the sky had been groaning for a while but the rain only started to descend as i was putting the phone down. literally, man. i looked out the window, the phone almost touching the receiver i watched in amusement as the leaves started to quiver strangely, like in a timelapse documentary. part of the strangeness was from the fact that each leaf moved by itself, sporadically and only in sync with itself. the air was still and so the branches were still and the only movement was the leaves quivering, like... a bit like many many many medium-sized green butterflies being random the way butterflies always seem to be. i thought i had to write it down, in case i forgot.

:: How Soon Is Now - morrissey (playing in my head)

you shut your mouth
how can you say i go about things the wrong way?
i am human and i need to be loved
just like everybody else does.


it's not even 11.46 in the morning and i'm up. this seems to be the reason why the view outside my window looks a bit different today (despite the fact that the sky has been overcast all day for the past few days). smells diff too. i smell nostalgia. and the phlegm stuck at the back of my throat.

when i'm feeling good and calm like tt, i'm always afraid to change my environment for fear of losing this feeling. i just switched on the heater and even this makes me worry. why do things like tt make a difference to me?


i still haven't gotten a job. tt cheapo looking place said they'd hire me on the spot but i'm kind of unwilling to give up my time right now. guess i shouldve asked them when i first got back cos i was so much free-er then. ive not been very good to keeping within my means this sem. not tt ive been spending often. the most worth it thing ive done this sem is probably pilates. it's one of the reasons i'm not free for a job but it also makes me feel good. (oh ya, i forgot to tell you, yesterday i found my butt *wooohoo!*. at ifrst i thought it was just cos i was arching my back too mcuh btu i found tt even when i didn't arch my back, my butt stuck out, glowing with newfound perkiness. thank you, pilates instructor. sounds lame but (or.. buTT hur hur..) i was really pleased with this. esp since this makes it easier for clothes to fit nicely and i can actually sEE where my $90 went to.

MEH.

edward just informed me he's moving out next sem. i'm kind of surprised and i think a little upset too. because i feel like despite having known him for only 3 months we're like real good friends (my perception) and we get along really well. plus, alex is moving out too.

was on my way to church when i felt a surge of blood rush to my chest. the kind of feeling you get when you hear bad news and you can literally feel your heart sink. and then i felt like i was going to start sobbing uncontrollably. fuck you, mood swing, FUCK YOU. fucking period. it's so frustrating when these emotions overwhelm me cos i don't have anything to be really sad about yet i feel like crying and i don't even know why. and it really gets me down. and it's really draining. i came back, had dinner and then knocked out for almost four hours.

well i guess i have something to be upset bout now tt two of my favourite boys are moving out frm hall. maybe my heart is clairvoyant.

wat is a deictic centre?
"A deictic center is a reference point in relation to which a deictic expression is to be interpreted."

wah soooooooooo FUUUUUCKING helpful. i hate it when pple don't answer my questions. pet peeve.

i told dylan we shouldn't have sex every single day that he is here (when he is here). i cannot imagine having enough energy. and i don't want the novelty of it to wear off. plus, if we know we're gonna do it every night, then it becomes predictable and might become (oh my, pls no) a bane. dahling says agreed. now i'm excited haha. cos now i won't know which days he's gonna grab me from behind and make sweet love to me. our rd trip just got a little more exciting. hah.

i've been doing ok in my work. good grades, in fact (for french only) but i'm not confident i'll pass cos the biggies looming ahead also happen to be the toughies. bonne chance, moi. merci, j'en ai vraiment besoin.