i'm going to go to sleep and wake in an hour to decide how to spend the last hrs of this year. most pple have the tendency to do some sort of reflection at the end of the yr but this year has rolled in and will soon be out so here's mine, quickly.

it is with a stoned sadness tt i admit tt i can't recall much of this year, or at least not in a very coherent way. everything's just a jumble and the passing of this parade seems nothing more than a very long one night stand (or at least it's how i presume the latter would feel).

it's sickening how much grace is upon me sometimes, but i'm grateful for the absence of calamities in my life. i was enjoying my food at simpang just now when i realised tt i was no longer feeling down the way i was a few wks ago, and i smiled inside cos tt would have been a horrible way to end the yr. i won't lament how uneventful and impertinent this yr seems compared to 02.
i guess there isn't anything really special bout the new year. it could have been yesterday, a day in may, or even my birthday, but it just happened tt this particular 24 hrs leads up to a certain 1st of january tt happens to be on a separate calender frm the preceding 24 hrs. but maybe we adamantly insist on making such a hoohaa bout it cos we want to feel like we've changed or are going to change. no, there's nothing wrong with tt.

Where is my master the rebel prince
Who will shut all of these windows
It's these windows all around me
It's these windows who are telling me
To rid my dirty mind of all of its preciousness
(rufus wainwright)


i still love andrew in a way tt i can't love anyone else.
i desperately need a change in my life (see: travel, get a job, watever).
i want to start saving a bit more of my own money.
i want to stop being so dependent.
i want to feel fit again.
i want to pray more.
i want to know the joy of writing a song tt pple will love.
i want to experience new things.
i want to do something(someone?) tt i love.


Let's just get naked
Just for a laugh
Let's just get naked
It's a trip and a half
(joan osborne)

i was made to go to a church just now and kneel and pray in the adoration room. i've always wanted so much to be good (just as much as i want to be bad) but i'm constantly find myself stifled by an awkwardness tt i can't handle. still, i want so much for the world to be good and kind and for pain to be ameliorated in a way tt will keep us loving but not forgetting how to hurt.

i was spposed to make a trip to lalaland 2 hrs ago but i'm still writing this.
and this is me. see you next year.

listening to: Child Psychology - black box recorder

"Life is unfair,
Kill yourself or get over it."

mm. sweet.

i sometimes imagine somehting bad happening to either of my 3 parents and i get very sad. mummy said tt if she and uncle jeffrey had gone to phuket this season, they probably would've been swept away, knowing how much they like to stroll in the early morning along patong beach in phuket. for someone as fortunate as myself, i don't pray enough. with regards to this close shave, julius says tt maybe God is giving me chance. Thank God.

yesterday, met my 4th floor neighbour hafiz for the first time, despite the fact tt we've lived in the same block for the past 4 yrs and have both been going to np for the past 3 yrs (then along came wholivesnearyou.com). so anyway, took bus-mrt-bus back with him (also bumped into kumar on the train) and 3 of us spent most of the trip reflecting on being np east-enders.

i've been getting lots of pple asking wat i'm gonna do after graduation and i've never really written it down.. so here's the rough plan:
1) Organise trekking trip round spore with julius and whoever else
2) Go on trekking trip (duh)
3) Hop on a flight to beijing and stay there for at least a week
4) Come back frm china and find a part time job
5) Muster motivation to get fit, take driving lessons/test and DELF A1 and A2 ('tis a french diploma thingy)
6) Scrape together savings to buy 2-way ticket to rouen (revisit rouen)
7) Look for interesting job to do and/or interesting sch to attend and/or interesting guy to screw.


listening to: Seaside Rendezvous - queen

i do realise tt all tt i've listed (save for the last one) would require quite a bit of money in total (estimated S$3350 excl rouen). i must consciously start saving to avoid going bankrupt before i set foot in motherland china.

i'm surprised at how shocked and upset i was upon discovering rufus wainwright's unfavourable sexual orientation. but really, i wanna be a gay man if tt means being one step closer to fucking him. oh God, help me, i'm so vulgar.

daddy left for genting last night. i got paranoid and tried to dissuade him. Got earthquake.. don't go genting lah, i said, always childishly and consciously avoiding any hints of affinity for him. No lah, he replied. I will explain seismic geology to u later. hmph.. how comforting, i think to myself; but tt's daddy i guess. at least if he never gets back, i am left with a bittersweet irony of a joke to remember him by.

listening to: Who's That Girl - eurythmics

testament to my procrastinating nature, i am late once again.


Merry Belated Christmas, all(!)


this season has been draining and my internet addiction is not helping. the weather today is perfect for stoning. i have to go out and do my photojourn assignmt later. i think i know my problem: i don't pray.

one of most pleasant surprises this year was andrew wishing me a merry christmas (even before i msged him). another nice surprise was the present frm karin. i was quite sure it was gonna be crabtree&evelyn cookies but it was even better than tt. i love my baileys.

i'm lagging in everything. i haven't even bought a christmas card to send to denise ott in rouen. i havent returned the nkf donation card which is still empty. i havent read any of my medlaw notes. i haven't caught up with sleep yet. oh well.

listening to: One Man Guy - rufus wainwright

i wonder wat i'll be doing on new years day. i don't really want to spend it with the family; will be going to johnathan and kelly's hse but i'll leave early. maybe i'll sleep through the new yr. maybe i'll find a quiet street corner and read a good book. or maybe i'll lock myself in my room and watch all my episodes of freaks and geeks.

zehzeh got me the À la Folie Pas du Tout vcd and rufus wainwright's poses. i feel stupid to not have known tt rufus wainwright is gay. shit, now who am i gonna marry. it's ok rufus, i still love you. i did not get anyone presents this yr; not tt i do every year... i wanted to make my larson-esque cards but i have no energy this yr. sorry.
maybe if i slept a little more, things wouldnt seem so sombre.




is melancholy out of fashion already?

listening to: Alone - heart

i always dread having one of these yr-end festive things turn into a lousy instance not unlike tt of the eve of new yrs day '03, which resulted in my feeling extremely loserly and lousy. hark! the invalid laments and whines and begs the kind of attention she hasn't gotten since midyr '02. damn you, shitty life, damn you!! ah-ha-ha.

i fell asleep while sitting with my head down on the mrt today and my saliva trickled into my sinus. hmmm, wat a curious feeling.

