you know what's the best thing bout eating ice cream on a hot day? (and this is also why it's better than winning toto or suchlike): you just have to be happy. tt's it. you don't have to think bout anything else - just be happy.

i woke up at my stop and was too lazy to rush down the bus so i waited till the next stop. but before i did, i heard and saw two mats slouched at the back seat - one playing the guitar and singing dangdut. this amused me. and then, i bought bread yam ice cream. contentment in a dollar. sweet.


i didn't realise my bohemian ambivalence would be such a great problem. i thought it'd be our unbalanced sexual energy or my motor mouth, or something like tt.

while briefly giving thought to my disgusting and disappointing answers on the 93.8 interview, i considered what a terrible masscomm graduate i was. i cannot think of any one thing tt i am good at. it's a bit frustrating to be blessed with many little intangible and immeasurable talents and not be good extremely at any of them.

i don't like it when pple credit my lame jokes to uncle jeffrey by saying i'm so lame just cos i've been influenced by him the past 5 yrs. tt really pisses me off because no one seems to take into account the fact tt i've been punning since primary school. it's one of the few things i'm actually dare admit i'm really good at and i hate it when stupid pple just attribute it to someone else.

you see. now you've gone and made me angry by talking bout things i don't like. i'm upset now. i want to go and sleep. fucking idiot.

i've stopped remembering the things tt i see in my sleep. not by choice, of course. i'm feeling sad and tired. i don't know how it started, but some time yesterday as i was packing up to go home, i felt worn. i had planned to watch a movie so i was msging several pple. i was hoping one person would go with me; not 'at least' one, but just one. because i wasn't lonely, just sad. on the bus, i was on the brink of having a sobbing fit. i wanted to call lidong and tell him not to leave me. not tt i any reason to believe he would. i just needed assurance.

i got to work today feeling unloved. i wish the rain would pour down and soak me in its dewy goodness.

:: Worn me Down - rachael yamagata

watching the movie by myself didn't really make me feel better. especially since it was a damn cock show, bloody self indulgent film. it was so bad, when it ended, i didn't know whether to laugh or cry. i haven't felt this down in quite a while. i feel like lying on lidong's bed and watching cars like we did tt night before my birthday.

michael jackson.

i watched charlie and the chocolate factory tt day and you know, the way willy wonka was portrayed in the show reminded me immediately of someone; the unnatural pasty white face and thin flushed lips, the gloves he wears, the way he speaks and giggles nervously, his aversion to probing questions, his kooky notions, his apparently absent childhood, his big castle... you know who?

haha don't tell you. must have some suspense ah.

boohoohoohoohoo.

my eyes are drying out and my nose is runny. i've finished all my admin work. the kids aren't in school today because of PSLE oral so i boh seng li. i'm just sitting round reading chicken soup for the mother's soul and i keep having to walk across the room to get a piece of tissue after each story. i don't know why i don't want to just take the whole tissue box and put it in front of me.


i can't remember if i've told you before, tt i've always wanted an older brother; to look out for me, to send to beat up pple who threaten me, to talk to. i also don't know if i've told you before tt lidong told me he's always wanted a younger sister. i thought bout this just now as i was reading, and i smiled at how we feel so comfortable with each other. how can being with someone feel so right? (and how can my boredom suddenly morph into sappiness?) i won't dare say it feels like tt all the time, but maybe just a lot of the time. i'm not sure if a lot of pple are aware of this: the more you have, the more you stand to lose. tt's why sometimes i don't worry bout having too much. but right now this doesn't bother me.

sometimes i feel like half of what i say is drivel. i wonder what will it will be like in three years' time.

there is no music here except for the whirrs and gurgles coming frm the aircon, the constant bubbling in the fish tank outside and, occasionally, the curious sounds of books being re-arranged on the shelves outside (GAH!!).

:: 1979 - smashing pumpkins


i took elaine to poptart. me karin her and nick(...). and then lidong decided to surprise me. i was ecstatic; oh if you could've seen me. i'm glad elaine had fun. i mean, you wouldn't want your first time to be a fucked up one. nick pissed everyone off (not surprising); i only went with him cos tt was the only way elaine could go in. natalie took a few pics of us. and i was actually telling myself now i'm gonna be in the poptart gallery! yay! you're such a whore, amelia.

desmond's new place is really cool. nice to chill at and good for parties.


daddy is an interesting person if you bother to get to know him (which i seldom try to). we were sitting at nooch watching the throngs of fireworks-watchers make their way back home. did i see sparkles in their eyes? i didn't notice. so daddy looks on while i eat.

"Maybe bout 10 pple passing through the tunnel every 5 seconds," he suddenly said thoughtfully.

i immediately did the maths in my head: "7200 pple in one hour," i said.

"Mm. i don't think the transport system i have in mind could support such a crowd. how many alight frm the mrt at the busiest station?... 50.."

