Wow its been forever. but now tt i'm here, i don't really know what to say.

chirstmas break is almost over (NONONONNONONOFUCKNO). so maybe itd make sense to have a quick overview of what iv busied myself with. just so i cna feel like ive not been wasting my time.


STUFF DONE:
- completed our BCI class (ok, this was before the break but it gets to be here as a personal goal met)
- Christmas shopping
- sent a deepavali + xmas card to rasna (waaay overdue, but better late than never i guess)
- watched some of my recorded documentaries
- planned group 1 and 2 lessons for the first couple of weeks
- tried mellban crab beehoon
- had a steamboat xmas eve dinner
- xmas dinner
- dinner with daddy
- edible experiments (apple cheese quinoa bites, plus the usual couscous)
- visited gardens by the bay
- had a picnic w candice
- watched lots of cooking and house makeover shows
- cycled (on the indoor bike)
- yoga (tried 3 diff instructors and the pod at tiong bahru)
- watched a movie (Ip Man 3!!!!! *paper turn to stone move*HOIK!*)
- met with the Empty Vessels
- tried PU3 nasi ambeng
- revisited GUI; made bricks / fed and killed some mozzies (got a record-breaking 25 mosquito kisses on right leg alone)
- finalised wedding menu with orange clove
- met up with a wedding deco co. and a henna+make-up co.
- ring shopping
- shopping for wedding favours (which we found out yesterday was completely unnecessary since OC is providing ours)
- cleaned vacuumed my room
- museum with regina (and corn and baby jo)
- met up with the b300s bunch (we had fancy, pocket-blasting high tea)
- dinner with kifuat's family
- partied with SBF
- dental check-up
- free insurance health screening. see: my first boobie and transvaginal ultrasound... y.a.y. {:/
- cleared my desk at work
- got tricked into listening to a friend's sales
- stayed at daddy's house

AND BEFORE THE END OF THE WEEK..
- start my sirah history course (something like the "Life & Times" of the prophets)
- gardening at ComCrop aquaponics farm
- jamming with the jamsters (gonna try backbeats this time)



NOT BAD AT ALL, Amelia. for three weeks, i think i did pretty well. i actaully feel pretty good about this list cos i managed to do lots of new things see new places, learn new skills, hone old ones, meet up with people i like and people im ambivalent about but whom i like to believe added some sort of value to my life.

here are two earworms ive had this holiday:

:: Take Me to Church - hozier

the best of sacrilegious poetry. ironic how hozier looks like the jesus we all "know". i only began to pay attention to this song last week. i'd heard it several times before in the background (on the radio in a shop or in the car). but that one day i was stepping out of the house and mummy asked what my plans for the day were and i rattled the two things out; she promptly asked (for the umpteenth time in the past few months) if i was gg to mass that day and why not. i did my best not to snap back and this meant me clamming my mouth shut and giving what i can only hope was a completely deadpan expression before i disappeared behind the lift doors. as i got into the cab i asked myself if i should go to mass. just to be sure, i assured myself. and hopefully God would give me a categorical sign, something to show me that its more than ok not to feel moved by my parents' religion. the cabbie had the radio on quite audibly and as we passed the bus stop just before the road bend, hozier came on. i didn't know who he was of course, but i suddenly felt drawn to his voice and immediately became curious to know who this singer with this wonderful voice was and what the lyrics were. so i googled it:

take me to church
i'll worship like a dog in theshrine of your lies
i'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
offer me that deathless death
oh good god let me give you my life



WOAH.
ok...... God, is tt you?




:: Whataya Want From Me - adam lambert

test test.

earworms

it still amazes me and always will,  how anyone can create a song that - just by listening - i can feel exactly what the words say.  Even when i can't hear what the lyrics are.

i first saw the video and the heard the song two days ago. I couldn't make out the words but i felt the bittersweet irony in it. a song of bittersweet decadence and comforting familiarity of an inextricable melange of pain and love? of course i was hooked. and i recognised myself in her; the way i literally throw myself around the room, against the wall, onto the bed, against any surface, when my body is bursting with emotion. i am, of course, not half as graceful as wats her name, but if i did have some sort of dance training, i'd probably look exactly like she does in the vid.

