i'm going to go to sleep and wake in an hour to decide how to spend the last hrs of this year. most pple have the tendency to do some sort of reflection at the end of the yr but this year has rolled in and will soon be out so here's mine, quickly.

it is with a stoned sadness tt i admit tt i can't recall much of this year, or at least not in a very coherent way. everything's just a jumble and the passing of this parade seems nothing more than a very long one night stand (or at least it's how i presume the latter would feel).

it's sickening how much grace is upon me sometimes, but i'm grateful for the absence of calamities in my life. i was enjoying my food at simpang just now when i realised tt i was no longer feeling down the way i was a few wks ago, and i smiled inside cos tt would have been a horrible way to end the yr. i won't lament how uneventful and impertinent this yr seems compared to 02.
i guess there isn't anything really special bout the new year. it could have been yesterday, a day in may, or even my birthday, but it just happened tt this particular 24 hrs leads up to a certain 1st of january tt happens to be on a separate calender frm the preceding 24 hrs. but maybe we adamantly insist on making such a hoohaa bout it cos we want to feel like we've changed or are going to change. no, there's nothing wrong with tt.

Where is my master the rebel prince
Who will shut all of these windows
It's these windows all around me
It's these windows who are telling me
To rid my dirty mind of all of its preciousness
(rufus wainwright)


i still love andrew in a way tt i can't love anyone else.
i desperately need a change in my life (see: travel, get a job, watever).
i want to start saving a bit more of my own money.
i want to stop being so dependent.
i want to feel fit again.
i want to pray more.
i want to know the joy of writing a song tt pple will love.
i want to experience new things.
i want to do something(someone?) tt i love.


Let's just get naked
Just for a laugh
Let's just get naked
It's a trip and a half
(joan osborne)

i was made to go to a church just now and kneel and pray in the adoration room. i've always wanted so much to be good (just as much as i want to be bad) but i'm constantly find myself stifled by an awkwardness tt i can't handle. still, i want so much for the world to be good and kind and for pain to be ameliorated in a way tt will keep us loving but not forgetting how to hurt.

i was spposed to make a trip to lalaland 2 hrs ago but i'm still writing this.
and this is me. see you next year.

listening to: Child Psychology - black box recorder

"Life is unfair,
Kill yourself or get over it."

mm. sweet.

i sometimes imagine somehting bad happening to either of my 3 parents and i get very sad. mummy said tt if she and uncle jeffrey had gone to phuket this season, they probably would've been swept away, knowing how much they like to stroll in the early morning along patong beach in phuket. for someone as fortunate as myself, i don't pray enough. with regards to this close shave, julius says tt maybe God is giving me chance. Thank God.

yesterday, met my 4th floor neighbour hafiz for the first time, despite the fact tt we've lived in the same block for the past 4 yrs and have both been going to np for the past 3 yrs (then along came wholivesnearyou.com). so anyway, took bus-mrt-bus back with him (also bumped into kumar on the train) and 3 of us spent most of the trip reflecting on being np east-enders.

i've been getting lots of pple asking wat i'm gonna do after graduation and i've never really written it down.. so here's the rough plan:
1) Organise trekking trip round spore with julius and whoever else
2) Go on trekking trip (duh)
3) Hop on a flight to beijing and stay there for at least a week
4) Come back frm china and find a part time job
5) Muster motivation to get fit, take driving lessons/test and DELF A1 and A2 ('tis a french diploma thingy)
6) Scrape together savings to buy 2-way ticket to rouen (revisit rouen)
7) Look for interesting job to do and/or interesting sch to attend and/or interesting guy to screw.


listening to: Seaside Rendezvous - queen

i do realise tt all tt i've listed (save for the last one) would require quite a bit of money in total (estimated S$3350 excl rouen). i must consciously start saving to avoid going bankrupt before i set foot in motherland china.

i'm surprised at how shocked and upset i was upon discovering rufus wainwright's unfavourable sexual orientation. but really, i wanna be a gay man if tt means being one step closer to fucking him. oh God, help me, i'm so vulgar.

daddy left for genting last night. i got paranoid and tried to dissuade him. Got earthquake.. don't go genting lah, i said, always childishly and consciously avoiding any hints of affinity for him. No lah, he replied. I will explain seismic geology to u later. hmph.. how comforting, i think to myself; but tt's daddy i guess. at least if he never gets back, i am left with a bittersweet irony of a joke to remember him by.

listening to: Who's That Girl - eurythmics

testament to my procrastinating nature, i am late once again.