i also dread tt i will make the same mistake as mummy and marry someone like daddy. he's not a bad person i guess, he just has different priorities. i remember when andrew was talking bout moving out and stuff and he said something bout the money and i was suddenly reminded of daddy and tt really really scared me cos i never thought i'd make such a connection. foolish games, amelia. foolish games.


i guess sometimes just being nice doesn't quite cut it.


listening to: The Color of You - lisa ekdahl

[ The Blower's Daughter - damien rice ]
[ What Am I to You - norah jones ]
[ Turn Your Lights Down Low - bob marley & lauryn hill ]


i want to hear lovely alto harmonies coming frm my mouth. next yr, next yr.


we’re friends bereft of lovers
we’re souls feeling forlorn
lamenting cold beneath the covers,
bathed in saccharine pain.
i’ll forget, i’ll relent, i always say
i’ll not entertain such sentiment
and still we’ll fall again and again.
cos, you know, this feeling won’t just go away.


as i waited for my kaya toast, with the earl grey smell wafting up and warming my face, i was staring at the milky brown wall and i felt myself drift. i found myself wanting to feel intensely sad. i laughed a whole lot today, and pple'd think tt no one can get any happier than i seem to be when i clutch my stomach and try to control my hearty guffaws. but the truth is, when i'm really happy, it'll start with an unconcealable grin tt may or may not develop into laughter. so you see, i've not really been all tt happy for a while now. thank you for those who've concerned themselves with my recent bleakness. i wish positive feelings were as intriguing and compelling as sadness.

Nobody does it better; sometimes I wish someone could.

either someone has really no bowel control, or someone here must really hate my family. at bout 12 this morning, my neighbour ashok rings my doorbell to kindly inform us tt there's a fresh pile of shit sitting outside my door. and it wasnt dog crap ok; it was fucking human shit. WHAT KIND OF SICK FUCK DOES SHIT LIKE TT, YOU TELL ME? pun not intended. you dont like my face, you fucking say it to me. don't sneakily defecate outside my door and run down the corridor, conveniently strewing your excrement all over the place.

another thing: just now i got into the lift with emmeline and this chinese fella i don't recognise got in also but didnt press any buttons so i presumed he was visiting one of my neighbours, but when i got out with emme, the fucking idiot flashed me the most perverted looking grin i had ever seen as he watched us walk to my door before taking the lift up to the 8th floor. i should've waited to see if he took the lift back dwn but i was too grossed out. i wish i could say my recent apathy and stoicness has granted me the ability to be unfazed by such depraved instances, but i am now extremely freaked out and i feel haplessly threatened. next time, i'm not leaving the hse without a parang.






i bought my christmas dress today and some other stuff. the crowds along orchard rd nearly swallowed me and karin up. comparable to trying to squeeze into Cheeky Monkeys on a wednesday night after half past midnight. oh ya, and jon's party yesterday was good.

wah lau stupid mummy insists tt i wear a scarf over my xmas dress cos it's 'revealing'...
-It's spaghetti strap.
-Ma, the straps are 1-inch thick!
-SO? it's a thick spaghetti strap.

wat the fuck. somebody obviously does not know her pasta well. BITCH.
i feel particularly antagonised tonight and i need to hit something. i've been getting headaches recently so i think i should stop hitting myself. tonight was spposed to be a good night.

i have to stop doing this, sleeping late and waking up even later. i actually like the feeling of waking up knowing tt i have like 20 hrs ahead to do anything but cos of my sluggish habits i havent had the pleasure of tt in a while. my knees are starting to hurt again and this cant be a good thing. just to give an idea of how dry i've become.. i've been going round telling pple the joke tt zareen's annoying makkel bf told me (as opposed to telling my own funnies).

on a brighter note, zeh zeh took leave today so she could try the recipes she intends to use for her xmas party this sunday. and i've got no class today so i'm helping her with the cooking so at least i'm guaranteed a certain amount of fun today. i refused to let her play any christmas cd cos i'm begining to hate christmas music. but lenny kravitz can have my ears anytime. if i wasnt so musically autistic, i'd be writing my own music and all now and it would be lovely; i have these ideas for all the music videos i'd make too. anyway, Mr Cab Driver is on play now so i will revert my attention to good ole lenny (and frying the pie-filling).



listening to: Lenny Kravitz Greatest Hits

i'm wishing more and more tt someone would come and kidnap me and take me away frm everything i know cos i'm so tired. i'm so tired of everything. i'm sad and i can't even cry. i'm so tired and yet i can't sleep. i'm loved but i don't love. i want to die but every day i can only amass enough strength to forget to feed myself so tt i rot slowly away. it's never been this bad; where did this come from?

sorry, ravi maan. i won.


rang the doorbell twice and then opened the door to the an empty hse and the smell of our christmas tree. i was sad tt there wasnt anyone to greet me but it was good too cos then i didn't feel obliged to account for the sad, tired look on my face.

my dinner of overcooked lamb roast with the french beans and instant mash potatos was waiting for me in the microwave. i sat down at the dining table and poked at the food, stoning at it in between bites. i've always imagined tt if my life were ever made into a movie, it'd be pretty abstract and a bit like Last Life in the Universe. you don't know the things i do, the things i do when i'm alone.


whose lips these are i used to know
from whom do crimson liquids flow
corn cracker becomes my favourite friend
to my saddened self its sweetness lends


having my ass kiss the floor for 4 hrs straight does me no good. i had company for most part but having nothing to look forward to was barely enjoyable. thank god for my cap without which i would have felt like an even greater loser than i already was/am. also, i hate andrew's friends, especially tt stupid chibai-faced chinese guy he was sitting with today. i think i can't stand all of them with the exception of deny cos deny is nice. i'm not saying andrew should change his friends; i don't give a fuck really.

rusty nail drilled through my head
i'm hanging frm the wall
dangled right above the ledge
just in case i fall


Doing it for my baby:

i want to see you come to life
i want to give you love
i'm saving part of me for you
and him whom you're made of


i'm sitting on the part of the semi circle tt's parallel to the floor and tt's why i'm still. i made my way up here and frm here it's down down down.

i dreamt yesterday tt i saw him again, plotting. and i didn't tell anyone and then he came after me. i screamed for adam to open the gate and i rushed in just in time. later, news reached us tt some kid had had his brains blown out. and i knew it was all my fault. i woke with the feeling of the rifle pressing into the back of my neck. how many times can a bad dream happen and who will save me from self destruction?

