i duno wat i should have done. i've learnt tt i shouldn't regret anything i do even if it's not good stuff. cos everything has it's place and wat's done can't be undone anyway. so i can just sit here and cry. stupid amelia.

mummy came into my rm and scolded me just now and accused me of coming between andrew and his parents (basically accused me of being an advocate to a rebel). i was thoroughly insulted tt she did not trust my judgement as to who i want to help. i told karin the other day tt i don't know if i'm helping andrew cos i love him or just cos i'm someone who refuses to let pple go un-helped.

then andrew called to say his parents want him to stay but tt he still wants to move out. i told him mummy scolded me cos she said i was getting between him and his parents. and at tt moment i really felt like tt; it was like i was becoming the bad one. then he said so how. and i said You want to move then you move lor. then he keeps quiet and refuses to answer then he puts the phone dwn on me.

so here i sit with tears still rolling dwn my face and i duno wat to do. i duno i duno i duno stupid amelia. i wish tt when i wake up, i'd be in a place where i could help pple and nothing would fuck up the way it always does. shit i cant breathe

first, i am fucking pissed with wat uncle jeffrey did to my computer - re-doing my hard disk and watnot. frm a certain date onwards, all the stuff i saved is lost. including the lyrics for recent songs i wrote and the pics karin sent me and the songs i took so long to download. FUCK.

2ndly, i just read liy's blog. she's got a real dramatic love-life. as opposed to my somewat non-existent one (unless you wanna count the crush which i'm quite sure peter has on me). glad it's going well for you, liy. love ya.
Nad msged me the other day out of the blue and asked if i was back frm france. and then we had a short sms conversation before saying our gdnites and takecares. it was really nice.
tmr me and jon are helping mash at work. hope it's fun, and i hope i get paid.

today, mummy's side of the family met up to see cheryl's wedding photos and then we all crazy lot decided to go to greenwood ave (i think tt's wat it's called) for some homemade gelato. wah shiok. i've been eating expensive ice cream (tt's not frm my own freezer) everyday since i left paris.

i used to look at rich pple (on the streets or in Tatler) scornfully and say to myself, Oh look at them rich pple. so much money, so much time; damn all of them. But then it's occured to me tt my family (mummy's side) is rich and has a lot of time. so now i'm not sure if i should hate myself. with a strong sense of taitai-ness, we live the high-life - going for high teas; visiting expensive private doctors, dermatologists, chiropractors, watevers; having big TVs and pianos, blablahblah...
aunty nako's family is probably the exception cos they're the least well off (cos she married such a bastardly loser). but we always try to make shana and hanson fit in. i guess it's like how everyone used to take me and zehzeh for cruises and expensive outings when we were shana and hanson's age. i must admit tt having financially well-off relatives who like to share did really help ease the emotional suffering (which i don't want to discuss now). and in tt way, i consider myself lucky. it's true tt money isn't evrything, but having a sufficient amt of it does make some things a bit easier. when i see a good movie or play or something, i wish everyone i knew had the means to go see it too. maybe this will be my driving force; this will make me want to work hard and earn lots. not so i can attend high teas like a lot of those socialites in the Tatler mag, but so tt i can give it all away to pple who deserve it.

i just saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. thank you so much ravi for recommending it. fucking good show, man. really good. everyone should go catch it. if you are genuinely out of dough (and have been nice to me), i would like to fund your ticket.

helping andrew move in on tuesday. i hope daddy is ok with him. i hated mummy's reaction when i told her; like as if he gonna rape me or wat. tsk please lah. and she also thinks tt all mothers are as nice as her. watever.

last night, chatted with french trip pals and we realised tt some of our pics had things in them; like cloudy images with faces, legs tt appear out of nowhere... really uncanny. then peter kacau-ed me somemore like no one's business. he asked Why do i like to disturb you so much? well, it's cos you fucking like me, you nut head. hah. the last person who flirted with me like tt eventually became my boyfriend *gasp*...
yea.. you watch out, pete boris, you.

