
One bad thing leads to a good thing. yes, liy? i certainly hope this applies to everyone.


:: Do It With Madonna - the androids

Roll the carpet and pour out the wine
Treat me like its your first valentine
Cos honey baby you've been on my mind
Like all of us who have waited for a time

I'm calling can you hear me
The angels will steer me
To your door, feel so sure
the night is the brightest
who knows what I really will hear
what I really will say
what I really will feel
who knows what you really will hear
what you really will say
what you really will feel

wall the papers and call your friends
no longer do we have to pretend
Cos honey baby youve been on my mind
like all of us who have waited for a time

i'm calling can you hear me
the angels will steer me
to your door, feel so sure
the nite is the brightest
who knows what I really will hear
what I really will say
what I really will feel
who knows what you really will hear
what you really will say
what you really will feel

quicken your beating drums and
draw me some wildfires

i'm calling can you hear me
the angels will steer me
to your door, feel so sure
the nite is the brightest
who knows what I really will hear
what I really will say
what I really will feel
who knows what you really will hear
what you really will say
what you really will feel

i'm calling can you hear me
the angels will steer me
to your door, feel so sure
the nite is the brightest

:: Calling - leona naess


ik. so cute. finally started on medlaw.