:: The Only Exception - paramore

you know, this is the closest i've come to something hopeful. but just remembering the intoxicating high i revelled in before i plummeted all the way down is enough to deter me. cos when you're so high up, the only way is down, innit? i think if i was just a bit crazier than i am, i'd prob be one of those pple who'd, when they've found their true love, would kill them and then commit suicide. just to keep it pure, if you know what i mean.

:: You've Got The Love - florence and the machine

i think we need to jam pretty soon.

starting my course in less than 2 weeks and i duno how i feel bout it. meeting new pple is good... i guess? sometimes i feel like i should stop meeting new pple. since i'm already having trouble finding the time to keep up with the gazillion friends i already have (not a sarcastic statement). but then it's not like i can help meeting pple. i'm like an accidental social whore. i wonder if it's cos pple are drawn to me or if it's that i'm unconsciously compelled to impinge on everyone's life in tt annoying way i do. could be both, could be neither. back to the point bout meeting pple - and i think i've mentioned this before- i think i've met such a ridiculous number of pple in my various mini-lifestages tt any new person i meet inevitably reminds me of someone ive met before. what do i make of this? yet to figure tt out.


so... anyhoo, i've decided since some time last yr tt i'd only feel really safe being with someone (if i had to be with them longterm) who loved me for my grouchiest face. you know tt corny line "Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile."? it sounds nice and purty but really, wat's the point? the thing is, i have a lovely smile (or so i've been told) and i know pple like my smile- not cos i'm egotistic but cos i've been told waaay too often.. by taxi drivers, colleagues, my kids, random old pple blablah. see? everyone likes my smile. if someone only falls in love with your smile, where they gonna be when you're bawling your eyes out? so there- i'll only ever be convinced of true love if he (hypothetical he) can look at my sullen slut of a face and without even trying, love me (emotional baggage, crazy outbursts and wat have you). now that's wat i call true love. ready to find the love of your life? put on your blackest face, bitches!

:: Hide and Seek - imogen heap

"Indulge in a bit of education today. It may flow two ways - as you learn from others, you are almost certain to teach them a thing or two about living life happily."


haha. 'indulge in a bit of education today'. i couldnt help but laugh to myself when i read tt in ST horoscope section today. i'm fucking inundated by education, man. but watever. i hope i did teach my kids a thing or two bout living life happily. tt would be fantastic. of course, it'd be a bonus too if wat they learnt from me included the skills they need to figure out the prob sums they'll be tested on next week... but i guess there's only so much i can do.

so anyway, i found some two hrs just now to sit dwn and read the backlog of STs. only managed today and yesterday's but i guess tt's good enough for now.

sometimes i wish we had more time. my curious mind could do with lots more hrs. but then again, my procrastinating bum of a brain would probably find brilliant ways to squander the extra time and then leave an hr for me to whine tt i dont have enough time. so i guess my wish for more time is in fact quite redundant.

cheam's got a gig tmr but i cant go cos i'll be busy playing games chez my museum partner.

i need to brush up on my french. mummy's friend mentioned taking conversationals or enrichment or something at the AF. i've actually thought bout it before but we'll see. i have a feeling this is one of those things i'll end up pushing to one side. for now i'll just settle for reading french books and occasionally keeping up with my french.about.com subscriptions. while we're on the topic of thigns tt i ought to be giving more attention to.. i really should start inquiring bout my driving thing. but, you know, i have this terrible feeling tt as soon as i learn how to drive, i'm gonna fuck up. i'm too scared to even say wat i imagine "fucking up" might mean.

okok choy choy choy. don't talk this kind of thing already. i just found out this evening tt this yr is spposed to be a good yr for oxen. tt made me pretty excited inside. no prizes for guessing wat im hoping for this yr. sorry lah, gatal can not? tsk.

i'll regret this procrastination when the mornite is over. but i need a little reprieve right now. i wonder if i'll pay dearly for hoping this hard on this my mental case.

i'm surfing and imbibing live lounge covers. awesome, some of them.

i'm so tired. i got abused again today and i was really desperate for someone to have dinner with. in the end it was just a charbroiled chicken club and me. reminds me of my solitary burger king times. maybe only the burger is bigger now. oh i do miss my burger king times.

:: I Walk the Line (johnny cash cover) - erik hassle

i don't look a thing like she does. but i talk like a gentle soul, more than you'll ever know. oh hazelnut.

