You are an introvert. You are shy about expressing
your opinions and you probably don't think that
many people know the real you. But your friends
enjoy your company. You are probably very
modest. In fact I'd say your modesty is
probably the reason many people like you. You
probably have insecurities. If you do have
insecurities they are probably misplaced.


What's your personality?
brought to you by Quizilla


Which [Movie Genres] are you?

you know how sometimes, you want to know something so much, but then again you don't cos you're afraid th answer won't be in your favour. or maybe i'm afraid that if the answer is in my favour, then wat? - wat's it gonna prove? wat next?

i don't want to know. or do i? ambivalence yet again?
i guess one example would be my decision not ot get my iq tested again. for quite sometime, i've been wanting to go take a test (not those crappy online ones, i mean like at SGH kindof test). my mother brought me to morris allen centre and SGH to get my iq tested twice. 135, 143 respectively. ok, good for me. i wnat to know how i measure up now; but then again i don't cos i know that if i know i'm not as intelligent, it won't be so good for me. something in my gut says i'm slightly dumber now. but at least my gut isn't certified to judge.

last night i dreamt uncle jeffrey was gona kill me (literally) cos i broke my curfew. then i woke up ironically high. i love vintage sundays (gold 90fm for those who don't know). and something bout the coolness in the air stirred the pent up energy in me. danced, folded underwear, danced somemore. living the moment cos deep inside i know they're few and far between...

many pple seem to question the use of a blog. lots of pple write wat they do and stuff. but i started mine cos i guess i secretly wish that, after i die, someone will read my diary and realise why i was the way i was, why i did the things i did and why i said the things i said. and then they will realise that they never really knew me.
there's gratification in the thought of pple being enlightened; like the way sometimes you play hide-and-seek, and everyone can't find you. but after all these yrs, i thought that maybe i should give pple a chance to know wat's on my mind. cos there's usually a lot i want to say but don't. writing this blog has helped alleviate my internal conflict.
you'll never know someone till you let yourself live their life. - that's what i believe. amen

i'm still thinking: do i want to know?

lamp posts. along the road. they catch my attention. it's as though the pattern they make, their intensity, is calling out. after mervyn dropped isaac, i saw a lit lamp suddenly go out. only i noticed; but to me it seemed to significant. maybe i should try to stop searching for meanings and live life normal. oh i can't help it can i?

i wish i could be there for a friend when they need someone. i feel so inadequate when i know that they've made a conscious effort not to confide in me. but i don't know that, do i? how presumptious you are, amelia. presuming that you don't know. er... like huh?

i'll know when the right one comes won't i? or will i just keep shunning till i'm old and haggard and sick of this game? i'm refusing to look, i'm gonna sit on my fLat butt till someone comes looking for me and charms the crap out of me. *scoffs* hah! {:oP
after the first experience, i thought i'd only have a soft spot for intellectual slacks. wasn't till lately that i realised that what i really appreciate is someone who sees things differently from me and shows me the world in a way that fills me with wonder.
wow... i feel so enlightened.. wooo.... i think i'm floating.

wanted to leave you a block quote. flipped thru em books of mine and i couldn't remember which parts i liked.
was it the words that i liked or the feelings those words had stirred in me?

i want school to start soon.
i'm anxious to see wat the new sem has to offer me, in terms of... everything. it seems so far away - from now till then, i'm gonna make kaya, have my room painted, pack my wardrobe, eat at sakae, watch a few movies, attend aunty june's b'day thing, et cetera, et cetera. i have to get thru all of tt, even before i step into np again. so get my pt when i say far away?
it's not so much the time factor tt makes it far, but more of the stuff tt's in between.

last night, my comp logged off on me. (like huh?) Anyway, then i thought i'd put my thoughts down in my diary, only to find tt it only had one blank page left and i hadn't bought another bk cos i'd been using my blog instead. this whole lack of somewhere to put my thoughts caused a wave of panic in me. so i said it's ok, relax...i'll just draw my feelings. then, i looked and looked for my sketchbk- to no avail (i must've left it in my locker in sch). i realised i couldn't even recall what my sketchbk looks like.
how do you look for something you don't know? it all occured to me then that i had lost touch with my habits. with myself.

