Healthy food makes you fart.


happy birthday happy birthday,
we love you.
happy birthday and may all your dreams come true.
when you blow out the candles,
one light's still aglow;
it's the lovelight in your eyes where'er you go.

~ the Puspalms' traditional b'day song (i finally caught the words to the love light part)


i played with my digicam today. happy belated birthday to myself. i'm worried tt i'm suffering from impulsive worklust cos i dont think i really care bout my bday anymore - an issue i don't want to approach now.

anyway, i'm thinking i shouldn't become a journalist because i love reading and writing bout myself so much more than i do other pple. which would explain why i can write more than 500 words bout myself in less than 20 mins but always have trouble squeezing even 150 words out when i write my articles. for scriptwrit, we had to write a letter to someone frm our past (beats me too; i never get the point of persson's assignmts). i couldn't think of anyone in particular, thus the 'unknown'...


Dear unknown,

How are you and what have you been up to?

I’m now living on the edge of Tampines and no longer in front of Bedok Reservoir. My mother, my sister and I had to move out of our old place because my parents finally got divorced. We live nearer to the airport now, where my stepfather is working as an engineer.

I’m currently studying Mass Communication in Ngee Ann Polytechnic and the dreariness of life in Third-Year is nearly killing me. Nowadays, I only wake up just in time to make it for school. Otherwise, I wake up late and take a cab. This has made me relatively poorer than I’d like to be. As you might have deduced, I’m still very much a procrastinator. In fact, I meant to write this letter more than a few months ago but never got down to it till now.

Schooling in poly has taught me more than I expected to learn; lessons on life, people, and other stuff that I can actually apply. I know that that sounds cliché, but I really feel like I’ve grown more in the past three years than I ever did when I was in primary or secondary school. Just for the record, I now understand and speak more than 2 languages.

In case you’re wondering, yes, I do still sing – in the toilet, in class, in church, at home, at other people’s homes… everywhere. Among other recent musical achievements, I’ve learnt to play the guitar, not very effectively though, because I’m still extremely lazy. I’ve also been writing poems, some of which I’ve turned into songs.

Since a few years ago, I got myself hooked on books – something I never had a penchant for previously. I’m not sure how I’ve benefited from this habit, except that I feel smarter and more enriched.

The way I look at life has changed quite a bit. I dare say I’m now a subverted little hypocrite. I still go to church like I used to, only now, I do it without conviction or zest. Some of the people I hang out with now are the kind that I would never have imagined myself to be friends with when I knew you. It’s not a bad thing. Let’s just say I’m now a lot more open.

Thus far, I’ve had only one real relationship and I already feel jaded and wizened. Occasionally I fall into a crazed state and become manic-depressive. Ironically, I think it’s because I’ve come to terms with most of my feelings and sometimes let my moods lead me. This is not always a bad thing. I still indulge in laughter often and tell lame jokes.

I sometimes look back at how much I’ve changed since I last saw you and I often wonder where I’ll be in the future; what I’ll be doing, who I’ll be with. I’m happy I wrote this letter to you. I’m sure you’ll be surprised by some of ways I’ve changed just as I am when I reminisce about my life. I hope life hasn’t been too harsh on you too and I hope to hear from you.


dom (who kindly printed my assignmt for me) said he read it and i am a scary person. perhaps i am. oh well. today julius said i looked plumper when the year started but now i'm skinnier again. i am not proud of this. i don't really like being skinny. been wrapping myself in work and slack so i haven't had time to eat.

listening to: Sleep to Dream, fiona apple

yesterday or the day before, i came home to mummy playing the piano. then aunty peng called frm london and i took over the piano. played some nice chords on the left and came up with a nice tune in my head for the melody. but my bad righthand-lefthand coordination meant i couldn't play the melody and nice chords togther, so i sang it out instead. i attempted to transcribe my new song but drawing score-sheets and notes was too tedious. wonder if i'll remember the tune the next time.


in other old news which i forgot to scribe:
- i know ethel has a thing for martin. i remember who i liked when i was her age. oh sch girl crushes are so cute. tt was innocence.
- i am drawn to 2 girls in my actdir class.
- i need to find time for a wax. urgent.
- i finally dwnldd OAG's AkuStatik.

listening to: Let Her Down Easy, terence trent d'arby





this is Chad. i think he's 8 or 9 this yr. he was spposed to be a crocodile but i couldn't find my green crayon so he had to be a yellow lizard. sorry bout the tail too, chad.

