this is prob the last post of the yr. i'm kind of wishing i had a nice collection of pics i could post up to summarise the yr. but considering the time limit time limit (31 mins till the yr is out) and the fact tt i have more than a thousand pics to choose frm (understatement of the yr), we'll leave it then. anyways, kind of cheesy and cliché isn't it, doing all tt.

but wat to do, i guess it's very human to want to organise things the way we do.. so here're some of my thoughts (in random order):

one of the worst years for my throat.

i liked celta, i think it was a great learning experience for me.

jamming kept me happy for this yr, but will it for the next? i do hope so.

i tried to be nicer to daddy.

i'm quite bothered tt i'm stuck at home this new years eve because i really wanted to be at the gig tonight and to stay over at the suite they booked and perhaps have a little informal inter-band bonding maybe? haha only karin knows what i'm thinking.

anyway, i hope next yr will be less falling sick. prob will be less since i'm in the pe dptmt and will be obliged to help out in the TAF club hahah bloody hell. i'll also be helping kids with big exams and shit so i don't wanna stress them by being frequently absent.

i want to grow musically next yr- have the will power to read and understand at least half of my piano handbook. i'm glad to finally be back singing choral music because i miss the sound of it so much. and i'm happy to be in a band and i hope we don't lose the drive and i hope the precarious dynamics improve next yr. i've sung how many- 5 gigs this yr? or 5 since i got back? i duno. maybe 4, or maybe more. my fav was the arts hse one cos i think tt went sooo well. more collaborating and gigging next yr, please!

i applaud myself for my resilience, and i am thankful for this year of healing.
maybe a new love next yr? a new love to stay and grow old with me. i met all my previous bfs in jan. this jan, we'll see.

i'm thankful for the work i've done and for all those who have encouraged me and continue to do so. a year ago, i never thought i'd be in this position (see: being a gahmen slave and not really minding it because i really enjoy my work)

catching up with old friends after being away for so long. making lots of new friends (celta, les signorets, music-related, vox, sch/work, among others.)

settling back into life here- social, family, work, watever- after being away for so long. this wasn't easy at all. but i guess it all fell into place. isn't perfect at the moment but nothing is anyway.

i hope to go to london in june to visit karin. tt's my top priority holiday. note to self: SAVE SAVE SAVE!!!!

i like tt im working now and making my own money. it's not much but i'm trying. hope i get a nice performance bonus before i had off for training. tt'd be really sweet.

i'm really happy tt im happy where i am. this is such an improvement from the beginning of the yr, when everything was just falling apart (failed plans for new caledonia teaching assistantship, ambivalence bout returning to perth for convo, having to come to terms with being the only single person in the hse blablah)

i finally did some things i've been procrastinating bout (is "about" really the right preposition? wat should it be, really? "over"??) sending karin something among them. haha.

this yr ive taught so much and ive learnt even more. i've learnt tt i love teaching. i'm so grateful for anne and her family for being the first ones to provide me with the opportunity to develop my teaching skills and for being so encouraging and inspiring. i want to visit them next yr in paris if there's time when i'm in london.

oh shit it's new yr now. 00:00. 010, why did you come so soon?

ok, so THIS yr, i'll be meeting lots of new pple too. new students, new classmates (at my course, which i have yet to bitch bout). may they all be - i won't say "nice" cos tts just being unrealistic- endearing.

my zehzeh is moving to nz in march. it'll be anotehr yr of changes for me. i guess it's good cos it keeps me from getting jaded, and having interest in life is really important for me. i'm dreading her leaving and i'm half excited too. excited for her, and excited for me (cos i'll be having my own room). i'll miss my zehzeh. {:o(

this yr, i HAVE TO learn to drive. cos zehzeh will be leaving and i guess i should stop procrastinating already. i feel reallybad not being able to help with the errands.

this yr sch will be exciting cos i'll have new (and hopefully more well-defined) duties and i'll apparently be doing wat i'm actually trained to do (helping foreign kids with eng). tt'll be a fun test for me. hopefully, on top of sch and training and choir and band, i'll still be able to fit in some tuition time. i'm anticipating having to make some tough calls here.

i wonder how the countdown at blujaz is going. and i wonder if lidong is there and i wonder if dylan is there. was actually looking forward to saying hi to lidong. and giving dylan the stab in the head he deserves.

