:: Gravity - sarah bareillesit was a good day, today. well,
yesterday technically. dylan gave me the wake up call i asked for and i managed to make it down for brekfast at 9.25. nice. had a nice brekfast chat with the morning people and then went back up to make my bed and took a leisurely shower.
went to school early to try and get the fren2215
Atlas text (no stock still) then went for semantics and then french. cept for sporadic zone out moments during french, my attention span was tiptop and of this i'm extremely proud. good job, amelia. why, thank you.
lunched at currie, then went with siwei to sign up for ceroc. and then meet ravi at the guild to buy our polsci bks. i can't believe i'm doing this again. overloading and being yaya. but i don't like letting go of things tt i've already started so oh well, plato here we come.
came back and napped with my door open as usual and then got woken up by the guys calling me frm across the hallway. i love my currie guys. haha what would i do without them, really?
then ceroc, then dinner at the girls' again. very shiok. never disappointing. i'm so lucky to have great friends.
today was a day i loved. i felt alive.on a different note, i so did not appreciate the shit durga pulled on me while she was visiting. i wish i hadn't even met up with her in the first place. sometimes i wonder why i put up with nonsense like tt.
dylan has been so extremely accommodating and loving. once in a while, i feel i don't deserve it. this mornite i'm feeling a little like i'm missing melancholy. i guess i am pretty fucked up like tt eh? who wouldn't want to be eternally happy? i thought i wanted all tt but now tt i've found someone who takes this much pleasure in making sure i'm happy comfy safe and so very loved, i'm beginning to miss the feeling of pain wrenching my heart.
i don't think it's fair to dylan that i feel this way. it's extremely selfish cos i'm totally ruining his plans. i'm afraid i'll run out of love. when i was younger and dumber and more passionate and in love with andrew, i felt in my heart an eternal love which i'm afraid has now evaded my instincts.
i'm always afraid that if i have ugly or intellectually or emotionally impaired children, i'm going to run out of love. no, even when i have normal children, i can't guarantee i'll like them much. i know i know, if you squeeze something out of your cb like tt, how can you feel nothing yes? but i'm having trouble phathoming myself in love with anything for long. i told this to dylan and i think it upset him. he said i shouldn't talk like tt. wat is it these men expect of me? (not a rhetorical qn.) i know dylan says he doesn't expect anything. he wants all of me- good mood bad mood fat thin bitchy sweet watever. he says he has his moods too and we both know he can be nasty and all. but i know beneath all tt, he's not self-ish the way i am. he says he'll give up diving for me. but i could never give up my self-indulgent melancholy-addiction and my bouts of reckless hedonism. i feel sorry for him and i know i shouldn't. sometimes i ask myself if i love him. and i think i do but it's not the kind of deep deep unhealthy heartwrenching love i would prefer to feel. it's not him, it's just me; i think we're extremely compatible and that makes me feel always at home with him and it's reassuring. in other words, he's good for me, he's what i need. not forgetting, our undeniable mutual urge to copulate and make babies. but i duno if he's what i want. it somehow feels like i've lost capacity to love deeply like i wish i could. it's like tt with the pple who love me.
tell me it's just the distance. pls let it be the distance. this is upsetting me. i was gonna call him but i guess i won't do it now. i'm a terrible princess.
