:: Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' - journey

we did this song today. today's jam was good. despite my learning everything last minute on the bus on the way there. good stuff. i feel so much more satisfied doing just a couple of songs in one session and running out the kinks till they sound good enough. better than aimlessly jamming a multitude of songs till they sound 'just ok'.

we need gigs now. edward was asking me why not consider music as a career. aside frm the fact tt it won't be a terrible reliable source of income, i'm also afraid it might kill the joy of having music as my weekly rec activity to look forward to.

rec aside, work is getting better. the kids are not getting any less naughty but i'm getting better my class planning. it's a step forward i guess. tmr i'll be marking the test papers and we'll see how my class does. haha quite nervous bout tt. i want them to do well.. cos it'll at least tell me i'm on the right track in terms of the way i deliver my lessons. and of course also cos i want them to be able to be proud of themselves. good results will also be a huge esteem boost for the more academically-challenged ones. *cross my fingers*

my throat is burning a bit. pls dont take my voice away again...

:: Blood Red Summer - coheed and cambria

this song next week. can't stand the fella's voice, man.

:: Two Hearts - phil collins

i really should be sleeping. damn you, dropsum, damn you!

terence and i have been bombarding each other with 80s-early 90s songs. see who has the most... though i think i'm losing... haha. wah lau, he's got rick astley all lah. tsk, how to beat like tt.


i take pride in the fact tt, unlike many of the pple who go for mambo nites, i actually know the names of the singers/groups and am able to appreciate my 80s music without having to do a mass dance (but i still did it tt one time i went.. how to resist.. haha). i am the REAL retro kid okkkkkk. i don't need to go for any mambo night watever to know the words to these songs. so there, betches! i think terence should be very proud to be the original cheese man. note to self: tell terence tt he should be proud to be the original cheese man. chaka khan, man.. wah lau. i can't believe i know someone my age who's obssessed with chaka khan.


:: All Right Now - free

it's always nice to find someone who loves the same kind of music as you do.

there are times when i wish i was someone else. living another life, doing different things, having different problems. but then it's pretty shameful when i really think bout how good i've been having it. it's true things could be worse than they are right now. still, i wasn't feeling so good bout my life as i was on the home-bound train just now. i was inundated by everything i have to do at work. i mean it's ok if i was only responsible for myself and if i was more familiar with the kind of things i'm expected to carry out; knowing that 30 little people's futures are in my hands and knowing that i have no fucking idea what to do half the time.. is just not good for my nerves at all. then of course, i was quickly reminded by my alter egos tt i've had gone through far more disheartening times in my life (see: the story of dylan) and soon- with a little added help from rick astley on my zen- i was slowly but surely comforted. right now, i'm still exhausted but not feeling as despondent as just now. tuition tmr... the work never ends does it?

of course, there some things that make my day less horrible. like one of my kids wrote an email to her friend telling her that she was pretty. the other wrote back: "You are pretty too". And then another of my girls told me just before boarding the sch bus: Ms yeo, today in my notebook i write "i love ms yeo". haha. so sweet. such candid expressions of affection. kids.. after everything, how can you not love them?

i still remember the things i did in pri 1, the pple i knew, what they did, how they made me feel... i remember taking it all so seriously. there are things that i have such vivid memories of. and i remember being really bothered when pple treated me like i didn't know any better. i hope i don't do tt to my kids. i guess tt's why i feel so pressured too; what if i do something to offend one of my kids and they remember me forever as tt teacher- "the one who (insert alleged crime against child here)". i should stop brooding over this. bitching is the limit. one week down, 9 to go.

this weekend, i'm going to attempt to have some semblance of a life.