PENSÉES À L'AVION (Thoughts on the plane)

I'm sitting on the plane on the way home. tuned to the easy-listening audio channel. i'm thinking bout how content i am this very moment. if only i could stay on the plane for ever and ever. Snow is falling on the Sahara, and my contact lenses are dancing in my eyes so that i can't see clearly wat i'm writing.

Last night and the night before, it occured to me tt if i didn't jot down things that happened during this trip, i'd probably forget all in no time.

Last night, 9 of us (not 10 cos Miao Yuan fell asleep already) crammed into Ng Qi and Clarine's rm to eat instant mee and just be fools. Laughed and talked cock then nur, jean and i, and the 3 guys retreated to our room. they went and got their pillows so they could stay over in our room. an odd experience, sleeping next to a guy (i haven't done tt since those days when i was bout 5 or 6 and zehzeh and i used to stay over at ian's hse and we all shared a big bed). but none of us 6 got up to any kinky nonsense so it was all ok (though part of me thinks maybe it was a bit of a pity since we had bought so many condoms from tt vending machine at metro station). as i write this, a cute french guy keeps walking down the aisle past my seat. right now i feel so happily stoic and i'm not shy to say i look good too (so says the reflection on my flight tv screen). damn, cropped hair is so sexy... on me. haha. peter should come here to my seat and take an artistic shot of me.

there's something bout going oveseas on school trips tt brings out the horny side of pple (though i hardly think i felt this way during the 2 previous sch trips... oh wait, those were all-girl trips...). What keeps me in check? wow... i really don't know. since a few years ago i began to lose faith in my values. what's it to me? i really dunno. Vraiment. some of me begs for promiscuity, while some of me is just totally stoic or stoned.

Rappel: while in france, i was thinking maybe i could work for JC Decaux. French + Advertising -- parfait!

i'm happy to be sitting here writing you while listening to good music and using my favourite pink pen. but i still wonder what it'd be like if i had someone (male, please) beside me; someone i could tuck into bed, someone whose tongue fits perfectly in my mouth- sheesh... i think this really proves my point on overseas trips (and it's relation to horniness). But secretly (or maybe sometimes overtly), who doesn't dream of a love, of a person who fits him or her like 2 unique pieces in a jigsaw, like the perfect answer to an enigmatic thingymajig. i know you dream of it - almost all the time. i do too.

Everything means nothing if i ain't got you.

i don't want diamond rings; i want you. you're the man i'm waiting for - this is, of course, presuming i hvaen't already met you or that you're a big fucking asshole - ah ha ha.

SIA music channels rule cos they've got The Von Bondies singing C'mon C'mon.

Jobs i might wanna take on after graduation : MRT announcer (For you own safety please...), production assistant (yes, i'm sure by now you can tell tt i'm so terribly ambitious), work at a printing shop, work at JC Decaux (or any creative or ad agency), work at a nursery (plant one or kids one also can), contract singer at hotel lounges or weddings, or a scriptwriter at a production house.

listening to: Let Her Down Easy, Terence Trent D'Arby

i'm suddenly if julius is still on bout the around-singapore trek (juli, if still on, call me ya?). i was thinking maybe when i get back home, i'll write an article or essay or something bout my stay in france and i'll try to get it published in Tribune or Hype (though i doubt merely telling pple bout it will be interesting. i guess it depends on me and my ability to wrtie then).
you know how some UrbanWire writers get spotted online by international magazines and are subsequently offered writing jobs? i wonder if anyone would offer me a job when they read my blog. hmm.

Gona go toilet then try to get some sleep; still have bout six hours to go.

19 07 (à Paris)

i'm still waiting for my period. la dee dah. packed all but i'm still sick. 'Tis the Curse of the Recurring Throat Infection. i feel awful and irritated. i don't want to get my period in france and be sick at the same time. tt'll just totally suck. i hope they'll let me on the plane.