34th post since the 666th post.

i am upset today. this overwelming feeling of hopelessness was triggered by a student maliciously hitting me on the lower back earlier this evening.

i don't know why it made me so upset. i feel inexplicably hurt and i've been holding back the tears but the pain is welling up inside.

i'm frustrated with amount of non-teaching-related work tt has been dumped on me since sch started. i'll admit it's relatively not that much but seriously, why cant you write your own bloody article? i don't welcome this at all.

i have this nagging feeling tt i might have a brain tumour and will die soon. i also think tt i'm a hypochondriac. what luck.

today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two... i try to be not like tt, but some pple really suck.

this is prob the last post of the yr. i'm kind of wishing i had a nice collection of pics i could post up to summarise the yr. but considering the time limit time limit (31 mins till the yr is out) and the fact tt i have more than a thousand pics to choose frm (understatement of the yr), we'll leave it then. anyways, kind of cheesy and cliché isn't it, doing all tt.

but wat to do, i guess it's very human to want to organise things the way we do.. so here're some of my thoughts (in random order):

one of the worst years for my throat.

i liked celta, i think it was a great learning experience for me.

jamming kept me happy for this yr, but will it for the next? i do hope so.

i tried to be nicer to daddy.

i'm quite bothered tt i'm stuck at home this new years eve because i really wanted to be at the gig tonight and to stay over at the suite they booked and perhaps have a little informal inter-band bonding maybe? haha only karin knows what i'm thinking.

anyway, i hope next yr will be less falling sick. prob will be less since i'm in the pe dptmt and will be obliged to help out in the TAF club hahah bloody hell. i'll also be helping kids with big exams and shit so i don't wanna stress them by being frequently absent.

i want to grow musically next yr- have the will power to read and understand at least half of my piano handbook. i'm glad to finally be back singing choral music because i miss the sound of it so much. and i'm happy to be in a band and i hope we don't lose the drive and i hope the precarious dynamics improve next yr. i've sung how many- 5 gigs this yr? or 5 since i got back? i duno. maybe 4, or maybe more. my fav was the arts hse one cos i think tt went sooo well. more collaborating and gigging next yr, please!

i applaud myself for my resilience, and i am thankful for this year of healing.
maybe a new love next yr? a new love to stay and grow old with me. i met all my previous bfs in jan. this jan, we'll see.

i'm thankful for the work i've done and for all those who have encouraged me and continue to do so. a year ago, i never thought i'd be in this position (see: being a gahmen slave and not really minding it because i really enjoy my work)

catching up with old friends after being away for so long. making lots of new friends (celta, les signorets, music-related, vox, sch/work, among others.)

settling back into life here- social, family, work, watever- after being away for so long. this wasn't easy at all. but i guess it all fell into place. isn't perfect at the moment but nothing is anyway.

i hope to go to london in june to visit karin. tt's my top priority holiday. note to self: SAVE SAVE SAVE!!!!

i like tt im working now and making my own money. it's not much but i'm trying. hope i get a nice performance bonus before i had off for training. tt'd be really sweet.

i'm really happy tt im happy where i am. this is such an improvement from the beginning of the yr, when everything was just falling apart (failed plans for new caledonia teaching assistantship, ambivalence bout returning to perth for convo, having to come to terms with being the only single person in the hse blablah)

i finally did some things i've been procrastinating bout (is "about" really the right preposition? wat should it be, really? "over"??) sending karin something among them. haha.

this yr ive taught so much and ive learnt even more. i've learnt tt i love teaching. i'm so grateful for anne and her family for being the first ones to provide me with the opportunity to develop my teaching skills and for being so encouraging and inspiring. i want to visit them next yr in paris if there's time when i'm in london.

oh shit it's new yr now. 00:00. 010, why did you come so soon?

ok, so THIS yr, i'll be meeting lots of new pple too. new students, new classmates (at my course, which i have yet to bitch bout). may they all be - i won't say "nice" cos tts just being unrealistic- endearing.

my zehzeh is moving to nz in march. it'll be anotehr yr of changes for me. i guess it's good cos it keeps me from getting jaded, and having interest in life is really important for me. i'm dreading her leaving and i'm half excited too. excited for her, and excited for me (cos i'll be having my own room). i'll miss my zehzeh. {:o(

this yr, i HAVE TO learn to drive. cos zehzeh will be leaving and i guess i should stop procrastinating already. i feel reallybad not being able to help with the errands.

this yr sch will be exciting cos i'll have new (and hopefully more well-defined) duties and i'll apparently be doing wat i'm actually trained to do (helping foreign kids with eng). tt'll be a fun test for me. hopefully, on top of sch and training and choir and band, i'll still be able to fit in some tuition time. i'm anticipating having to make some tough calls here.

i wonder how the countdown at blujaz is going. and i wonder if lidong is there and i wonder if dylan is there. was actually looking forward to saying hi to lidong. and giving dylan the stab in the head he deserves.

spiritually, i think i'd like to remain where i am, without layman commitments and with an open mind.

