i have dinner tonight with some of the BCs cos makcik nor is goign to oklahoma to finish up her degree. they wanna eat near selegie and the thought of being near little india is making my stomach silly with sick. my toes are curling and the palpitations are gonna split my chest open. i'm not trying to be drama; i haven't felt this anxious in a while, especially over something tt doesn't require me to perform on stage.

i've been thinking bout why i've been feeling the way i've been feeling about this whole thing and doing this helps me deal with it. i've been quite good at avoiding his facebook profile despite not deleting it. i relegated his name to my "ZZfrens" list on msn so tt i don't have to look at his stupid personal msg (the comment you cna insert after your nickname). why don't you just delete his name altogether? good question. i half don't know but i think it makes me feel better knowing tt it's there and i'm building the strength not to look at it. it's always comforting to know where i'm at in terms of personal progress. i realised last night how grateful i am to be back here. i left my tears behind so this is a good place to start again.




colouring tt me and dylan did at sweetlips fish & chips shop in freo. i only did the seaweed. i loved the way he had coloured the fish. and he'd put a lot of effort into it as well. one of my favourite pictures because it was a side of dylan not many pple got to see and it made me feel special and it made me feel he was even more special to me too. i had to take a picture of it before i threw it away.




found this in my stationery case while clearing out my room which will now be brendon's room.


the last supper i cooked for the guys in our set kitchen. stew, using ingredients alex dumped on us frm his stash and frm nat's hse- beef sausages, cabbage, carrots, canned potato leek soup, garlic, onion. with fried corned beef and rice. yum.





my door, before i left. many thanks to alex who showed his support in my diffcult time by occasionally stopping by to embellish dylan's name with illegible scribbles and surrounding it with fuckyous, sampat (i'm guessing he meant sampah), and a good punch in the nether region. i love you too, alex {:o)




















SINGAPORE. i tried to clean up the heaps of personal knick-knacks tt i've been hoarding since eons ago. got pics of a few of the interesting things i've found. lots of other stuff i forgot to take pics of but here's some of the things i never even remembered i had.






i used to keep bus tickets to make bracelets by wrapping them round rubber bands and then varnishing them. i couldn't find any of the braceelts.. they wore out pretty quick so i guess i buang'd them the last springcleaning. but anwyay, sbs tickets went with red ruberbands and the rarer yellow trans-island tickets went with the rarer green rubberbands. budget for jewellery=0$.

daddy was always good to me even though i was always mean to him. i wish i'd learnt earlier how to appreciate the stories he told bout his childhood. now tt i think bout it, they were really interesting but i was a too young to understand tt. he took trans-island buses way more often than me so he collected a whole load of them 'rare' yellow tickets. trouble is i never had enough green rubberbands. i don't even remember tt i had those old mt fraser tickets he mailed me. still, efforts much appreciated. thanks, dad. love you too.


i also found a chinese "essay" i wrote in sec2. i'm surprised the laoshi even gave me 50%. how kind. don't even recall doing this but tt's my writing allright.









terribly written, but my chinese is still so bad, i can't even tell right now how i'd improve it cos i simply don't know how. haha. anyhow, for fodder, it's pretty apt right now. i'm glad to be back.

BACK. and it feels better than ever. {:oD

Discover The Weepies!

pretty pretty song. makes me feel calm.

I hope you're feeling happy now
I see you feel no pain at all it seems
I wonder what you're doin' now
I wonder if you think of me at all
do you still play the same moves now
or are those special moods for someone else
I hope you're feeling happy now

just because you feel good,
doesn't make you right, oh no
just because you feel good
still want you here tonight

does laughter still discover you
I see through all the smiles that look so right
do you still have the same friends now
to smoke away your problems and your life
and how do you remember me
the one that made you laugh until you cried
I hope you're feeling happy now

just because you feel good
doesn't make you right, oh no
just because you feel good
still want you here tonight, want you..

oh, no, just because you feel good
doesn't make you right, oh no
just because you feel good
still want you here tonight, want you..