Merry Belated Christmas, all(!)


this season has been draining and my internet addiction is not helping. the weather today is perfect for stoning. i have to go out and do my photojourn assignmt later. i think i know my problem: i don't pray.

one of most pleasant surprises this year was andrew wishing me a merry christmas (even before i msged him). another nice surprise was the present frm karin. i was quite sure it was gonna be crabtree&evelyn cookies but it was even better than tt. i love my baileys.

i'm lagging in everything. i haven't even bought a christmas card to send to denise ott in rouen. i havent returned the nkf donation card which is still empty. i havent read any of my medlaw notes. i haven't caught up with sleep yet. oh well.

listening to: One Man Guy - rufus wainwright

i wonder wat i'll be doing on new years day. i don't really want to spend it with the family; will be going to johnathan and kelly's hse but i'll leave early. maybe i'll sleep through the new yr. maybe i'll find a quiet street corner and read a good book. or maybe i'll lock myself in my room and watch all my episodes of freaks and geeks.

zehzeh got me the À la Folie Pas du Tout vcd and rufus wainwright's poses. i feel stupid to not have known tt rufus wainwright is gay. shit, now who am i gonna marry. it's ok rufus, i still love you. i did not get anyone presents this yr; not tt i do every year... i wanted to make my larson-esque cards but i have no energy this yr. sorry.
maybe if i slept a little more, things wouldnt seem so sombre.




is melancholy out of fashion already?

listening to: Alone - heart

i always dread having one of these yr-end festive things turn into a lousy instance not unlike tt of the eve of new yrs day '03, which resulted in my feeling extremely loserly and lousy. hark! the invalid laments and whines and begs the kind of attention she hasn't gotten since midyr '02. damn you, shitty life, damn you!! ah-ha-ha.

i fell asleep while sitting with my head down on the mrt today and my saliva trickled into my sinus. hmmm, wat a curious feeling.

i also dread tt i will make the same mistake as mummy and marry someone like daddy. he's not a bad person i guess, he just has different priorities. i remember when andrew was talking bout moving out and stuff and he said something bout the money and i was suddenly reminded of daddy and tt really really scared me cos i never thought i'd make such a connection. foolish games, amelia. foolish games.


i guess sometimes just being nice doesn't quite cut it.


listening to: The Color of You - lisa ekdahl

[ The Blower's Daughter - damien rice ]
[ What Am I to You - norah jones ]
[ Turn Your Lights Down Low - bob marley & lauryn hill ]


i want to hear lovely alto harmonies coming frm my mouth. next yr, next yr.


we’re friends bereft of lovers
we’re souls feeling forlorn
lamenting cold beneath the covers,
bathed in saccharine pain.
i’ll forget, i’ll relent, i always say
i’ll not entertain such sentiment
and still we’ll fall again and again.
cos, you know, this feeling won’t just go away.


as i waited for my kaya toast, with the earl grey smell wafting up and warming my face, i was staring at the milky brown wall and i felt myself drift. i found myself wanting to feel intensely sad. i laughed a whole lot today, and pple'd think tt no one can get any happier than i seem to be when i clutch my stomach and try to control my hearty guffaws. but the truth is, when i'm really happy, it'll start with an unconcealable grin tt may or may not develop into laughter. so you see, i've not really been all tt happy for a while now. thank you for those who've concerned themselves with my recent bleakness. i wish positive feelings were as intriguing and compelling as sadness.

