Saturday, November 29, 2003

today, boys and girls, i have an extremely enriching experience to share. it goes like this:
you see, i have a stye in my eye. yes; a ghastly god-awful and very very painful boil on my lower eyelid. i am calmly sitting surfing the internet when suddenly, my left-eye vision is vitiated and it starts to feel a little like i have a tear in my eye. i begin to wonder why. a quick trip to the toilet mirror reveals... my disgusting, infected eyelash follicle has burst and the pus is starting to impair my sight. i wipe this off, and so now i sit here relating the incident. and so you will ask Wat do we learn from this? vitiated. hah.

Le Papillon (say lerh-pah-pee-long) is a good show. am still trying to figure the title and words of the song elsa was singing.

i've concluded tt a bit of flirting and having pple (whom i'm comfy with) breath down my neck once in a while is not detrimental to me or them. ok, so i do enjoy it ok... i shouldn't feel bad bout tt, right?

fucked up knees and a bloddy stye. i tell God, Look, if you didn't want me to go to the party, you could've just said so. jabs at my already-wavering vitality are very uncalled for. i felt bad for thinking of it tt way, but i'm just a little frustrated with my condition right now.

i miss you. i should stop treating pple's words like they were promises.
just... call me ok?

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

thanks for your well-wishes ya'll. i dunno if my knees are better, but thanks anyway. i think i'm really llucky to have so many good friends {:o)
because i am now really a bit cacat, the only dance i can do - tt won't worsen my condition - is one tt uncannily resembles an ah beng dance. haha. oh well, i guess tt's the closest i can get to dancing right now. haha.

you know, listening to teenybopper songs makes me feel a bit like i want to be in love. (this sounds so familiar; have i mentioned this before?). maybe tt's the underlying purpose of teenybopper stuff- to make you feel like something's amiss; tt can't be a good thing, can it? it's nice to have someone to love huh...

everyone go have a listen to Beth by KISS, nice... and now playing: John Lennon's Jealous Guy.

was at aunty june's hse just now for mini Hari Raya dinner and adam and tim were jamming in the room and i sat round and imbibed it all. then i thought to myself: they can start a band and call it The Puspalms. tt's both their mom's (and my stepfather's) surnames. plus, it also happens to sound pretty a-go-go-ish. all they need is a vocalist (pick me! pick me!) and a drummer haha. oh, and it'll also be a good way to preserve the family name (which will disappear here by the next gen). come quick, applaud my resourcefulness! yay!

Monday, November 24, 2003

shit... i keep crying. it hurts too much.
i don't know whether i'm crying because of the pain, or because i'm just so sad. i have tis very rueful look on my face now. i'm not sure anyone cares though; pple think it's just anothe rone of my issues. maybe it is. i don't care, i just want this agony to stop.

just when i begin to find emotional stability, my wasted body crumbles beneath me. in case you need me to fill you in, the cartilage in my knees has worn off and so the pain in my joints is killing me. wat's also very painful is the jogging-abstinence the doctor has imposed on me. i know, pple all say Big deal... just don't jog lah. you dont' understand - i feel so helpless. i duno how i'm gonna go to work on wednesday and lawry's carolling next wk. and i probably have to forgo the china black party too. the pain is draining me. this is all so daunting. i hate being sickly. in case you don't know, i like to run, and i like to play badminton (not good at either, but i do it anyway). and in case you didn't know, i love to jump and dance when i'm high and happy. i don't wanna talk bout this anymore. it's painful to not be able to dance.

on saturday, i realised (not for the first time; but i was very very sure this time) tt performing makes me high. it was st. cecilia's choir feast day, i went up on stage to sing Je Ne Veux Pas Travailler. following, they all managed to persuade me to stay on stage and sing my trademark song - I Will Survive. i think it was a dynamic performance (this i could tell frm audience reaction), and i didn't realise how high i was till i got off stage and realised tt i couldn't stop trembling frn the adrenalin rush. it feels good to perform well. which is also why i'm so devastated bout my knee injury; it might mean i can't sing at lawry's.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Now, you'd think that you learn something in a school. well, these fish in my hse's tank are obviously rebels then.
today was a good day, so seamless. really, i've never had a day as clear as this one.


