Friday, June 29, 2007

:: Because of You - ne-yo

back in spore. feels like i never left and i wonder why. cept for the fact that i have no bf now. no calls to expect. i don't know if i'll ever be ready to be back.

i spent the whole of last night (wed night and thurs morning) packing my rm and raes rm into my grey box. earlier in the night, i called ophe and nora over to eat krispy kremes and strawberries and cherry tomatoes. i realised i enjoyed the company. i hope it'll be this good when i go to ottawa. packed all through the mornite and then had brekfast with nora, a hungover ophe and neer. we were the only ones in the dining hall for bout half an hr and it was nice. why must good times be fleeting.

i'd been wanting to try and talk to lidong for a while but i figured i'd give him time to cool off or do watever he needs to. and then i've been busy with the exams and the roadtrip and the packing and i wasn't ready to try and vindicate myself again and get all emotional.

just talked to him online and we were back at the accusations. i don't think all this would've happened if we hadn't been so far apart physically. maybe i would've been able to understand better how he felt bout his mother thing and maybe he'd be able to explain to me better and i could've helped better or not seemed so pushy. i feel stupid to have been so rash. i guess everything just built up. i still don't get his whole accepting pple for who they are thing. it's not like he doesn't get angry when i throw a tantrum. but it's not his job to accept them, it's my job to change. this is wat we apparently can't agree on. tough shit.

one of my favourite songs now. for lidong..

:: If You Don't Mean It - dean geyer

i keep wishing i hadn't said i wanted out. i keep wishing it'd worked out happily ever after. it's better this way it's better this way it's better this way. i guess it doesn't matter how much i try to explain myself. he's not interested anymore in wat i have to say cos it makes no diff to him. at the same time i don't even know what i'm trying to prove with all this talking. it's not like i'm dying to patch up cos i don't think it's a good time right now. i feel extremely unclever, amelia. wish i knew the answers to his questions.


seems like the end of this sem, i've been hanging out a lot more with guys. duno why it is tt i've always liked hanging out with guys more. it makes me really happy too, having guy friends. i wonder why tt is. and i'm actually really proud of myself for having guy friends who regard me highly.

random things:

- i realised on the road trip tt alex can sing. when there's a note he can't reach in the song, he changes octaves easily. i'm impressed. still, he pisses me off with his non-stop talking. congratulations to him for being the first person i've actually told frankly to please shut up cos they talk too much. and now i can actually empathise with the pple who tell me to just sing instead of talk.

- cherrilyn, edmen, nora, ophe and i made muesli cookies at edmen's set the other day. i suggested it so i could get rid of the remaining muesli which i bought but decided i didn't like. the cookies turned out good. and the only person who didn't like them was neer. i'm really proud of myself not just for the success baking day but also for actually carrying out something intended to do.

- iris' 21st in jb on sat. i'm spposed to sing something cos i stupidly offered but i haven't thought of a song yet and i won't even have time to practise with the band. oh well. i actually really want to watch the spore vs msia and vs aust matches but i promised to go for iris'. plus i havent been to jb in a while so it'll be good. i hope we don't get attacked in jb if spore wins.

- zehzeh's bf sean seems nice enough.

- i was looking forward to watching movies and spending time with lidong. i hate myself for spoiling it. not doing very well for a smartypants uneverstudy student, amelia.

- i have to contact tony cos i promised to 'collaborate' with him. i'm not too enthusiastic bout singing rnb stuff but i'll try. it'll be good experience. now the problem is contacting him cos he never comes online or anything.

- janan's driving is very bad and shame on him for criticising my driving at the go-karting. he drives a car like i drove the go-kart. i'm thankful i came back frm the roadtrip in one piece. the best part prob was the train part. i never knew trains could be so fucking long. thankful also for alex's ipod and dan's itrip.