Nobody does it better; sometimes I wish someone could.

either someone has really no bowel control, or someone here must really hate my family. at bout 12 this morning, my neighbour ashok rings my doorbell to kindly inform us tt there's a fresh pile of shit sitting outside my door. and it wasnt dog crap ok; it was fucking human shit. WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK DOES SHIT LIKE TT, YOU TELL ME? pun not intended. you dont like my face, you fucking say it to me. don't sneakily defecate outside my door and run down the corridor, conveniently strewing your excrement all over the place.

another thing: just now i got into the lift with emmeline and this chinese fella i don't recognise got in also but didnt press any buttons so i presumed he was visiting one of my neighbours, but when i got out with emme, the fucking idiot flashed me the most perverted looking grin i had ever seen as he watched us walk to my door before taking the lift up to the 8th floor. i should've waited to see if he took the lift back dwn but i was too grossed out. i wish i could say my recent apathy and stoicness has granted me the ability to be unfazed by such depraved instances, but i am now extremely freaked out and i feel haplessly threatened. next time, i'm not leaving the hse without a parang.






i bought my christmas dress today and some other stuff. the crowds along orchard rd nearly swallowed me and karin up. comparable to trying to squeeze into Cheeky Monkeys on a wednesday night after half past midnight. oh ya, and jon's party yesterday was good.

wah lau stupid mummy insists tt i wear a scarf over my xmas dress cos it's 'revealing'...
-It's spaghetti strap.
-Ma, the straps are 1-inch thick!
-SO? it's a thick spaghetti strap.

wat the fuck. somebody obviously does not know her pasta well. BITCH.
i feel particularly antagonised tonight and i need to hit something. i've been getting headaches recently so i think i should stop hitting myself. tonight was spposed to be a good night.

i have to stop doing this, sleeping late and waking up even later. i actually like the feeling of waking up knowing tt i have like 20 hrs ahead to do anything but cos of my sluggish habits i havent had the pleasure of tt in a while. my knees are starting to hurt again and this cant be a good thing. just to give an idea of how dry i've become.. i've been going round telling pple the joke tt zareen's annoying makkel bf told me (as opposed to telling my own funnies).

on a brighter note, zeh zeh took leave today so she could try the recipes she intends to use for her xmas party this sunday. and i've got no class today so i'm helping her with the cooking so at least i'm guaranteed a certain amount of fun today. i refused to let her play any christmas cd cos i'm begining to hate christmas music. but lenny kravitz can have my ears anytime. if i wasnt so musically autistic, i'd be writing my own music and all now and it would be lovely; i have these ideas for all the music videos i'd make too. anyway, Mr Cab Driver is on play now so i will revert my attention to good ole lenny (and frying the pie-filling).



listening to: Lenny Kravitz Greatest Hits

i'm wishing more and more tt someone would come and kidnap me and take me away frm everything i know cos i'm so tired. i'm so tired of everything. i'm sad and i can't even cry. i'm so tired and yet i can't sleep. i'm loved but i don't love. i want to die but every day i can only amass enough strength to forget to feed myself so tt i rot slowly away. it's never been this bad; where did this come from?

sorry, ravi maan. i won.


rang the doorbell twice and then opened the door to the an empty hse and the smell of our christmas tree. i was sad tt there wasnt anyone to greet me but it was good too cos then i didn't feel obliged to account for the sad, tired look on my face.

my dinner of overcooked lamb roast with the french beans and instant mash potatos was waiting for me in the microwave. i sat down at the dining table and poked at the food, stoning at it in between bites. i've always imagined tt if my life were ever made into a movie, it'd be pretty abstract and a bit like Last Life in the Universe. you don't know the things i do, the things i do when i'm alone.


