Friday, February 27, 2004

dissonance. dissonance. dissonance. what if i wrote a song bout it? listening to mogwai is bringing me to a high. still, i feel particularly lousy and flopped right now. the random electric visuals on WMA are making me psychedelic - whee.

i realise tt liyana and i have a lot in common. though most of wat we share isn't positive shit, it's nice to know someone like myself.

stuart mass-emailed frm dwn under. i'm just thinking watever lah.

Aku Statik by OAG is a beautiful song. thanks nad; love it lots.
tt day, i taught myself to play Baby can i hold you, tracy chapman. ya, i suck but so wat. so wat? so wat? SO WAT? The higher you get, the further you drop. always, always remember tt. don't forget.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

FAE
You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and self-
absorbed, one thing is certain - life with you
will never be boring!


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, February 20, 2004

i know i'm tired but i cannot sleep. i will now proceed to record the things tt have happened this academic wk (at least the parts i can remember) because i am a no-lifer.

i got a B for on-air radio presentation. yay - relieved. and B+ for magzine prgm.
i am delaying doing CR4 for advertising (due 9am). just cos.
i still have the flu from last wk's stupid vaccination. it's causing my asthma to act up.
i just added new things to my SKETCHES and THINGS I LIKE albums. (see Stuff, at the left column)
i just noticed tt so far, all my unfragmented sentences in this post start with i.
cousin cheryl's wedding this sunday; i's gonna wear my new kebaya. lunch with her soon.
liyana coming over later this morning.
professeur jean says i'm one of the top on the list of french trip applicants. i think my french is actually improving.
i had to walk round school with my mouth open cos i couldn't breathe through my snot-clogged nose.
i forwent Italian for Beginners for the no-brainer American idol.
i am having trouble breathing right now. but i'm still alive, so i guess i should still be when i wake up.
i want to buy prescribed shoes tmr so i can start running as soon as the flu stops bugging me. no pun intended.

pple who go to jc are (or become) childish, bitchy, and don't really know tt much. tt's wat ran through my mind this evening. maybe it's tt our (me and jc pple) matters of impertinence are inversed. anyhow, i still prefer non-jc pple. hey, at least i'm frank...

listening to: La Derniere Valse, Mireille Mathieu

Sunday, February 15, 2004

I was dreaming of the past, and my heart was beating fast.

(jealous guy, john lennon)


Don't you long for the day when you'll have the courage to give up? Very well said, liyana.

Flu jab aches.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

i feel extremely uncomfortable inside. i don't know what to say because i don't know what i'm feeling. i told myself tt if stuart didn't msg me his flight details, i wouldn't bother to ask or see him off. but i don't often keep promises to myself - 7.20pm. Wil be at airport at 5.. :)

so i guess tt's it huh. do i say have a safe flight? does tt sound too curt when said by itself? do i even care? i am beginning to see tt there is no easy way out of this. sorry, amelia. i said i'll be in sch then and bye bye ahmad.

behold... i have collapsable knees. i put pressure on my left knee and suddenly i couldn't hold my own weight (which is, by the way, not much). and now the left's ok, but the right is fucked. mummy bringing me to chiropractor on friday. i want to avoid an operation as far as possible.

... and still, he hasn't replied. i can't say i don't care.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

i woke up feeling and looking very ugly. i checked my email, not feeling very hopeful and then... AH!!! he replied! Richard Herring actually replied! i got a little high and thanked God. yesterday, i actually listened to the homily and it was bout leaving it all to God to take care of stuff. i think He did just tt. Thank God! i know it's not all over, this work. but then at least i have one less thing to fret bout.

i walked round Borders yesterday stoning and listening to music, while trying to ignore the pain in my knees and feet. i think by the end of the year, i'll probably be wheelchair bound. it's ironic you know - if i had found out bout my flat feet along time ago, i would have been exempted frm doing exercise and thus, lessen the chances of having wonkified knees. instead, i was only diagnosed with flat feet after i went to see the doctor bout my knees. oh well, but i guess it wouldn't be fun to have been exempted frm stuff, so i don't really have any regrets.