how could i be searching for something - or someone - i don't know, can't recall?

if love is blind - tiffany
where do you go - no mercy
99 red balloons - nena
innuendo - queen
promise me - beverly craven

...and i say
indeed, it is good.

serve me chilled in the morning cos i felt so cool tonight. stoned with my classics. play on, play on...

tmr, i have a wedding to sing for at 12. i'm so sick of this routine.
i don't want to keep doing something i don't believe in. i wish i could just stop; but i've been going to church as long as i can remember - i know of nothing aside frm the redemption that's ahead.
right - so now, i've become one of those pple who go to church just in case - just in case judgement day is tmr and i don't wanna be last on the list. i hate this cowardly hypocrite that is me.

i fell off the Pedestal of High just now. dunno what pushed me off, but it must've grated me quite abit. so that i even wrote a shitty rhyming poem in 3 mins. .oh look, a screw just dropped out frm i dunno where and fell under my chair. guess i'm really losing my screws huh. i'm cooling off as i write this, but i'm still feeling bitch enough to thrust my shitload of words at you who are reading this...

You said you’d be there, I didn’t hear you wrong.
But perhaps you weren’t too clear of your intentions all along.
You said we’d be good friends. Was that like a vow?
Or something you said but don’t really mean now?

I try to smile when I see you happy.
But your bliss irritates the shit out of me.
Don’t turn your promises round when you’ve found what you like.
Cos I become a bitch when I’m full of spite.
I’ll become that someone I hate to be.
I’ll make you regret knowing me.

Maybe this is just another mood, another lousy day.
But I’m still angry so don’t begin to feel good.
I hate being this way.
I hate it being this way.

i HATE it when you don't listen. ya, i know you heard me. but your happiness is blasting so loud, you can't understand my words. LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! don't make me feel this way. i don't want to lose control of me.

WOO-HOO!!!!!!!! uncle jeffrey fixed my comp! it's great to have a tech-savvy stepfather. anyway, right now, i'm a bit high... don't know why. maybe it's because i watched 3 hrs of CSI just now; made me feel so detective-ey heh. tt doesn't explain why i'm high... oh well haha. ~trip to fridgerator~ ok, just had some of zehzeh's angelfood cake with homemade jam. i'm calmer now. i've finished reading A Clockwork Orange(damn horrorshow, my droogs) and Sue Miller's short stories (only Inventing the Abbots was good). uncle jeffrey might get retrenched (SIA being bitchy and all); tt'll make me feel even worse bout not having a job. if my attachment isn't next sem, i'll do waitressing.

helped my mother with babysitting today. got bored with the kid after awhile. A dormant fear erupted in my mind: would i get sick of my kids next time? will i get sick of my husband? i know it sounds all farfetched, but sometimes i'm afraid my lack of passion and my short-term fads will be the death of me. i need a commitment to challenge me - maybe a new relationship or a job or something.

i have this theory - that every person is but a container of unique experiences. some containers are transparent, some opaque, others inbetween. of various materials though all bout the same shape. but it's the bottles' contents - what we experience - that makes us us. an empty bottle wouldn't be stupid person; it'd someone who didn't experience much. good or bad, you decide. i can't explain it all, but tt's basically the jist. yeah.
lately i haven't dipped into the low end of the mood spectrum. i need a poignant anything to come pique my mind.

a big YAY! i'm all better now! thought i'd never recover. anyway, happy fathers' day to all (?) haha. i've been practising the song tt i wrote. next time i let ya'll hear ok? (ok! ya'll chorus in delightful anticipation)
last night, i had an attack again, so took a puff of ventolin and sat up in bed, listening to the radio and talking to myself. actually it's not myself i talk to. i actually talk to one or another of my good friends (only tt they aren't around). and imagine how they'd reply; but they mostly listen. then i also had a good cry with one of them last night. - i know, i'm crazy (so sue me!). but it's all part of what keeps me somewhat sane.
i was and am thinking bout how much i missed secondary school and jc. so here's just a sketch i did in sec4 (or sec3?). oh the fun times we all had snoozing and eating in class *sigh*... so nostalgic. can you guess who this snoozy is? haha

Weed.
Youre the baby of the drugs, and thats okay, because Im sure, I could do you all day.

