compliments of the season.

oh... i remember this time last yr. i was bitching bout why we couldn't just say merry belated christmas instead of compliments of the season.

my christmas wish came true this yr- thanks, cheryl.

so bf ( <---- BF! not ex-bf! {:oD )and i have a lot of semantic problems. this is not new, of course. it's frustrating we have such different minds but at least we have a few things in common; among them - we both think i'm crazy, needy and slightly twisted, we also both know i have an anger management problem, and we both have to explain ourselves two or more times to each other in conversations just to run out the semantic kinks, we both think too much, we alos love food, and lastly,he is as different to me as i am to him. PERFECT. all we need is to strike a balance.

it was almost the perfect break-up too: christmas day, lots of crying, lots of rain (for added dramatic effect). i remember crossing the bridge to the fullerton and the drizzle starting to annoy me and wishing for myself to be hit by a stray bullets frm a drive-by shooting (wtf!?). i think i really freaked out the girl beside me at 12.30 mass with the excessive and displaced noseblowing. and then there was the taxi driver who had to tahan my bawling from outside fullerton all the way to tampines. i think wat really bewildered him was my waahhhh uh-huhk... uh-huhk boo hoo *sniff sniff* ... merry.. christmas, uncle.. waaaahhhh.. as i got out of the cab. haha you should've seen his face, man. poorthing.

lidong and amelia are back with a vengeance! MUAH-HA-HAHA-HA!!

:: Lost Without Your Love - bread

Merry Christmas.

your job this coming new year is to cherish what you have.

You don't realise how much you care for someone until they stop caring for you. don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours - pamelia's msn nickname. i know.. you've probably heard this before and go like oh quit being corny. but it couldn't come at a better time huh. the birthday boy is pretty good with scripts and cues, it seems. even the bread song was right on time on the radio. kudos, Jesus.

two weeks ago at the choir 'retreat', we talked bout patience. 'i'm too impatient with my bf, my sister, my father. it's always harder to be patient with those closest to you. i guess it's cos you expect them to know you better.' then i said a little prayer, asking God to help me with this patience thing.

i'm not implying tt God's just not being helpful. i guess it's just me. when will i ever learn? i'm lucky most of the pple i'm impatient with are family. at least they can't leave me even if they wanted to.

i've been wondering all day if what lidong said last night was true. if i didn't give a shit, how could we have lasted this long. i guess it's true that i've been taking more than giving. i won't deny not giving my all sometimes. i've been riding for free on this feel-good sensation. it's really a bit like tt movie the last kiss huh? you want me and i, well i just don't know what i want. or maybe, all i want is all i don't know.

it's not fair. how come i only get one life?

it would be very romantic to say to you now 'i've been thinking about you the whole day, since you told me last night that you wanted out, and i've been wanting to tell you i love you to bits and this is all just a misunderstanding; i'll love you for ever and ever and this will never happen again'. but i'm not a good liar and i'm an even worse catholic. not forgetting, i'm feeling like i'm the worst girlfriend in the world already; no need to prove anything more by lying.

the truth is i've been thinking about you. and me. and us. not in a cohesive, comprehensible manner. it's just all floating in my head and i can't make sense of any of it. and i've been trying all day to think of a string of happy times we've had together. why is it these things elude me? i'm sure we've shared more than a few good times, not even counting times we 'made love'. you always knew we wouldn't work huh? i kind of suspected too but i don't regret anything. we tried right? well, you tried.

the irony is tt i've been warning myself; keep this up and you're gonna lose him. stupid bitch, amelia.

it's 12.48am and now that the asian games is over, i have no more mornite routine.

zehzeh is in new zealand and sera went back to jb for the break so it's just me. and the room. me and the room. it feels like in perth. little disco balls, small tungsten bulbs, homely bedcovers, me laptop, some good music and a sprinkling of procrastination. nostalgia won't leave me alone.

i wanted to go out tonight, club or something. you know, just hang out. is there anyone who doesn't wonder about the future? it scares me sometimes to know that i don't have anything to do tomorrow. and the next tomorrow. and tomorrow of that tomorrow.

the burger king at the old Pavilion is gone. i remember sitting there ruminating over one of those new burgers while cheesy pop lovesongs made the air around me seem a little more familiar. tt was a good meal.

i keep thinking there's something i should be doing (online, i mean). like isn't there someone i should be talking to? isn't there soemthing i should be reading? if i had to live with this feeling for ever, i'd grow so tired.