You Should Date A Swede! You're a romantic, albeit an understated and practical one. It's more about a steady partnership for you, not unrestrained falling Your Swede will give you the unwavering love you crave While making up some mean pancakes and meatballs on the side! Which Foreign Guy Should You Date? Take This Quiz :-)

damn... wrong country. nvm, i'm sure France has some swedes too, yes?
bon voyage, Amélie. will you miss me just this once?

i love the feeling i get when i walk about by myself and no one bothers me and i don't feel like i have to call to tell someone where i am.
today's pre-trip briefing/orientation was cancelled (i didn't tell mummy cos she'd ask me to come home early) so i woke up at 11.30 at daddy's hse and toasted apple-cinnamon waffles for myself.
i was wondering bout my dream: i was roaming up and down the stairs of a HDB block when i spotted a skinny mat in a flat with the louvres left open. he lay facedown on a massage bed and while a plump middle-aged lady kneaded his back with her oily fingers. an erotic scene frm Makcik Minyak perhaps? anyway, i noticed i wasn't the only voyeur. there was another goodlooking blondish mat watching frm another staircase landing. we spotted each other then continued roaming. i later bumped into him at another ladning. he said hi real friendly and then took my hand and spoke to me in melayu. but i was in one of those stoned moods where my ability to understand malay, chinese and french (basically anyhthng but english) floats away frm me [jon would know this very well, yes?]. suddenly i was in joo chiat with a whole bunch of minahs and mats all speaking to me in malay. haha sialah! so weird, my dream. [reminder: buy OAG cd with Aku Statik in it]

i wondered this morning if i should take mrt home or take a few buses to nowhere before heading home. i decided on mrt cos i didn't top up my unlimited ezlink pass.
it felt great to sit in tt train, reading leisurely, knowing tt i could go anyway and for a few hours, no one would worry where i was cos they all think i'm in sch. i ate at burger king tampines and recalled the last time i sat there by myself eating(it was the turkish burger) and listening to my thoughts. i wondered why pple felt lonely when they were by themselves. i thought to myself right then tt if i had someone sitting and eating with me, it probably wouldn't be so enjoyable.

last night, i sat in front of the tv with daddy. he was studying the pri3 chinese txtbk, while i was smsing andrew. i asked daddy if he'd like to rent the newly-built utilities rm to andrew but he said the lady who helped design his kitchen had no place to work cos she had some debts to clear so he'd lend her the rm. then he said andrew could loan my rm since i hardly use it. it was funny in an odd way; i was asking daddy bout his 'friend' and he was asking bout mine. and neither of us would reveal much bout our 'friends'. haha. and it was cute and at the same time touching because suddenly, i felt a connection with daddy - that we both had many many things we don't want to tell each other and yet underneath tt, so many things we want to tell. finally, we had something in common aside frm bouts of occasional depression.

Party Primate

went clubbing yesterday for the first time - Cheeky Monkeys at Mohammad Sultan. zehzeh wanted to go so she asked me along. after church, came home to change and then took cab to suntec to meet karin, michelle and ben. then cab to mohammad sultan to meet zehzeh and shanglin.

when we first got there, i thought it was gonna be damn boring cos the dance floor wasn't crowded the way i like it. but then the crowd started coming in and it got better. and i saw beda bhai, for the first time since more than a year ago. he's the ogirinal Balraj George Makkal Maan (you know him... he sang tt 80s hit Gheedom)hahahah.

quite funny cos one of the first pple i saw on the dance floor were these 2 angmoh fellas in light blue soccer jerseys. and one of them looked so much like stuart, from facial features right down to holding the jug of beer haha. i accidentally bumped into him and then he tried to pick michelle up. then there was this middle-aged angmoh couple constantly making out in a corner. it grossed me out then but in retrospect, it looked like a scene out of a melancholic art film; so it is actually quite sweet - in a doleful way.
saw some pple i knew (some not personally though) - rishi frm mcm yr3, nicole mok, vanessa toh, norizan, chermaine, eileen, florence blablah. norizan was sick in the toilet so i gave her tictac cos she looked quite poorthing.

quite fun lah, yesterday. michelle and ben left earlier though. danced and drank (orange juice and water for me haha) and danced and drank somemore. zehzeh was quite amazed at my stamina. i told her tt i always dance like tt in my rm when no one's at home. but by 2 plus, all the grooving and gyrating were making my knees ache more than ever and i was having a bit of gastric, so karin and i crossed to 7-eleven to get me some frozen pizza and peelfresh. sat by the rd and ate then went in and sat with balraj till we left at bout 3.