I wonder what you're doing now
I hope you're feeling happy now
I wonder what you're doing now
I hope you're feeling happy now


:: Hedonism - skunk anansie


i haven't run out of tears, it seems. last night we found out who it was, me and karin. i saw their pictures and i felt like everything was so unfair. she's so young. i bitched, i cried and cried, and still i wonder why. the pictures he takes with her looks like those we used to take cept it used to be me. he looks exactly the same. really makes you wonder doesn't it. seems like he's letting himself be used. i duno what i think of tt but, it's just an observation for now. he's taking her to bali. and it makes me feel bad knowing tt i know exactly where in bali cos he told me 2 months ago tt he'd take me there. i wonder if this girl knows wat she wants in him; are they the same things tt i wanted?

packing up my room now and throwing things out. where do the memories go? i'm not crying tonight (not predictively- or deontically-speaking, but descriptively). nora asked me out to city today and i showed her all my cool northbridge shops. made me feel a bit better. feel a sliver of hopefulness. but it doesn't make any wrongs right, you know?

more BAD NEWS!

channelnewsasia has not failed to maintain the slide in their journalistic standards. you know, if once or twice- i'd take it as an anomaly. but they just keep proving me wrong. what the fuck is -this-?? primary school ah? nvm the structure, but my goodness the english. WTF. appalling sia.

"And if you are ready, Dennis he is about to share a true ghost story with us."

"..he chose to keep mum, bit his teeth and got over with the filming.."

"The director was still oblivious to what was happening until the moment when they were taking the last shot, the director started coughing badly."

it sounds to me like CNA badly needs a subeditor. i know it's time to cut costs but this isn't the way to do it at all, guys.. especially if the editor seems so unabashed about passing off such substandard articles as being newsworthy. it's not someone's blog- it's supposed to be our national news channel. and, if this was directly lifted from a radio interview transcript then all i have to say is WTF. why not have something more singaporeans would be interested in.. say, "How the Lees spend their defamation moolah". i'm not so bothered with what foreigners think of our media, but more with the nonsense that sporeans have to put up with.

so bout this gig right, it's some church function thing. 29 dec - can i make it? wait wait i write in my organiser and then i realised eh alamak why this uwa diary only got until 28 dec. "how lame," i remarked. and he said,"no. it's destiny. the 29 of dec gig is the start of something important. so can ah."

i liked tt. makes me feel like i have something to look forward to. i haven't had that since ten days ago.

gavin spoke to me on msn the other day. random since our interaction is often limited to random eh hi's round the hall; not because we don't like each other but cos tt's just the way things go in life, you know. so anyway, he says he saw my fb status and wanted to ask how i was. it's not tt i think no one cares but i'm really surprised when pple do this. so i tell the truth: could be better.

chunky monkey:
be strong.

JOAQUIN~:
trying not to think too much
thanks

chunky monkey:
haha if u feel bad
u can think of how strong gavin is
HAHA
i kid

JOAQUIN~:
HAHAHHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

chunky monkey:
k tt was meant to be funny..

JOAQUIN~:
ok iwill rememeber tt hahaa

chunky monkey:
but i didnt expect such a huge response

JOAQUIN~:
it was funny hahah
i totaslly wasnt expecting tt

chunky monkey:
what
dont i give u the impression tt im strong

JOAQUIN~:
i mean i wasnt expecting you to say tt

chunky monkey:
jeez

JOAQUIN~:
hahaha thanks ttwas funny

chunky monkey:
i rem the last time round u sent out this msg on ip
'morning has broken; so has my heart'
WAHLAO. do u remember tt. drama

JOAQUIN~:
hah when was tt > oh was tt last yr?
when i broke up with my other bf

chunky monkey:
i think it was 6am during exam time

JOAQUIN~:
haha wow i neevr realised i was so poetic
haha yaya

chunky monkey:
pls LOR same lah. can attach a song to the msg somemore

JOAQUIN~:
haha wat song i sent ah? haha

chunky monkey:
tsk michelle branch

JOAQUIN~:
hahaha oh ya hahahhaa funny

chunky monkey:
good tt u know. hope u didnt do the same thing again

JOAQUIN~:
you never get my msg this timw round? the otehr day i sent out a msg with a song also

chunky monkey:
im not on ip

JOAQUIN~:
oh ya

chunky monkey:
did u really send another one

JOAQUIN~:
i sent A&E by goldfrapp
and i said "pain is an accident. so is love" ya

chunky monkey:
can u pls change pattern

JOAQUIN~:
and then yesterday i sent out a funny song. called "i'll kill her" by soKo. and i jyst wrote "funny song"

chunky monkey:
alamak invading ppl's privacy

JOAQUIN~:
i cannot express myself properly wat. must speak in song

chunky monkey:
growl
roar
i like to do tt.
sounds can do the job.