Which drug should you be hooked on? [now with pictures]
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good news - my throat is alot better ; bad news - now i have asthma attacks.
last night, had one, this morning had one, now i have one. i don't want to die of an asthma attack; you have no idea how painful it to not be able to breathe. but just in case, you guys'd better start preparing my eugoogoly (haha...*choke* damn it's hard to laugh when i can't breathe!). getting sick means i can't go out and squander money. tt's good. i should get back to my Clockwork Orange; damn horrorshow that book is. the way he justifies his acts reminds me of a certain someone i know. i'm so bored now - i can't jump round and dance to my music cos i'll trigger an attack. damn you asthma! feeling like a vegetable; i wana be brinjal cos i like brinjal.
yesterday, i wrote a song, music and all. all by myself! it's a tad cheesy but my very own. mr and mrs fix-it are out, zehzeh's going out. maybe i'll read a bit then watch the ORIGINAL Heaven dvd i bought. giovani ribisi is oddly attractive. just now i watched this movie and in the end, the maincharacter runs away with her lesbian lover. it's amazing what love makes pple do huh? i wonder what i'd be like if i was lesbian. (it's an odd thing to ponder... but normal has never been in the context so screw it.).
note to self: stop writing now, lest risk filling the page with contextless ramblings. ... ok, goodbye then.

ah... got a throat infection. this throat virus seems to like my alot. i kena at least twice a yr.
my uncle read my palm today - said i'm very flirtatious, can't decide on a partner. my career will be good. i'm not good with managing money. i'm not into believing stuff like this. but it's interesting to know. i'm flirtatious? er... ok watever.
today (when i wasn't sedated with antiBs and flu pills), i was lamenting on the tediousness of having 3 extended families. no one's overtly forcing, but i feel the pressure to love my family (or at least uncle jeffrey's side). i hate my dad's side, but the fact that my mum doesn't like them seems to make it ok. then uncle jeffrey's side is so loving and all. sometimes when i sing for weddings, i try to picture mine. how am i spposed to fit 3 extended families on the limited pews? i hate my conscience - it says pacify, pacify.
random: i don't know why i feel good when i talk to andrew when he's happy. it's not the kindof thing that happens to me with every friend. (karol and durga: i knw what you're thinking now, and the answer is no, i don't).
i don't like Father's Day. what do i do with 2 fathers? i hate this. i hate it. sometimes, i wonder if 2 or none is better. oh poor amelia is getting all bitter now.shouts my alter ego. shut your rot, you! i retaliate. the endless ruckus...
been listening to Nina's Foolish Heart. this song has little relevance to me now, but it's good nonetheless; seems that some songs come at the wrong time. i'm wishing for someone i could be grateful to God for. yeah. God. That word rings distant.

thank goodness it's all over: the backaches, the volatile moods, the lethargy. it'll be back in bout a mth, but till then, yay. oh the craziest things that i think of and say when i get that way... ok ok, i'll spare you the details.
just a random thought... you know, being in and out of a relationship really makes you appreciate being single and all. sure, i feel crappy and annoyed sometimes, when friends go out with their other persons and i've got nothing to do. but hey, i was once like that right, so i cut them some slack yes? yes. gibberish...gibberish. random: i'm slightly annoyed i have to skip the short films tmr to go for uncle jeffrey's birthday dinner. i feel guilty that i feel tt way, but i can't help it. i think i must be obsessively against change or something.
went to pulau ubin with zehzeh and daddy yesterday. i think the reason i treat my father so bad sometimes is cos i really don't know how to treat him. i trekked silently (cept for the jangle of my bag) and once in awhile daddy would tell me what tree this or that is, what kampung was here, or there. then after explaining, he'd walk away and look at other stuff. i couldn't help but liken his occasional explanations to the way he came in and out of my life, like i wasn't so important. it's sad you know. sometimes i wish my dramatic life didn't have such a screwed up backdrop. i know it's made me the unique person i am today, but it's hard to forget a bad script.

