happy happy late 21st to the boyfriend. i love you so much, baby baby baby.


oh i don't like to sleep alone.

i like taking little notes. i don't know what for. i always think i'll get back to them later. even if i don't, it feels good to know tt there's something waiting for me. in less than 24 hrs, ive had 2 pple pointing out how they can never hold a conversation with me without me jumping frm topic to topic. i never realised i did tt. sometimes i skip commenting on something then come back to it later. like those little notes i take. i wonder why i do this; it's not like it makes me more organised.

:: You Belong To Me - bob dylan

{:o))))))) i suddenly feel good. this is nice, even if only for a while. i just needed reassurance from my baby. i like the way you feel and the way you make me feel.

:: Guiding Light - the veils

there is an aura of moroseness around me tt i cannot seem to escape. i cannot understand why i'm feeling so sullen and i'm harbouring a grudge against nothing and everything and it's eating me inside out. just thinking bout how angry i am makes me angrier still. i am only surprised tt despite this abject hopelessness, i haven't really had the urge to hurt myself like i always do. except once two days ago when i hit the back of my head a couple of times with the showerhead. maybe i was trying to knock myself out, i can't remember. pain is good because it tells you you're alive; so tt if you want to be alive, you can be relieved; and if you want to be dead, you know you just have to try a little harder. i really wish i wasn't feeling so miserable. believe me i'm trying so hard to pull myself out of this bog.

i don't understand myself or my emotions. i've been crying my eyes out the past two days and i'm feeling drained and emotionally jaded. i know i'm selfish in the way i love. and sometimes the things you say make me feel like i'm not good enough and tt he's gonna leave me. and it aches so bad. but then maybe i deserve it because the reason i love him is tt i love to love him and i love the way he loves me. so tt ultimately makes me self indulgent and hedonistic, doesn't it? it's not his fault i'm delusional, but i really don't like being called dramatic. i've heard that accusation before - from a guy who once loved me.


my nerves are not in good shape. i came home to an unlocked door and unlocked gate and i pushed it open and called out to mama's maid who had stayed ove rhte night before. no answer. wat if she went out and left the gate unlocked and someone entered the hse? i stood at the door and trembled as i imagined the worst. finally ahwie came out of the toilet and claimed tt she had locked the door. fucking liar, i thought to myself then went round the hse, opening every single cupboard to make sure there were no strangers hiding anywhere.

:: Ordinary Morning - sheryl crow

i cant remember the last time i cried like this. because i can't remember many things anymore. i vaguely remember being afraid of this, of hurting someone the way i know i would hate to be hurt. i've been feeling insecure and frustrated and inundated with- fuck help me.

ok, so here's the deal for the next few busy days:

Tmr (tt's thursday, ya):
work.
send mummy and uncle jeffrey to airport at 5 plus/6.
meet karin for alley bar (SHIIIIISHAAAhhhh!).
come home with zehzeh and maybe her secret date. hur hur...


Friday:
work. (leave by 1)
to NP to meet desmond and get my referral.
meet karin, durga, karol for dindin.
come home (Important!)
water plants.
wash/iron clothes
fill up hostel application properly.
don't forget the passport size pic!


Saturday:
wake up early.
water plants.
go to idp, hand in application+referral.
jalan raya!* - to nad's.
to church.
to sam-boy's hse for his 3rd bday party.
meet lidong?
come home.


Sunday:
iron/wash clothes.
water plants.
jalan raya again? - chez abang farhan and the rest of camp kampuchea.
meet lidong?
meet daddy?



*i have a feeling this will entail meeting a lot of mcm pple and having to hear bout how much weight i put on. but it's ok, cos should she get miffy, bibik cincak knows tt she can always seek solace in the assortment of kueh tart and other edible things which will undoubtedly be of comfort. yum.

:: Wild Horses - tori amos

sometimes i feel diluted. put up your hands if you feel diluted like i do. thank you.

sometimes i replay moments in my life over and over in my head. and sometimes- only sometimes- i change the endings and imagine a few variations. kind of like in the movie Sliding Doors. then sometimes i get mixed up so tt i can no longer separate the dreams from the memories frm the made-believes. is tt the wonder of life they talk about?

sometimes i dont like to say hello. because i don't want you to think the next time i see you and dont say hello tt i am being un-friendly or un-kindly. just because i've watched you grow up or know where you live or who your friends are, doesn't mean tt i would like you to know tt amount bout me or my life. i won't be surprised if you do though; but i'm just not really keen on knowing.

look, planet claire has Mùm. didn't realise this before.

:: Green Grass of a Tunnel - Mùm

it's frustrating. i feel frustrated and i have a headache. i don't know the cause of either of these and tt gives me a bigger headache and makes me feel even more frustrated.

i don't have the time and/or energy to do the things i have to do outside of work. need to submit my stupid bankdraft to book my hostle but stupid idp closes at 4pm and i finish work at 3.30. how the fuck am i spposed hand to it in then. only leaves me with thursday and saturday. i still have to buy an outfit for the two chinese-themed weddings - 27 nov and 3 dec. and shop for lidong's outfit with him. and get my christmas dress. and wax my fucking legs. and do something bout my cellulite so tt i can meet at least ONE person without having to hear for the hundred-thousandth time bout how bloated i look. and apply for my student visa. and read the books in my cupboard tt i bought on impulse but never took the time to read. and plan wat to do for lidong's 21st. and sleep. and sleep. and watch some tv. and read some newspapers. and go revise my french and my chinese. you see, if i killed myself off i would actually save an indefinite (albeit possibly immense) amount of time and effort.

:: Sand Storm Remix - daruda


so the maan says bestiality is on his mind. Cows, sheep, rams!
so i say why not set up a farm? we will breed livestock specifically for pleasure* (theirs and tt of our patrons) and i will give myself the honour of naming it: BANANA'RAM'A'RAM. of course, we've no qualms if you would like to ram watever other beasts are available.. while stocks last i.e.

* As we will abide by ISO 6969 safety standards, please note that use of protection is mandatory. Genuine sheep intestine condoms are available at our store, for those true animal lovers.

BANANA'RAM'A'RAM - "Because everyone needs a bison to depend on."