i know if i let someone like maybe say, zehzeh, watch the vid, they'd go like.. oh ok nice song. or mm ok only lah. and I promise i'll try not to get frustrated by the lack of empathy. but i will never understand why i can feel so much through music while others can't. prob the same reason why pple like poetry or fiction or alcohol while those things just don't speak to me at all.

this post is pretty pointless. i guess i just wanted to say tt i've found a new song to make me high - a sad, ironic kind of high. If i could sing this i would. reminds me of the build up of energy i felt from listening to cosmic love. the unbeatable euphoria tt no one else i know seems to understand.


in other related news, i've met someone called taufik on an online dating chat. he looks pretty intimidating but we're having such great conversation. for the first time in a long time, i seem to have met someone new who feels music the way i do. how dangerous. cos really, while i feel it's a gift, it can really also be a curse to feel so passionately about something so intangible yet so real. (i mean music, not the man.)

i've been using this site for a the past few weeks and i'm really happy not everyone on it is as weird as one might expect them to be. ok, sorry, tt's was so terribly biased. i'm sure there are pple on the site who think i'm weird. what i meant was i'm glad to have found more than a couple of guys on the site who seem to be on the same wavelength as me when it comes to .. i dunno.. music, outlook on life, background, and (this is the language nazi in me speaking) the way they speak (or type, rather). is it horrible of me to ignore the men who "wanna b frenz wif" me? i think not. cos i think i know how much language matters when it comes to shaping one's thoughts and worldview and from experience, i know i dont seem to connect so well with pple who can't get a pun. and i wouldn't want anyone to change for me. so - there you go- i think i'm being fair by not raising their hopes. ok, so back to chatting right now. laters.

oh yes, and erm.. long time no see. haha.

i think, for me, the speed at which a period of time seems to have gone by depends largely on the things I think about that happened within that time span. for example, when i think bout how long I've been with this sch, time seems to have dragged on. When I think bout the summer holidays till now, time seems to have flown by. I don't really have a point to make. except that I wish blogger would stop fucking auto-correcting my posts and making my writing seem proper and unauthentic. it is very annoying.

i'm having trouble thinking of something that I did this year that was really fulfilling or memorable or rewarding. almost sleeping with shrd? ok, sorry, tt was pretty random. not falling into depression? well done on tt, Amelia. writing fantastic student reports (120 of them!)? well ya I guess tt was a pretty good effort.

it seems just yesterday tt bestie and I whatsapped one another happy new year wishes, coupled with our customary wishes for her visa situation and my dry season to go better. it's been 365 days since then... not much change. couple of times in the year, we almost made it, but it seems we're both right back where we started. ok, let's not be cynical here... Karin's thing seems pretty hopeful so i should direct all the good juju there so tt at least one of us gets wat she's been waiting for. *cross fingers*

i don't think 21-yr-old me ever imagined that things would be this way for 28-yr old me. i don't even dare to imagine now wat it would be like another 5 years from now. maybe i'd be vegetarian and living in china as a nun. FAAAR OUT. but things happen right? wthough are the things tt haven't and might not happen. about 7 hours ago i remember feeling pretty close to being depressed bout having nothing to do and no one to hold this midnight. i hope it's just the hormones. :(

Some of the things that are overdue (and that i was close to giving up hope on receiving) finally arrived today. :)))))  Quite so happy.

i hope the one i love better does not disappoint.

slightly less than 4 months ago, I went on a blind date. The food was so-so, the conversation was interesting for most part and even fun here and there. As we walked out, he said, "Now that I've paid for the meal, you must let me send you home."


I thought: "Wah good, saves me the long commute home-- But what retarded logic is that?"
I said: "No need lah... don't you live really far from me?"

But he gently insisted and I didn't refuse for more than 5 seconds. Since I let him pay, I also let him win. hah.

It was a nice long drive, he proved to be as funny as I hoped. I loved the way he seemed so calm.


it's hard to type any more. :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((.