JOAQUIN~:
i duno how to share sorrow , only know how to share joy
so let the song do it for me lah. good right
hahahaha wtf gavin haahhaaa

chunky monkey:
its part of my nature
im abit animalistic

JOAQUIN~:
okok thanks. i had to know hah

chunky monkey:
everyone has their animal side

JOAQUIN~:
mm true

chunky monkey:
but not everyone is a gorilla/tiger/lion

JOAQUIN~:
HAHAHAHAHAA well lucky you , then

chunky monkey:
laugh at me again

JOAQUIN~:
hahaha

chunky monkey:
thanks

JOAQUIN~:
no no laugh WITH you? cmon.. laugh along

chunky monkey:
ur like a bird person

JOAQUIN~:
eee

chunky monkey:
u always give me a floating on air vibe

JOAQUIN~:
hahaha floating air? how come
floating on air i mean

chunky monkey:
ur like a 21st century hippie
the vibe u give me

JOAQUIN~:
aw.. thanks
i like tt.. "21st century hippie". sounds good

chunky monkey:
hahaha
keep the name then
its yours

JOAQUIN~:
hah thanks
im actaully scared of heights though.. so i dont think id liek to be a brid

chunky monkey:
k i need to study
cant make u smile forever

JOAQUIN~:
ya ya me too
hahah
thanks anyway
that was a nice gesture
mcuh appreciated

chunky monkey:
there are flightless birds

JOAQUIN~:
oh ya ah
ok can. i be bird then.

chunky monkey:
like turkey

JOAQUIN~:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA
okok go study. all the best for your papers

chunky monkey:
(smiley)

JOAQUIN~:
(very smiley smiley)

chunky monkey:
(hug)

JOAQUIN~:
(sheep)
mornite

"Oh don't talk of love" the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
"Don't talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that's ever true
There's nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do... "
Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream's the same
Every night I burn

:: Burn - the cure


zac's asking me to play an xmas gig for his friend. considering. he wants to "make a name" for ourselves. i'm not terribly interested in tt, really. i wanna make pple feel good and tt's bout it.

shower. wake up early. please.

i had a merman. i only had one. mine.

mummy, where is my merman?

... quelqu'un m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore, c'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore. Serais-ce possible alors ? (carla bruni)

et c'était toi, toi qui me l'a dit ça. mais est-ce que tu le dirais maintenant?


Hit me in the gut like a brick through a window, left me in the gutter like a wet news rag. Sitting alone, thinking out the times we never had, cos you were my life. (nofx)

It's only lies that I'm living. It's only tears that i'm crying. It's only you that i'm losing. Guess I'm doing fine. (beck)

I miss you and me. Is it done and over this time? Have we really changed our minds bout each other's love, all the feelings that we used to share. I refuse to believe that you don't care. (klymaxx)

.. I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep. And it's been ten days without you in my reach, And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep. But time has changed nothing at all; you're still the only one that feels like home. I've tried cutting the ropes, tried letting go. You're still the only one that feels like home. So tell me, did you really think... oh tell me, did you really think I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore? (missy higgins)

Another party's over and I'm left cold sober. My baby left me for somebody new. I don't wanna talk about it, want to forget about it. Wanna be intoxicated with that special brew. So come and get me (queen)

Anyone whos ever had a heart wouldn't turn around and break it. And anyone whos ever played a part wouldn't turn around and hate it (cowboy junkies)

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead. I try and tell myself it'll be all right. I just shouldn't think anymore tonight cos dreams last for so long, even after you're gone. (jewel)

Knowing all the ins and outs of you, I should've known what was on your mind. But all the world is spinning round and round inside my head tonight. I will fall into the darkness and I fear I will never see the light... Through no light the darkness seems to be so very strong. How does one alone against the world find the strength to carry on? What happened to the way we used to love? It seemed as though life had just begun; but now that love has come and gone to fade away, like the setting sun. Cos you won't let me in. (save ferris)

Feels like Im wasting my time, hanging on this same old line. Got to get you off of my mind; theres nothing left for me to find. And all the more I want, all the more I need but all the while you want something more. Theres nothing left for me to say, wanting what I need this way. And when Im feeling low I know I need to stop (train)

I tune into love, then I see it all start to crumble. I needed your heart. (little birdy)

Where are we? what the hell is going on? The dust has only just begun to form. Crop circles in the carpet. Sinking feeling. Spin me round again and rub my eyes, this can't be happening. When busy streets amass with people would stop to hold their heads heavy... Oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life. Mmm what you say- that you only meant well? well of course you did. Mmm what you say- that it's all for the best? Of course it is. Mmm what you say- that it's just what we need. You decided this. What you say? What did you say? (imogen heap)

Love of my life, don't leave me. You've taken my love and now desert me. Love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back. don't take it away from me because you don't know what it means to me. You will remember when this is blown over and everything's all by the way. When I grow older, I will be there at your side to remind you how I still love you. I still love you. (queen)


i was a good holiday, wasn't i, dylan? oh god..i feel sick again.

