PBK
Hover above and tickle the stars. My lips, a bowl.
If you find you want to stay, I won’t force you away.
Pretty blue kingfisher my love, pretty blue kingfisher.
You’ll fly by and I’ll touch your softness, feed on your tenderness.
Pretty blue kingfisher my love, blue kingfisher.
You live forever and float a cloud before my mind’s eye.
Misty, get so misty, you nonchalant effector.
Pretty blue kingfisher my love, kingfisher.

I can’t find the yesterday I loved so long and hard; the one I clung to and now tore apart. Sting so it doesn’t hurt. Blink so it’s clearer. Take me to that day, my yesterday. Tomorrow will rise and today will swing aside. And I’ll have no recollection - no, none at all.

ok, i think i'm officially mental (ref to sept 22, mon). but tt's ok.
some songs tt make me a little high; sometimes, maybe, i dunno...

Sweet Jane - mazzy star.
Passenger - deftones.
Fade Into You - mazzy star.
Take a Picture - filter.
Fake Plastic Trees - radiohead.
Olsen Olsen - sigur ros.
Roulette - system of a down.
Glass Vase Cello Case - tattle tale.
Medication - garbage.
Falling From Grace - gentle waves.
Gold in Them Hills - ron sexsmith & chris martin.
Wish You Were Here - pink floyd.

...one time or another, in one way or some other.


hey let's just sit round like we did before. you don't have time for me, and i just don't have time. (playing: Shine Like It Does, INXS) find what, Hutchence? you crazy bastard. hah. goats milk smells like leftover roast beef.

conversation `a petanque:
tu t'appelle comment?
-ah?
tu t'appelle comment?
-huh? er...
tu t'appelle-
-oh, je m'appelle Amelia; Amelie de Ngee Ann Polytechnique (i'm thinking: i am so witty, hur hur...)

`A voila! - yours truly, Ngee Ann's best french student. yes, simply the best. uh-huh, oui oui.

rainy day. good day. (except the fact that i can't stand the loser sitting behind me in PR)

i must've looked like i was gonna kill someone when i walked through the sch gates today. i hoped inside tt i wouldn't burst into uncontrollable hysteria. i guess half-hearted laughter is better than none at all.
maybe i expect too much from friends or something. why stay away when the going gets tough for me? oh i know it's just so easy to run. but hear this: i'm in a mood- don't abandon me!!!

then i wasn't allowed to hang round in B02's photog class. so i walked to the library to sit by myself in one corner, where my colourful and volatile temperaments wouldn't be of nuisance to anyone. cried then grinned to myself, then walked round so i wouldn't kill myself with the deadly combination of emotional overactivity and physical inactivity. bumped into nad and faz and zareen, and just sitting there with them made me feel better. maybe that was all i really needed- pple to be around me and, though acknowledging tt i'm down, still treat me like normal and make me feel that it's ok to have a mood. thanks nad.

and, i found Natural Born Killers to be quite disturbing.

i haven't felt the way i did today in a while. if it's not pms, then i think i'm officially mental. sudden terrible outburst. i guess it was all building up. i remember when i felt like that before- like i want to cry and cry and not stop. there was this sadness in me that was just seeping through every pore. and then the crazy feeling will just manifest itself in my sobs, punctuated by hysterical laughter. NICE.

what really hurt was when you turned away and didn't want to know. i thought friends listened. what makes me so mad is when pple are nice to me because their just scared i'll start shouting at them. i don't need pity or fear ok. i hate fake empathy. fuck you. maybe i just need someone who's not afraid of me. good luck, amelia.

melting shadow dripping black, flow my senses free. powder the emotion on; feigned empathy. Twilight on the tastebud of a reluctant tongue. swollen voids echo and coo. better start to run away, away. (scribbled during FP class)

i can't guarantee i won't be that way tmr. i feel volatile, so volatile.

blablah.

at johnathan's wedding the week before last, i realised how much i miss singing choral music. i mean real choir-style (think Haendel's Messiah), in an all-girls choir. i miss it so much.

sashi has chosen the lucky pple to be in her newsgrp. ooh, lucky lucky eh! haha. i have yet to be victimised by her imposing ways...
i realise i have a lot of work to do, but i don't seem to be able to panic. time is just racing past me and then it's already 20th(pam's bday), then 27th (musik art!), then 3 october (webD journal due)... yada yada, you get the pt.

every now and then, i imagine myself in a band singing my heart out. i can't hear me, the words i'd sing. but i see me enjoying myself. it's not really an ambition; i guess i'm just curious to know if i'll ever be in tt dimension.

oh no, guess wat... i'm was in tt I'm With You mood again today. too long... it's been too long.

i feel like folding myself up and placing me in a corner.