Into the orchard I walk peering way past the gate
Wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait
Drained by the coldest caress, stalking shadows ahead
Halo of death, all I see is departure
Mourner's lament but it's me who's the martyr

[ Harvest- opeth ]

saturday - which was yesterday, which was a few hrs ago - was the worst day i can remember having. so empty and so thoughtless. like.. 24 hrs of haunting, taunting vacuum, so destitute of meaning.

just the other day, i looked up frm my pasta to find charlene giving me a concerned look. i didn't realise i'd been wearing an extremely triste expression. i guess it comes bout frm having little to smile at these days. i'm not like tt usually. normally my moods go up down up down but now, they just fade away, leaving nothing. nothing. i do try to do stuff tt i think will lift my spirits but everything just makes me feel more kangkor. i think it's like i turn off the lights and close my eyes and wake up the next day to darkness because the the sun got spoilt and the last bulb on earth blew so i'm stuck in the black and it wont matter anymore whether or not my eyes are open. now i wish i could trick myself into being happy by drawing pictures of ice cream and the pearly gates, like i used to when i was in younger.

baby clive's bday party soon. i wanna swim but i dont wanna wax so i cant. maybe i'll stay home and do M1 research which i haven't started. maybe i'll go for a movie with daddy. maybe i will die tomorrow and then you can be my first and last. i guess i don't really love pple; i'm merely extremely concerned with/for them.

listening to: Hungarian Dance, gheorghe zamfir

i'm shit-tired. the 6- and 7-hr breaks are draining. and i haven't been able to sleep - at home and on the mrt and in sch.

not long after i embarked on my arduous latest journey to lalaland, i felt a vibe run through my body and my blanket tighten itself round me, then the bed began to quiver. i usually buat bodoh and adjust myself and the blanket but i was too tired. i just wished it would go away. is there a faster route?

if nothing happens within the next 7 days, i think i will just waste away. i've been feeling like everything's a drag. has it all really become this boring or am i just getting less resourceful? i think i've been expecting something to happen but nothing's happening so i feel cheated... by myself. errrr........zzzzz.

i wish it were tt easy; just drop by the store and buy myself a muse. how nice. but good things tt are hard to find give more mmph.

mundane news:
- our client for adv ad is M1. we better not fuck this up.
- i find the photojourn lecturer slightly annoying. wat's more annoying was having to sit on uncomfortable chairs for 3hrs.
- CTV is throwing some party at rouge. all proceeds go to charity and it's gonna be rnb music so i guess i'll be there.
- the highlight of my day was med(ia)law lecture.
- joshua's subtly flirting with me today and yesterday has renewed my suspicions (and karol's) tt he likes me. i wish swiping my armed&ready cap and refusing to return it and then holding on to my hand while threatening to spit gum into it excited me greatly but it just didn't and doesn't.
- taking shana and hanson out to watch some IMAX show tmr. hope the brats dont wear me out; tt's the last thing i need. i'm losing it... i'm losing it...

Triviality is the mot du jour.

Your head will collapse but there's nothing in it so you ask yourself: where is my mind? where is my mind? where is my mind?

everyone has posted their jalan raya pictures and i shall consciously refrain frm conforming (minding the fact tt i have little pictures tt are worth showing).


last night's movies marathon at daddy's was almost non-existent. watched a bit of once upon a time in america before jon decided he needed smokes. didnt know of any mama shop at daddy's hse tt opened so late so we- kawan maan, jonjon and myself- strolled to holland v to buy jon's rokoks and ended up meeting up with gad and his new girl to have some drinks. it's not tt muthu (as gad insisted we call her) was overtly annoying or anything. it's just tt despite my attempts to be affable, she displayed wat came across as a cavalier disinterest in getting to know any of us and tt kindof affronted my innate niceness. then mummy called and said i couldnt stay at daddy's hse with jon cos he's a guy. But he's GAY, ma! she made some pretty lame excuses but i didn't want to cucuk her anymore so i just relented. wat a bloody waste. tant fucking pis...

Oh, you cheeky DJ!
if only the durg could've come for movies. but... the good indian girl's 'bad' decision to stay out late the night before had incurred the wrath of her good indian mother. of course, all these vices were introduced by none other than two undecidedly-good chinese girls and one 'bad' indian girl. (why am i talking like this?.. wat's wrong with me? wat's wrong with me?!?!) it all started when i had heard tt new destiny's child song and suddenly decided i had to dance to it, and wat better place to do tt than cheekys. hurhur. this, of course, now has me vying with ravi for the title of Loser of the World (but still i Lowe u welly welly much, raWi!). i also have to confess tt i was shamelessly drooling over the DJ the whole night (see: a handsomer version of beda bhai). and also, cheeky's is an idiot to sell a shot of baileys for 12$. tt said, i am an even bigger idiot for buying the shots. ok, so i'm not really a teetotaller; anything creamy and sweet is an always an exception. i wnat to try tt nice cadbury drink thing karin was just telling me bout. wah.

during the aforementioned movie marathon tt became a boring sit round session at Tango's, i had to be a super eksi yaya borak head and order a baileys. halfway through it, my chest tightened (no, it didn't get bigger), my face got hotter (no, it didn't get prettier) and i started getting palpitations donc, ravi had to down the other half. boooh.

ian s/o mother's sister just invited me to go china black tonight. funny cos i was mentioning the other day tt i wanted to go there one day to lookseelooksee.
adam is selling his black semi acoustic. anyone interested, tell me ah.
i am a Decipher groupie. i'm gonna dwnld dead skin mask.
i woke up just before 4pm today.

everyone must go scroll down now and have a look at the hot sexy bitch tt graces this blog (the french words are just there to make me look cleverer than you, unless of course you understand them, in which case you are just a snooty francophile. booh yoo!). Next, scroll further down to see the even sexier plus-sized bag of sweet innoncence.

