saturday - which was yesterday, which was a few hrs ago - was the worst day i can remember having. so empty and so thoughtless. like.. 24 hrs of haunting, taunting vacuum, so destitute of meaning.

just the other day, i looked up frm my pasta to find charlene giving me a concerned look. i didn't realise i'd been wearing an extremely triste expression. i guess it comes bout frm having little to smile at these days. i'm not like tt usually. normally my moods go up down up down but now, they just fade away, leaving nothing. nothing. i do try to do stuff tt i think will lift my spirits but everything just makes me feel more kangkor. i think it's like i turn off the lights and close my eyes and wake up the next day to darkness because the the sun got spoilt and the last bulb on earth blew so i'm stuck in the black and it wont matter anymore whether or not my eyes are open. now i wish i could trick myself into being happy by drawing pictures of ice cream and the pearly gates, like i used to when i was in younger.

baby clive's bday party soon. i wanna swim but i dont wanna wax so i cant. maybe i'll stay home and do M1 research which i haven't started. maybe i'll go for a movie with daddy. maybe i will die tomorrow and then you can be my first and last. i guess i don't really love pple; i'm merely extremely concerned with/for them.

listening to: Hungarian Dance, gheorghe zamfir

i'm shit-tired. the 6- and 7-hr breaks are draining. and i haven't been able to sleep - at home and on the mrt and in sch.

not long after i embarked on my arduous latest journey to lalaland, i felt a vibe run through my body and my blanket tighten itself round me, then the bed began to quiver. i usually buat bodoh and adjust myself and the blanket but i was too tired. i just wished it would go away. is there a faster route?

if nothing happens within the next 7 days, i think i will just waste away. i've been feeling like everything's a drag. has it all really become this boring or am i just getting less resourceful? i think i've been expecting something to happen but nothing's happening so i feel cheated... by myself. errrr........zzzzz.

i wish it were tt easy; just drop by the store and buy myself a muse. how nice. but good things tt are hard to find give more mmph.

mundane news:
- our client for adv ad is M1. we better not fuck this up.
- i find the photojourn lecturer slightly annoying. wat's more annoying was having to sit on uncomfortable chairs for 3hrs.
- CTV is throwing some party at rouge. all proceeds go to charity and it's gonna be rnb music so i guess i'll be there.
- the highlight of my day was med(ia)law lecture.
- joshua's subtly flirting with me today and yesterday has renewed my suspicions (and karol's) tt he likes me. i wish swiping my armed&ready cap and refusing to return it and then holding on to my hand while threatening to spit gum into it excited me greatly but it just didn't and doesn't.
- taking shana and hanson out to watch some IMAX show tmr. hope the brats dont wear me out; tt's the last thing i need. i'm losing it... i'm losing it...

Triviality is the mot du jour.

Your head will collapse but there's nothing in it so you ask yourself: where is my mind? where is my mind? where is my mind?

everyone has posted their jalan raya pictures and i shall consciously refrain frm conforming (minding the fact tt i have little pictures tt are worth showing).


last night's movies marathon at daddy's was almost non-existent. watched a bit of once upon a time in america before jon decided he needed smokes. didnt know of any mama shop at daddy's hse tt opened so late so we- kawan maan, jonjon and myself- strolled to holland v to buy jon's rokoks and ended up meeting up with gad and his new girl to have some drinks. it's not tt muthu (as gad insisted we call her) was overtly annoying or anything. it's just tt despite my attempts to be affable, she displayed wat came across as a cavalier disinterest in getting to know any of us and tt kindof affronted my innate niceness. then mummy called and said i couldnt stay at daddy's hse with jon cos he's a guy. But he's GAY, ma! she made some pretty lame excuses but i didn't want to cucuk her anymore so i just relented. wat a bloody waste. tant fucking pis...