:: Big Girls Don't Cry - fergie

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

78% FOR MY FUCKING ESSAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! woohoOoOoOoOO! and 71% for my last french test!!
it feels so good to know all the pain wasn't for nothing and that despite feeling all fucked up and shitty inside tt week, i crapped out a fucking distinction. how come i always think my essays are shit when i read them before handing in? who gives a fuck now. ah-hah. fuck. tt's some good shit. to top off a feel-good exam. and i went grocery shopping with colin at broadway. new bath soap, new funny freshie friend, new brand of palak paneer, new feelings, new happy! makes me forget my swollen throat and pain wisdom tooth and lack of sleep. i think God should get some credit cos i asked him to let my exam go ok. thanks, God. {:oD


d'hier:

"i was sitting crosslegged on my bed hunched over my laptop today, listening to guy sebastian's angels brought me here on windows media player. after a while i stopped listening to the music cos i was mesmerised by the swirly electric visualisation thing. it was like a multicoloured blob of radiating pixels, with a line from the middle going round and round. it looked like a one-handed clock. i gawked at it and used my finger to follow it in the air in front of me and just doing that made me laugh.
i stepped out of myself and saw the way i laughed reminded me of arnie grape. and of the children i hung out with when mummy used to volunteer at margaret drive special sch. and a bit of jerald, one of the kids i taught in jan. and then i wondered why we had to put these kids in schs and teach them how to be more 'normal'. then i thought of how pple i know would react if they saw the way gawked and giggled at the things quite often when i'm alone. tt's not fair, i thought. why do i have to be normal like you if it means i have less fun?

then i felt bad bout the times i acted like all teacher-ish and told jerald to sit down and behave like the other kids instead of going off to the corner to mess round at the music corner or laugh excitedly to himself. wat a spoiler he must've thought me. it's not his fault his behaviour was 'disruptive'. and by this i dont mean 'it's not his fault he's born tt way'. i mean why should he be denied the sheer elation just because the rest of us don't know ourselves how to reach tt level of joy?

sometimes i wonder if my brain really went a bit awry when i had fits. it's really not tt i try to be different. i find myself acting like autistic sometimes and i don't even try, it comes naturally. maybe it's just idiosyncratic escapism. shouldn't be any different from an inclination to do sports or go on a holiday or binge, right?"




:: This Year's Love david gray

Monday, June 18, 2007

hi, can i be your friend?

can i stop feeling like you don't think so highly of me now?
can i hold you tight and say i wish we'd made it?
can i get to know you better the way you say i never did?
can i do it all without grimacing?


this couldn't have come at a worse time. nor a better time. just tt i have no time. but i'm thankful i can sing. i'm thankful i can multi-task. and i'm thankful for the distractions.

it's not that i haven't been happier than a month ago. en effet, i've been feeling lighter since the thursday before last and even lighter since the following monday. but when i'm alone, it comes back to me again and again and again. it bothers me that though you couldn't wait to see me and though we were supposed to talk bout it when i got back (you said so yourself), none of tt looks like it's gonna happen. can ideas and feelings just disappear like tt? poof. bye bye. adieu. how come i feel so uncomfortable? i'll call you ok? i hope you don't ignore me; i know you prefer to shut out things you don't like. (tt's your 'flaw', if you like. the one i won't pretend i can overlook). i wish you knew me better too.

so much for sleeping before 3.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

it doesn't matter what or how much you do; pple only love you for who you are.


i think she's got it spot-on, edmen's mum. i don't think it's sad. i hate to sound annoyingly optimistic but it doesn't make me feel sad. it makes me feel like we (analogical 'we') could try to live our lives over again.
and i wonder what lidong is doing tonight.

it's 5.40 and even julian is not awake.


:: Hide and Seek - imogen heap

Monday, June 11, 2007

:: Tell Her Tonight - franz ferdinand

and this song too. he sent me this while we were talking online one night. {:o)

nap time. please, no more nightmares.
it doesn't feel right. saturday afternoon, i cried into my dinner. for once the asian university restaurant got my order right and it had to be the time that i screwed up. you can't have everything, amelia.

:: Wild Horses - tori amos

i thought i was doing ok but when im alone in my room, the pangs of regret grab at my insides. it feels wrong and it feels rash and i can't help but wonder if there was a better way to have solved it. it's a tragic story. i imagine lidong is feeling cheated. i wish i could say i loved him with all my heart all the time. i guess i don't have that same capacity i had at 17. it seems a shame to end a relationship via msn. just like that. so much quicker than when we started it.


this sounds stupid, but can we still be friends?
that's up to you.
what you mean? why's it up to me?
cos you're the one tt's always feeling
whether we're still friends also depends on you also what!
it doesn't matter lah. doesn't matter anymore. the sun is coming up. i'm tired, i want to go sleep. bye.
ok.. b-
--you have one thousand one hundred and 22 minuntes in this call.