:: Complainte de la Butte - rufus wainwright

i got a job sortof. frm the classifieds. partially blind man needs transcriber. i know this doesn't sound like it's got much to do with lunguistics or french (which was criterion#1) but i guess it sounded interesting enough. i'm really looking for life experience, not so much job experience so i guess it'll do. though i realise now tt my "partially blind" man might very well turn out to be a sex predator on the prowl for young flesh.. erm. but i'll get someone to follow me lah.

i'm glad my parents have a sense of humour. they took pics of lidong and i with baby ben yesterday and then mummy said, you can show to lidong's mother and then she won't wonder anymore why you've been putting on weight lately. HAHAHAA.

uncle jeffrey: ya ya! then she will say 'no wonder we never see amelia for so long'! HAHAHAHA.

other pple in the room: HAHAHAHAHA

later lidong told me, wah your mother laughed so loud just now.
me: funny, wat.. haha. i love my parents.


:: Paracetamoxtfrusebendroneomycin - amateur transplants

can the cats downstairs PLEASE stop fucking round? meemee-meeowmeeow uGH. please, make it stop!

karin is back!!

i, on the other hand, have been back for bout a month and still don't have a job. blurgh. but i'm being really picky and passive bout this jobsearching so it's kind of my fault.

since the last time i was back, we got new channels on scv (i still call it scv), cincluding TV5Monde and some deutsche and chinese channels. this is good, cos now i can practice listening to french everyday without moving my ass frm the sofa. haha.

another thing is tt mama has moved into my room (so technically it's not mine anymore) and zehzeh, sera and i share zehzeh's rm (technically not hers anymore); it looks like a dormitory.. haha 3 single beds side by side with 3 matching dressing tables in front. thank God for big hdb bedrooms (as opposed to condo bedrms).

the other day mama was watching some cantonese talkshow on the living rm tv and i just sat there trying to guess what was going on. then mama said i could change channel so i switched to le journal on tvmonde5 and then it was her turn to sit there and figure out the news. i just thought that whole incident was quite cute.

i never realised this until elaine (cousin frm london) mentioned it the last time we were in singapore at the same time: at the dinner table you can hear more than 2 languages being spoken at the same time. mummy speaks to mama in hokkien and mama speaks to uncle jeffrey in malay, and zehzeh and i speak english to mummy and uncle jeffrey and broken mandarin to mama. sera speaks to us in english but to mama in cantonese. seriously, how many places in the world can you do this? maybe it's just the language craze in me, but i really really like being round so many languages and understanding most of them; i think it's so enriching. i guess we all kindof take it for granted here.

you know, i haven't listened to my winamp since i got back. cos now i have no room and therefore nowhere to plug in my speakers so tt it won't disturb anyone.

ive got some sort of allergy since i got back. some sinus thing. ugh stupid nose.

Ça fait longtemps. à peu près un mois, je crois.

:: Hurt - nine inch nails

went for a job interview yesterday at some student care centre. min $9/hr please, i said. something tells me three months isn't going to be too long.

i feel like being alone, sitting in a park alone and not having to talk. i havent had a good pensive moment in a long while.

this was what i was thinking bout while sitting on the couch with daddy at his place and he started his hand tic (abruptly hitting the sofa every now and then): pple who are alone for too long begin to lose a sense of self (soi-même, c'est-à-dire). if there is no other, then there is no longer the need to establish oneself, non? sporadic social interaction becomes a conscious task mediated by memories of previous interactions and the only person you're comfortable with is yourself, despite the intrapersonal reproach.


i wish it didn't take me so much effort to be interested in daddy's life. he sounded like he was gonna cry when i told declined his invitation to a movie yesterday afternoon. the thought of giving someone a second chance is cute and rosy but really doing it is bit far out of the way. maybe not if i wasn't so fucking lazy.

i have to start making some money soon if i don't want to be broke before the year is out. but staying home doing nothing has done good for old memories. ok this sounds really silly but the smell of tea tree oil and moonflower and pimple lotion and freshly-washed-but-not-yet-dry laundry reminds me of a previous relationship. feels good.. reliving tt naive adolescent excitement and glee. makes me feel giggly and silly but happy at the same time. really hot diluted milo reminds me of my pri school tuckshop. the smell of a haze reminds me of 1997, when i used to think it was a fresh smell. paint smell reminds me of our place in bedok, when mummy repainted our room and we had to move our beds outside to the hall and i peed in my bed. spray-paint smell reminds me of tt aep camp we had in sec 2 where we had to make giant shoes out of anything we could find. dynamo smells of the times our yellow washing machine didn't have a dryer function and mummy had to take out the clothes dripping wet piece by piece to wring them dry by hand.

:: Cry - mandy moore

ah this song. still smells of innocence to me. mine i.e.