you know the irony? when i was young, i used to miss my father, and i'd cry and stuff. he never really called - too busy i guess. and now he calls and wants us to go and stay more often; it annoys me. maybe i've longed for it too long - so long that it became an empty desire, one that if fulfilled, would ironically piss me off. maybe it's just me, i don't know
i wonder who'd read my autobiography if i wrote one; would anyone be patient enough to relive my life with me? don't tell me you would. show me.

went to bed at 2, but my thoughts refused to let me. i don't know they're there till i try to sleep. so i tried to talk to God - the one i hoped i still believe in. i called out to him but the emptiness sucked my voice into the blur. i hate doubting God's existence, but i did. and i do. picked up my diary and made good use of my sleeplessness:

Amelia hated to cry.
Amelia wanted to love.
Amelia believed there was a God up above.

Amelia loved.
Amelia laughed.
Amelia believed in God above.

Amelia still loved.
Amelia cried.
Amelia thought her God had died.

Amelia had loved.
Amelia had cried.
Amelia's heart had now died.

Amelia stopped believing in God.

Amelia is me.
Amelia in you.
Amelia...
who?

~Copyright of Joaquin~

would you rather sleep deep or nightmare-filled? would you have your dreams if you willed?
why can't i choose? stop the imbalance. Life's my struggle, filled with malevolence.
so what would you choose? what would come after death, now that i can't find God? black. so dark.
last night in my thoughts i saw a lady screaming, her writhing hands flailing over her head. her despair terrified me. but i wonder why it should. maybe if i didn't think so much, i wouldn't know of such internal conflict.

oh, had a fun time i had yesterday; yilin, beatrice, gerianne, vien, karin - thanks you guys. i miss old times. yesterday was the most enjoyable minimal-purchase shopping trip i can remember. i'll go crazy if i write anymore. don't worry bout me, i'm not sad, just sickened with thoughts overflowing. i hope tonight will be kinder. amen.

it's unsettling - sensing that i'm not wanted somewhere even though it's not articulated. or am i imagining it all? i've got my grip on reality's sleeve. and i'm not gonna let go, you hear? i'm not gonna let go...gibberish...gibberish...maybe i should get some rest. ok, here's something i just wrote. (i know it's cheesy to rhyme, but save your complaints cos i don't have the time.)...

I guess I could choose,
I’m not so obtuse.
But I don’t see the loss
In picking what you toss.
So I’m trudging behind.
Everything you like, I too don’t mind.
I’m your little lapdog.

You must’ve put stuff in my feed.
So whatever you say I take heed.
I grin and I drool like a doped fool.
It’s just my little lapdog syndrome.

I’m free whenever you call
And no order from you’s too tall.
Cos I’m the minion with no opinion.
Yeah. I’m your little lapdog.