Good morning, good morning; and how are you this morning?

listening to: At Seventeen, Janis Ian 
 
-and it all seems so far away.

at the turn of midnight just now, i was high. now, i'm just wondering how i'll be able to wake up in 4 hours' time. it doesn't matter because i've forgotten what matters. i am very aware tt the feelings or non-feelings i'm experiencing now are due to God's present to me for today (it's red, it's fluid). yea, God has a sense of humour. anyhow, being aware doesnt mean i can control the way i feel or dont feel.

i got Ares Galaxy so i can finally gratify my aural itch.
i still remember what happened around this time last year.

you know, i used to want to get married by 24 or 25, but that's only less than 6 years away and i think perhaps that's not enough time to find someone i will really love and vice versa. i know i always joke bout my rich dying man. but i guess all i want is someone who i can make happy AND vice versa.

i think i've lost my so-called innocence (my virginity's still here though- yo wassup, it says - and i'm not quite sure what to do with it now). i know it sounds mighty corny, but i just don't feel innocent anymore. yea, subverted little bitch, you. ah-haha.

zehzeh calls from london almost everyday. she comes back this sunday. she bought me shirts from GAP and elderflower syrup and other yummy things.  i think daddy will forget my birthday again this year. doesn't matter to me anymore.

i think this year i will wish for my knees to get all better. tt'll no doubt solve a lot of other issues (namely, my not having a life). 
 i'll stop here. thank you for all your contributions thus far. 

In Penny Lane there is a barber showing photographs
of every head he's had the pleasure to have known.
And all the people that come and go
Stop and say hello.

On the corner is a banker with a motorcar,
and little children laugh at him behind his back.
And the banker never wears a mac
In the pouring rain, very strange.

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes.
There beneath the blue suburban skies
I sit, and meanwhile back...

In Penny Lane there is a fireman with an hourglass
And in his pocket is a portrait of the Queen.
He likes to keep his fire engine clean,
It's a clean machine.

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes.
A four of fish and finger pies
In summer, meanwhile back...

Behind the shelter in the middle of the roundabout
The pretty nurse is selling poppies from a tray
And though she feels as if she's in a play
She is anyway.

In Penny Lane the barber shaves another customer,
We see the banker sitting waiting for a trim.
And then the fireman rushes in
From the pouring rain, very strange.

Penny lane is in my ears and in my eyes.
There beneath the blue suburban skies
I sit, and meanwhile back...
Penny lane is in my ears and in my eyes.
There beneath the blue suburban skies,
Penny Lane.
 
 
(Penny Lane, The Beatles)
 
 

i feel nauseous. i must have been secretly impregnated by the aliens tt came dwn to earth when they heard the calls of Furniture (at baybeats yesteday). the band had these alien-esque noises going on with the nice loudish music, kindof like mogwai. nice. i was stoning to it.
 
i liked this other getup, Whence he came. good music, good presence and cute lead vocalist haha. and his green shirt also nice. haha. another band i liked was Love Me Butch got everyone's adrenalin up and pumping. nice presence.
 
i don't get why everyone was raving bout The Observatory, cos i thought they were only so-so. like a bit boring. maybe they sound better recorded. jon's gonna lend me the cd so i judge for  myself. 
 
Force Vomit is the bomb! so cute lah, they all. ok, so i'm a sucker for singing mats ok. but they were really entertaining. the only song i have by them is Can't Let You Go and i didn't really like how the vocals sounded in tt when i first dwnldd it (it's grown on me now though). heard Siti at ravi's hse once but i dont remember it sounding so good. i was so happy when all the fans started singing the chorus together with the band yesterday. haha. i want a Force Vomit cd, a Love Me Butch cd and a Whence he came cd for my birthday. maybe i will use my birthday money to get them.
 
i feel myself turning into a slob. i find i have decreasing regard for anything. but before we make any assumptions, we must always ask: is it pms?
i hope i don't fall aleep during IS classes tmr. last week i was so sleepy i accidentally stabbed my hand with a screwdriver while wiring a plug for BHE. ow.
The Whole Ten Yards is not a good show. saw it with daddy just now. i'm tired. feel tempted to pontang french tomorrow, but i choose not to see tt as an option; even if it's free, i still wanna get the most out of it.
 
i don't like it when i need someone to talk to and pple on my msn list ignore my msgs. i don't wnat to be imposing, i just want to be imposing. i am NumbChin and i need to barf real bad.
 