Oh, you cheeky DJ!
if only the durg could've come for movies. but... the good indian girl's 'bad' decision to stay out late the night before had incurred the wrath of her good indian mother. of course, all these vices were introduced by none other than two undecidedly-good chinese girls and one 'bad' indian girl. (why am i talking like this?.. wat's wrong with me? wat's wrong with me?!?!) it all started when i had heard tt new destiny's child song and suddenly decided i had to dance to it, and wat better place to do tt than cheekys. hurhur. this, of course, now has me vying with ravi for the title of Loser of the World (but still i Lowe u welly welly much, raWi!). i also have to confess tt i was shamelessly drooling over the DJ the whole night (see: a handsomer version of beda bhai). and also, cheeky's is an idiot to sell a shot of baileys for 12$. tt said, i am an even bigger idiot for buying the shots. ok, so i'm not really a teetotaller; anything creamy and sweet is an always an exception. i wnat to try tt nice cadbury drink thing karin was just telling me bout. wah.

during the aforementioned movie marathon tt became a boring sit round session at Tango's, i had to be a super eksi yaya borak head and order a baileys. halfway through it, my chest tightened (no, it didn't get bigger), my face got hotter (no, it didn't get prettier) and i started getting palpitations donc, ravi had to down the other half. boooh.

ian s/o mother's sister just invited me to go china black tonight. funny cos i was mentioning the other day tt i wanted to go there one day to lookseelooksee.
adam is selling his black semi acoustic. anyone interested, tell me ah.
i am a Decipher groupie. i'm gonna dwnld dead skin mask.
i woke up just before 4pm today.

everyone must go scroll down now and have a look at the hot sexy bitch tt graces this blog (the french words are just there to make me look cleverer than you, unless of course you understand them, in which case you are just a snooty francophile. booh yoo!). Next, scroll further down to see the even sexier plus-sized bag of sweet innoncence.

Santa, this Christmas, i want to be a jellybean {:o)

A thought or two, a million for you.


you make me satisfied
you only want to ride
but that's alright by me;
we happen to be free
fr what tomorrow brings
no peace and broken wings
it may have been so good
but now it's understood
'twas just a night

`````

how many times did we give up
but we always worked things out
and all my doubts and fear
kept me wondering
if i'd always be in love

`````

we're not grey people, we're not dirty, we're not mean
we love everybody but we do as we please

`````

life is evil when you don't get what you want
memories can serve as ghosts
they'll tease and haunt you
when you spend your nights up late
wondering all about your fate

`````

you take the high road and I'll take the low road...
Sometimes I wish to God I didn't know now
the things I didn't know then

`````

and that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
it touches my foolish heart
lovely... never, ever change
keep that breathless charm
won't you please arrange it cos I love you

`````

turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don't patronise,
don't patronise me

Troublé par l'ennui et perdue à temps,
je traite en ami la vanité;
j'obsède avec me sublimer.

i'm itching to go out but i want to be alone when i do.

the truth of the matter is tt i like being around guys (except certain times when they make me feel left out by talking bout stuff tt i don't know and then not filling me in cos they think i don't have to know). girls are fun to bitch with and talk sentimentality but if i were to be stuck on an island with only girls, i would be bored to death after not long.

when a boy constantly hangs out with girls and acts like them, chances are he'll be teased for being a sissy/gay/watever. for some odd reason, i used to prefer playing with boys than with girls as a kid. i can imagine tt if i'd gone to a co-ed sch, i'd have been closer to the boys. and it happens tt most of mummy and daddy's friends who had kids, always had 2 - the older one a girl, the younger one a boy. (does this make me lesbian? hurhur) and i always ended up gumming with the boy more. i think i had to bring this up cos i feel like i'm the only one i know of who feels this way. but surely i wasn't the only 5-year-old girl who used walk run round the hse without a shirt cos she thouht she was a boy...? during the days when roleplay was nothing but an innocent game (which included fun roles such as teacher and student, mummy daddy and baby, ninja turtles and various characters frm Police Academy), i usually thought it was only natural tt my role be male or androgynous.

it's not tt men have more to offer than women; it's just something different. and cos i had no male figure to look up to, i've always been - and still am - quietly fascinated by tt difference (which isn't anythign to do with body parts, if you please). i take pride in the fact tt i have a good number of platonic male friends. and i often prefer to talk to them instead of with my girl friends. i don't seem to feel the need the urge to look at guys as much as most straight girls i know but i guess having more than one non-platonic male friend in this lifetime would make things a little more exciting than they are at this very moment.

so i forgot my point exactly but i think it was tt right now and at this very moment, i'm itching to throw myself into something tt doesn't involve the internet, and if you are male, you won't have to goad me off my ass cos i'd gladly go where you will.


listening to: Road to Nowhere, talking heads

Icicle, icicle, where are you going?