whose lips these are i used to know
from whom do crimson liquids flow
corn cracker becomes my favourite friend
to my saddened self its sweetness lends


having my ass kiss the floor for 4 hrs straight does me no good. i had company for most part but having nothing to look forward to was barely enjoyable. thank god for my cap without which i would have felt like an even greater loser than i already was/am. also, i hate andrew's friends, especially tt stupid chibai-faced chinese guy he was sitting with today. i think i can't stand all of them with the exception of deny cos deny is nice. i'm not saying andrew should change his friends; i don't give a fuck really.

rusty nail drilled through my head
i'm hanging frm the wall
dangled right above the ledge
just in case i fall


Doing it for my baby:

i want to see you come to life
i want to give you love
i'm saving part of me for you
and him whom you're made of


i'm sitting on the part of the semi circle tt's parallel to the floor and tt's why i'm still. i made my way up here and frm here it's down down down.

i dreamt yesterday tt i saw him again, plotting. and i didn't tell anyone and then he came after me. i screamed for adam to open the gate and i rushed in just in time. later, news reached us tt some kid had had his brains blown out. and i knew it was all my fault. i woke with the feeling of the rifle pressing into the back of my neck. how many times can a bad dream happen and who will save me from self destruction?

Into the orchard I walk peering way past the gate
Wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait
Drained by the coldest caress, stalking shadows ahead
Halo of death, all I see is departure
Mourner's lament but it's me who's the martyr

[ Harvest- opeth ]

saturday - which was yesterday, which was a few hrs ago - was the worst day i can remember having. so empty and so thoughtless. like.. 24 hrs of haunting, taunting vacuum, so destitute of meaning.

just the other day, i looked up frm my pasta to find charlene giving me a concerned look. i didn't realise i'd been wearing an extremely triste expression. i guess it comes bout frm having little to smile at these days. i'm not like tt usually. normally my moods go up down up down but now, they just fade away, leaving nothing. nothing. i do try to do stuff tt i think will lift my spirits but everything just makes me feel more kangkor. i think it's like i turn off the lights and close my eyes and wake up the next day to darkness because the the sun got spoilt and the last bulb on earth blew so i'm stuck in the black and it wont matter anymore whether or not my eyes are open. now i wish i could trick myself into being happy by drawing pictures of ice cream and the pearly gates, like i used to when i was in younger.

baby clive's bday party soon. i wanna swim but i dont wanna wax so i cant. maybe i'll stay home and do M1 research which i haven't started. maybe i'll go for a movie with daddy. maybe i will die tomorrow and then you can be my first and last. i guess i don't really love pple; i'm merely extremely concerned with/for them.

listening to: Hungarian Dance, gheorghe zamfir

i'm shit-tired. the 6- and 7-hr breaks are draining. and i haven't been able to sleep - at home and on the mrt and in sch.

not long after i embarked on my arduous latest journey to lalaland, i felt a vibe run through my body and my blanket tighten itself round me, then the bed began to quiver. i usually buat bodoh and adjust myself and the blanket but i was too tired. i just wished it would go away. is there a faster route?

if nothing happens within the next 7 days, i think i will just waste away. i've been feeling like everything's a drag. has it all really become this boring or am i just getting less resourceful? i think i've been expecting something to happen but nothing's happening so i feel cheated... by myself. errrr........zzzzz.

i wish it were tt easy; just drop by the store and buy myself a muse. how nice. but good things tt are hard to find give more mmph.

mundane news:
- our client for adv ad is M1. we better not fuck this up.
- i find the photojourn lecturer slightly annoying. wat's more annoying was having to sit on uncomfortable chairs for 3hrs.
- CTV is throwing some party at rouge. all proceeds go to charity and it's gonna be rnb music so i guess i'll be there.
- the highlight of my day was med(ia)law lecture.
- joshua's subtly flirting with me today and yesterday has renewed my suspicions (and karol's) tt he likes me. i wish swiping my armed&ready cap and refusing to return it and then holding on to my hand while threatening to spit gum into it excited me greatly but it just didn't and doesn't.
- taking shana and hanson out to watch some IMAX show tmr. hope the brats dont wear me out; tt's the last thing i need. i'm losing it... i'm losing it...