if i make this a weekly habit, i'd probably get back nice firm abs in not long. but the first thing to go would probably be my knees, then my voice, then my hearing. hah, but for now, i'll not think of tt. lucky i wore wat i wore (sheer lilac top aunty grace passed to me, jeans, and my birkens); it's always important to dress comfortable to have fun.

in church, denise said not to talk bout clubbing in front of her cos she doesnt have a fake pass and can't get in. but i wouldn't advise her to go clubbing now. i mean, sure i had fun last night but i'm so glad i didn't grow up before i did and i don't think she should be so eager to be all grown up or feel all grown up. cos there're some things you lose when you 'grow up' that you may never be able to feel again (and no, i don't mean your maidenhead).

i was in church since 8.30 yesterday morning to sing for 2 weddings. i have decided tt i will wear an off-white umpire-cut dress for my wedding. cos it's nice and hippie and it will hide my 6 mth swollen belly. my flower girl will be my daughter Rainbow Angst and the pageboy will be my son Dandy Ellis. haha so fun. oh yea, yesterday during mass, the altarboys were distributing roses to all the mothers and one small altarboy attempted to give me one. hah wat the hell. i didn't take it of course, but i will be able to when i'm pregnant with Rainbow (or Dandy; whoever comes first). eh i just thought of something: if i make Rainbow's chinese name yue-liang (moon), it'll have like a double meaning. haha wah cool, man. ok, so it's decided ok - Rainbow Angst [insert surname here] Yue Liang. so exciting! hurhur...



listening to: Drive, Ziggy Marley

i woke up more than an hour ago, perplexed. i had had the sweetest dream ever. i remember asking myself a long time ago if sweet dreams existed cos i've never had one.

i can't recall the first part, but at one time, i met you outside a large museum and you were holding a two white plastic bags with tupperwares filled with an orange soupy thing and a large ladle. you had made the best pork rib stew, you said. your mum said it looked and tasted as good as the one on the 11 o'clock weekday morning cooking show. i said i had to try it then. so i did, and it was really good. so we walked into the museum and after a while, i lost you in the crowd. i got a bit down cos i was left alone but i took the many flights of escalators down to the real entrance anyway. after what seemed liked ages, i was finally standing at the gantry where this woman was tearing tickets to let pple in. she was fretting cos she couldn't get the serial numbers right, so i thought i'd spare her the extra work and tore a ticket for myself. but then i accidentally tore 2. i was gonna lose my cool when you turned up behind me, like as if you had always intended to come at tt time.
past the gantry, there were more escalators just going down, down, down. i would've wondered where they all led to, but i was too busy enjoying my time with you. when you weren't looking, i took a step higher on the escalator and gave you a peck on the cheek. naturally, you turned round, shocked. i stuttered a lame explanation bout how i had to stand a step higher so it was easier to kiss you. the blank look on your face scared me because your unpredictability always does tt to me. i guess i was expecting a reprimandation followed by an awkward silence. instead, you smiled and said, Two words: i am the happiest man now. i would've told you tt tt sentence was 6 words, but then you put your lips on mine and we started to make out on the escalator.

[i know this sudden twist almost turns my dream into a cheesy chapter out of a mills&boons bk, but fortunately for me (and everyone else reading this), it didn't.]

at the bottom of the escalator there was a garden terrace tt overlooked a beach. it was raining outside and everyone (there were a lot of angmoh tourists) was crowding under the shelter. but we decided it'd be romantic to walk out in the rain (together with our two plastic bags of stew). i was suddenly aware tt i was wearing my u.c.o.b. jumper and my sister's puma cap. the rain trampled on the beach and made the sea look threatening and grey so we held on to each other and i turned at a funny angle to kiss you again. you kissed me back, though it made you uneasy to know tt there were pple watching.

after a while, we retreated to the shelter and a little further inside the building, to where there were pple sitting at small round tables and eating daintily. you pointed out an angmoh couple and told me they looked like the perfect example of a pair of PMEBs. i said where? oh tt one. you went on to explain what PMEBs were but i told you i already knew; i learnt it all in advertising.

