it's scary and uncanny that after each relationship (or semblance of one), I find myself unconsciously assuming the characteristics of the last person who left me.
I am currently beginning to feel that being part of a sexual... "partnership" might be more favourable than actually committing anything more complicated/intanglible/breakable. sounds familiar? it's not illogical: sex can hurt, but love can kill. and since pain is more lasting and gives me more of a high than I imagine death would, I will choose copulation over commitment.
but where does this leave the smitten other? what an unfortunate pickle to be in.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
I always knew I had a violent and sadistic streak in me but i never realised till the other day that the idea of revenge excites me. it was after i had seen hannibal rising which i recorded on channel 5 some weeks ago. i felt such a high after the show, not unlike the one i felt after each episode of revenge.
i always marvel at how wise God is; gave me a penchant for masosadism, with vindictive and perverse tendencies, a procrastinating and lazy attitude, an impulsive personality juxtaposed with an wavering sense of rationale, conscience and empathy, a resourceful mind, a fear of heights, blood and pain, an allergy to almost every ingestible vice and an indecision and poor gross motor skills that would render any attempt at revenge fruitless. well done, You! never mind tt i constantly experience moments of dissonance.
how bout a catchy little song to wrap up this new epiphany:
i always marvel at how wise God is; gave me a penchant for masosadism, with vindictive and perverse tendencies, a procrastinating and lazy attitude, an impulsive personality juxtaposed with an wavering sense of rationale, conscience and empathy, a resourceful mind, a fear of heights, blood and pain, an allergy to almost every ingestible vice and an indecision and poor gross motor skills that would render any attempt at revenge fruitless. well done, You! never mind tt i constantly experience moments of dissonance.
how bout a catchy little song to wrap up this new epiphany:
shiok sendiri seh.
Monday, March 25, 2013
so many pieces in my mind; watch them go...
i was walking back home, my stomach full of kway teow goreng kerang, prata bomb and teh halia, when i suddenly remembered tt since many years ago, i've envisioned myself dying a hero, being killed while doing something courageous and worthwhile... like saving some kid from a speeding truck or something like tt. pain aside, i had decided tt if life is to be worth living, then death must be worth it to. i've come some way from there... now i think i wouldn't mind settling for in old age after a long fulfilling life of raising my progeny to become useful and compassionate beings with a strong sense of purpose and love for the world. still, i always contemplate how terrible it would be to die while falling down a flight of stairs, or slipping on my own spit or something lame like tt. very anti-climatic and i always imagine tt if i were to die like tt, as my soul floats up to a better place, i'd be cussing, extremely geram at the idea of my death being such an anticlimax.
i guess a full stomach and lone walks are good for these drawing out deep thoughts and ruminating. as i got nearer home, and just as i found myself swallowed by the shadows of overgrown mango trees and bathed in the steam rising through the drain gratings, i remembered tt when i was a kid, i used to dream of being robin, following batman on his villain-fighting adventures. my earliest memory of having these dreams was when i was 8. i had a coral-coloured quilt cover with a tiny white flower motif. mummy had bought the material and sewn the cover herself. i lay under it (on my side, always with my bolster behind me and touching my back (just to make sure i could not be attacked from behind), telling myself tt if i thought hard enough about being robin, it'd probably manifest in my dreams. and so tt's wat i did for the longest time. it only worked half the time. other times i'd have nightmares or no dreams at all.
back to tonight.. as i imbibed owl eyes, i wondered why i never wanted to be batman. and i guess it's cos there's something special about being a sidekick.. being able to don a colour-coordinated getup and save pple from evil, while not having to have any major action plan or actually attracting too much attention or getting an embarrassing amount of credit. and sidekicks never have to bear the responsibility of a superhero. and then i had an epiphany: i realised tt this could be why i always feel a curious yet comforting sense of empowerment when i sit in the front seat of a car, especially when the driver is male. it's like i'm reliving my dream of being robin. i guess it never happens with women drivers because their energy is different. i only feel tt strange sense of fulfilment and affinity with male drivers.
i don't think i was smiling to myself but i did feel such a wonderful sense of peace and pride at having made tt connection... so much so tt i felt compelled to write it out. i wonder how many other pple in this world get such a big kick out of walking home by themselves. i wonder how many pple ever let themselves in on this much of their own thoughts. i've figured by now tt the depth of thoughtfulness i have about life and the vividness of my memories is quite unique to myself but surely there must be someone out there who experiences such abstract epiphanies as i do and also sees the value of sharing them... (no?)
i feel better now. i feel better now.
i guess a full stomach and lone walks are good for these drawing out deep thoughts and ruminating. as i got nearer home, and just as i found myself swallowed by the shadows of overgrown mango trees and bathed in the steam rising through the drain gratings, i remembered tt when i was a kid, i used to dream of being robin, following batman on his villain-fighting adventures. my earliest memory of having these dreams was when i was 8. i had a coral-coloured quilt cover with a tiny white flower motif. mummy had bought the material and sewn the cover herself. i lay under it (on my side, always with my bolster behind me and touching my back (just to make sure i could not be attacked from behind), telling myself tt if i thought hard enough about being robin, it'd probably manifest in my dreams. and so tt's wat i did for the longest time. it only worked half the time. other times i'd have nightmares or no dreams at all.