i told him it was tragic, you know? and he said it didn't matter. yea, words never really did much for him. i don't understand his concept of flaws. i don't believe in loving pple and all their flaws. if you see something as a flaw, chances are you're going to have some contempt for it even if you try to love past it. and it will come back to haunt you, your contempt for these flaws you 'overlooked'. i tried to love him and i wanted to and i thought i could. i wish it didn't have to end like this. i don't feel like there's any closure and i know i'm gonna suffer for this in the longrun.

violent pornography and old sch hollywood remind me of lidong. together with amie. i wonder what reminds him of me. am i your motorcycle driveby, lidong?
i loved you lidong, and in the times i didn't, i tried. thanks for loving me.


Tuesday, June 05, 2007

i hate this. i hate this. i hate the way i'm just hanging here. i don't like where everything is going now.

en ce qui concerne le rapport, i'm just so tired. i thought maybe if i just concentrate on my work and get it done properly, there'd be at least one good thing to look forward to, one thing i can maybe anticipate. but even tt's not working. i don't like how i feel stuck. how long is it going to take me to think of a way out of this mire? i hate quitting. i hate asking for extensions cos i hate having to come up with lame excuses. i'm going to try again tmr with the essay.

:: Drive - ziggy marley

who's gonna drive me home tonight?


fais des beaux reves, he told me. improbable, i said. mais merci.

gosh i suck at this whole living thing.

:: Crying in the Rain - aha

i was gonna stop writing then this song came on. hah. last mornite, i lay in bed and thought i heard the echo of an ache in my heart. i closed my eyes but no tears came. la vide, c le pire.

Friday, June 01, 2007

sometimes i do or say things and then i feel bad. and it's usually when i'm all smug and feeling self-righteous and shit.

i don't know what i try to prove sometimes.

shana (12+) is in london visiting aunty peng and she was on msn. i asked her wat shes been u to. she replied "sightseeing... trying to have an accent"...

i was like "trying to have an accent"??? wth. hah. and then i tried to be helpful by providing reasons why she didnt have to or shouldn't "try to have an accent". ok, so i wasn't just trying to be helpful. i was also ranting and being a real anal bitch. i had to also add in how i hate it when sporeans try to do some stupid fake accent to impress duno who but end up being unintelligible to everyone. she said trying to fit in mah. so i told her: do you see any angmohs in singapore trying to speak like us? no. the scottish exchange students here dont try to speak aussie and neither do the americans or mauritians. and then she said that's true. and i felt so smug.

tt was all not so bad, till the nxt time she came online, and told me: you know, you're not photogenic at all (with ref to my new msn pic). i replied, and you are not really very tactful. and then she replied in what i imagined to be a very smart-ass tone: well i say what i need to say.

see i don't mind being told im not photogenic cos i'm not. but i fucking hate it when kids get all smartmouthed like that. so i tried to explain to her the beauty of euphemisms but to no avail. as a last resort, i gave the analogy of a very sensitive person being told she is fat and then consequently committing suicide. then you'd feel really bad, i told her, naively thinking to myself tt she'd finally gte my point.

but then she stopped talking to me altogether.
and then i felt bad. i thought bout what i said and i felt really bad. cos i knew that if i were her, i wouldn't talk to me anymore. or if i did talk to me, i'd do so with half the comfort level of before.

during the conversation, i remember i also remarked that she's just like her younger brother (whom she doesn't like very much)- never listen properly blablablah. and she made the :'( emoticon. but i just went on and on, my level of smugness boiling over slowly.

why is it my pr skills fail me sometimes? why am i so unforgiving and so fucking anal? how come i feel so listless? i remember the grudges i held against pple who spoke to me in tt smug way in secondary sch and i'm so afraid my cousin will never talk to me again. for all the talking tt i do, i only seem to be driving pple further away.

i feel like i have myself to blame for crap way i'm feeling bout lidong and me. it's probably firstly my fault for first talking to him and getting curious and getting his msn and blablablah.


...But who suffers more? edmen asked. The over-complicated one or the simple one?
The simpler one, i replied. He suffers without understanding the reasons why.


maybe ankit was right- i should not talk at all and just sing instead. which is a reasonable deal, since the latter seems to bring much more joy into this world.


:: Should I Leave - david charvet