you know, a few yrs ago, i told mummy i thought i had flat feet. she said, Rubbish, what nonsense. Well lookie, wat i got now, mother - they is bloddy flat, my feet! and last time i also told zehzeh tt maybe i had some arthritic thing going on with my joints. and she brushed it off too. the moral of the story: watever lah, i only have myself to believe me.

last night, took 7 to park mall Han's with joel michelle ian antonia. ate, went Borders. waited for a reason to go home. i wanted to take a cab cos i couldn't imagine limping to the mrt station or bus stop, then having to stand the entire trip home. waited for andrew then took cab. he said Why waste your money on cab? i said Why not? i mean, wat am i spposed to waste it on otherwise? i was actually a little surprised at his question. somehow it came across as a bit materialistic. i don't have money just to show it off or to feel atas and all. why would i want to amass so much money and do no good with it?
(i'm suddenly wondering if the reason i spend so thoughtlessly is cos i think my end is near. i don't know. doesnt matter lah.) so we talked randomly, of dimensions and pickles. i like hanging out with andrew.

somehow thinking bout stuart seems to frustrate me because i can't decipher wat it is i feel or don't feel for him (and vice versa). so i found myself being curt in an sms.

Friday, February 06, 2004

i want to talk bout how i've been feeling during the past few days, but i don't want to cos i don't feel like remembering it now.

i cannot seem to remember many things lately. i cannot recall wat happened in class today. i cannot remember how i felt at any point before this. only tt i didn't like it. i have this feeling tt i'm disintegrating. maybe in a few days time, it wouldn't be wrong to say tt i am obsolete.

i'm looking for Life. Life, the curious journey; not Life the definitive noun. Life, not as opposed to Death, but as opposed to non-Life. no, this is not psycho-speak. it is merely the word of me, i who feel so wizened and full of horrid torpidity.

Could the cure possibly be in the words sex and candy?

the sunset always knows how to say it to make me feel better, or at least make me forget the things i don't need to remember. maybe we are connected, me and the sun. i'm afraid i've run too far from the past to ever feel it again. but the sky tt day was speaking to me. it sucked the soul out of me and made it dance. torpidity take over and i have no you no me no nothing at all. tt evening, the sky whispered to me like a poet; a psycho-analyst poet who knew how to make me feel. then i had to leave. it's always like tt. it's always like tt.

the idea of not waking up at all is very appealing. wouldn't you choose death over non-life too?

Sunday, February 01, 2004

apathy
Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways.
You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you
don't care. But that does not make you a bad
person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I
love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a
little more. Trust me life hurts, most people
who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt.
But don't worry, life is pain, its also
pleasure. Good luck.

What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

... 'tis increasingly the case, yes. How false the light.
party at my place yesterday night. i was hoping chelsea wouldn't come but she did. tt's ok - i don't dislike her or anything; but i know tt with her around, it'll be very hard for stuart to try anything.
don't get me wrong - i really don't like stuart all tt much. i just dont like it tt he made it clear he likes me and tt we might go somewhere, but now he's leaving it hanging. lately, i've been feeling like reading my Life After God, but pam still has it. i will ask for it back.

last night i assumed a stoic stance. ok, fine, so maybe i wasn't completely stoic, but i felt quite aloof anyway. i know tt i've been feeling like tt lately also cos of bloodloss. (this is one thing i always find so fascinating bout myself- tt i can be so aware of things. i'm not boasting but merely stating an observation. ya.)

when i get like tt, the world just seems to pass me by like it doesn't care. i used to be bothered tt the life didn't seem to care bout me. but i know now tt tt's not the way to play this game.
i notice tt many pple's msn messenger nicknames are always to do with love (or the lack thereof). i can't claim to be an exception.

after everyone left, i realised tt denise had visited my blog. and i was a bit irritated cos i know tt tt means other pple would've seen it. and i told her only she, ian and debra knew. and obviously, i do have my reasons for keeping it from everyone else. obviously, when i write in my blog, i am fully aware of the implication of posting personal shit online. this, however, is of little consolation to the irritation i am experiencing now.

i don't like it if family members know too much bout what's going on in my mind. i guess it's cos they already have a perception of me since i was young and to kill tt would seem the weirdest thing to do. it's like being naked in front of them. now, if i wanted to do a striptease, i'd rather do it in front of pple i don't know than in front of my family. get my point?

ok. singing for 3.30pm baptism. bye.