hmm... BARF - i like tt word. i would like to have a band called toxic barf but then pple will think i'm trying to poser Force Vomit, and i wouldn't dare to liken my musical talent (or lack there of) to theirs. ok so i can't use barf. tsk. this sucks. i wnated broadBand but aside from being lame, the name isn't at all flattering. maybe i should call the band........ NumbChin Go Kencing. eh, wah i'm a genius. ok set! hahaa. anyone want to join my band, please apply now hor. hur hur hur... eh i chope vocals ok, cos singing's just bout the only thing i can really do.

i am in a stoned, unhappy mood. just got back from baybeats.
jermaine left earlier, thai girls weren't any fun, ravi didn't go home by mrt, julius was rude to me, and andrew didn't take mrt either in the end.
 
jermaine, sorry if i was a bit stoned tonight. see you in sch on monday.
 
venus butterfly, i have nothing to say to you; you dont read my blog anyway.
 
kawan, i hope you found a cheap way to go home. i appreciate the concern, but there are times when i am incapable of chilling. don't forget to smack me.
 
julius, don't be a bitch. if you're rude to me again, you can strike me off your list of pple who actually talk to you.
 
andrew, ... watever lah. i shouldn't expect so much anyway.
 
amelia, go and bathe and go to sleep
 
karin, miss hanging with you.
 
michhooterchan, hi. force vomit is nice.  
 
jing, i have my clockwork orange bk for you to borrow.
 
amelia, the bumblebee getup is not cute. go and fuck yourself.
 
ok. right after i go and bathe. thanks.
 
 
just because amelia has sclerosis, it does not mean she has no backbone. akan datang: slipdisc. Go touch a huge wooden boat. now.
 
 

tsk. Life! did an article concerning Mac's so i'll have to scrap mine for hype. oh well, maybe it's all for the best. i have till sunday morning to submit a new factsheet.

why do pple have to organise events on the same days? i wana watch the HeritageFest films, but the screenings coincide with baybeats, which i'm gonna see. wah lau i can't help feeling annoyed.

two days ago i dreamt i quarrelled with andrew. weird, cos i usually only dream of things tt have been lurking in my subconscious recently.
tt day, andrew msged me to say tt he was in the complab and some girl called jan was sitting beside him, reading my blog. then when he looked over again, she was reading his blog. uncanny!? i wonder how comfortable i am with strangers reading all my thoughts, but then such is the implication of posting head and heart juice online...

i can now play an apprehensible rendition of matchbox 20's Hang. yay. jubilate, please.

i was just thinking of two nice films i watched a long time ago. The Mambo Kings and Little Man Tate.

i am oddly attracted to this girl in my a&d class. her name's not josephine, but for some odd reason, i keep thinking it is. in other news, zehzeh smsed frm paris to say she bought foie gras. i said yay and asked her to also buy elderflower syrup and some barnier praline bonbons.

i'm fickle crap. or maybe it's just tt i like the thrill of talking or flirting with a guy for the first few times. then after tt another guy comes along and i'm suddenly no longer amused by the previous one. why? duno. it's almost 1am - time to do french hmwk!

ON PLAY: Hang, Matchbox 20

this is my favourite song for now. lots of thanks to beda bhai maan who sent it to me. i'm also beginning to like low rider by War. roger recommended tt.

READING: The Haunted Tea-Cosy by Edward Gorey

yesterday i sang for a wedding at 12noon. as usual, got sabo'd into doing a solo for the 1st verse of as the deer, and singing the kyrie(eleison) by myself (cos the priest, apparently, was tone deaf or something). good tt i didnt screw it up. at the reception, i bumped into jill thong (tvprod lecturer), who asked if we were free to sing for her wedding in oct. she said i could contact her via her ext in sch. awkward. well, if we do sing for her wedding, will she promise not to invite crotchety old fish?

gabriel was playing his bond cd yesterday before choir practice started and i was imagining myself dancing some salsa or somehting to the music, and the adrenalin rush i'd get and how happy i'd be. then i thought bout how wonky my knees were and i felt horrible. i really love the feeling i get when i dance. i must pray for a miracle. but it's hard enough to pray at all...

sometimes when i face the sun at a certain angle, i can see things in my eyes. ya, i do mean things floating on top of my pupils. little organisms tt resemble wat you might see under a microscope or something. and they're alive. i know they're there, but no one believes me because they dont see it; pple dont tend to look too far beyond. it frustrates me when i tell pple these things and they look at me funny and don't even want to try to understand wat i mean. if only they'd look a little harder.