Flower Thoughts


on the bus, i finished Kitchen and i began to feel a warm feeling grow inside myself - i suddenly identified with the way Mikage felt. i know i felt tt way before; some distant time away, i did before. and it felt good.
Then i came home to new (and idiotic fish) and dinner (nasi goreng campur). and i thought to myself: it's a good life i have now. consequently, i got scared a wee-bit tt it wasn't going to last. but the joy brushed the ill feelings aside. so now, i'm all good. good.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

i looked up and suddenly, i didn't recognise where i was. it's not like i've only been there once or twice. this was kembangan mrt station; i knew it fairly well. but this afternoon, it felt like something out of the future tt felt nostalgic. it felt so... tentative. but there was a whiff of familiarity about the whole scene tt was comforting. my thoughtlessness formed an security blanket round me, diluting the pervasive changes.

later: my beloved bedok interchange with it's old-school everything. past the fruit stall, nangka aroma forced itself up my nose (not tt i resisted much). i love pasars (hari, malam - everything!).

last night i wondered when daddy was gonna tell us bout his affair with aunty jessie. it's not like i don't already know.
did you know tt brie and Berri dark grape juice make a good snack?
Don't frown at me like that, Boey. tt annoyed face annoyed me.
but then, this was later clouded by other more important things such as having a nice meal at aunty june's. yay! good food. and adam showed me how he can now play the latest Three Doors Down song. good for him {:o)

i have issues with children who don't know how to daydream and don't bother trying. ethel, janelle and shannon are three brats who regularly come to my house and fight with each other to use the computer, bang their fingers on the the piano, or play with someone's handphone. if they can't get their hands on any of those things, they insolently announce they are bored. tsk, how annoying. can't they just learn to stone? or hide behind curtains and talk to themselves (i used to do this quite a bit). plus, i have a whole case full of bks; am rather insulted tt they find nothing readable there. watever lah. (NB: the aforementioned type of boredom is vastly different frm the apathy some of us occasionally experience). the point is, i don't get why some pple just can't think of ways to entertain themselves. it's terribly tragic you know.

zehzeh and i were bored just only, so i dressed up in my new vintage dress and we used up the shots in the instant cam she'd brought for her sentosa escapade just tt day. haha, hope the photos turn out right; they're cool i think.

during mass, i busied myself with thinking bout random shit; in between these thoughts were visions of myself getting struck down by God for not paying attention. why do i always feel tt i have to make bargains when it comes to God? i always feel like it's all a game (refer to: the price is right). no; we don't have a very healthy relationship, me and my God.

i was thinking of getting an acoustic, just for fun. maybe it'll make me more motivated to improve my playing. anyone got a second-hand to offer? (andrew? hahaa).

The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz
The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz



i did the thing below a few times, entering a diff names each time; check it out ya'll...

Quiz Me
**elia Y** was
a Happy Pick-Pocket
in a past life.

Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me


Quiz Me
*m*l*a j**q**n y*o was
a Snooty Travel Agent
in a past life.

Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me


Quiz Me
a****a **o ** *** was
a Happy Fighter Pilot
in a past life.

Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me


Quiz Me
a****a j*****n **o ** k** was
a Creative Explorer
in a past life.

Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me



... in conclusion, AMELIA was a JOB-HOPPER. haha.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

i met amy yesterday. she's an instructor trained by Wilderness. i heard from my boss yee pin tt amy's father recently committed suicide. but you'd never guess cos yesterday she was joking and laughing with me. over lunch, she told me how yoga leads to greater flexibility and the possibilty of more adventurous postures during sex. tt's nice, but it still does not solve the issue of tt dumb oral sex law (gosh, wat is my problem anyway?)

i keep telling myself i'm bored and tt i need someone to think of. it's sad i look at it like a remedy. shouldn't be tt way. i'm just bored to pieces.
up, down, up, down, up, down. is of my day.
i realised today tt the shell station at TBL bldg has only female employees (i think). and i thought to myself, hey, i could work here. hah. then i bought a hazelnutchocolate wafer thing to make myself happy.