Triviality is the mot du jour.

Your head will collapse but there's nothing in it so you ask yourself: where is my mind? where is my mind? where is my mind?

everyone has posted their jalan raya pictures and i shall consciously refrain frm conforming (minding the fact tt i have little pictures tt are worth showing).


last night's movies marathon at daddy's was almost non-existent. watched a bit of once upon a time in america before jon decided he needed smokes. didnt know of any mama shop at daddy's hse tt opened so late so we- kawan maan, jonjon and myself- strolled to holland v to buy jon's rokoks and ended up meeting up with gad and his new girl to have some drinks. it's not tt muthu (as gad insisted we call her) was overtly annoying or anything. it's just tt despite my attempts to be affable, she displayed wat came across as a cavalier disinterest in getting to know any of us and tt kindof affronted my innate niceness. then mummy called and said i couldnt stay at daddy's hse with jon cos he's a guy. But he's GAY, ma! she made some pretty lame excuses but i didn't want to cucuk her anymore so i just relented. wat a bloody waste. tant fucking pis...

Oh, you cheeky DJ!
if only the durg could've come for movies. but... the good indian girl's 'bad' decision to stay out late the night before had incurred the wrath of her good indian mother. of course, all these vices were introduced by none other than two undecidedly-good chinese girls and one 'bad' indian girl. (why am i talking like this?.. wat's wrong with me? wat's wrong with me?!?!) it all started when i had heard tt new destiny's child song and suddenly decided i had to dance to it, and wat better place to do tt than cheekys. hurhur. this, of course, now has me vying with ravi for the title of Loser of the World (but still i Lowe u welly welly much, raWi!). i also have to confess tt i was shamelessly drooling over the DJ the whole night (see: a handsomer version of beda bhai). and also, cheeky's is an idiot to sell a shot of baileys for 12$. tt said, i am an even bigger idiot for buying the shots. ok, so i'm not really a teetotaller; anything creamy and sweet is an always an exception. i wnat to try tt nice cadbury drink thing karin was just telling me bout. wah.

during the aforementioned movie marathon tt became a boring sit round session at Tango's, i had to be a super eksi yaya borak head and order a baileys. halfway through it, my chest tightened (no, it didn't get bigger), my face got hotter (no, it didn't get prettier) and i started getting palpitations donc, ravi had to down the other half. boooh.

ian s/o mother's sister just invited me to go china black tonight. funny cos i was mentioning the other day tt i wanted to go there one day to lookseelooksee.
adam is selling his black semi acoustic. anyone interested, tell me ah.
i am a Decipher groupie. i'm gonna dwnld dead skin mask.
i woke up just before 4pm today.

everyone must go scroll down now and have a look at the hot sexy bitch tt graces this blog (the french words are just there to make me look cleverer than you, unless of course you understand them, in which case you are just a snooty francophile. booh yoo!). Next, scroll further down to see the even sexier plus-sized bag of sweet innoncence.

Santa, this Christmas, i want to be a jellybean {:o)

A thought or two, a million for you.


you make me satisfied
you only want to ride
but that's alright by me;
we happen to be free
fr what tomorrow brings
no peace and broken wings
it may have been so good
but now it's understood
'twas just a night

`````

how many times did we give up
but we always worked things out
and all my doubts and fear
kept me wondering
if i'd always be in love

`````

we're not grey people, we're not dirty, we're not mean
we love everybody but we do as we please

`````

life is evil when you don't get what you want
memories can serve as ghosts
they'll tease and haunt you
when you spend your nights up late
wondering all about your fate

`````

you take the high road and I'll take the low road...
Sometimes I wish to God I didn't know now
the things I didn't know then

`````

and that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
it touches my foolish heart
lovely... never, ever change
keep that breathless charm
won't you please arrange it cos I love you

`````

turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don't patronise,
don't patronise me

Troublé par l'ennui et perdue à temps,
je traite en ami la vanité;
j'obsède avec me sublimer.