it suddenly dawned on me on the train home tt i already am tt crazy bag lady i talk about all the time. i lug a motherload of emotional baggage in my heart and all i'm doing about it is getting used to the weight. if i want to be allowed onto the elevator tt will bring me greater emotional heights, i'm gonna need to throw out some of the things that i'm done using. i'll prob still be crazy, but without all the unnecessary anxiety. corny as it sounds, i think this epiphany is going to liberate me. i pray it's not too late.

feeling pretty terrible right now. i thought i needed to be honest and tell him how insecure i was when he was away, and tt i was afraid he was gonna go off and never come back. it was really bothering me to the point where i couldn't think bout anything else anymore. so i told the truth because i felt he needed to know tt i am truly a stupid basketcase sometimes. i guess i'm not being very fair. i thought more than a year was enough to help me move on. and i did move on but somehow i've backtracked into a stupid rut of insecurity. how did we get here, amelia?

now ive had a cry about it, i'm thinking ok great maybe i can now concentrate a bit more and think straight. but i fucked up already. terribly. and sorrys are not gonna be able to undo jackshit. i'm sorry, gimi. i love you like more than a good friend and it's not fair of me to expect more from you than you're ready to give. and i need to let go of these things tt are dragging me down. {:o(

i have problems trusting pple nowadays even when i want to. maybe i think too much. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

:: No More I Love Yous - annie lennox

one week to concert and my throat is beginning to act up even more. over the past week, i've mysteriously sustained numerous physical hurts: multiple scratches on my forearms, a bruise on my upper arms, scratches on my shin. and then yesterday, i bumped my knee against a seat on the bus, and now i have a bruise right on top of the three burn lines i got from my last ipl couple weeks back. in class yesterday, i noticed two small indentations on my knuckle. was trying to figure out where they came from then i realised they were toothmarks. i had been subconsciously biting myself just 2 mins before i noticed the marks. almost seems as if my body is bent on discreetly trying to kill myself. i went to see the doctor again today. nabei fuck of all days to do it, a public holiday. but i had to; i finished the anti-inflammatory i got from last wk's dr and my throat seems to be getting worse and my chest felt tight this morning. so anyways, this new dr i saw today was really annoying. first thing she did was shove her icecream stick right to the back of my throat. of course i tensed up... you don't need to actually prod my tonsils to see them, right?? then she did it several times until i gagged on her. can i help it i'm not linda lovelace? a left with- among other things- a box of 5 antibiotic tablets which cost a whopping 45$. insane. it'd better cure me for life, man. on the way out i bumped my knee again. it then occured to me how much of a liability i am to myself and others. i was perusing the indications leaflet in the antibiotic box just now and dsicovered tt such broad-spectrum antibiotics have been "shown to cause lesions in the cartilage of the weight bearing joints of immature animals". could it be tt my joint probs a result of having taken a silly amount of antibios my whole life? how fucking unfortunate. sometimes i'm not so sure it's better to be alive. last night, while sitting on my bed ruminating, i thought bout how strongly my emotions manifest themselves as physical afflictions on my already ailing body. why am i such an emotional basket case? i'm always in some kind of emotional pickle... you'd think i'd have learnt to steer clear of relationships by now but oh well. i've even recently scaled to an even higher peak of emotional neediness. well done, amelia. well done.

:: Wait It Out - imogen heap

Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
the endless in between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

oh ya, i lost my watson's card. {:o(

:: the sounds of journey (i think) coming from either the block opposite or from my block and bouncing off the oppsite block.


tt's the thing bout living in hdb- my living room window faces tt other block but i can still hear the music when i'm in the kitchen. in fact, i had actually thought the music was coming frmm ze parents' room. not tt i'm complaining. i love it, in fact.