:: Thirty-Three - smashing pumpkins


my last post was #666. haha. just thought it was worth noting. oh well.

today was my third trip to the chiro in the past 30 days. he must be thinking i have a crush on him. especially since i can't stop ahm-chio-ing everytime he contorts me into another position. and then i stand up after each crack and grin and mumble under my breath, wah shiok. and then i tell him i'm better but turn up the following week with a sheepish "erm hi, it's me again.."
so ya, anyway, i found out today tt the reason i can't even put on my underwear or sneeze without cringing is tt i have an inflammed.. something. what this "something" is escapes me.. cos he just said, "it's inflammed". [note to self: ask wat it is the next time i go back there.] had to get soem ultrsound done and electrotherapy too. ultrasound was funny. like being pregnant on my back. hahahaha now i'm just being ridiculous. but tt's why i keep grinning when the dr comes in. cos i'm having all these silly thoughts in my head. i'd share these with him cept tt i don't want to waste his time. it was only today tt he attempted to make some conversation: -"Are you making a trip somewhere?" -"Ah?" -"Your bag says BON VOYAGE" -"huh? oh erm no. hah,"


one thing i find so salient bout myself is my inadvertent lack of cohesiveness.. i'm a 23-yr-old with the mental maturity of a 7-yr-old, the emotional age of a 33-yr-old, the physical wear and tear of a 60-yr-old and the eclectic music taste of all four. and- i forgot- a memory like a goldfish. all adds to the excitement of being alive, doesn't it? hahaha.

in other news, daddy is back. how this will affect me, we'll have to wait and see. though it's gonna be hard to work out any cause-and-effect explanations since every week for me is really different from the last, given my current situation (emotional, financial, job-wise).

jamming on sunday was good. tiring but fulfilling and we recorded ourselves again. time for another painful reality check. haha. can't wait.

i'm feeling quite excited about life today. went a-gallivanting by myself again after tuition. as usual. had cheap chicken rice lunch (yay! save money!) and then checked out the popular at toa payoh. marshall cavendish has some really good picture glossaries and dictionaries. fantastic. if they were like 5$, i'd have bought them but they were bout 11$ each so i'll think bout it. really really nice books though. i think mon petit gars will like them. maybe i should get him one before he leaves. so anyway, i moved on to the stationery section and i got really excited over grey coloured erasers and cute stamps (chop!, say chop!) which i'm thinking might be a good investment for my relief teaching stint.

on the way to the bus stop, i stalled at the pasar hari (as opposed to pasar malam) where i had lots of trouble leaving the toy shop without buying anything. i almost got tt penguin thing where the penguins go up the stairs and then slide back down one by one on the swirly slide. fantastic, those old sch toys. and tt, and some other similar ones only cost around 18 each. and they're way better than all the lame shit they make these days. so anyway, i only had 9$ so i settled for something smaller but no less amusing. next, the knicknack shop- the one every pasar hari needs; combs, cup covers, ashtrays, nailclippers, toy guns, rubber doorstoppers, wooden clothes pegs, plastic crockery and everything else you can and can't think of. i think i spent almost 20mins just walking round tt shop alone. you know what, i should just marry a shop keeper lah. so anyway, having already spent a whopping 1.50 at the toy store, i decided tt i would resist temptation and only get ONE packet of assorted buttons. don't ask why; i shouldn't even need an excuse, really. tried a new bus route today to go home and played with my new toys on the bus. say hallo, please:





haha he was having so much fun dancing on the window sill tt he fell onto the floor under my chair and got me all frantically scratching the grimy bus floor in search of him. but the nice pakcik behind picked it up for me. he smiled at me as he handed it over my shoulder. i wonder what he mustve been thinking but i'm guessing it was along the lines of OMG TT'S THE FUCKING COOLEST TOY I'VE SEEN IN THE PAST 30 YRS. MAYBE IF I SMILE AT THE CRAZY BAG LADY, SHE MIGHT LET ME KEEP IT. well, sorry uncle, not a chance. anyway, when he got off the bus later (the uncle, i mean. not my little dancing man), he smiled at me again. i like the way my weirdness seems to make pple happy. it makes me happy as well. in fact, was soo happy, i was still smiling as i sang along to Lover i Don't Have to Love on my zen. then i thought to myself oh my i think i've really lost it... but hell i'm so happy i really don't give a shit.

so yes, anyway, today stands in stark contrast to the very disconcerting lastsaturday and perhaps we should treat everyday an isolated incident, and our lives as a collective of incoherent isolated snippets from different movies. ok i had it all clear in my head just now but it's not coming out right.

oh, ALSO, as the bus went past where i used to live, some of the blks tt used to be there were gone, replaced by some up and coming condo which i will probably hate the look of but will inevitably get used to anyway. on any other day, i would've bitched in my head bout the deciduous nature of everything on this island but today i felt like this was a metaphor for the way the remnants of my traumatic past would be bulldozed and knocked into oblivion by my renewed heart and reconsituted spirit. beautiful huh? hhaha. fucking romanticism.

