i like the way i am when i'm in perth. i'm neater, slightly more productive and nicer i think.
i thought it'd be better if lidong visited me in nov then we could come back together, as opposed to in the middle of the sem; then i wouldn't have to see him leave. then he said then what about me? when you left for perth... and when you went to cambodia? i never thought bout it tt way, really. at least not till he mentioned it. i guess tt makes me pretty selfish.
got my results already. i did ok i guess: two crappy credits, one crappy D and a crappy HD. crappy cos it's all borderline. not tt i'm an overachiever but i just thought i could do a little better.
why are we being so cold towards each other? or could i be mistaking his stoicness for hostility. maybe i'm just a cry-baby? maybe, baby. i wish he didn't slam tt door at me. i wish he gave me time to talk to him today. i really needed to talk to him. i'm not your obligation. but if it's tt hard then please, don't let me keep you. if nothing's wrong then why won't you hold me?
a dj saved my life.
Monday, July 03, 2006
i don't remember if i was expecting much but i'm feeling a bit disappointed bout coming back so far. i was dreaming of stuffing my face but 3 days after touchdown, fucking red sea floods the nether lands and brings with it a breakout, cramps, water retention, no swimming, no appetite, no energy... among other (er-hmm) things.
oh, AND pple telling me how much weight i put on. i mean i wouldn't be so fucking peeved if this was actually true. the fact is tt i lost close to 1.5kg but it seems pple just love doing it over and over and over again - oh hi! you're back... i see you've been eating well... and then they give me a smug 'hur hur, if you know what i mean' kind of face. thank you, i've never felt more welcome before. i'm beginning feel like i'm obsessed. not with losing weight but with trying to find pple who won't start a conversation by telling how much fatter they think i am. look, i only have 4 weeks back here ok so don't fucking waste my time. look before you talk can?
it's like how when after seven years of specs i switched to contacts, some pple whom i see every week still can ask, huh you mean you wore specs? it's so exasperating. your eyes put on your face for show only is it? look also must think a bit and see a bit wat. think out of the box! ask analytical qns! like, why is it tt amelia seems a bit bloated sometimes?- is she on the pill? or having her period? maybe she goes for buffet lunch every month? maybe aliens hijacked her soul and the only way to keep her alive is a monthly binge fest?
see????? creative qns ONLY! RAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
it could be tt hormones are fucking with my brain but i feel a little bit out of place since i got back. things like waiting for the feeder bus, shifting through the discount racks at the gss, sitting on the couch watching THS or cna or discovery, browsing at kino blablablah, tt's all fine but it's different when i have interact with pple for more than a few sentences. i think i'm beginning to abhor the outside world i.e. the world outside my head. i seem to be finding interaction with the general population a little too awkward for comfort sometimes. i want to run back to perth and hide in my rm. even prata bom didn't seem as gratifying.
oh, AND pple telling me how much weight i put on. i mean i wouldn't be so fucking peeved if this was actually true. the fact is tt i lost close to 1.5kg but it seems pple just love doing it over and over and over again - oh hi! you're back... i see you've been eating well... and then they give me a smug 'hur hur, if you know what i mean' kind of face. thank you, i've never felt more welcome before. i'm beginning feel like i'm obsessed. not with losing weight but with trying to find pple who won't start a conversation by telling how much fatter they think i am. look, i only have 4 weeks back here ok so don't fucking waste my time. look before you talk can?
it's like how when after seven years of specs i switched to contacts, some pple whom i see every week still can ask, huh you mean you wore specs? it's so exasperating. your eyes put on your face for show only is it? look also must think a bit and see a bit wat. think out of the box! ask analytical qns! like, why is it tt amelia seems a bit bloated sometimes?- is she on the pill? or having her period? maybe she goes for buffet lunch every month? maybe aliens hijacked her soul and the only way to keep her alive is a monthly binge fest?
see????? creative qns ONLY! RAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
it could be tt hormones are fucking with my brain but i feel a little bit out of place since i got back. things like waiting for the feeder bus, shifting through the discount racks at the gss, sitting on the couch watching THS or cna or discovery, browsing at kino blablablah, tt's all fine but it's different when i have interact with pple for more than a few sentences. i think i'm beginning to abhor the outside world i.e. the world outside my head. i seem to be finding interaction with the general population a little too awkward for comfort sometimes. i want to run back to perth and hide in my rm. even prata bom didn't seem as gratifying.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
it feels like i didn't even leave here; like took a long nap and then woke to go to serangoon for michelle's 21st. and guess what she told me - you know, it feels like i never left singapore!