i've just come back from a mini excursion:
went to the clinic nearby at 1230 and the unfriendly staff registered me and then told me i had to come back after 2. so i took the bus out to the 24-hr clinic to see if i had better luck there. i had never stopped at tt bus stop before so it was quite an adventure, strolling past the heartland shops. so many sights and sounds to take in. so anyway, i was third in line and my consultation took less than 5 mins. ventured to the nearby coffeeshop which i had never eaten from even though i've stayed in the area for the past 10 years. i'm always nervous when it comes to eating at an unfamiliar coffeeshop because i know i have a low threshold for lousy local food. lousy angmoh food, maybe i can tahan. but low standard char kway teow or nasi goreng? intolerable. anyway, i decided to try the "famous pontian wanton mee" and thank goodness it was quite yum. the sauce tasted like 1part black sauce, 1 part melted lard, and the wanton had a kiam he taste. the tastiness totally made up for the lean charsiew. i'm going back there again one day.
then past some pet shops, bought some very heartland looking cakes from one of the dozen bakeries.. (i'm thinking it must be really competitive here). was looking for my bus stop when i spotted YES!supermarket so i went in to see wat rubbish i could buy. i was quite amused by the haphazardness of this mega mini-mart. in the chilled section, there were 500ml bottled drinks (coke, Htwo0, green tea etc). right below tt, cans of beer and more soft drinks. and right below tt, bags of chestnuts, onions and bunches of garlic flower stems. tried to look for anti-perspirant spray but couldn't find tt. but what i did find were big bottles of johnson&johnson's nomoretears shampoo. wah used to use tt when i was young. so i stood there opening every bottle to have a whiff of my childhood. as i lined up to pay for my pear and mixed berry juice, i spotted the anti-perspirant section- right under the checkout counter. haha. i love my heartlands. on the way to the big bus stop, i made two more stops - at sundry shop to buy myself a 6$ auntyaunty batik nightgown and at the CC to check out wat courses they had.

i can't begin to explain how excited i get just walking round heartland areas. makes me so happy. haha. i love the diversity and how things are tacky but unpretentious. i looked at the posters on the cc bulletin boards and felt the overwhelming urge to be part of everything. i wish there was more time in the world.

i'm gonna be late for 420 mass if i dont leave now. think i'll just go for 530 one and meet daddy later. dont think i'll hang out with hot date cos he has an aversion to sick pple. guess it's all for the better. i have to learn not to invest all my emotions in one person.

sometimes i think i'm becoming more and more mentally unstable. the day wasn't going too good, and then gimi msged and said asked to meet on wed instead of today. tt made me even more upset. upset in a familiar, depressive kind of way. i'm hoping tt it's just pms and not pregnancy. cos i missed my period and i've been feeeling kind of pregnant. yes, there is a feeling to it. i googled "pregnancy signs and symptoms" and some of the it matched wat i had.. heartburn, weighgain, fatigue, constipation, just "feeling pregnant"... and then right under each of the symptoms were the other possible causes of these things. and of course, every one of them had "premenstrual syndrome". tt REALLY helps, doesn't it? back to sq one; i'm either pregnant or having pms.

so anyway, back to my story.. jasmine and phylliss left ahead of me and daddy hadnt responded to my sms bout dinner so i walked round jurong pt listlessly. spent almost an hour mins in a korean sticker/stationery shop smaller than my bedroom, before settling on a 10$ pack of 6 small sheets of random indie-looking motifs. I had the incredible urge to indulge; my rationale is tt my moodiness warrants this aimless offering of expensive and unnecessary gifts to myself. tt was when i suddenly felt like one of those pple on oprah, plagued with bouts of irrationality. the dreadful day at school- my acting up and the painful classrm boredom - left me sinking into a pool of emo. i suddenly felt insecure again bout my non-relationship; i havent felt tt way the past couple of days so i thought i was clear already. apparently not. i keep having this awful nagging thought of him not meeting me today cos he's trying to avoid me so tt when he does decide this is over, it wont be so painful for me. because he is indeed very kind, this boy. and then i feel bad for thinking so negatively and not having enough faith in things. but pple always say they won't hurt and then they do so it's not easy to believe things last. i was annoyed at myself for being so insecure cos i get very annoyed with pple who let their insecurities get in the way of their functioning noramlly so; it's a form of egocentrism tt's such a turn off, really. anyhoo, as i walked aimlessly around the mall- spending another 46$ on a facemask, 100 capsules of primrose oil, a japanese vegetarian weiner, a box of cold jap sandwiches and 4 sachets of various bean/oat based powder drinks- i ruminated. i realised tt my emotons were just like a big fucking dick. yes- A BIG FUCKING DICK. when i become emo, my senses rush to the emo centre (heart? i duno, really..) and i can no longer think of anything else except my emotions. see? just like a man and his dickens.

i sat at a bench in the new interchange and devoured my sandwich. as i exited the mall, moved along by the throngs of shoppers and non-shoppers, i took out my earphones and realised how noisy it really was inside my head. i realised tt i had been thinking from the moment i got gimi's msg. not tt it was the only cause of my mood today but i guess i would consider it a catalyst.

daddy downstairs waiting for me to have dinner. laters.