Santa, this Christmas, i want to be a jellybean {:o)

A thought or two, a million for you.


you make me satisfied
you only want to ride
but that's alright by me;
we happen to be free
fr what tomorrow brings
no peace and broken wings
it may have been so good
but now it's understood
'twas just a night

`````

how many times did we give up
but we always worked things out
and all my doubts and fear
kept me wondering
if i'd always be in love

`````

we're not grey people, we're not dirty, we're not mean
we love everybody but we do as we please

`````

life is evil when you don't get what you want
memories can serve as ghosts
they'll tease and haunt you
when you spend your nights up late
wondering all about your fate

`````

you take the high road and I'll take the low road...
Sometimes I wish to God I didn't know now
the things I didn't know then

`````

and that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
it touches my foolish heart
lovely... never, ever change
keep that breathless charm
won't you please arrange it cos I love you

`````

turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don't patronise,
don't patronise me

Troublé par l'ennui et perdue à temps,
je traite en ami la vanité;
j'obsède avec me sublimer.

i'm itching to go out but i want to be alone when i do.

the truth of the matter is tt i like being around guys (except certain times when they make me feel left out by talking bout stuff tt i don't know and then not filling me in cos they think i don't have to know). girls are fun to bitch with and talk sentimentality but if i were to be stuck on an island with only girls, i would be bored to death after not long.

when a boy constantly hangs out with girls and acts like them, chances are he'll be teased for being a sissy/gay/watever. for some odd reason, i used to prefer playing with boys than with girls as a kid. i can imagine tt if i'd gone to a co-ed sch, i'd have been closer to the boys. and it happens tt most of mummy and daddy's friends who had kids, always had 2 - the older one a girl, the younger one a boy. (does this make me lesbian? hurhur) and i always ended up gumming with the boy more. i think i had to bring this up cos i feel like i'm the only one i know of who feels this way. but surely i wasn't the only 5-year-old girl who used walk run round the hse without a shirt cos she thouht she was a boy...? during the days when roleplay was nothing but an innocent game (which included fun roles such as teacher and student, mummy daddy and baby, ninja turtles and various characters frm Police Academy), i usually thought it was only natural tt my role be male or androgynous.

it's not tt men have more to offer than women; it's just something different. and cos i had no male figure to look up to, i've always been - and still am - quietly fascinated by tt difference (which isn't anythign to do with body parts, if you please). i take pride in the fact tt i have a good number of platonic male friends. and i often prefer to talk to them instead of with my girl friends. i don't seem to feel the need the urge to look at guys as much as most straight girls i know but i guess having more than one non-platonic male friend in this lifetime would make things a little more exciting than they are at this very moment.

so i forgot my point exactly but i think it was tt right now and at this very moment, i'm itching to throw myself into something tt doesn't involve the internet, and if you are male, you won't have to goad me off my ass cos i'd gladly go where you will.


listening to: Road to Nowhere, talking heads

Icicle, icicle, where are you going?



Which Rock Chick Are You?

i got home at 2 this morning after literally singing my way home. didn't wnat to sleep on NR so i sang to through the end of my 1 hr busride and while walking to my block. i wanted to turn to the malay guy sitting beside me on the bus and ask him wat he was doing out so late. So... why aren't you at home? i would say. i've always wanted to do spontaneous stuff like tt. like the time i saw this guy in the sch library wearing the coolest pair of pink sunshades and i wanted so so badly to go up to him and say how much i love it. but i didn't and it annoys me tt i always stop short of pleasing myself. yes i get some sort of perverse pleasure out of doing stuff like tt ok.

i was at coffee club talking and eating with rima. it always seems like we have so much to say and our conversations just never end. i like tt sometimes. yea it feels good when pple take an interest in what you have to say.

i got off 132 near wheelock and went toilet then floated into the sea of pple and caught bits of the christmas lightup. when we were a family of 3, mummy used to drive us down to town this time of yr just to see the lights. passed indochine and the band was good. donc, there were lots of non-patrons who stood outside the restaurant just to listen to them. i want to sing at places like tt - al fresco, with a casual yet classy atmosphere (so i don't have to doll up like if i sing in say, a hotel lounge). the only problem now is tt i need someone to provide musical accompaniment. if anyone is interested, let me know. cos i'm quite serious bout doing this shit. strolling slowly to coffeeclub, i was wishing the walk would last forever and serenity filling my head would never go away.

frm Han's karol and i went in search of a bus stop with a 132. we missed the stop and ended walking all the way at bukit merah interchange. it was valentine's day and we had stopped there and gone into ntuc to buy sushi for lunch. then we took another random service on which you made me cry, and then we ended up at toys r us. some memories are just like invisible tattoos. memories aside, karol went home and i to town.

rima couldn't meet me till later and durga was asleep and sounded a bit angry when i called so i begged karol to follow me to the 'gig' (i already told joshua i'd be there and i know how it feels to be played out so i wasn't bout to do tt to him). we bumped into gordon there, who proudly thanked the roomful of youths for coming to attend the 'service'. Service?! did i fucking hear you correctly? why hadn't i previously noticed the large print on gordy's shirt: WORSHIP. yea, oh fuck all right. well at least we were now sure bout the dubious nature of the 'gig'. joshua performed ok and the music was not bad, cept tt karol and i weren't too enthusiatic bout the whole context. when the last song ended and the stoned children were asked to move up front for the rest of the service, tt was when we took our leave.

i have nothing against religion and pple being extremely god-fearing/-loving; i'm just not religiously-inclined right now (or as andrew once put it- 'for organised religion'). i don't want to say all those things without believing a word. i just go to church now cos i believe tt there is a god (whom my parents and a lot of other pple believe in and love) and the least i could do is inspire pple with my gift of outstanding god-given vocals, even if i don't believe everything i hear in church. maybe one day i'll find it in me, the faith to believe. but right now, i'm just not feeling it.

karol and i agree tt joshua looks good with his new 'do and tt we would actually find him sexy when he's singing and doing his thing on stage... if only it wasn't all so god-oriented. but i guess the world needs holy pple like tt just to countervail the blasphemous lot (see: karol). you know wat's amazing? i think alicia's relationship with her bf ian is so amazing. i know it sounds lame but it just amazes me how she who is (or perhaps was) not very god-friendly, and he who has such faith, are so in love.

random note: my second cousin lyn's new husband looks like tony leung.