FUCK. bloody hell. so emo.

goodbyehello

because time away from you will be good for me. for us- no, let me rephrase- because going as far from you and being as independent of you will be good for my mind and my heart. I will be doing my best to expect no messages, to not miss you, to be free to see whomever i want, to whomever i want baby.


for you, it will be no different. because it seems this goodfriendship, only one of us tries to take advantage of the times when we are both in the same country, which is not as often as i like. ours is the only ship that is adrift and without purpose. so much for being a sailor and a captain. :(

oh aren't expectations such terrible things to have.


so UK, you will have me and i will give myself to you. for i need to rid myself of this frustration of wasting time. Boarding time in 2 minutes. let's go, amelia.

was feeling rather despondent just now. the idea of dropping it all - whatever I think we have and had - crushes me. but i was trying to convince myself that that would be the best move for me right now. for my sanity. and so i sang and i played tt patty smyth and don henley song. and cried it out and then i clicked around on youtube and wtf do i chance upon?-

CCB. WHY? WHY??!

JUST as i was beginning to successfully convince myself. could you make this any harder? seriously..

excuse me? excuse me.. i don't recall giving myself permission to fall in love. at least not this time and not this fast. i hope it's not because we were in bed together. wat was in the whisky you drank, baby? the alcohol that i tasted in your saliva?

these are dangerous times, yes they are. where so we go, my lovely?

Tonight (this mornite) is a good example of why you should never tell men you're not a virgin unless you've already slept with them. now it's descending in a downward spiral. :'( 


I suddenly feel very dirty. I am not a sex hotline and I am not going to give you my picture so tt you can wank yourself silly. if I happen to be sleeping with you and you happen to have a picture of me and happen to want to wank off, then you're welcome by all means. but otherwise, NO. just because I am not the virgin mary doesn't mean I haven't got any dignity left. and I wish blogger would stop auto-correcting my small i's and underlining all the misspelt words. you are cramping my style, blogger-  please fuck off thank you very much.


why did it take me so long to say I am upset. i'm feeling so un-nice inside right now. I don't even think I wanna meet tmr anymore.

it's scary and uncanny that after each relationship (or semblance of one), I find myself unconsciously assuming the characteristics of the last person who left me.

I am currently beginning to feel that being part of a sexual... "partnership" might be more favourable than actually committing anything more complicated/intanglible/breakable. sounds familiar?  it's not illogical: sex can hurt, but love can kill. and since pain is more lasting and gives me more of a high than I imagine death would, I will choose copulation over commitment.

but where does this leave the smitten other? what an unfortunate pickle to be in.

I always knew I had a violent and sadistic streak in me but i never realised till the other day that the idea of revenge excites me. it was after i had seen hannibal rising which i recorded on channel 5 some weeks ago. i felt such a high after the show, not unlike the one i felt after each episode of revenge.

i always marvel at how wise God is; gave me a penchant for masosadism, with vindictive and perverse tendencies, a procrastinating and lazy attitude, an impulsive personality juxtaposed with an wavering sense of rationale, conscience and empathy, a resourceful mind, a fear of heights, blood and pain, an allergy to almost every ingestible vice and an indecision and poor gross motor skills that would render any attempt at revenge fruitless. well done, You! never mind tt i constantly experience moments of dissonance.

how bout a catchy little song to wrap up this new epiphany:

 

shiok sendiri seh.

so many pieces in my mind; watch them go...

i was walking back home, my stomach full of kway teow goreng kerang, prata bomb and teh halia, when i suddenly remembered tt since many years ago, i've envisioned myself dying a hero, being killed while doing something courageous and worthwhile... like saving some kid from a speeding truck or something like tt. pain aside, i had decided tt if life is to be worth living, then death must be worth it to. i've come some way from there... now i think i wouldn't mind settling for in old age after a long fulfilling life of raising my progeny to become useful and compassionate beings with a strong sense of purpose and love for the world. still, i always contemplate how terrible it would be to die while falling down a flight of stairs, or slipping on my own spit or something lame like tt. very anti-climatic and i always imagine tt if i were to die like tt, as my soul floats up to a better place, i'd be cussing, extremely geram at the idea of my death being such an anticlimax.

i guess a full stomach and lone walks are good for these drawing out deep thoughts and ruminating. as i got nearer home, and just as i found myself swallowed by the shadows of overgrown mango trees and bathed in the steam rising through the drain gratings, i remembered tt when i was a kid, i used to dream of being robin, following batman on his villain-fighting adventures. my earliest memory of having these dreams was when i was 8. i had a coral-coloured quilt cover with a tiny white flower motif. mummy had bought the material and sewn the cover herself. i lay under it (on my side, always with my bolster behind me and touching my back (just to make sure i could not be attacked from behind), telling myself tt if i thought hard enough about being robin, it'd probably manifest in my dreams. and so tt's wat i did for the longest time. it only worked half the time. other times i'd have nightmares or no dreams at all.