19 02: dinner, betches.

Robyn - Be Mine

just like how i saw tt slut wearing tt hundred dollar hat i bought him. in those retarded pics she posted up less than a week after news of my singlehood was unceremoniously broken to me (and everyone else) via facebook. i'm really afraid of wat i might do if i saw him on the street.

anyhow, what a beautiful and ridiculously-painful song.

feeling pretty lousy bout myself tonight. and emo too.

went to church today cos i had to sing. and then dinner with the sat church bunch. but then they were talking bout lavi's wedding and they were choosing bridesmaids dresses and all that. and i felt really left out cos i was the only one there who wasn't a bridesmaid. of course, i only found out i wasn't gonna be one when she failed to ask me to pick my dress frm the bunch of sketches she had. i was actually waiting for her to ask. it would've looked kind of retarded if i went oh i like this one and then make her feel bad bout not asking me because, really, it's not anyone's fault she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. i'm kind of like tt half-fuck friend with this group, you know? it's not tt i dislike them or anything. it's just tt cos i'm caught up with vox and other things so i don't see them every week and i don't talk to them in between the few times i go back to church to sing. i guess i don't make the effort outside of my sporadic and random appearances at sat mass to keep up with wat's going on in their lives. nothing personal though.. it's just the way i am with all my friends. so i can't blame her if she thinks i'm kind of tidak apa in my commitment. i just kind of wish the situation wasn't like this because it kind of hurts. and all tt talk bout the wedding made me feel even more sore bout how i could've been getting married in the next two yrs but now i don't have anyone to marry cos my fucking bf decided to.. i can't even continue cos it's just all getting old and talking now doesn't seem to be making me feel better.

it all got me thinking tt maybe i need to be more sure when it comes to committing my time and emotions to a group of friends (and these i have more than i can handle, really). it's the same situation with my rcy friends i think. met up with them for old times sake and now i'm kind of thinking maybe i shouldn't have because i'm not really clicking with them and we don't enjoy the same things so i don't feel inclined to spend much time with them, and i don't think this is a one-sided thing. but at the same time, how the hell do you say nicely "i'd like to pull out pls because this seems to be going nowhere. we each got along quite nicely before this so i think you won't miss me anyway and i'm sorry but i won't miss you much either"?

ohmygod. maybe this is what dylan did to me. and you see? now i feel even worse bout wanting to pull out; what if they really do enjoy my company? i highly doubt it though. not tt i think i suck, but in terms of adding value to the group, i feel pretty redundant. why can't all my friendships be low-maintenance yet still highly-fulfilling? those are the best, really.

i think perhaps i spend a bit too much time trying to do things to keep other people happy.

"how long... has this been going on?"

was just reading up a bit on paul carrack and it has just occured to me why i can never get the names of the bands right. because... this fella has had his vocals on so many different bands' hit songs, and i grew up thinking they were all the same band OR different bands which each had a lead vocalist with an unoriginal voice- a voice like every other singer around tt time. little did i know tt it was the same fucker. haha, oh well. thank you paul carrack for nearly monopolising my childhood musical input. you, and mr hall and mr oates. ya'll.. shameless market spoilers.

:: If You Were A Sailboat - katie melua

too many things to say, too many words to read, too many games to play, too many hearts that bleed. but so little time for all and none.

the other day i was thinking again (this extended 'thinking' period seems to be part of my ritualistic post-breakup healing..) and it's amazing and ridiculous how the same man who told me i was the most important thing in his life could, in such a short time, make me feel like i was the most dispensable thing in the world. it's really painful, that.

not enough time to say all i want to say, notes on random things and all. oh well.

jobsearch.

AHHAAHAHAH fucking hilarious!!!!! check out mr brown's version of Nobody if you haven't already seen it. lovvit