i have many friends. but i guess the person i have the most in common with is probably karol- frm physicality and disposition to certain uncannily-similar childhood experiences (like tt 'propeller' incident we both had in pri sch). i thought bout it yesterday and i realised tt our relationship is a safe one; it's the kind of relationship where you roughly know how the other person is gonna react and you can be sure it isn't too far frm the familiar. maybe it's cos we're both leos? watever it is, it's good. at the same time, i'm glad my other friends aren't like tt. life would be so totally boring.

i'm happy for jing and her newfound, bagpipe-playing love (paul). she's a beautiful person inside and out and she really deserves all the good stuff she's getting. love you jing, and have a safe trip back here. ben also recently found love for the first time (at the ripe age of 23) and i'm happy for him cos he's a good person too.
what comforting testimonies of justice in the world.


listening to: I Used to Love Her, gun n' roses

WORSHIP ME.

i forgot what i wanted to say. i remember there was a time when i was younger tt i wanted to live in a boathouse. then there was another time i wanted to be a chef. i also wanted to marry a member of the backstreet boys. there was a time i wanted to be a vet. i suddenly thought of all this when i passed changi ferry point on the way home. not tt any of this is of any relevance to me to you to me to you.

i am hornier than you think. i'm also a lot meaner and vainer than you think. and i've killed more times in my dreams than packets of tissue i've bought.

i've not been very happy in a while. i almost can't remember how it feels. now is like eating organic food - all healthful, natural tasting, with no risk of disease and yet, my stomach is unsatisfied no matter how much i eat, and it groans and a-hankers for just something to pique it.

once in a while, i think for a moment -when kenny walks past me and grabs my hand for a fleeting moment and utters my name, when andrew rehashes anything frm the times we had or when he makes me laugh the way i remember he used to, when a stranger on the street gives me a second glance- tt i might be finding the way out of this organic shithole. i feel extremely desperate and cheesy. ugh.

for a while, i've been wondering why i never got to know any of the pple in my neighbourhood. is it them or is it just me? i know it's me. recently, i've had two pple reiterate tt i create my own opportunities. and suddenly i am conscious of how unapproachable i can look and the equivocality tt can be read off my face. in a spontaneous and slightly lame attempt to alleviate this tt i perceive as negative, i took a trip to wholivesnearyou.com. one last hurrah, please.


i long to be as cool as you. how cool does tt make me? i'm obsessed.


listening: Gummy Bears theme song

listening to: Mr Brightside, the killers

i'm one of many, but you're one of one to me.


i realise how crazy i am when i subconsciously imagine unlovely instances in my head and have misunderstandings and arguments and then reconcile with whoever i imagine to be involved, all while waiting for the bus.


it's great to feel the clouds sneezing midnight dew through my window and onto my face. and listening to the familiar sounds of wheels spinning over glistening roads. i can't see the road but i'm imagining it to be as shiny as the roads at bedok were everytime it rained; like someone had littered the road with a million tiny rhinestones. it sounds of good feelings.

it's fun to talk non sense with andrew. i just realised tt the miracle hugs were his in the first place. so maybe only his work and mine don't. bah.

listening to: Balisong, rivermaya

today was screwed up like yesterday. only difference was the time of day. and again i thought to myself tt i wanted to end it. PERIOD. NO MOre. bye bye amelia. bye bye world. bye bye conscious subconscious unconscious. no, not really suicide. i just wanted to not be alive. i fell asleep on the way back home, the tears in my eyes sealing my lids nicely shut. and in the moment before i woke up, in the silence between REM and non-REM, i thought i had really died and i was bout to be happy.

i have to catch myself in a moment of pure happiness and then jump. i played a little scene in my head of dancing and smiling and landing, the smile a little crooked but still on her face and the music still playing in the background and no one around to be sad over it. tt was nice.

the wind tonight blows through my window to kiss my face and make my cheeks feel colder. and so this is Christmas and what have we done.

listening to: Whispering Actually, i can make a mess like nobody's business

Immerse your soul in love
Immerse your soul in love

radiohead's Street Spirit. i forgot how i even got this song. did i dwnld it myself or did someone send to me? doesn't matter cos it's lovely anyway.

got bored of data entry so took little stoning breaks and msged random pple and spent the rest of the time sulking cos i only got a single and ungratifying reply. i didn't realise how indiscreetly i was pouting until i started getting a few weird looks frm coworkers. i played songs in my head a few times then surfed Engrish.com and chuckled to myself.

chanced upon this (site): The Joys of Sexual Physics. interesting... haha

need my dose of freaks and geeks; i can't keep watching the same 5 episodes.

The Havishams of Here

the second time i stepped into a club was last night. i was surprised tt jen invited me to her party cos we only know each other as durga's friend. i had a ginger ale for myself and supped a bit of other pple's alcoholic drinks to make myself feel rebellious. it wasn't very happening; helped out with the cake, danced to some house, yada yada. i don't understand why zehzeh likes Rouge so much. maybe it was just my mood. 10 of us stayed till bout 1 and we later moved on to sojourn at glutton square (see: a stupid ripoff). then we took a 15 min walk to killiney rd's Mitre hotel.

i had never even heard of the place but when we got to the gates, i recognised the entrance tt i had always mistaken for the entrance of just another old abandoned residence. we huddled a bit and walked past the weathered walls with the numbers 145 unglamorously spray-painted on, down the unlit road. where the road ended, a fascinating new story quietly began for me. i thought jen was playing some sick joke on us. it was as like an alien spaceship had landed here discreetly, disguised as a dilapidated mansion. i think only jen and pohling had been there before (jen apparently did an article on the place and had interviewed the owner). so anyway this plumpish, less than pretty, awkwardly dressed youngish lady greeted us and said the old man said it was time to close or the police might come so we couldn't lounge inside. i didn't get it but i was too weirded to protest. we nervously complied when she suggested we make ourselves comfortable at the porch while she went in to get us beers. there were plenty of chairs outside but they comprised a motley of dusty deck chairs, damp office chairs and seats with torn leather cushions so we sat on the steps. through the old metal grilles, i looked at the spacious sitting rm with a really high ceiling tt was furnished with old mismatched couches and coffee tables, all lined up on either wall, leaving a crooked aisle in the centre. this old man hobbled out frm a door i never saw, across the discoloured tiled floor and told the awkward young woman to stay outside to talk with us. then he whipped out a padlock and locked us out and said goodnight. it was so weird. then a petite angmoh fella with a messy grey hair and a beard came out to talk to us through the grille (am i locked in or are you? he joked, holding a beer in one hand and clinging on to the grille with the other. am i in jail?) and the old man insisted the small guy either got out or return to his own rm. hospitality in a very alien form indeed. after a tense discussion, the little guy joined us at the steps outside. his name was Tom and he was an oil rigger frm australia and he he he h- was a bit drunk on tiger but karol and i managed to hold a decent, interesting conversation with him. turns out the place is popular with oil riggers who come here often for work and it's been tt way since goodness knows when.

