i found job. i mean, i have a job now. i'm afraid the good feeling won't last long cos it's always been like that for me. everytime i think something's gonna be good, it turns out to be a disappointment and maybe tt's why i stop expecting. i don't quite trust my instincts anymore. wait, but the point now is tt i have a job now nd it feels good now.

:: She's So Strange - travis

she's so cool and she knew just what to do. good for her then.

mummy woke me up this morning and stood in at the foot of my bed bombarding me with questions bout my uni applications yesterday even before my mind or body had the chance to go oh look im awake. i don't like being woken up and i don't like being bombarded with questions tt require long, mundane answers. i hate it when i'm angry but don't have the time- to lay in bed to sulk and sleep so i can wake up in a better mood- because i have to go for an interview for a job i haven't a clue about in a company i know jackshit bout. now, i shouldn't be so vulgar. after all, i did get the job and tt was the ultimate target wasn't it? oh no wait, the ultimate aim is to enjoy myself an get money out of tt. ok, but it's just tt i felt so angry i had to hurt myself just now and i did and it was frustrating how i had restrain myself and consciously reserve some lucidity for the interview.

i was very happy to find tt 162 stops just at apex tower, tanjong pagar (where i'm gonna be working) because i can take tt bus to lidong's hse. it also delighted me tt it took only 10 mins to get to town frm the office. yay. stopped at far east plaza to treat myself to my favourite wasabe-tei but suddenly remembered i only had 7$. so i went to level one and found Chippy, which sold brit beer battered fish and chips at only 4.45. tt, with a drink, came up to less than 6. what gave it extra kick was the good music they were playing. i sat on a chair stacked on another, reading a fish and chip article cut out frm IS mag, pasted on an orange woodgrained wall, feasting on cheap good filling food, thinking bout how i will soon have something to do and money to spend. all this, and the orgasmic sound of freddie mercury's vocals pumping out of the black box overhead, made for a very contented amelia.

i like it when pple are nice. like the nice cleaner auntie with gold canines whom i met in the lift just now.


:: Up All Night (Frankie Miller Goes To Hollywood) - counting crows

i'm afraid mummy will catch me up at this hour. i'm glad she hasn't caught us in my room yet. but right now it's just me.

should i start with yesterday's surprise or bout granny first?

last night me and lidong dropped by daddy's place and he wasn't in. he came back in a while and caught us alone in his flat but i caught him with auntie jessie. later as i walked to commonwealth mrt, i realised that it would've been more fun to discover that daddy was gay. i mean, the man-woman love affair thing is so 1980s. but, whatever floats his boat..
oh ya but my point was daddy and his friend catching me with my friend. but i win this one, dad; at least i told you i have a boyfriend. no hard feelings.

i don't enjoy the slightly smoother relationship zeh zeh and daddy have. me and daddy are cautious of each other and we have a boulder of unsaid things between us. we know what's going on the other side but we just don't need or don't want to take the effort to look.

i am (or was) the angrier child, embittered by how good manners just wasn't enough to make us a Happy Family. now i'm just a bit bratty but secretly amused more than anything else. some families drink afternoon tea while others are extended beyond imagination via remarriages and extensive affairs. see, no biggie. i wonder if i'll end up raising my kids to believe that their ancestors were a conventional lot. or maybe monogamous relationships would be so obscure by then tt i'd have to explain why foxes are so conservative (which i reckon i won't be able to do). today i reconsidered having kids; period cramps tend to do that to me.

i'll leave the story bout granny for another day. i still have to sleep and then wake up and then make some calls to find me a job. c'mon amelia, we can do this. i'm hungry.