spiritually, i think i'd like to remain where i am, without layman commitments and with an open mind.

lots of movement where love is concerned: some marriages, some get-togethers, some breakups, babies, blablah. none to do with my own lovelife. but i guess it's good cos being occupied with other pples' lovelife keeps me frm brooding too much bout my own.

i also had lots of me time, thanks to my flexible tuition job. walking round, exploring spore. i wish more pple could have the time and the interest to do tt.

other unique experiences: ipl, sch camp, etc.

ive been typing for almost an hr now and i'm not done. okok.. ending pretty soon ok. feeling feverish so need to sleep like in 10 mins.

i saw and heard and felt and did so much last yr. and i think i actually do as much every yr. wat a fulfilling life i have. i'm so grateful to God for this my fulfilling life and more importantly, for my simple mind tt allows me embrace sundries tt come my way. it'd be really nice if i had someone to share this all with. {:o)

the flu is getting to me. mornite. and happy, healthy new yr <3

was feeling pretty emo the whole evening. cant remember wat was going through my head, just remember feeling pretty out of it.

oh ok i recall a bit of it now.. family was discussing wat to get me for xmas and i said i needed nothing but then i thought bout it and i concluded to myself tt wat i really yearned for was a love life so i wouldn't feel so fucking bored. ok, it's not so i wont feel bored, really.. i guess i just appreciate tt kind of company. i wonder if i'll ever meet someone who'll fall in love with me when i'm at my worst. often pple a drawn to my manic aspect and then they kind of fail to realise tt the only way i can get so high is by falling really low.

this on the side: it frustrates me when men don't assert themselves when they're with me. then i feel subconsciously compelled to treat them like the pushovers they allow themselves to be. i find it almost impossible to translate such subservience (the giving in to me and apologising for lame insignificant things and all tt) as a sign of love/affection/watever. maybe it's their way of expressing it, but seriously, it's a real turn off. AND, i dont understand pple who try to make me less upset/tired/annoyed by saying: "don't be upset/tired/annoyed." how's tt even a solution or a consolation or a distraction?? in fact, it just reminds me of how upset/tired/annoyed i am and how insensitive you are to my plight and how crap you are at grasping the notion of emotions. what makes you think tt you can alleviate my plight by simply dictating how your wish of seeing me less upset/tired/annoyed? it works quite the opposite way, in fact. GAH! PET PEEEEEVE.

in unrelated news: i have a taxi habit.

weather has been alternating between crazy-hot and emo-chilly. well... i guess some variety is good, no?

thursday, finally met with the whole band after daaaaaaaamn long. had fun hanging round in cheam's room. today, finally had our xmas jam at boon's and it went pretty well. the best jam sessions are the really productive ones.

you know i thought i'd be free during the holidays but it seems tt i'll be fucking busy. stepping up on the tuition, volunteering with sch camp and the mv event. and then more jamming. and more jamming. and then some xmas meetups here and there. gah!! there's never enough time, is there?


reading this right now: The Ever So Strange Animal Almanac

i like stuff like tt. tt, and stuff like the MBTI personality test.

having my lunch of vegetarian rendang with leftover rice now. totally loving this shit, man. everyone's gone downtown and im just parked in front of my comp in my pyjamas watching random stuff on tv and listening to the emo chinese music frm the funeral downstairs. sounds like something out of those chinese period tv series. at my funeral, i want them to play zhi3 yao4 wei4 ni3 huo2 yi4 tian1. just for kicks. and then i want vox to do Prayer of the Children.

late late night last night. drunk cousins and supper at tiong bahru and drunk cousins. did i mention drunk cousins?

my self-esteem has been floating somewhere in the negative range the past few days. wake up in the morning and feel like i want to crawl into a hole in the ground and stay there. fucking pms. i hate how pple think pms is just a figment of women's imagination. i can tell you it fucking is NOT. cos i don't do any counting; as soon as i start feeling as down as i did yesterday, i know it's coming. dammit. so angsty. so anyway, the red sea came today and the washed all the blahness away. tt's prob the only great thing bout getting my period- no more pms.


