"COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"

i don't get why pple can't just say merry belated christmas or something like tt. or at least come up with a short form for cccooommmppllimmeeeennttss oooffff ttthhhee seeeaaaasssooonn. see how long tt is? and it doesnt help tt i try and say it quickly everytime i meet another relative.

i'm gonna make my parents switch to skype. they insisted i add them on msn and then tecah them how to use it so they can talk to me in perth next time. and then yesterday mummy demanded to know "what's the meaning of this", this meaning my msn nickname. "what is meringue? hah? and what is this we are lovers?!"

tsk. meringue is lemon meringue pie and the rest are lyrics to a song i lke right now, maaaah...

of course it's also true tt my bf and i are lovers in our own rights, but mummy doesn't need to know tt of course. (protection is important, kids! hur hur)

finally got the christmas pageant over and done with. we ran into a shitload of glitches and other trippy stuff which is a bit annoying cos we practised so much. i also felt i sang better during the practices. microphones make me sound un-nice.

came across this while at work yesterday. haha so soo wicked.

had a really bad dream last night. good friend was over in my kitchen and i saw sores on her back and she looked uncomfortable. so i said wats tt and she cried and told me the doctors said she had blood lymphoma. i've never heard of blood lymphoma so i looked it up online. haven't found it yet but it sounds serious enough. i hope good friend does not really have watever disease it is. please, no.

i think i am slightly dyslexic. like when someone asks me type or write something with a letter a, i always type 4 and vice versa. and it'd not a typo error. when i'm thinking of number 6, i type out an S. sometimes i write P when i mean 9. maybe it's just the way my brain stores stuff. sometimes when i number things, and then i get distracted, my brain goes backwards and i start writing the remaining numbers in descending order. i think this is why it takes me so much effort to organise myself or do things like pack my room.

it's painfully quiet.



for the past 3 days, a bad spell. before tt, a not-bad spell which i can barely recall.

tonight as we stood at the dark alley at rowell rd, i glanced to my left and saw an ahpek-driven trishaw nonchalantly peddling a plumpish indian lady past us, dwn the lane perpendicular to the pathway on which we stood. quaint, i thought. 10 minutes later, as when we were making our way up tt lane, i spotted the same pair peddling towards and right past us on the right, in the exact same direction they came frm, their expressions as blasé as before. and so the night is as uncanny as the uneasiness that plagues me.

nanny's death anniversary yesterday left me disconcerted for reasons i don't think the other family members could fathom. so i spent most of my time looking stoned and watching clive in between. i don't like feeling left out and i don't like being ignored and i don't like having to keep quiet just because i have nothing refreshing to say. there was a time when i thought i'd never know what it feels like to experience disesteem. well, i guess now i have little reason to feel left out in this aspect.

i don't understand why sometimes operations in my head slow down to a chug---a-----chugg------ rate. i imagine it'd be something like a train tt just pulls up into a station but never really comes to a stop. the inertia festers and dissolves into a nagging air of malaise.

do you wonder what you will tell your children? i will tell them stories of pple i know whose lives are an epitome of drama (because as a youth, mummy was a little common in my actions, i would say).

i need these demons to go away.

i hate myself and i feel fat and ugly. i don't always feel like tt. just sometimes. it's not nice. you know how much i hate my face? i just realised i look like a fucking pig when i smile, did you know.

when lidong finishes his new course at changi, i'll be packing off to perth. if im in a crappy mood like i am now while i'm stuck in perth, i wonder wat i'll resort to. it'll be lonely without my baby. fucking period. fukcing face. how did i get like this.


yesterday they changed the venue for mummy's bday dinner and no one told me. went to novena and everyone else went to east coast lagoon. but God made me go there cos i had to help an old woman jay walk. she asked me if i wanted to eat with her but i said sorry i had dinner planned. maybe i shouldve walked back and ate with her after i found out curryleaf was closed and they were all at east coast. maybe i don't have to like myself. i dont think the pple i help really care bout how i look like. but somehow tt doesnt make me feel better. you know how some pple just have tt kind of face tt pple think is pretty? when they breakout or dress like crap, somehow pple still think they look good. i feel foolish for being so impertinent and so jealous and superficial. but i cant make this feeling go away. isnt tt the worst thing bout a high? the only way is back down or lower.

:: First of the Gang - morrissey

lately i've been falling to pieces. i'm tetchy, volatile, and more forgetful than usual. and i'm not even bothering to stop being any of these. i'm not one of those girls who blame everything on pms, but when i start feeling out of myself i can't help but think it might be pms. plus, my period is late so i guess for the past 3 weeks, my fucking hormones have nowhere to go except my brain, where they will sit in the little crannies where the screws used to be and start doing the dikir barat or discoursing how self obsessed i am.

-but who said love isn't selfish? ok so they did say tt in the bible and i've heard it at the countless weddings i've sung for, but if you entertain tt tingly feeling of yours and subsequently fall into the most beautiful mush of emotions tt you never want to abandon, doesn't tt make you humanly indulgent and ultimately a little self-ish? i loved once with all my foolish little heart could offer but then i learnt to become harder and more self-ish and i'm trying to find the right balance so tt i will love with all i can without being stupefied too often for my own good. this, so tt i will not love you because i am foolish, but rather because i want what i think's good for me. and for you.