When you go, would you even turn to say
"I don't love you like I did yesterday"

:: I Don't Love You - my chemical romance

:: Brick - ben folds five

decided today to find out wat this song was really about cos i've always wondered. it's apparently about ben folds and his then partner getting an abortion. and now i'm listening to it and understanding the words, it's strangely chilling.

(i still want dylan's babies.)

i'll always remember that mummy once told me tt every song has a story. this was years and years ago, like in pri sch and i don't even remember what we were talking bout. i think i'd just asked her what a particular song was about. anyway, tt comment always stuck hard and fast and after tt, i couldn't stop listening to songs just for their stories. it made a lot of difference once i knew what a song was about. brought listening to music to a whole new level.

sometimes i think bout the things i remember from my childhood: the time my K2 teacher ling-laoshi shared her jacket with me - she used one arm and i used the other and it was so funny to my 6 yr old self. it's still funny now actually. i duno wat the hell we were doing but i'll always remember it. the time a kindergarten classmate told me tt "you're welcome" in chinese was bie ke qi. the first day of pri sch when i was so nervous i puked all over the sch stairs even before class started. and mummy came running back cos she had just said goodbye and she said an older girl was gonna help me but she saw mummy coming so she went bout her own thing. and tt really touched me- tt she wanted to help. when i was 6 and we were taking 228 to the interchange and i got my favourite seat (the single seat right in front tt only the old old buses used to have. and then an old lady came up carrying groceries and asked me in chinese if she could have the seat cos she was tired and she was really grateful when i gave up my seat. i didn't think bout how it mattered but when i went to sit with mummy, she praised me for being a good girl. i was really confused, having little conception of how small or simple gestures fit into the bigger world. i just gave her the seat cos she asked, simple as tt; why these adults so strange, like tt also must make a big deal. but anyway, it kind of put the world into perspective for me- if i could make pple happy just by being obliging like tt, tt'd be pretty cool.

sometimes i think bout the things i remember from my childhood and i remember the things pple did or said tt always stuck with me. and, just out of pure curiosity, i wonder how many pple will be thinking of me in the same way.

just when i thought i'd run out of tears.

i don't know anymore.

i'm giving dylan's things to charity. some guy in the hall is going to bali with his gf for volunteer work and is asking for donations. i'm giving a bunch of my clothes, including my blue dylan shirt. tt i love so much. i think it will do me good to stop looking at it though. dylan's two shirts. his special edition Annie dvd. i'm sure the kids in bali will enjoy tt one. i'm not doing this out of spite; anyway dylan wouldn't have minded giving to a good cause. he always talked bout the time he did volunteer work in east timor. i felt bad giving away his dvd but i know he won't mind. he's like a little boy, dylan. and an escapist. tt's one of the reasons why we always needed row wow around. it was difficult for him to say sorry, it was difficult for him to be mushy, but row wow could do all tt cos she was a cute stuffed toy dog. she'd kick him when he said mean things to me, and she'd threaten not to share her food with him, and she'd kiss me and make it all ok. and when i think bout it sometimes, i feel the worst for row wow right now. imagine being a child caught in the middle of all this.. she'll have to deal with having a new momma row. will she be good to my little baby? it hurts.

one of the reasons why i loved dylan (and never told him bout) was tt i saw beneath his hardy exterior, a boy wanting to love, wanting to be loved, wanting to do just wat he wanted. sometimes he was mean, angry and curt but when he learned to accommodate me in his life, it was beautiful. because love is about compromise.. right? i really respected tt dylan never compromised his happiness for anything. but i guess tt's also why he's with someone else today. i wish it could've been me to make him the happiest in the world. it hurts.

i duno what hurts more. i see myself being able- though it will take a while- to come to terms with the fact that he left me because he was being true to himself. if this is indeed the way fate (see:God) will have it for him. but what pains me so much right now is tt he never bothered to tell me. not even through Row wow. maybe row wow was too busy crying. it's crazy tt he would think leaving without saying goodbye would be the best for me, assuming he spared me a thought. it's hard for me to come to terms with this, all while believing tt what we had was great and true and tt the promises he had made were honest ones in the time tt they were made. it's crudely dissonant. and it hurts.

i woke up today with the thought floating around me tt there's no such thing as free love. love is never free. i don't mean this in terms of cost really; but once you give your love to something, it pretty much attaches itself to the thing you're giving it to, and this kind of entails you getting tied up as well. i can personally vouch for the wonderful feeling this brings. love held on to by the giver and the given. the only problem is when someone lets go. love sticks on. it's never free. i knew there was a catch...

maybe it's tt aussie girl carrie. good for him then, maybe now he can go and get his stupid aussie pr which i never really cared about. it's killing me that i know so little. i feel sick i think i need to puke.