"No lah.. where got. at least 100 lah." my insolence always makes our conversations seem less awkward- to me at least.



bout 2 or 3 yrs ago, daddy drew up a new transport system which he envisoned would be implemented in spore. personally, i don't know what's unsatisfactory bout the current one. but anyway, he said it'd work together with the mrt. i think tt if the LRT system wasn't already invented, daddy would've been the pioneer of it. so he drew up this whole system. the inside of the train, how it'd look like, everything. it was actually pretty cool, though i don't think i told him i thought so. i duno who he pitched the idea to. but he stopped mentioning it after a while. well, till recently i.e.. maybe if i had been more supportive, he'd have told me more.

daddy channels a lot of his energy into thinking up business plans or ways to make the world a better place. too bad he didn't spend as much time and effort on us. tt makes me sad and i feel like crying now. but remember amelia, tt shit happens so you will be relieved of congestion and can make way for the other tasty things you didn't have enough space to stomach.


i didn't inherit the business mind and i get annoyed when daddy tries to make everything seem like a potential business plan. he doenst do it in a selfish way of course (his intentions are always a bit philanthropic). before i graduated, he asked me what i planned to do. i brushed him off, muttering some tentative plans. then he said why dont you start a newspaper for the local philippino community. you and your friends can write articles and columns and you can get ad revenue. ya ya ya, i said. but if you think bout it, it is a fucking good idea actually. now tt i've written it dwn, i'll have you know tt this idea is copyrighted ok. if you're on bout doing this, pls give my father some credit.


i'm happy for liyana. eh, we're both corny, we both lived in bedok, and now, we both have cool stepfathers. ah-haha.

granny used to be a dancer at a nightclub. she had her first son by duno who. then she had a second son (daddy) with a rich chinese businessman. the latter's wife disapproved so he gave granny a 1-carat diamond ring and then left her. then she met grandpa, who worked in the postoffice. they got married and she sold her diamond ring cos they had no money. then they had another 4 kids. granny was frm china but she apparently lived and schooled (tt's why her english was so good) with her rich cousins in hongkong or shanghai or something where she was did things like go ice skating and stuff. i duno how she ended up dancing at a club in singapore though. she love fred astaire and she could dance the foxtrot and the charlston. i wish she shared her life with me. i only know all this frm daddy.

i'm fucking pissed with myself and with just now and with everything. i wanted to fling myself out of the window. i wanted to be selfish, i wanted to hate the world and make sure everyone knew tt i did. i wanted to let myself go and leave evrything behind. in my head i could see how lidong would try to knock sense into me but i won't budge and i'd selfishly loosen my grip and just go. i'm so much vainer than you think and i'm full of myself. i just want to feel good and i want to hurt myself to feel good. i don't want to be comforted by anyone's feeble words. won't you wave me off when i make my last hurrah.

A DAYTIME INTERLUDE (starring Mr Ginger the Gemuk)





Mr Ginger, gatal.




Mr Ginger, geram.




Mr Ginger, globbish.




Mr Ginger, goodbye.

:: Happiness is a Warm Gun - the beatles

i woke up and my eyes were still not really better. worked till almost 2 then went to dr tay's all the way at bedok then me and my conjunctivitis peepers rushed down to sch for the recording, which went quite well. hurray to us.

i was sitting at the old malay coffeeshop beside the clinic eating a burger and waiting for dr tay to return frm a housecall. the radio at the drink stall was blaring dangdut and i tapped my feet to it as i sipped by tehbing, all to the amusement of a lepaking pakcik. i smsed random pple delightfully: All hail the closet minah! only adam replied... to tell me tt i'm crazy. later, i observed a certain mr ginger as he groomed himself then got comfortable in the clinic.

i actually really like my job you know. i hardly get to sit down and read a book, but it's a really relaxing way to earn money.

im taking elaine to poptart this sat. she's never been into a club cos she's not 18 yet so she's really excited haha. so cute. we just realised tt the two of us have quite a lot in common. other than the fact tt we talk like machine guns (in two respective accents), we just realised we're gonna be studying the same thing in different unis and wat else ah? haa i duno lah. but it's fun to find out i have a cousin with whom i have a lot in common.

MAJULAH SINGAPURA!

marilah kita bersatu
dengan semangat yang bahru;
doo doo doo, woohoo!

it's actually good to have a job tt ends at 3.30 everyday. then i get back early (without having to battle the peak-hr crowd). i come home, take a nap and now i actually the time and energy to read the papers. just read tt jenna jameson wants mike tyson to be costar in her next film. she apparently heard tt he's big in places other than the boxing arena.

i'm going to be busy this week. elaine and jon (and aunty peng and uncle steven) will be down frm london tmr evening, lidong is coming home frm camp tmr also. rima is back frm kL for a sch brk. jing is back frm glasgow also frm sch brk (since last mth). daddy wants to spend time with me. i wanna meet up with karol, durga, karin. and also ravi cos we haven't met for like, 3 mths. lucky next week holiday. i'm so happy i dont have to work till thurs.

eh you know ah, tt national day reach for the stars song is stuck in my head. haha. so is the marist creed and the maris stella sch song. ah....

lidong called just now at 1712. {:o)
he said he'd call again before lights out but i guess he's fallen asleep (either tt or he took too long to bathe haha). i'm so excited; i wanna go swimming with him.

eh i didn't tell you i got my legs waxed and my hair cut in bangkok right? ok, so now you know. it was 24 S$ and 16 S$ respectively. the wax was bloody scary lah. it was black and smelt funny. the lady set the pot between my legs, scooped out a spatula-ful of wax and started blowing and fanning it. i was wondering where the strips were as she smeared the wax on, but then later she started peeling the wax frm my legs with her bare fingers. tt's when i told myself, wah fuck, this is gonna be a long and painful day. the worst part was, after she stripped the wax off, she dumped it back into the pot. hmm how economical, i thought. until i realised tt there mustve been like at least 2 other pple's hair in tt wax. eck.

you know, much as i can't stand the attitudes of some singaporeans, i feel really blessed to be living here. i really really like coming frm a multi-racial background and i'm proud of the fact tt i can speak and understand more than 2 languages.


oh anyway, there was a short hiatus just now cos lidong called again. i can't wait to see him. and rima too.