Running into you like this without warning
Is like catching a sniff of tequila in the morning
But I'll try, I'll try to keep my food down
That's quite an aftertaste that you've left
Now that you're not around

You can just pretend we're not in the same room
Well, alright, I'll just mosey to the bathroom
You flew by like a summer vacation
And you left me with TV-movies and a messy kitchen

I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile
but until then I'll stay in and sleep late,
excuse me

I'll buy a fast car, I'll drive fast from here
There's a beach I haven't seen since last year
It's far, but I like night drives
It just makes it nicer when I do arrive

I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile
but until then I'll stay in and sleep late,
excuse me

Aren't you going to miss me?
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?

Well, you can bet that I'll forget how it was then
All the drives to your farm for the weekend
But I've seen the swimsuit magazines
And I've smelled tequila the first thing in the morning

I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile
but until then I'll stay in and sleep late,
excuse me

Aren't you going to miss me?
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?
You are years away from me
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?
One thing to me anymore

:: I Think I'll Disappear Now - crash test dummies


i still remember clearly where i first saw the words to this song. i was blog surfing and came across the lyrics liyana's blog (i didn't know her personally then).


i'm usually afraid of myself more than anything else. i don't trust myself but i would like people to trust me on most things, or at least pretend they do.

tuesday, i found myself alone at burger king again. i didn't feel like eating burgers but i'm glad i went in and sat where i sat. i looked up frm my meal smiled to myself when i realised that some of the walls had van gogh paintings hung up on them. i didn't recognise any of them but i knew they were van gogh's and i took out mr.mindthegap and wrote this quickly down cos i wanted to keep the happy moment and tell it to you today as opposed to tomorrow or next year.

i'm glad maan is back frm london. was just lamenting to him tt i miss being sad. "-thats the thing with manic depressives isnt it, they like being sad", he said. ok i didn't know tt. i used to do lots of research on depression cos i often found myself feeling morose for no reason. and on days i wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, i'd be missing the depression. then i 'realised' earlier this year that maybe i was just having recurring symptoms of my epilepsy. if anyone has read this, by now they'd probably be thinking how full of shit i am. it's ok, i think that too sometimes.

see this. just a funny. ok.

i thought tt having a boyfriend again would bring me closer to God because i would suddenly become happy and increasingly grateful to God and pray lots in church. but i think i've become even more disinterested. i fear the devil has me now. and it scares me how i am only mildly worried. i'm also worried i will get bored of eleanor rigby, like many others before her. and i haven't even reached the part where i find out who eleanor rigby is. i don't trust myself, tu comprends?

i wish it wasn't this complicated but then i like a challenge, don't i? well ok but if anyone's gonna be hurt, i want to it to be me. is hurting myself hedonistic if i'm a masochist?

i wonder what i was thinking of today. i should have written it down. you know, seriously, i tell you, i have lots of interesting thoughts in my head that i want to write for you but by the end of the day they run off and bury themselves somewhere in my mind which is your mind which is my mind and i cannot find them. then sometimes random things pop into my head - thoughts from yesterday, the day before the year before blablah. so gimme bout one day to a few yrs and maybe i'll get back to you on my profound thoughts of today.

:: Bittersweet - fuel

at 14:16 today, the balance in my savings account stood at $666.66 .
i am a lot closer to hell than i think. HOT.

at 03:33:22 on 16 may monday, i received an sms from a good friend who had just had an epiphany of sorts. i felt secretly honoured to be told what he had to say and i was happy for him. on the other hand, i couldn't help being disappointed that i wasn't the one who triggered it all but i figured i probabaly couldn't have articulated in a way that would have made him willing to accept it. and then i wondered how it'd change him or everything, if anything. but then i chided myself a bit; who says anyone's self discovery is gonna directly benefit you, huh?