mummy and uncle jeffrey left for bangkok this morning. daddy leaving on cruise tmr. i sat at my messed up laptop at work today, all by myself for bout 2 hrs. i want to thank all the pple who replied to my countless sms-es. my table there is beginning to look like the one at home. i've concluded tt i'm the kind of person who really really cannot hold a normal 9 to 5 job. it's been less than a week, and i dunno how i'm gonna tahan till next month. thankfully i get to listen to radio online, so i don't fall asleep.

for a change, i went to OUB centre at raffles place to watch POFF play (nice songs, ya'll), and get a suntan at the same time. tmr i might go watch somemore, and toast me a nice brown. i hate the thought of going to work at the same time everyday. i'm so used to having classes at diff times everyday, so i can't take this... take... me .. away..............

finally borrowed Kitchen. started on it on the train home. good.
i think i'm alone now. there doesn't seem to be anyone around.
wonder what time they gonna be here, my bosses. maybe they not coming in today uh-oh... haha

Monday, November 10, 2003

I love you from the bottom, of my pencil case
I love you in the songs, I write and sing
Love you because, you put me in my rightful place
And I love the PRS cheques, that you bring

Cheap, never cheap
I'll sing you songs till you're asleep
When you've gone upstairs I'II creep
And write it all down

Oh Shirley, oh Deborah, oh Julie, oh Jane
I wrote so many songs about you
I forget your name (I forget your name)
Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel, too
Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel, too
I forget your name

I love you from the bottom of my pencil case
I love the way you never ask me why
I love to write about each wrinkle on your face
And I love you till my fountain pen runs dry

Deep so deep, the number one I hope to reap
Depends upon the tears you weep, so cry, lovely cry, cry, cry, cry

Oh Cathy, oh Alison, oh Phillipa, oh Sue
You made me so much money, I wrote this song for you
Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel, too
I wrote this song for you
Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel, too
I wrote this song for you
For you, i wrote this song for you


(Song For Whoever, Beautiful South)



i've realised tt if i stop walking round the back of Tan Boon Liat building, i won't get so scared like i did yesterday. the day was good, then bad, then good, then bad... so it was ok i guess. the office is only a bit bigger than my bedrm, but i have my own work corner. which is cool with me. downside, i have to take a basic course in rockclimbing/abseiling where my bosses/colleagues/instructors - who all happen to be all of 2 pple - will show me the ropes (please laugh at my intended pun). this, so i will understand the co better. seems they expect quite a bit of me. i hope they don't over-expect, cos i really don't think i'm oh so capable. i should revise my sleeping schedule; was so deadbeat i KO-ed on the train.

thank you andrew, for sending me nick valensi's picture. fwah, all the handsomeness, man... woo hoo! mm-mm! sweet dreams are made of- *wink*

Sunday, November 09, 2003

ORAL SEX IS ILLEGAL?!!?
haha, no shit, since when? i'm very amused and shocked all at the same time. i mean, i never knew! did you? did you?

it's such a stupid law. ok, i'm a horny bitch - so sue me. it's an act of affection man... (well, it should be). how are pple spposed to be caught and fined anyway? doh. it's just so crappy and prudish. ok, just imagine, all the couples in sunny s'pore just doing it the normal way; and you thought nothing could get more boring than local Wheel of Fortune. i never knew the meaning of ludicrous till now... fwah lao.
i don't know what i'm talking bout right now. this issue just seems to bother me; my sexlife (not now lah, i mean next time ok)is at stake. hahaa. shut me up, someone.

i just saw my previous entry and wat the fuck is real love anyway? haha, oh man... i don't even know what i meant. oh yes, random point - disregard all the touting you hear of Shanghai Baby; it's a disappointment, tt book.

Martin breathed a hey gorgeous down my neck this afternoon and asked me to kick him in the ass with my new everbest heels (which i realise resemble part of an S&M ensemble). i'm not quite sure how to react. i imagine there be a battle, a battle for gorgeous. then there'd be violence and killing but in the end, she'll just run off with a guy tt is neither. sad? peut-etre. this is how i try to amuse myself as i swim in this pool of listlessness.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

Shake well before use.
i'm a carton of (try saying this in one breath) cacophony-floating-on-a-layer-of-piercing-silence-lying-atop-some-real-love. shake me up.