:: I'll Kill Her - soKo

HAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHA!!!! thanks karin {:oD


...
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away

i would have met your friends, we would have had a drink or two
they would have liked me, 'cause sometimes i'm funny
i would have met your dad, i would have met your mum
she would have said "please, can you make some beautiful babies?"

so we would have had a boy called tom and a girl called susan, born in japan
...

wat a classic. with the french accent and all tt reminds me of tiphaine. hah.

pain is an accident. so is love. and i'm accident-prone. he told me i was the best thing that ever happened to him and tt no one else ever loved him as much but that he had found someone he could love more.

i'm the best but apparently not best enough.

i can't stop the raining, the raining in my heart. before i found out last night, i had decided in the morning that i was gonna wait. i knew he had problems and i said i think i'll wait them out. i refused to believe that someone who loved me so much would just leave it without a good reason. he told me before that his exgf had left him without a single word, without telling him why and he searched months and months for her only to find out she went to becoem someone's mistress. and he said that if i ever left, he'd search the world for me because i'm worth all that and more. i thought bout that and so i decided to wait.

it hurts so much. we were gonna get married. we had already named our kids, remember? this sucks. and don't worry- i already changed my mind bout the waiting.

:: A & E - goldfrapp

just for now. get me outta here get me outta here get me outta here.

i can't stop the raining inside. why why why why. why would you do something like tt. why would you hurt me like tt. i guess you don't miss me so much anymore then. why. why why why why why why why. why, dylan?

it's pouring in my heart.

wat's worse than finding out i just got dumped via my facebook is my parents finding out i just got dumped via their facebook. and then calling me to ask me what it was all bout.

it's been a shit past two weeks. contracted two viruses - one flu-like, one rashes tt are killer-itchy. tt's not even the worst. i dont like wallowing in self-pity but the ast two weeks i've just been breaking down and having crying attacks. i wake up, i feel like dying, throughout the day i find myself constantly holding back tears. i just wanted to go home. you know? i hate being unproductive in times when unproductivity has no meaningful end. this semester, work seems harder than usual and i know that it's just me. it's not like the work is getting ridiculously harder. it's just me. and it's frustrating cos i duno what's going on with me. everyday i wake up and all i can think of is how much i don't wanna be here. and when dylan called me, he'd say how much he wants to be in perth and it just doesn't make me feel any better. [occasionally he makes comments bout how i don't understand cos my family and my friends are all so well off. i cannot disagree where family is concerned- not everyone in my family is rich but we all live relatively comfortably but all through hard work. i don't feel it's fair to say all my friends are rich cos he's only met the ones in perth and obviously the ones who are here are fortunate enough to have the resources to be here.

it's almost comical, the thing tt has kept me going the past few days. i'm glad to have friends like joe and malcolm who look out for me. in a discussion bout jambans and tandas over dinner on fri or sat, joe said to someone: You think you're getting shit? Thank God you're not a toilet bowl! they get shit everyday.

i thought bout tt seriously because i'd been REALLY feeling so crappy. and it made me smile. so at mass on sunday, i said to God: Thanks for not making me a toilet bowl. and then i had to control my laughter for the rest of the mass.

today was a good day till somewhere round 9.20. i stayed up all night and all day to force 2500 words out of my ass and finally handed in the music essay at 3.29pm. it felt so good knowing i was so much closer to being home. called dylan to wish him belated birthday and to ask why he hadn't called me and when did he get back from KL and tt row wow couldn't find him at the sausage factory. (he was at work, and i was calling from my hp "ok ok you go work. byebyedahling. love you!" "okok bye bye"). then recieved an email frm french embassy telling me tt my application for job in new caledonia had past the due date so no more NC job for me. then dinner, free yoga class then watched some touching video on the oprah site tt got me crying in less than a min. then sarah palin prank video etc. and then-- i don't know why it's taken me so long to come to this point, but we're here anyway----- then i logged onto facebook and found out tt my boyfriend had unceremoniously dumped me this morning circa 5.15.