i'm wondering if i should go... i mean, wat am i going to do at a party where i feel like i'm the only one not drinking? and now tt i can't even do shisha, i seriously won't have anything to do aside frm holding the guitar and pretending to look cool. i don't like pretending i'm enjoying myself when i'm really feeling very awkward inside.

i'm wondering now if i'm even invited.

this is where my self-esteem does a titanic. no big deal... just the monthly nonsense. same ole same ole. maybe i should get viral again, like last yr. but if i remember correctly, staying at home alone was quite a downer too. i need a muse ment, if you know wat i mean. {:o(

you know the other day as i sat at the kopitiam devouring my favourite wanton mee, i concluded tt i should reconsider marrying a hawker (pontian wanton mee, preferred). yes, i have thought about it before. but i don't know enough hawkers (see: any). maybe i should start getting friendly when i order my food. even if it's an auntie at the stall... she might just recommend me to her son maybe?
just a thought.


i don't feel comfortable bout starting the day, today. i'd really appreciate pple being more straightforward sometimes.

:: What You Know - two door cinema club

"Maybe next year
I'll have no time"

:: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - greg laswell

wow. just wow. cept for tt last dissonant chord.

:: In The Mood - glenn miller (in my head)

when you're riding on a motorcycle and it zips past a moving car, for about two seconds the wind burshing against your leg suddenly turns cold. but only for two seconds- until you once again overtake another moving car. why's this so? that was wat i kept asking myself in between my prayers as julius was pushing 140km/h on the PIE earlier. quite thrilling but fucking scary at the same time.

why is it i can feel the faintest bumps on the road? even the supposedly mini tremors that hit christchurch the other day... it really seemed like someone had kicked my bed damn hard; i def wouldn't have described tt as faint or slight tremors. why is it i can hear the constant squeal of electrical waves of people's tvs when i walk outside their house. it's not the dialogue or the sounds of the tv tt i hear, but wat seems like an overtone of an overtone. why is it the slightest taste of alcohol or a cup of fresh milk or a whiff of strong perfume or a mouthful of pungent durian can immediately make my feel sick? why do some smells, even in small doses, set my heartbeat racing and cause me to feel panic? why do i feel extremely cranky and sullen for days whenever mummy replaces or buys a piece of furniture? why is it just a riff of a song played over and over can bring me to tears? why do i always get tt feeling of deja vu? why is it my body seems to detect and amplify sounds and smells and sensations and produce exaggerated physical reactions??

ok i've just researched a link tt dom offered me last time. he said tt he thought andrew and i fell into this category. and on hindsight, i guess he could be right. how else do i explain the way i am. you could say ya but everyone also feel things wat or tt i'm a hypochondriac or just trying to be different. but i can assure you tt most pple don't feel the way i do and i don't even try to be different.. it's just tt everytime i try to think the way other pple think, it fees so foreign.

CHOPE!-- this is totally unrelated, but i've just become a fan of HI 5. tt show is fucking hilarious. especially tt stevie shark and tt tim something. they sound and act like poofter bogans, it's just damn funny. i watched the dvd with kboy last night and i couldn't stop laughing.-- UNCHOPE!

so anyway, i guess this may also explain my need to hide in 'safe' places occasionally. like in my wardrobe (i try not to do this anymore cos the last time i hid i tried to climb into a compartment of my wardrobe, i broke it; circa 8, 9 yrs ago.. now i just stick to sitting under my table).