at bout 3 this morning, after cab money frm perrine, i shook hands with Tom and bid him a safe journey back to wherever.

it still hasn't settled in, the impression the old hotel left me. but it was just so intriguing to go to a place i know nothing bout and talk with pple i know nothing bout. (i can't wait for next yr's adventure; i already started looking at the rates for local bed & breakfast dorms two days ago). wat sticks with me now is tt as i walked away from Tom, frm the feisty old man, his awkward daughter, their hotel with all its mozzies, in all it's curious venerability and obsoleteness, back out to the world as i knew it, i realised tt converse to the itchy bites and the lingering weirdness the whole thing left me, i was probably just another visitor to them. bonding without strings tt bind. this could be wat i've been wishing for. it just might be it.

[cue in topic change]

two nights ago, i dreamt of andrew and then later in the morning i dreamt of durga. no connection. just thought i'd write it down.


listening to: Please Send Me Someone to Love, fiona apple

nowadays, all the new pple i meet, i seem to have met before. everyone's a familiar face and it's making me wonder whether i've seen all my world has to offer me. i'm itching for something new tt i've never experienced. if i can't get a better offer, i want the melt into my unconscious and never come out.

lately, i've been dying to line my eyes black, paint my nails deep maroon, wear 3$ shirts and sit at the corner of an old street. i long to look like i don't care. but i don't know where to start and i'm scared. i'm afraid of how it will affect pple i know. and since the last thing i want to do is add anymore distress to this aching ball of dirt we live on, i will remain inactive since it also reduces the effort for me.

yesterday, i felt i needed to do soemthing to make myself feel different if only for a day or two. i painted my nails a milk chocolate brown so tt when i was bored at work today, i could look hungrily at my badly painted nails (eye candy, if you please).

the hottest female engineer in SIAEC works near me. the keychain on her haversack says: Forget it, I'm out of your league.

at work today, i heard a form of malay i was never sure existed (till now, of course); i call it Bahasa Cheeeena. examples are maru (no, not badz-badz-maru the pri sch penguin, but rather, a word spposedly meaning embarrassed), machee-am and cherpak (i sppose this means 'quick'). did i mention tt they also chope tables at the staff canteen using tissue paper pkts? (of course must lah! wait serkahlee peeper take our tayber den how?). in a better light, at least all this is wat really sets s'pore apart. wat other country can dare to boast such idiosyncrasies? well done, PAP! hur hur.

i daydreamt the other day tt i will finally find my soulmate when i'm dead, lying on a table waiting for the fellas to cut me open so they can take my organs to donate. he will stand there amusing himself with his own reflection in the scalpel before holding it to my pucat skin. then he'd cut open my throat to remove the gulab jamun i had choked on and turn to tell his fellow worker how he much likes indian desserts too.

buying tissue is all i need sometimes. i stood in the sistic queue crying to myself cos it was a bad sunday. then with the last bit of money i had, i bought 4 packets of tissue frm 2 handicapped guys and i felt better suddenly.


listening to: New Slang (ost. garden state), the shins

i've already showered but didn't wash my hair so it still reeks of pesticide frm siting in kenny's pest control van. at least i can sleep well knowing tt there will be no insects crawling into or round my ears (or maybe out of my ears? ugh).

wanted to club or go out with karin tonight but we decided another day.

is it all right for me to be annoyed with pple when they complain i stay too far then they expect me to travel to their place instead? cos i get tt a lot and it actually does piss me off most times. ya, i know i'm used to traversing the island more than most pple i know but won't anyone just fucking come to my house for once? this reminds me of the time in pri 3 when i wanted to have a birthday party so i did a kind of informal poll among potential invitees and it turns out no one wanted to come cos i stayed too far away.


so i went to nuss just now and we sat outsdie to enjoy the breeze and i ordered a mango and peach shake for 5$. i was smiling but i don't understand why cos i don't remember being happy or having any funny thoughts at tt moment; it was the kind of smile you smile when you experience an emotional dearth. or maybe the breeze sweeping past my face had pulled the sides of my mouth towards my ears. anyway so there i sat, an artificial smile on my face and the need to pacify craving to do something other than nothing in my heart. then out of the blue, michelle (tay) insisted tt chris let her take a few puffs off his fag. as she held it to her lips and casually remarked to emmeline (among other things) tt she was smoking cos chris won't stop, i looked on in disbelief and my smile began to feel more and more plastic. for those few moments, i felt like i was meeting her for the first time and i wasn't taking to her very well. it wasn't so much the smoking as it was the things she said as she took a drag almost comically and exhaled the fumes. it was like frm dark comedy and all i would've liked for those moments was to get the joke.

i find imperfection in small, random doses extremely appealing.

thom yorke's unevenly sized eyes, freddie mercury's bucked teeth, suchlike, suchlike... but still i am but human, and i am not without bias; i love men with music in them and i 'm not sure i can love any other kind. the imperfections will have to come in other forms (egs mentioned above).


i've calculated $326 to be added to my savings, just as long as i remember to hand in my timesheet. fuck, i hope i do.

yesterday was jon's bday party. i know he's disappointed more of us couldn't stay over and i wish i could make it better for him. anyways, cheers to him today on his 19th bday. love you lots and lots, jon-jon.

i was high before i got there and for the first one and half hrs i was there and was consequently captured by camera in some extremely unflattering poses. i haven't spoken tt much or laughed so much in days. it was good to get out.

julius asked me to sing for his film, Kiat. i said ok but i'm kindof scared cos i've no idea wat i'm expected to sing and everytime i get excited bout something, it turns out bad eventually. let this go all right, please.

for quite a while now, i've been wanting to learn how to play the piano. i do mean play, and not slap my fingers on the keys like i always do. will anyone teach me?