Caution: Do not pierce packet.
this will probably make you want to poke more, but don't anyway.


migliacci never call me so i don't even know the details for Wilderness Associates. even the suspense has died already. today i was irritated by this whole attachment thing. i'll call again tmr, in my punjabi suit and all indianed-up.

i've quit. i've quit. and i'm not just saying it. please don't let this be just a temporary thing...
now, i'm just waiting for something to happen. randomly, i recently realised how i still dress like a kid sometimes. but i don't do it on purpose; it's just tt the clothes i like to wear look a tad gi-na. so there. chey! {:oP
i's like got a thang for Benny frm City of God. is hot, is hot.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Strike up the band let it play
Love songs to haunt me and I will stay
But when it comes to a waltz
Both words and music will ring false

For you waltzed in
And spun my world
Around in dizzy dance I swirled
But suddenly
You waltzed away from me

Those violins, they must go
So no careless hand with a bow
May play on the strings of my heart
And make me remember how lovers part

How you waltzed in
And spun my world
Around in dizzy dance I swirled
But suddenly
You waltzed away from me

Strike up the band let it play
Whatever it chooses and I will say
Play me a waltz if you will
I'll sit here and listen waiting until

My love returns
To take my world
And spin it 'round
In dizzy swirl
Where girl loves boy
And boy loves girl
And feet don't touch the ground


(The Waltz, Silje Nergaard)


go buy 4D today cos i got myself a jazz cd. i love the way Silje carries this tune; it's so pretty. i think i have a thing for scandinavian singers (with the exception of ABBA of course, haha).

i realised today that i've romanticised some of my memories, resulting in beautifully nostlagic - yet unrealistic - flashbacks. this is all ok, until some of the subjects concerned make cameos and show me how much i've twisted my realities. it's like an epiphany, you know. but vien reckons this enlightenment won't stick for long and i don't sppose it would either. *sigh* oh well...
i'm really tired.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

ok, i'm spposed to be studying PR, but i couldn't resist writing cos i've had the urge to blog since yesterday and i didn't.

last night, we dropped by uncle peter's pub to wish aunty irene a happy birthday and as usual, i was saboh-ed into singing karaoke haha. sinead o'connor's nothing compares to you. have to admit i didn't quite pull tt one off. then aunty irene wanted to sing some charismatic (yes... i know- like huh?). so she put on her favourite Power of Your Love (an oversung song, in my opinion) and insisted i backed her up on tt. and there we were - a quirky 18-yr-old in a preppy tank, corduroys and trademark docmart's, and a sexy bra-less tightdressed 50-yr-old (complete with ponytail hairpiece and stilettos) crooning to holy melodies, while trying to ignore the inaccurate lyrics and tacky visual accompaniments flashing on the karaoke monitor.

i have to say, it wasn't so bad after all, the karaoke. and the best part was knowing tt i had made aunty irene's day. you should've seen the smile on her face when i sang with her. if i could make pple smile like tt everyday, i could be the happiest person on this planet.

i'm not sure which hurts more - studying PR (NB: does not constitute serving beer or getting frisky at a cheap lounge) or having period cramps ('period': a big irony, since the discomfort never seems to cease). well, either way, i'm doing both simultaneously now, so it doesn't matter.

this afternoon, i imagined myself as a little girl holding a basket, wearing a hood, walking through the forest. No, my initials are not LRRH. anyway, i had a lot of peace in my basket. and along the way, some birds kept flying by and crapping in it. tt pissed me off, but i walked on anyway. and i kept trying to find some nice untainted peace in my basket and when i did (though it was increasingly seldom), i was very happy.
now i hope you didn't think this little tale was going to end with a moral, cos it doesn't. i'm not sure what the point to it is. you go figure.

Saturday, November 01, 2003

i'm not sure why i keep throwing myself into the twilight, just to float in my melancholy. if i could, i'd rid the ones i love of their pain. if i could, i'd save you... and you... and you... from all the hurt and pain. everytime you hold something in, a bolt loosens in your brain. and then bit by bit, you'll lose it, and then you won't be able to think so well anymore. i hope shana doesn't grow up to be as troubled as me, or worse. i want to take the pain away for her, the way no one really managed to do for me. this is like reliving it over again, and i still feel helpless.

you probably think i'm full of angst. well, maybe i am. oh you won't understand. tell me it's ok cos the tears aren't enough to wash it away.