:: Belaian Jiwa - innuendo

it has been made known to me tt daddy does indeed earn more than 8k a mth. so now i won't feel bad applying for uwa. i get to be with karol since she's doing an arts course too (this is provided the both of us get in, ya).

i forgot to mention to you tt i smoked shisha at jb the other day. we went to singgha selalu at danga bay and ate and smoked and smoked and smoked. and than i asked farhana if cigarettes felt the same. no, shisha was better. but then isn't life too short for reservations? anyhow, the honeydew was better than strawberry. yum. we are going to attack the pipe at farhana's hse next.

i have absolutely no confidence in the abilities and skills i do not know i have. well.. i sing and i'm good with jigsaw puzzles. any ideas for a job? oh and i also happen to be pretty adept with puns. so i was walking at the mart and i saw kfc had vacancies. i'm sure there's room for one more chicken.

:: Ava Adore - smashing pumpkins

bout a week ago, i was sitting at my computer ruminating (and stoning in between thoughts) and i felt like my hand was touching my hand (it wasn't). i looked at my fingers as the curious sensation spread through my hands. i could feel one of my hands curling round the other but a quick look at my hands told me huh, where got?
i looked up and stared blankly into my screen, like as if tt was supposed to explain the phenomenon. i wonder if anyone's ever felt like tt before and why no one's ever mentioned anything.

wat liy said bout the small things and the big things; i wonder which is more important, to me at least.

last night i ran in the rain with karin. ow ow ow haha i giggled as the fat drops impinged on my bare shoulders. tt felt good. bom bom bom the skies boomed. imagine tt every flash of lightning you see is the flash of a camera. then maybe when i get to heaven- assuming i make it there- there will be a giganganormous cork board with everyone's pictures pinned up with those oldschool pins tt come only in primary colours. i imagine tt whoever took them might have captured a few of my infamous lookatmeimaspaz expressions.

:: Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - u2

i have a penchant for things that i did not pay the full cost for. i'm not sure, but i think cost here only applies to monetary cost. so anyways, i love pirated music. hur. hur. i love apparel on sale- no wait, i love anything on 'sale'. i fear myself sometimes. i fear i will become so inane and my existence will be undue, just like the existence of so many woozed out pple (look ma, no meaning!). but i didn't say this because i'm feeling paticularly bitchy. it's just tt my self-consciousness and -love happened to peak at tt second. yes, tt's all. goodbye again, now.

:: All You Want - dido

:: Auf Achse - franz ferdinand

at my baby's hse now. was lying on the hammock on the balcony and staring into the clear azure and feeling like i wanted to be in cambodia.

bought Eleanor Rigby at borders yesterday. also met up with karin for dinner and i'm glad i did. sometimes you don't realise how much you miss a person till you see them again. how paradoxical. caught the 9.30 Bonjour Monsieur Schlomi at cine. cute show. i dind't even go online last night cos i was too fucking worn so i did what i don't do ever so often - lie on my bed and read a good book. imbibe imbibed till my droopy eyes gave up.

cheekys was such a bore tt day. i felt crappy even on the way there. on the mrt, i looked round and watched pple and i saw how no one else looked like they were going to club and i asked myself why am i even doing this (clubbing)? i didn't know the answer and there are two things i do (of which i am aware) when i don't know the answer to my own question; one is look for the answer, two is ignore myself.

i haven't told you: tt last friday, i was too busy with the bf to know of dr wee kim wee's funeral. the following day's realisation made me feel a bit sad. i read the papers (i did! i did!) bout the procession and some bout the man- not all of it, just some- and i felt a sadness seep frm behind my wall of swaku-ness and apathy. i wanted to have known the man. so maybe i could say "you know, he was such a good man. he was so good." but i guess there's no chance of that. ah crap, i say now. but it was longing i had when i read his granddaughter's eulogy and the drops of water tt pushed their way out the sides of my eyes. i had successfully but unwittingly recreated for myself the (belated) sense of solemnity i figured i missed out on the day before-
baby, stop distracting me.. ok thanks.

i say don't you know you say you don't know i say take me out.
i say you don't show don't move time is slow i say take me out.