back to tonight.. as i imbibed owl eyes, i wondered why i never wanted to be batman. and i guess it's cos there's something special about being a sidekick.. being able to don a colour-coordinated getup and save pple from evil, while not having to have any major action plan or actually attracting too much attention or getting an embarrassing amount of credit. and sidekicks never have to bear the responsibility of a superhero. and then i had an epiphany: i realised tt this could be why i always feel a curious yet comforting sense of empowerment when i sit in the front seat of a car, especially when the driver is male. it's like i'm reliving my dream of being robin. i guess it never happens with women drivers because their energy is different. i only feel tt strange sense of fulfilment and affinity with male drivers.
i don't think i was smiling to myself but i did feel such a wonderful sense of peace and pride at having made tt connection... so much so tt i felt compelled to write it out. i wonder how many other pple in this world get such a big kick out of walking home by themselves. i wonder how many pple ever let themselves in on this much of their own thoughts. i've figured by now tt the depth of thoughtfulness i have about life and the vividness of my memories is quite unique to myself but surely there must be someone out there who experiences such abstract epiphanies as i do and also sees the value of sharing them... (no?)
i feel better now. i feel better now.
Monday, October 15, 2012
i suddenly remember how i felt lying on my bed in currie hall, watching the specks of light dancing reflected off my mini discoballs that hung just under my spotlight above my bed; they were danced on the walls and on the ceiling, to the music in the background. the warm light filled the cold room and it was like me and the universe and a profound sadness and ecstacy all at once.
i wonder when i'll ever feel that way again. i wonder if it's because i am unfulfilled that i find myself hankering for times long gone. i wonder if anything good will come out of all this dreaming.
maybe i should become a nun. like a virgin, that's what i'd be.
say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?
say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?
i wonder when i'll ever feel that way again. i wonder if it's because i am unfulfilled that i find myself hankering for times long gone. i wonder if anything good will come out of all this dreaming.
maybe i should become a nun. like a virgin, that's what i'd be.
say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?
say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?
the last few months of the year are always bittersweet for me. rainy - which i quite like - and chilly and windy enough for me to layer up and wear as many colours/patterns as i like in one getup. but it's lonely. oh, but wait- that's like nearly every day of my life for the last couple of years. lonely. tough.
so i guess end of year is not tt special. the cold and the cloudiness makes my mind awake but leaves me wanting to hide under the covers, so that i am constantly and acutely aware that i have no one to get warm and toasty under the blanket with.
they say that you can't truly love someone and have them love you unless you know how to love yourself. i agree. but i am sick of loving just myself and not being loved by anybody else. and i certainly don't love my job enough to enjoy being fucked by it.
thank goodness i don't live in one of those places where it's cold and the days and nights are dark for half a year. i can't imagine feeling this deprived every single day for 6 straight months.
so i guess end of year is not tt special. the cold and the cloudiness makes my mind awake but leaves me wanting to hide under the covers, so that i am constantly and acutely aware that i have no one to get warm and toasty under the blanket with.
they say that you can't truly love someone and have them love you unless you know how to love yourself. i agree. but i am sick of loving just myself and not being loved by anybody else. and i certainly don't love my job enough to enjoy being fucked by it.
thank goodness i don't live in one of those places where it's cold and the days and nights are dark for half a year. i can't imagine feeling this deprived every single day for 6 straight months.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Reading some of old my posts, if i didn't know myself any better, i'd think i was a very sad person. it's probably cos my depressive staes of mind are just over-represented on this blog.
i haven't written anything really reflective for a long while. don't know if it's the time or energy that i'm lacking. perhaps a bit of both.
i haven't written anything really reflective for a long while. don't know if it's the time or energy that i'm lacking. perhaps a bit of both.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
i find loneliness terribly frustrating sometimes. and i don't mean alone-ness. i'm fine with being alone, in fact sometimes i really enjoy in the time i get to spend with myself. but feeling lonely- with so many pple around- just gets me down. according to my pills, it should be about another week till pms.. so why the hell am i already feeling so despondent now??!
i feel like i'm lagging; the things i aspired to have for myself... nothing's transpired. especially not where i want things to happen. and it's happened for everyone else. and i don't know wat i can do to move forward, if anything at all. i'm not THAT bad, am i? {:o( wat makes this worse is knowing tt being this emo is only gonna make the things i want move further from me. wat am i to make of myself?
i have a lot of pple who love me. in fact i have at least 150, all of whom are under the age of 10 and who i'm sure would do anything i ask if i only smile at them. an ego-booster, no? children are better than men. but i want both. why cannot? it's hard to believe in yourself when the only men who've ever - at one point of time - loved you have turned out to be assholes, and the remaining bits of your love life sound like a record of unrequited love put on replay.
omg i'm wallowing again. i AM sick. of this.
"love songs don't leave you, but lovers often do."
i feel like i'm lagging; the things i aspired to have for myself... nothing's transpired. especially not where i want things to happen. and it's happened for everyone else. and i don't know wat i can do to move forward, if anything at all. i'm not THAT bad, am i? {:o( wat makes this worse is knowing tt being this emo is only gonna make the things i want move further from me. wat am i to make of myself?
i have a lot of pple who love me. in fact i have at least 150, all of whom are under the age of 10 and who i'm sure would do anything i ask if i only smile at them. an ego-booster, no? children are better than men. but i want both. why cannot? it's hard to believe in yourself when the only men who've ever - at one point of time - loved you have turned out to be assholes, and the remaining bits of your love life sound like a record of unrequited love put on replay.
omg i'm wallowing again. i AM sick. of this.
"love songs don't leave you, but lovers often do."