hell, it's like we did a rip van winkle and woke up to find tt the only difference was we were about (AUD8000 + misc.expenses) poorer.
next stop, faux pas at simpang. i couldn't help it, there was an unidentified bug tt resembled a cockroach clinging on to my collar. how could i not scream FUCK? how, mother? tell me- how?!
mummy's cooking
casuarina prata
simpang prata bom & teh cino
ichiban
... donc, five down and bout 40 to go.
i've planned my timetable for next semester already. bought one of my french lit books already... +(1 x french cosmo)+(1 x us cosmo)+(1 x french children's book on philo) = things i don't really need but bought cos it was the last day of the kino 20% off sale. oh well. anyway, i think it makes sense tt i learn to read a children's book and fashion and sex tips in french before endeavouring to swallow untranslated albert camus and annie ernaux.
been watching the world cup and kind of rooting for the socceroos. i suspect i've become something of an aussiephile haha(erm, or whatever you call it). first it was aussie music (no, NOT waltzing mathilda, advance aussie fair or anything by olivia newton john). guess i can't help it. perth is pretty nice, save for the smelly drunks and expensive food and what not.
oh oh i forgot to tell you tt i had mole (MOH-LAY) ice cream. not bad, just a bit too spicy for me.
got to hold a big baby taylor today at godma's hse and i liked it so much i want one for my birthday. hah. but mumsy says i only get to bring her crappy bulky regular-sized geeeeetah. blurgh.
karin, it feels like i never went anyway, right?
tmr i get to try lidong's new bed. later today, i mean. as soon as i'm done amusing myself with spore idol vids on youtube and get to sleep in time to wake up in time to go to lidong's hse just in time to chope the bed.
ok, cheers matey.
hell, it's like we did a rip van winkle and woke up to find tt the only difference was we were about (AUD8000 + misc.expenses) poorer.
next stop, faux pas at simpang. i couldn't help it, there was an unidentified bug tt resembled a cockroach clinging on to my collar. how could i not scream FUCK? how, mother? tell me- how?!
casuarina prata
simpang prata bom & teh cino
ichiban
... donc, five down and bout 40 to go.
i've planned my timetable for next semester already. bought one of my french lit books already... +(1 x french cosmo)+(1 x us cosmo)+(1 x french children's book on philo) = things i don't really need but bought cos it was the last day of the kino 20% off sale. oh well. anyway, i think it makes sense tt i learn to read a children's book and fashion and sex tips in french before endeavouring to swallow untranslated albert camus and annie ernaux.
been watching the world cup and kind of rooting for the socceroos. i suspect i've become something of an aussiephile haha(erm, or whatever you call it). first it was aussie music (no, NOT waltzing mathilda, advance aussie fair or anything by olivia newton john). guess i can't help it. perth is pretty nice, save for the smelly drunks and expensive food and what not.
oh oh i forgot to tell you tt i had mole (MOH-LAY) ice cream. not bad, just a bit too spicy for me.
got to hold a big baby taylor today at godma's hse and i liked it so much i want one for my birthday. hah. but mumsy says i only get to bring her crappy bulky regular-sized geeeeetah. blurgh.
karin, it feels like i never went anyway, right?
tmr i get to try lidong's new bed. later today, i mean. as soon as i'm done amusing myself with spore idol vids on youtube and get to sleep in time to wake up in time to go to lidong's hse just in time to chope the bed.
ok, cheers matey.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
what if i get so used to being alone tt when i go back, i don't want to be with anyone. would pple leave me alone then? is it the distance?
it seems tt i'm becoming incredibly selfish. i let myself up to these moods but don't bother to put up signs to warn pple.
bf says i should live on a mountain instead, so tt no one would ever call me and i'd never have to get irritated.
do they have mountains in hell?
i need to stop being so self-indulgent.
it seems tt i'm becoming incredibly selfish. i let myself up to these moods but don't bother to put up signs to warn pple.
bf says i should live on a mountain instead, so tt no one would ever call me and i'd never have to get irritated.
do they have mountains in hell?
i need to stop being so self-indulgent.