sometimes when i look at scenery, i see little airwaves moving randomly in front of it. and my eyes focus on the layer of waves, ignoring the distant view and the things closeby. so it seems like i'm out of focus with everything. but i'm not, really. i want you to try and see wat i see.

stuart returns to melbourne today. he was in church yesterday, but now there's an awkwardness between two of us. he probably thinks tt i don't like him as much anymore and tt's why i'm acting cold. i'm loud but sometimes i'm shy with pple i like. but i guess he wouldn't be totally wrong to think i don't like him as much. and maybe he doesn't think i'm so hot anymore either. oh well.. i just wonder if i'm the first girl to do this to him.

i hate it when pple call me a kentang. i am not kentang or kantang... or however you wanna pronounce it. i'm proud to be a fusion of everything i know. and just cos i don't speak/read/write chinese well, doesnt mean i adore the ways of the west. tt's a very narrow way to see it. i wish pple weren't so quick to judge. i know it sounds self-righteous, but sometimes i wish pple were as understanding and accepting as me.

ON PLAY: They Can't Take That Away From Me, Harry Cornick Jr.

tuesday evening, me, jon and jermaine looked round for bks to review. and i wondered: who is it who controls time? it's a circle, i swear. i can create my own time if i make wat i'm doing important enough. then pple will follow my time and i will set the time.

ok i'm babbling.

my zehzeh is leaving for london with mama tonight. i will miss her and i'll be scared for her (cos i can always find a million things to worry bout). she will go there and eat my share of hampstead crepes and view the museums for me and eat fish and chips for me. london is her area, france is mine. i love my zehzeh and for 21 days i will have no one to fight with over the tv and no one to bitch to and talk loudly with when i come back frm sch every day.

when i was bathing tt day i was so tired tt i felt like i was going to collapse. then i thought to myself how lucky i am not to have any boyfriend. cos i dont have time for one and all tt. sometimes i get this way and i feel it's good. but other times i know i'm just trying to console myself. it's not tt i'm desperate for a boyfriend. it's just really nice to have someone to love. cos i like to shower pple with lots of love and make them happy (not applicable during PMS time).

i read up on epilepsy stuff online the oither day and i figured tt i might still have it. everyone laughs when i tell them tt i got fits when i was two cos i choked on a stupid fishball. .. hahahaa. ok i guess it is quite funny when you think bout it. haha. i stil get spasmic in my sleep and get craziness seizures, but not obvious ones so i guess it isn't a problem lah. i always wonder if i could consider myself a hypochondriac. it's like i know there's somehting wrong with me (not in a bad way... just in a disorder-ly way). at first i thought it was ADHD, then i thought maybe some shizo shit. but it's just tt the epileptic fit re-wired my brain. i'm happy to believe tt.

i'm beginning to like mondays/wednesdays. cos i finish sch early and then i go to daddy's hse to sleep before heading dwn to AF for french. i'm alone in the hse and i snooze on the sofa, with only the sounds of the very audible groans of the construction outside and the music i'm blaring (and the bus chugg-a-chugging, and the noisy chirpy birds, and the neighbours' tv, and the fan).


listening to: Head Over Heels, tears for fears

this morning, to myself:
i had a sighting. i saw something i loved. something which no one else saw; or maybe everyone saw it but i was the only one who felt the way i did. so as with most sightings, pple all asked: wat is it you see? i could not answer tt question because i didn't know. and i couldn't answer tt question unless i knew wat the others didn't see. now, i've lost sight of wat i saw. but tt's ok; everything dies off anyway.





I sang you a lovesong;
my words were true.

I sing you a new song,
an elegy for you.

... maybe i know what i saw tt i loved so much: it was love. and this would just prove me right (i've deduced this before) - tt i love love [sic]; and love is what i fell in love with.


today, i wonder why i'm not already lesbian. it would all be so much simpler then. for some reason, i think tt being with a girl would be less frustrating. plus, if i was lesbian, then i'd at least have one explanation for why i covet girls so much. i look at some girls and i want to be like them and i want to have them (tsk, not bed them or wat lah. just... i duno, be close to them or something). i could probably just go out with a girl, but then tt's not the way i feel. at least i dont think so. i just want to be like them. knowing i can't makes me go green.

yesterday afternn, lepak'd for 3 hrs at sim with anaiz and andrew. i always thought anaiz was just a poser. but yesterday, i suddenly had respect for him, for the uninhibited way he asks questions. he's got humility, and i respect tt.
last night, me and julius were up till early this morn, talking cock online. then i read andrew's blog and then suddenly felt nauseous. then i had to go to sleep.