Heart - Crazy On You (live 1976)

wow, just found out tt quick quick danger is local. coolness. how refreshing. keep it up, kiddos. {:o)

it's so nice when things start going surprisingly well, when pleasant things happen in my life. but it's also so fucking scary; cos compared to the start of last yr, i've got so much more to lose, and i just really don't like losing things. but then there's no way out of this paradox right? i'm just driving myself crazy. nothing new. when i wake up tmr, these tears will be gone cos now tt im feeling so bad, things will only get better, yes?

sometimes i think maybe i'm not made to be loved in tt way. i admit i can be so insufferable at times. maybe i should resign myself to my lonely fate.

TSK. are you listening to yourself, amelia? boo hoo.

why do i have to be so ambivalent? why? why???

sometimes i feel insecure. this is one of those times. it's not a nice feeling and i wish it would go away. i keep thinking you're gonna leave me. is this even rational? i mean, since we're not even really together... but it bugs me. i'll prob tell you soon, cos i think it'll just eat me inside out if i don't. i'm guessing you're waiting for me to go crazy bitch on you, to see if you still wanna be with me as much after tt. which is a very pragmatic way to approach things and i'd be doing tt if i were in your position. but i'm me, and life gets quite dark when you know tt your destiny with someone is perched precariously on the pinhead tt is your volatile temperament. (i don't know though... i'm just speculating. but even then..)


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have i ever mentioned tt daddy sounds like andy gibb when he sings? well, ok, i'll say it now then: daddy sounds like andy gibb when he sings.

Sean Kingston - Fire Burning (Cover by Quick Quick Danger)

:: Soul Sister - train

i want this affinity to never end. is tt asking too much? sometimes i think bout the things i've consciously wanted for my life and how much of tt i've actually got and i feel like telling myself: it's ok, there's still time. i guess tt's true, but at the same time, it isn't. i wanted to get married by 25, so i could have time to revel in married life and work here and there, then have kids not too late.. before 30. then stop work and be a hsewife and do the things i like, otot. but now i have to deal with the fact tt it's not gonna happen quite like tt. i am not obssessive; the very fact tt i'm resigned to "dealing with it" says tt i'm not gonna force myself to rush into anything just so i can fulfil my ambitions. yet occasionally, when it dawns upon me tt i have have only one life to live (every time it dawns upon me, i feel dismayed, as if i'm knowing it for the first time. this is because i am forgetful and usually forget things i already know.). so it is true tt life passes you by real quick. when i was 15 or 16, i thought pple were just trying to be patronising when they told me tp appreciate my youth. at tt age, you feel like you've got so much time- oh i didn't get do this or tt... nehmind lah, can do next time. next time next time. if i say i felt like tt now, i'd be fooling myself. so... wat's the point of this? nothing, i guess. well done, amelia... you rant about having not enough time yet you sit here moping bout it, knowing full well tt facing a screen almost always makes real time move forward 6000times quicker.

blablablah.

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alors... où va-t-on? je voudrais savoir ce dont tu pensais. parce que moi, j'ose pas d'y penser. ce sont trop pénibles, les possibilités. mais non, non, pas de pression.. je ne que me demandais.

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daddy always complains tt he has chest pains, difficulty breathing blablah. ask him to see dr, he goes ya ya i should. but we both know he'll never make time to go. i have meetings to attend. i'm expecting a call from someone in the office in india/the us/hk. even though i know i pull this same nonsense all the time (i.e. making excuses to avoid things i know i should do asap, while complaining tt probs don't get solved), it frustrates me when daddy does it. cos sometimes i think he's gonna just die in front of me. or worst still, die when i'm not anywhere near him. basically i'm afraid he'll die and i don't think i could take yet another person i love leaving me. i know, i'm so selfish.

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terence and i finally satisfied our marmalade cravings. crab caesar - fucking yum. raspberry-honeydew-rockmelon juice - bloody good.