which is better - being a jack of all trades or being really good at something. i consider myself the former and am proud of it. ok, maybe i'm really good at laughing and letting my moods take me on rides to the polars. but i really suck with musical instruments and i can't help but wonder if i'd actually be good if i had a lesson proper or an objective. the same goes for ballet. i wish i'd started earlier, and i also wish i'd stop wishing and start doing something bout it.

the problem with me, i realise, is tt i don't know where to start and likewise, how to end. and this applies ot almost everything i do. from bathing, up till going to the bank. i could stand under the shower for 3 hours if no one stops me. without an extreme motive, i would never go to the bank simply cos i wouldn't know what to do and how to do watever it is they do at the bank (see: write a check and deposit it, withdraw money blablahblah). i guess you could say i'm street-stupid (a term coined by andrew in a long ago conversation hah). i attribute this partly to my being the baby of the family and having been pampered quite a bit. so i'm constantly reminding myself tt i need to find a way to get out of Clueless Avenue and start up Haveabitmore Drive, but the problem is (surprise, surprise!) i have no idea where to start.

i was really excited bout julius' idea to go on a round-spore trek some (ok, maybe not some - more like a lot) time ago. i was gonna propose staying at budget hotels and dormitories for a whole week, and wake up each morning to trek. i can't remember why, but the trekking idea never got anywhere. i really was hoping it would increase my street-smartness (hur hur). little chance of tt this holis either, what with all the work. then after i graduate, i guess.


listening to: So Beautiful, pete murray (thanks nad. love this song)

(Private Pokey needs a job.)

discomposition.

i heard the song and i suddenly felt so happy. but upon realising tt i couldn't find out the title or where i had heard it, i got angry. no it wasn't anger. it was fucking rage.
in pri sch, it was breaking my pencils and biting myself and breaking other pple's pencils and biting them (the pple, not the pencils). then somewhere along the way, pencils dropped out of fashion and i figured biting pple wouldn't make me very popular. my head hurts now and i feel like vomiting cos i hit myself continuously for a few seconds just now, right after banging my head against the door and throwing my face into my bolster. but there was discord and that chord in my head and i couldn't squeeze it out (literally). i make no effort to boast of the bravado (if you may call it so) of my irk-ful fits; i just write this dwn so tt in case i die mysteriously someday, pple might know why.

i must remind myself tt this is also why i chose masscomm over early childhood. don't want to imagine wat i'd do to my charges if i snapped like i did just now. it's like someone flips a switch and all of a sudden i need to get out of myself. hitting myself continuously isn't something i can control. only one word comes to mind - autism.

when i watch videos of myself as a kid, i always get the feeling tt the kid in the video is autistic. maybe it was the epilepsy medication, maybe it wasn't. i really need to puke and my head really hurts now. the talking to myself, the phase of obsessive compulsive behaviour, the phobias, the 101 vomit-triggers, the loathing physical contact (i used to hit or brush myself on the spot where anyone touched me), the repeating phrases from pple's conversations (only shakil was observant enough to notice this; even i don't sometimes)... i can't help it tt i don't feel like everyone else. i guess it isn't obvious cos i've subconsciously assimilated. still, i feel different when i'm alone.

i'm not asking for attention when i tell pple all this. i don't think it's help i want either. it's just tt my head hurts now and i am wondering why.

i suddenly feel stupid for the previous entry. it's ok, i always have mr brightside to comfort me. oh i loooove tt song. so now CSI isn't the only happening thing in the fertile valleys.

stupid zehzeh just asked for my blog address. i hate the way she and her friends are being so lame and childish bout the whole blog thing. all her friends' blogs are sites documenting the things they do every day, accompanied by photos of themselves doing stupid things. i have nothing against tt, i just feel it's inane. when she found out recently tt i had a blog, i told her it's not for her to read. then she said why? you scared i laugh at you right? . i realise tt i may come across as pretty spastic for taking my blog so seriously but pple set up blogs for many reasons and mine certainly does not include telling pple bout the things i do everyday to amuse pple and posting my lousy photos so tt pple take my pictures and load them on sggirls.com .

i don't want to go bout passwording my blog or doing all sorts of things to prevent anyone frm reading it. it's not vrey hard to run a search and find anyone's blog, really. but if zehzeh finds this, i don't want to know. i'm gonna buat bodoh cos i just don't want to know ok. i said i don't want to know.

listening to: Mr Brightside, the killers

andrew couldn't watch Before Sunset with me so i called rima out. there's no real reason i didn't call anyone else (as opposed to andrew or rima); i guess on some days, i just want to see certain pple or no pple. tt's just it, really. it's cool tt i can be so honest and comfortable with rima and vice versa and ironically it's probably cos i haven't seen her in a long time or haven't had sufficient memories of her to draw a picture of her personality and vice versa. and when there are no previous strings, it's easier for me to be honest and uninhibited. ditto with uncleparty.

i'm glad tt the tix for the show ran out so we had to go eat dinner instead. two reasons: found out mummy bought the dvd frm bangkok when she came back last night and talking over good food for 3 hrs is better than watching ethan hawke. yes, it is.

today was 80s weekend on class95 again. yay.

i did some blog surfing again and was reminded of how bloody small the world is. very very very small. friends of friends are friends of my old friends who are friends of my new friends.

i think zehzeh's friend nigel likes me and zehzeh'z dropping really big (and annnoying) hints. erm ya ok, watever lah. lah. lah. lalalalalalah.


listening to: The Song That Doesn't End, lambchops and charlie horse

mummy just called frm bangkok and told me to sleep early. she says hse bought more bras for me and i retorted tt she shouldn't even bother. i always tell her not to cos all the bras she buys frm there never fit me anyway and then she'll complain tt i never appreciate the cheap bras. they don't fucking fit, mother.

woke u late for work today then i accidentally bumped my head hard on the doorframe getting into the cab. as i sat in the middle of a jam in loyang and all i wanted to do was cry myself to sleep.

tues, i got to the bank 10mins after it closed. how the fuck was i spposed to know tt neighbourhood banks close at 4fucking30? i couldn't go home. i was so angry i'd have concussed myself. got on a random bus which happened to be 69 heading for bedok. i took note of the route through my tears and soon got to thinking bout how it was lucky tt i'd borrowed 2bucks frm jermaine on sun. one small bedok interchange goreng pisang costs 60cents. i did the maths and the outcome made me happier and gave me something to look forward to. i wasn't stable enough to handle another bad thing happening so it was fortunate tt the stall was open. i savoured the oily thing as i stood spectator to an rjc couple making out at the mrt platform in the sky some distance away.