back to tonight.. as i imbibed owl eyes, i wondered why i never wanted to be batman. and i guess it's cos there's something special about being a sidekick.. being able to don a colour-coordinated getup and save pple from evil, while not having to have any major action plan or actually attracting too much attention or getting an embarrassing amount of credit. and sidekicks never have to bear the responsibility of a superhero. and then i had an epiphany: i realised tt this could be why i always feel a curious yet comforting sense of empowerment when i sit in the front seat of a car, especially when the driver is male. it's like i'm reliving my dream of being robin. i guess it never happens with women drivers because their energy is different. i only feel tt strange sense of fulfilment and affinity with male drivers.

i don't think i was smiling to myself but i did feel such a wonderful sense of peace and pride at having made tt connection... so much so tt i felt compelled to write it out. i wonder how many other pple in this world get such a big kick out of walking home by themselves. i wonder how many pple ever let themselves in on this much of their own thoughts. i've figured by now tt the depth of thoughtfulness i have about life and the vividness of my memories is quite unique to myself but surely there must be someone out there who experiences such abstract epiphanies as i do and also sees the value of sharing them... (no?)

i feel better now. i feel better now.

i suddenly remember how i felt lying on my bed in currie hall, watching the specks of light dancing reflected off my mini discoballs that hung just under my spotlight above my bed; they were danced on the walls and on the ceiling, to the music in the background. the warm light filled the cold room and it was like me and the universe and a profound sadness and ecstacy all at once.

i wonder when i'll ever feel that way again. i wonder if it's because i am unfulfilled that i find myself hankering for times long gone. i wonder if anything good will come out of all this dreaming.


maybe i should become a nun. like a virgin, that's what i'd be.

say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?
say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?

the last few months of the year are always bittersweet for me. rainy - which i quite like - and chilly and windy enough for me to layer up and wear as many colours/patterns as i like in one getup. but it's lonely. oh, but wait- that's like nearly every day of my life for the last couple of years. lonely.  tough.

so i guess end of year is not tt special. the cold and the cloudiness makes my mind awake but leaves me wanting to hide under the covers, so that i am constantly and acutely aware that i have no one to get warm and toasty under the blanket with.


they say that you can't truly love someone and have them love you unless you know how to love yourself. i agree. but i am sick of loving just myself and not being loved by anybody else. and i certainly don't love my job enough to enjoy being fucked by it.

thank goodness i don't live in one of those places where it's cold and the days and nights are dark for half a year. i can't imagine feeling this deprived every single day for 6 straight months.

Reading some of old my posts, if i didn't know myself any better, i'd think i was a very sad person. it's probably cos my depressive staes of mind are just over-represented on this blog.

i haven't written anything really reflective for a long while. don't know if it's the time or energy that i'm lacking. perhaps a bit of both.

Why can't I dream
Why can't I dream
'Cause I know you care
And I know you care
I know you care
I know you care
I know it's always been there
:(

Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net via Allison on Pinterest

muah! ha! ha!

Can you help me... occupy my brain?

i find loneliness terribly frustrating sometimes. and i don't mean alone-ness. i'm fine with being alone, in fact sometimes i really enjoy in the time i get to spend with myself. but feeling lonely- with so many pple around- just gets me down. according to my pills, it should be about another week till pms.. so why the hell am i already feeling so despondent now??!

i feel like i'm lagging; the things i aspired to have for myself... nothing's transpired. especially not where i want things to happen. and it's happened for everyone else. and i don't know wat i can do to move forward, if anything at all. i'm not THAT bad, am i? {:o( wat makes this worse is knowing tt being this emo is only gonna make the things i want move further from me. wat am i to make of myself?

i have a lot of pple who love me. in fact i have at least 150, all of whom are under the age of 10 and who i'm sure would do anything i ask if i only smile at them. an ego-booster, no? children are better than men. but i want both. why cannot? it's hard to believe in yourself when the only men who've ever - at one point of time - loved you have turned out to be assholes, and the remaining bits of your love life sound like a record of unrequited love put on replay.

omg i'm wallowing again. i AM sick. of this.


"love songs don't leave you, but lovers often do."