we went to jb on tues, me and my kampuchea gang. i took great pride in the fact tt i was making my first trip to jb via public transport and without family.
there's something terribly dreary i find bout the place. so so slow and so sad. it wasn't even a nice, peaceful kind of slow. just a sluggishness tt osmosed itself through my thick munjen skin and made me feel lethargic and empty. and i don't think it's just me being an unsatiable singaporean. oh well, bought one shirt so at least i don't feel so empty. c'mon kids, let's say it together: r-e-t-a-i-l-t-h-e-r-a-p-y. thank you, tt was great.

tonight is my chance to get back all the rice tt lidong has consumed at my hse. ah-haha! ohh-hoohoo!

i think i'm spposed to be asleep now. my body is aching but my stomach feels less queasy and i don't feel like i got the sprints anymore. been reading up on malaria symptoms and i'm a bit worried i might have it.

sometimes i think tt i'm too far ahead for my own good. i unwittingly imagine sad scenarios tt have never occured but which i think will occur in the future. then all at once i begin to feel sad. this strange sadness is usually facilitated by aural accompaniment.

i remember having a good cry in cambodia. i'd called karin for my results and found out tt zeh zeh had smsed some of my friends saying tt i miss them. you'd think it was a harmless msg but it got me worrying cos i wasn't missing anyone and i certainly didn't want anybody to think otherwise. i sat at the dining table of our wooden hse, lamenting my apparent heartlessness. julius' attempts to console me only made me feel worse and worse till i looked down and muttered, "oh no i think i'm gonna cry". and i did. and i couldn't recall the last time i'd felt tt sad. "fuck you julius" i said and then i laughed at a comment someone made. and dowell asked me to decide if i wanted to cry or laugh. "why does it have to be black or white?" i shot back. "why can't it be grey?" i absolutely refuse to compromise my ambivalent insanity for the comfort of a tactless metrosexual. boo hoo.


:: Some Other Time - yoko kanno


why am i not asleep yet. i had a six-hr nap in the aftnn. tmr, to lidong's place to mess up his room.

did you know i had a fried tarantula?

i'm back frm cambodia (since labour day) and feeling a little under the weather (and i'm hoping these two statements aren't related; see symptoms of malaria).

after drinking some smooth angkor beer and anchor beer in kampuchea, i decided to be a yaya head and try a very tasty-sounding strawberry beer at brewerkz last night. after half an hr, i was redder than Banlung dust and feeling hotter than a day out in Banlung sun and i finally puked at tampines interchange. puke aside, i'm extremely grateful for my sweet sweet boooyyyyfriend. hah. i stretched the word for fun. (it's the diarrhoea, i swear! the shit's getting to my head!) hur hur. i love you, lidong.


cambodia was woah and it was ugh and it was yea. banlung was lovely but siem reap sucked big time, as did phnom penh. after banlung, i was programmed to country bumpkin mode and the mildly metropolitan touristy ambience (and prices) of the two cities made me feel threatened and irritable. in siem reap, i payed 20 USD to go to Angkor Wat for an hour and then sat in the guest hse the whole day to alternate between watching tv, doing my laundry, sleeping on the balcony. given my mood, these seemed way more interesting than revelling in historical glory and guano.

for some reason, when pple ask bout the trip, the transport comes to mind first. i really enjoyed the pick up rides (save for having to sit next to alvin, havingg my head knocked on the window more than 30 times, and baking in the sun).

we went there to help document the indigenous pple's traditions and culture in banlung but we found out later frm the IYDP (international youth development programme, i think) tt they only wanted us to help re-print and translate what they already have written in books. but it turned out to be better than we thought lah, wat with farhana meeting her boyfriend and dowell getting acquainted with the pharmacist's daughter. i got burnt on the leg when i got off the motor in my sarong. then my wound started bubbling and i christened it Bubbles. i'm not in the mood to type now cos i'm suddenly feeling feverish and i'm suddenly aware tt i've taken centuries to finish this post (10.34pm now). blurgh. pictures later, ya. orkoon, and i love you.