if i can't love, then wat's the use of me right? i hate the way i speak about love - like i know it so well. i find the concept is a cliche in itself; it's sickening, really. my legs ache because i've had little sleep over the past week. remember how i said that i live for the past, so i can turn round and relook each second that glides past me? i haven't been turning round lately so i'm not sure what i've been living for. not for love, tt's for sure. for now, love is like a false consciousness i secretly impose on myself, just to keep me occupied till i find some other source of amusement/bemusement. i don't believe i'm being cynical, i just don't know what to look for, and i don't feel like dying anymore.

c'mon life, humour me, won't you? (or have you forgotten just how to?)

now, you may think i'm in the mood, but i'm not. came back late - i hung out at kap mac's with vien and sam. we had fun, didn't we? {:o)
i said today that i like lending my books out to people cos i take immense pleasure in seeing them experience a book that i've enjoyed. maybe i feel like i'm doing something for the world. i wonder if my keeping the receipts on the inside of the covers is my way of keeping a record of my life. i dare say i'm handling my life pretty well now (not relative to any time, just now). now that i have words to imbibe, i feel a lot more settled. if you need to account for it, i would blame my stagnation on my wonted yearning for love.

"I promise that I'll be able to recover all my memories of you," she said, all of a sudden, as we were walking along. "Even if I forget them at first."

"Every single one?"

"Of course. We've done so much together, wherever I go and whatever I see, I think of you. Newborn babies; the pattern on the plate that you see under a paper-thin slice of sashimi; fireworks in August. The moon hidden behind clouds over the ocean at night. When I'm sitting down someplace, inadvertently step on someone’s toes, and have to apologize. And when someone picks up something I’ve dropped, and I thank him. When I see an elderly man tottering along, and wonder how much longer he has to live. Dogs and cats peeking out from the alleyways. A beautiful view from a tall building. The warm blast of air you feel when you go down into a subway station. The phone ringing in the middle of the night. Even when I have crushes for other men, I always see you in the curve of their eyebrows.”

“So does that mean every single thing on earth reminds you of me?”

Once again, she closed her eyes, and then, opening them, looked directly at me, her eyes shining like glass.

“No, just everything in my heart.”

“So, you mean, your love for me?” I said, somewhat surprised.



(from Helix by Banana Yoshimoto)

Theory of my Temperament
You are just a mood I have every now and then.
So intense I can’t resist it or try to contend.
You’re one of the better ones, the one that makes me smile.
You’re that mood I want to feel, if only for a while.
So transient, you come and go, like a gentle hurried breeze.
A temporary indulgence, a pleasurable disease.
But of course there are those times when I’m off the high of you;
Then the sentiment invalidates, like canned fruit past its due.
So you see, I’m not just bluffing when I say that I don’t know.
I guess you’re just a mood I had and could never let go.

Filament
You burn me and you make me high.
The heat; radiant pain.
This drug, this bane.
Just keep turning me on while I decide if I want to last longer or die this way.
Smoke gets in my eyes but there are no tears to dry.
The walls shiver around me and through black spots I can see the outside,
only, I can hear nothing.
I thought long ago that we could make it.
But we forgot to fuse. Oops.

just got an email from daddy, regarding my newswriting article (on handsome soldier boy) tt i sent to him to read:

"thank you Melia. I hve a question that has to do with interview/media industry protocol.

When Terence said: "....whether the tedious practices were really worth his "burned weekends"."
I think he means " ....whether the privilege of participation is worth both the tedious practices and the burned weekends".

In such instances, are you allowed to amend the transcription to make it more understandable to the readers?

Cheers
Dad"

well, too bad, dad - i handed the thing in already so can't change it now. Now you can see where i got this compulsive-editing trait from huh. i even edit my own blog entries for spelling errors and semantic noise. haha.

-Where your mummy?
sick.
-sick?
ya, she's sick.
-your daddy? - where he go?
papa went to KL already.
-went to KL? ...........................

there shana stood, just behind me, blatantly lying to mama. i could feel the pain of a child who has to lie to keep the peace. but instead she will end up with nothing but unrest in her pickle. something like empathy screams from inside me to do something. But what?, i cry, but wat?
aunty grace called aunty nako and told her uncle shawn's presence at mama's bday dinner would spoil it. so tt's how my aunty nako suddenly became sick and uncle shaun was suddenly in KL. but this arrangement won't keep all happy for all time.
i followed a damn drama taiwanese serial tt mama was watching on channel U today. and much as i'd like to say it was ridiculously dramatic, i couldn't help but liken the whole scenario to my family's. this is almost like Days of Our Lives - everyone's having an affair or in some other exaggerated predicament of a sort. i will save you and me the elaboration, for fear of never being able to find the end.

sidetrack: as of last saturday, i find (watching) ballet to be sensual and just a bit short of being sinfully titillating. amen.