Which Rock Chick Are You?

i got home at 2 this morning after literally singing my way home. didn't wnat to sleep on NR so i sang to through the end of my 1 hr busride and while walking to my block. i wanted to turn to the malay guy sitting beside me on the bus and ask him wat he was doing out so late. So... why aren't you at home? i would say. i've always wanted to do spontaneous stuff like tt. like the time i saw this guy in the sch library wearing the coolest pair of pink sunshades and i wanted so so badly to go up to him and say how much i love it. but i didn't and it annoys me tt i always stop short of pleasing myself. yes i get some sort of perverse pleasure out of doing stuff like tt ok.

i was at coffee club talking and eating with rima. it always seems like we have so much to say and our conversations just never end. i like tt sometimes. yea it feels good when pple take an interest in what you have to say.

i got off 132 near wheelock and went toilet then floated into the sea of pple and caught bits of the christmas lightup. when we were a family of 3, mummy used to drive us down to town this time of yr just to see the lights. passed indochine and the band was good. donc, there were lots of non-patrons who stood outside the restaurant just to listen to them. i want to sing at places like tt - al fresco, with a casual yet classy atmosphere (so i don't have to doll up like if i sing in say, a hotel lounge). the only problem now is tt i need someone to provide musical accompaniment. if anyone is interested, let me know. cos i'm quite serious bout doing this shit. strolling slowly to coffeeclub, i was wishing the walk would last forever and serenity filling my head would never go away.

frm Han's karol and i went in search of a bus stop with a 132. we missed the stop and ended walking all the way at bukit merah interchange. it was valentine's day and we had stopped there and gone into ntuc to buy sushi for lunch. then we took another random service on which you made me cry, and then we ended up at toys r us. some memories are just like invisible tattoos. memories aside, karol went home and i to town.

rima couldn't meet me till later and durga was asleep and sounded a bit angry when i called so i begged karol to follow me to the 'gig' (i already told joshua i'd be there and i know how it feels to be played out so i wasn't bout to do tt to him). we bumped into gordon there, who proudly thanked the roomful of youths for coming to attend the 'service'. Service?! did i fucking hear you correctly? why hadn't i previously noticed the large print on gordy's shirt: WORSHIP. yea, oh fuck all right. well at least we were now sure bout the dubious nature of the 'gig'. joshua performed ok and the music was not bad, cept tt karol and i weren't too enthusiatic bout the whole context. when the last song ended and the stoned children were asked to move up front for the rest of the service, tt was when we took our leave.

i have nothing against religion and pple being extremely god-fearing/-loving; i'm just not religiously-inclined right now (or as andrew once put it- 'for organised religion'). i don't want to say all those things without believing a word. i just go to church now cos i believe tt there is a god (whom my parents and a lot of other pple believe in and love) and the least i could do is inspire pple with my gift of outstanding god-given vocals, even if i don't believe everything i hear in church. maybe one day i'll find it in me, the faith to believe. but right now, i'm just not feeling it.

karol and i agree tt joshua looks good with his new 'do and tt we would actually find him sexy when he's singing and doing his thing on stage... if only it wasn't all so god-oriented. but i guess the world needs holy pple like tt just to countervail the blasphemous lot (see: karol). you know wat's amazing? i think alicia's relationship with her bf ian is so amazing. i know it sounds lame but it just amazes me how she who is (or perhaps was) not very god-friendly, and he who has such faith, are so in love.

random note: my second cousin lyn's new husband looks like tony leung.


i have many friends. but i guess the person i have the most in common with is probably karol- frm physicality and disposition to certain uncannily-similar childhood experiences (like tt 'propeller' incident we both had in pri sch). i thought bout it yesterday and i realised tt our relationship is a safe one; it's the kind of relationship where you roughly know how the other person is gonna react and you can be sure it isn't too far frm the familiar. maybe it's cos we're both leos? watever it is, it's good. at the same time, i'm glad my other friends aren't like tt. life would be so totally boring.

i'm happy for jing and her newfound, bagpipe-playing love (paul). she's a beautiful person inside and out and she really deserves all the good stuff she's getting. love you jing, and have a safe trip back here. ben also recently found love for the first time (at the ripe age of 23) and i'm happy for him cos he's a good person too.
what comforting testimonies of justice in the world.


listening to: I Used to Love Her, gun n' roses

WORSHIP ME.