lots of movement where love is concerned: some marriages, some get-togethers, some breakups, babies, blablah. none to do with my own lovelife. but i guess it's good cos being occupied with other pples' lovelife keeps me frm brooding too much bout my own.

i also had lots of me time, thanks to my flexible tuition job. walking round, exploring spore. i wish more pple could have the time and the interest to do tt.

other unique experiences: ipl, sch camp, etc.

ive been typing for almost an hr now and i'm not done. okok.. ending pretty soon ok. feeling feverish so need to sleep like in 10 mins.

i saw and heard and felt and did so much last yr. and i think i actually do as much every yr. wat a fulfilling life i have. i'm so grateful to God for this my fulfilling life and more importantly, for my simple mind tt allows me embrace sundries tt come my way. it'd be really nice if i had someone to share this all with. {:o)

the flu is getting to me. mornite. and happy, healthy new yr <3

was feeling pretty emo the whole evening. cant remember wat was going through my head, just remember feeling pretty out of it.

oh ok i recall a bit of it now.. family was discussing wat to get me for xmas and i said i needed nothing but then i thought bout it and i concluded to myself tt wat i really yearned for was a love life so i wouldn't feel so fucking bored. ok, it's not so i wont feel bored, really.. i guess i just appreciate tt kind of company. i wonder if i'll ever meet someone who'll fall in love with me when i'm at my worst. often pple a drawn to my manic aspect and then they kind of fail to realise tt the only way i can get so high is by falling really low.

this on the side: it frustrates me when men don't assert themselves when they're with me. then i feel subconsciously compelled to treat them like the pushovers they allow themselves to be. i find it almost impossible to translate such subservience (the giving in to me and apologising for lame insignificant things and all tt) as a sign of love/affection/watever. maybe it's their way of expressing it, but seriously, it's a real turn off. AND, i dont understand pple who try to make me less upset/tired/annoyed by saying: "don't be upset/tired/annoyed." how's tt even a solution or a consolation or a distraction?? in fact, it just reminds me of how upset/tired/annoyed i am and how insensitive you are to my plight and how crap you are at grasping the notion of emotions. what makes you think tt you can alleviate my plight by simply dictating how your wish of seeing me less upset/tired/annoyed? it works quite the opposite way, in fact. GAH! PET PEEEEEVE.

in unrelated news: i have a taxi habit.

weather has been alternating between crazy-hot and emo-chilly. well... i guess some variety is good, no?

thursday, finally met with the whole band after daaaaaaaamn long. had fun hanging round in cheam's room. today, finally had our xmas jam at boon's and it went pretty well. the best jam sessions are the really productive ones.

you know i thought i'd be free during the holidays but it seems tt i'll be fucking busy. stepping up on the tuition, volunteering with sch camp and the mv event. and then more jamming. and more jamming. and then some xmas meetups here and there. gah!! there's never enough time, is there?


reading this right now: The Ever So Strange Animal Almanac

i like stuff like tt. tt, and stuff like the MBTI personality test.

having my lunch of vegetarian rendang with leftover rice now. totally loving this shit, man. everyone's gone downtown and im just parked in front of my comp in my pyjamas watching random stuff on tv and listening to the emo chinese music frm the funeral downstairs. sounds like something out of those chinese period tv series. at my funeral, i want them to play zhi3 yao4 wei4 ni3 huo2 yi4 tian1. just for kicks. and then i want vox to do Prayer of the Children.

late late night last night. drunk cousins and supper at tiong bahru and drunk cousins. did i mention drunk cousins?

my self-esteem has been floating somewhere in the negative range the past few days. wake up in the morning and feel like i want to crawl into a hole in the ground and stay there. fucking pms. i hate how pple think pms is just a figment of women's imagination. i can tell you it fucking is NOT. cos i don't do any counting; as soon as i start feeling as down as i did yesterday, i know it's coming. dammit. so angsty. so anyway, the red sea came today and the washed all the blahness away. tt's prob the only great thing bout getting my period- no more pms.


on the brighter side, tim has gotten me a lobang with some fella he says is über-talented- better than paul ponnudurai, he tells me. so i'm dying to have a jam with this guy. he apparently wants a vox to do gigs with but i can't commit now for obvious reasons. tsk... fate had better have a bloody good excuse for this terrible timing. maybe he will offer me a chance to be his friend-with-benefits. then future days like this one, where i am all alone at home with nothign to do, at least i'll have someone to do. do i sound desperate? i'm not. .... tsk. oi. stop it. i'm not, ok.

ok, moving on to the frosted cupcake now. mass later. something tells me i'll be late- oh dear. haven't been jamming since forever and i'm starting to lose momentum. no no no.......