:: Not Pretty Enough - kasey chambers
daddy was driving someone else's car - from cck cemetery cos we had just gone to visit granny - and i was sitting in the front seat. we cruised along some ulu highway with no buildings or any other cars nearby, so tt all tt was before me was dashboard, road, sky sky sky and more sky. i stared at the clouds and watched as the sun painted the sky pink, orange, purple, red. then this song came on. i wonder if everyone so readily associates pensiveness with melancholy with sadness the way i do. i sat entranced by the boundless beauty of billowy softness and wondered if heaven was just like tt. when i was a lot younger, someone told me tt 'heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace' and tt in heaven, we could all be young again and could do our favourite things for ever and ever and ever.
would tt mean tt if i made it, i'd be allowed to stare at clouds for ever? but would the view from up there be different? and if everyone became young again, how would i recognise granny? and nanny? and how young would i be? young like i was when i missed out on happiness? one time, i thought heaven was a field of flowers. what flowers then? sunflowers? i tried planting those once. but then we went out of the country for a while. then they died.
i've been having nightmares again. i hate it tt i remember the little details and the feeling sticks when i wake up. they seem so real. but it could be worse- they could be real.
daddy was driving someone else's car - from cck cemetery cos we had just gone to visit granny - and i was sitting in the front seat. we cruised along some ulu highway with no buildings or any other cars nearby, so tt all tt was before me was dashboard, road, sky sky sky and more sky. i stared at the clouds and watched as the sun painted the sky pink, orange, purple, red. then this song came on. i wonder if everyone so readily associates pensiveness with melancholy with sadness the way i do. i sat entranced by the boundless beauty of billowy softness and wondered if heaven was just like tt. when i was a lot younger, someone told me tt 'heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace' and tt in heaven, we could all be young again and could do our favourite things for ever and ever and ever.
would tt mean tt if i made it, i'd be allowed to stare at clouds for ever? but would the view from up there be different? and if everyone became young again, how would i recognise granny? and nanny? and how young would i be? young like i was when i missed out on happiness? one time, i thought heaven was a field of flowers. what flowers then? sunflowers? i tried planting those once. but then we went out of the country for a while. then they died.
i've been having nightmares again. i hate it tt i remember the little details and the feeling sticks when i wake up. they seem so real. but it could be worse- they could be real.
why do we like some pple more than we like others?
why do i feel inclined to shout at some pple on the phone and not others. i hate it when pple call me when i'm in the midst of doing something. i guess they wouldn't know when to call otherwise since they don't keep tabs on me 24-7. but i don't think this is the problem. the problem, rather, is tt i feel hopelessly inclined to scream at only certain pple who call me during those pissable times. this implicit preference worries me.
why do i feel inclined to shout at some pple on the phone and not others. i hate it when pple call me when i'm in the midst of doing something. i guess they wouldn't know when to call otherwise since they don't keep tabs on me 24-7. but i don't think this is the problem. the problem, rather, is tt i feel hopelessly inclined to scream at only certain pple who call me during those pissable times. this implicit preference worries me.
Friday, June 09, 2006
God's funny.
either He's saying i can't have it or He's trying to make me more determined. i guess for now the former seems a less problematic conclusion. i wish it was funny in a haha way. God may be funny but he's funnier still. All you need is something to take to make the numb feel like pain again. my only weakness would be entertaining these feelings; but isn't it true tt life without pain is totally pedestrian?
either He's saying i can't have it or He's trying to make me more determined. i guess for now the former seems a less problematic conclusion. i wish it was funny in a haha way. God may be funny but he's funnier still. All you need is something to take to make the numb feel like pain again. my only weakness would be entertaining these feelings; but isn't it true tt life without pain is totally pedestrian?
Monday, June 05, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
:: Beautiful to Me - little birdy
the axl version of sophie zelmani. oh yes, you are beautiful to me.
why do i feel the way i do the way i do the way i do?
is what's holding you back what's holding me back?
i would like some time to read a book, please.
revelation of the semester: rafie is the lecturer's son.
the axl version of sophie zelmani. oh yes, you are beautiful to me.
why do i feel the way i do the way i do the way i do?
is what's holding you back what's holding me back?
i would like some time to read a book, please.
revelation of the semester: rafie is the lecturer's son.