the sound of the forks and knives clanging against the ceramic plates became louder in the background. i tried to ignore the sound, but eventually i woke up to find my parents eating nasi lemak with utensils. i was almost wide awake but images and sounds from the dream were imprinted in my head so clearly. i felt so strangely good inside; i wonder if it showed on my face.

ah hahaha i finally wrote a song! and a nice one at tt! woohoo yea!

so it is a bit cheesy, but not as lame as the previous ones (No Title Lah and Escape Express). however, i do find it a bit odd tt i'm not really relating to words the song at the moment. i was playing round with chords then i came up with a nice arrangement and then looked into Quentyn's Collection of Literary Works for words to suit the melody... and voila! ah-haha!

listening to: Stupid in Love, La Ultimato Cacato (me lah. ah-haha)

i think i wrote the words when i was liking(...loving?) stuart.
karin, we gotta go your hse and record this asap; thursday after advertising paper ok? yea. hah.

been talking a lot to michelle chan online cos i'm slowly gonna turn her into a latenitenet junkie like myself heh.
EH! i just realised - my blogsy-blog is a whole year old! wah shiok so old sia.

yester-dey:
whenever i see wynne sandosham, i think of stuart then i don't quite know how to feel. i met jing after church to watch 50 First Dates at PS. good show. i'm so glad jing suggested going out to catch a movie. this is the first movie i can remember having so much fun at. thanks, jing.
then we took a bus to wheelock to kacau andrew cos i felt so sorry for him having to work the whole of labour day. got ripped off $4.50 for an undersized piece of princess cake before going to borders to look for andrew. Mojo mag and a book aptly titled ESCAPE FROM FILM SCHOOL ...hmm. i'm not sure wat gives me the impression tt seeing my face would make someone happy. hah. (i am a thickskinned twiddlehead.)

mama is lying on my bed talking to me now so i can't blog properly
... ok now she's outside watching Kill Bill vol.1.

"Take more fruits to avoid indigestion"
this is the kind of crap you get if you wait a whole week to open an expired fortune cookie in anticipation of some big surprise reading.

i read off andrew's blog tt he's moving out to live on his own. i guess it was coming - he never liked his parents much (if at all). moving to pasir ris? tt's pretty near here. after i read the post, i thought of an idea: andrew could stay at daddy's house and pay him some rent (not usual rate though, cos andrew's my friend and i'm a brat). commonwealth is near school and close to town too. and daddy always appreciates some extra dough. hmm. i don't think andrew will be too keen though. duno lah. watever.

i'm feeling pretty awkward right now. finally had medresh paper today and i duno how i'll fare. i don't give a shit, as long as i pass. if there's one thing i've learnt in the past 2 years, it's not to worry bout things tt can't be helped anymore. maybe the awkward feeling comes from the lutut sakit or the new cetaphil moisturiser tt i just smeared all over myself. or it could be pms. it also might be frm reading andrew's blog. sometimes i feel a bit weird like tt.

i saw Blueprints just now on channel 5. i liked this weeks one. script was not too bad, story quite original, the acting was not bad too. i like the lead actor, alaric tay; he doesn't do phony accents and he carried the role well.

followed ravi to pierce his ears today. with vick, clement, durga. lately i find myself getting annoyed with karol. somehow our differences in the way we think have suddenly become more apparent of late.

i'm still feeling weird. is it time to visit the chiropractor again?


on play: Do You Remember, Phil Collins


while at the mart, i bumped into the psycho neighbour lady frm the 3rd floor; the one who likes to scream at her kids. she borrowed money frm me at guardian pharmacy and according to the cashier, she always borrows frm pple and doesn't return. i lent her cos i'm always getting cheated and ripped off and unduly empathetic (and thus conned) anyway, so i figured one more time wouldn't make a diff. then in order to be friendly and neigbourly, i walked with her all the way back to our block. she asked me wat i was gona do after i'm done with poly. study more? no, i said without blinking.

now, in my extremely awkward mood, i begin to ponder this point. and right now, i cannot imagine myself realistically after i graduate (though it is true tt my life always seems like some surrealistic motion art).