~Copyright of Joaquin~

a certain Wooya-Pooya commented that this poem macam S & M. so since i've gotten ya'll into a kinky mood, thought i'd put this quiz here as well. ooh... i's got an entrancing kiss? haha! beat that man! {:oP


You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
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ok, going off now, Miles Away, to la la land. haha... oh man, punk really tickles me...

yay! MY results are out! i got one A - yay! (tt rhymes, haha). the funny thing though, is that i seem to be the only one who's gotten my results. everyone else i've just asked said they got a message in their NPAL saying that it'll be released on 6/7 June. haha. karin suggested it could be cos they know i check NPAL everyday. but maybe s'cos i'm the level's special-needs kid. well whatever the reason, i seem to find this all very amusing. (especially since i already msged everyone saying the results are out haha)

went to help out at a day care called Kampung Senang this morning. then there was this guy in the office, throwing a fit and a chair. after i recoverd from shock, i thought to myself: someone obviously wasn't feeling too senang!
the lady was really nice, so nice that it scared me. she was like a chinese hippie (only, minus the pot and the beads and all) - talked bout saving the environment, and learning naturally. they only eat vege, to save the earth apparently. then this guy talked to me bout doing good and all; i felt so bad so i pretended to listen. mealtime was a traumatic experience - funny looking porridge with funny smelling muicai and some other funny things. i wish i could say trying to swallow it all was as funny.

some reflections... during the past yr or so, i've realised the joy of being by myself. it's not as lonesome as i used to think it. i've actually grown to appreciate the time i spend by myself, with myself. instead of stoning or crying, i've come up with more contructive ways of spending the time solitarily. i like reading aloud. i like making my hands do a dance. and breathing in random scents that flood my mind with happy things (no, not glue. i like paint smell though). it's liberating.

going for THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES later. am hoping ah ma's friend is a cute male (and straight too please!) - don't want to run the risk of looking/feeling/acting like a gooseberry.

woah, my mother is a bit extreme... she wants me to sleep at 10 now. but, i don't wanna i don't wanna I DON'T WANNA! {:oP
ok, anyway, today, i called up some kindergarten in tampines and got me a voluntary job - gardening. haha. cool. (ok, here's the part where you agree that it's cool, and say that you're very happy for me.... c'mon - say it!)

i think i'm finally stepping out of my horrid tepidity - been practising my guitar again. and today, i just taught myself how to play All For You by Sister Hazel, yay! at least i feel a bit purposeful now. and i finally have a tune to one of the 'poems' that i wrote (thank you, Clement!). i've yet to figure out how to sing with the music though. but i'll get to it. Listening to Deftones' Passenger now; aiyoh... dirty song tsk tsk tsk...
oh yah, ravi and me made a pact - if he has daughters, he'll give them to me instead of throwing them into the river. i'll swap them for my sons. that'll save us both the trip to the river. haha. it's not that i don't want sons, i just haven't put much thought into naming them.
*sigh*... i gots to go soon. anyway, don't forget to leave me a tag! and now, here's a song for those feeling fatally blah. go ozzy! haha

Paranoid
Black Sabbath

Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me occupy my brain?
Oh yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find
I can't see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind

Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal

And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life I wish I could but it's too late

thank you, good night, we love you all! and leave me a tag!

i slept eraly last night - at bout 12. haha cos my mother so irritating. stood at my door and bugged me till i got into bed.
anyway, today i played badminton with my dad, as we did last sunday. and, just a random thought - in case you're wondering (or have ever wondered) how come i can sing so high (i think i can reach descant on falsetto haha... aiyoh... i'm so boastful. but can';t help it if i'm good, can i? ok, back to the pt...), i think it's cos both my parents have exceptionally high voices. my mother's voice is piercing, and my dad can go as high as david gates. no kidding.

hey i've just learnt a new word (courtesy of Jing!): INUNDATED. i'm not gona tell you wat it means; click my m-w link and find out yourselves! and to those cRever pple who do know the meaning already, i say: you yaya-head, you! {:oP

was walking in taka today and then suddenly, somehting i saw jolted open some memory box in my brain and i remembered a dream i had bout 2 mths ago. this seems to happen to me a lot of the time. goodness knows why... i'm not sure what to think of it all. i have a bad short term memory and a good long-term memory which i, apparently, can't seem to control. distant, obscure memories seem to keep making cameo appearances every now and then, as if to remind me of something, someone, .. i dunno.
anyway, gotta brush teeth now. bed-time of 12mn imposed on me. so till next time...