on the brighter side, tim has gotten me a lobang with some fella he says is über-talented- better than paul ponnudurai, he tells me. so i'm dying to have a jam with this guy. he apparently wants a vox to do gigs with but i can't commit now for obvious reasons. tsk... fate had better have a bloody good excuse for this terrible timing. maybe he will offer me a chance to be his friend-with-benefits. then future days like this one, where i am all alone at home with nothign to do, at least i'll have someone to do. do i sound desperate? i'm not. .... tsk. oi. stop it. i'm not, ok.

ok, moving on to the frosted cupcake now. mass later. something tells me i'll be late- oh dear. haven't been jamming since forever and i'm starting to lose momentum. no no no.......

does watching me eat turn you on? or are these pigout sessions instrumental in your devious plan to have me for xmas? thinking bout this makes me uncomfortable because i want nothing more and nothing less from you than wat i have now. how to break it down?

:: Bad Romance - lady gaga

i'm addicted to this video. there seems to be this whole eastern promises cum cher cum marilyn manson thing going on. anyways, today sch was slack. good thing actually, since i only had something like 5 hours of sleep. i know- it's so ridiculous how i'm so adamant on keeping such unhealthy hours, knowing full well i have to wake up early. welwelwelcome to my world, won't you come on in. (miracles, i guess, still happen now and then)

Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

there's something so bizarre and addictive bout this video and this song. i like how it's quite eurodance-like.

i think my writing here has gradually become fairly esoteric over the yrs. not tt it matters tt much. but i guess with a job like my current one, this is how i should keep it.


oh, i forgot to mention, i love having the baby around. i think we all do. this is probably not a universal rule, but in my hse, having babies around always makes life a bit more bearable for everyone. it's like, babies have no pressure to be existential or anything like tt. they're just there cos pple like them there. maybe tt's why they know they can be all diva-like. wow i'm wishing right now tt i were somebody's baby too.

:: Bless This School - (the voices of my little rascals in my head)

ok so here's the lowdown, amelia: i've been fucking lazy at work recently. i dunno why. i hope it's not cos i'm losing momentum cos i think it's waaay too early in my this career to be going down. it's tt one article i've got to do. everytime i think of having to complete it, i'm reminded of why i chose teaching over anything masscommy.

so anyway, almost exactly one year ago, i logged onto fb to find myself dumped by the man i thought was the love of my life and the one whom i had envisioned myself spending the rest of my (sex)life with. it seems likea really long time ago. still, i'm grateful for the kind wishes frm all directions. my flatmates, my old friends, my not so old friends, a distant relation.. it made me realise how many pple i actually knew in my life and how many good impressions i mustve left (at least good enough for pple to want to say kind words to me in my time of despair, despite our dearth of communication up till then). tt was nice. i hope i could find it in me to do the same to someone when the need arises.

last week, regina brought up something tt made my guts curl up in shame. i know i have a bit of an ego but sometimes i let it get the better of me and then i just wanna slap myself for being so self-absorbed. how are you going to say anything comforting when you don't even notice it needs to be said, amelia? shame on you!


in other news, i've been blowing all my weekend tuition money (135-180) on taxirides and food. as usual. tsk, i'm just doing my bit in feeding the economy ok! and this is good, no?

(i am just thinking of other random shit to blabber on bout so tt i can avoid tt damn article.)

right, so... all this contact with dysfunctional/non-functional families at sch and all has been prompting me to try and recall wat i was like in sch when mummy and daddy were "not on good terms". mummy always told us we could tell pple tt if anyone asked. which was good i guess. actually it's damn good. the worst thing you can do to a child is tell them tt they're not allowed to tell anyone tt their parents are breaking up. like as if it's something the child ought to be ashamed of. TOTALLY cruel. just cos your marriage is dysfunctional, doesn't mean your kids have to be.. unless of course, you insist on bringing them up tt way. then i think you need to be smacked real hard.
how did we even get to talking bout this?

so.. moving on.. the extremely short (yet seemingly long) hiatus in attention i've been receiving made me feel a bit empty. and slightly (just slightly) insecure. and i had tried to take preemptive measures (such as telling myself i was just being delusional) just in case this were to happen. but it did happen and i wasn't ready for it. but i never am, am i, Am? so... what do you call it when it seems like you both seem to need to see each other every week?


haven't jammed in a while and it's beginning to feel normal- not good!!! what happened to the withdrawal symptoms i used to get? i should be cold turkey by now. oh man. cmon.. don't lose momentum now..