after this, i walked round and got all nostalgic and i calmed down. walked round bedok central and i wanted to hold the walls and kiss them and hug them and stroke them. i will reserve tt till i'm old and i can walk round bedok without bra and talk loudly to myself and do zany things, all while excusing myself as just another crazy bedok auntie.

i owe my weight gain to eating less often and not exercising. no typo there - i did say less often. cos it makes my metabolism slow dwn and now i'm more prone to putting on weight. i can't afford this- i'm too poor to buy new clothes. better start getting scrawny.

till late nov, my services will be employed by spore's flagship airline at Hanger 2 on Airline Rd (see: ulu corner of our stupid island 'hub'). past 2 days consisted of encounters with an indifferent photocopying machine, colleagues with BA/engineering backgrounds (thus, the bad english and cold humour), loads of invoices. interesting things today include the following data entered:
'actuator le flap'
'crank assy'
'screwball assy'

yea... i mean like, wat the fuck SIA.

Jigsaw you, jigsaw me... into a places we can't forget

we're all good at something - for some it's soccer or gym, or playing an instrument or doing handstands underwater, or it could even be telling lies. i would like to think tt i'm good at singing- no wait, i don't want to settle for tt. it's not tt i don't think i can sing; it's just tt there are more than a million things tt we - me, you and you and you and myself and everyone - could possibly be good at. don't we want to know?

bumped into uncleparty at PS last friday; hmm, talk bout coincidence. the new pple i've been meeting lately all seem to remind me of pple i know; i just can't quite figure who reminds me of who. but everything seems so familiar lately.

i lost my atm card you know. i guess tt's a push in the right direction for my campaign.

i saw About A Boy just now and i'm surprised i really liked it. it's just different and honest like a coupland book and after it, all i wanted to do was smile and jump bout (nvm the knees). maybe i'll pick up the book on my next visit to bk rental store.

yesterday i watched Universal Blues perform again. wow, just wow. i've never especially liked the blues (partly because i don't really know wat the blues is) but there's always something bout good live music (oozing with amazing talent) tt forms a feel-good bubble round me, and so for those few moments, the funky blues floated my boat all the way up to cloud nine. and there i stayed, till the unremitting drizzle brought me slowly back down.

maybe i don't want someone who'll be mostly looney and ungrounded like me after all. how bout someone who'll let me be and yet love me the way i will him? yes please, tt'll be nice.

i wonder how many shades of emotions there are and if i've felt them all already. when i'm dying (let's say my death isn't instant and unexpected), i won't want to ask myself this question if i know it's gonna be a no. maybe it's my compulsive aspect making a cameo but i reckon it'd be majorly annoying to leave this place with an itch unscratched.



listening to: There Are Places I Rememeber, the beatles

being at home all alone is one of my favourite ways to erm... be.

there was an article in ST LIfe today on local bands. hmm. ok. i checked out some of the sites tt were working. RONIN is pretty good. hmm.

going for the press preview of Clean for UrbanWire later on. hope it's good.

check out: Engrish.com. brace yourself for the hilarity.


listening to: Revolution, ronin

You've gotta hope that there's someone for you
strange as you are
who can cope with the things that you do
without trying too hard

Cos you can bend the truth
till it's soothing you
These things that you're wrapping all around you
you never know what they will amount to
If your life is just going on without you
it's the end of the things you know
Here we go

You've gotta know that there's more to this world
than what you have seen
cos we all have a limited view have a
of what it can be

As we move along with our blinders on
each one of us feels a little stranded
and you can’t explain or understand it
Each one of us on a different planet
Let’s stall the to and fro
Someone could say hello
Here we go

Feeling that someone really gets you
That’s something that no one should object to
It could happen today
so I suggest you skip your habit of laying low
It’s the end of the things you know
Here we go

Cos someone can say hello, you old soul
And so, here we go


(Here We Go, jon brion)

I'll sing it one last time for you
then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
in all I've done.

And I can barely look at you
but every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
away from here

Light up, light up
as if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
and we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
it makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Light up, light up
as if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
and we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
we don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
to get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
as if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear


(Run, snow patrol)

i didn't watch the episode of Get Real tt andrew mentioned (bout blogging and stuff), but frm wat he's mentioned, i agree tt it's so lame how pple take it so seriously. i mean i am serious when i write bout wat i feel and stuff but wat up with being socially conscious? aiyoh i got nothing to say already. other mundane stuff: blablablah-blurgh..


You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold
But all the promises we made
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

listening to: All I Want is You, u2


- just saw another dwnldd episode of Freaks and Geeks just now. i like tt show, you know. i like lindsy cos something bout her reminds me of myself.

- been talking to uncleparty. hallo, uncleparty haha.

- christmas is nearing and i can feel it. remember wat happened round last christmas? i love the way the air smells and sounds of year-end drizzles and tinkling bells and choral voices. i love the feeling of christmas.

- i scored 17/20 for french oral exam today - yay. unfortunately this didn't involve anyone's tongue examining anyone's mouth but i'm happy nonetheless.

- uncle peter has sold his pub. tt means no halloween celebration there anymore.

- frm next wed, i'll be working as an admin assistant at SIA. $6/hr is good for a temp job so yay.

From the wrinkles on my forehead
to the mud upon my shoe
Everything's a memory
with strings that tie to you

In my dream i'm often running
to the place that's out of view
of every kind of memory
with strings that tie to you

The change is taken place
and i no longer do adore her
Still every god forsaken place
is always right around the corner

Now i know it's either them or me
So i'll bury every clue
and every kind of memory
with strings that tie to you

oh and every kind of memory
with strings that tie to you


listening to: Strings That Tie To You, jon brion

it's another relaxing day at daddy's house, to starkly contrast the uncomfortable (yet enlightening) yesterday. spposed to be studying for massina exam but screw tt lah huh.

went dwnstairs to the newly renovated commonwealth mkt for lunch after eating an over-toasted waffle for brkfast. ordered nasi padang frm an unfriendly makcik and tt irritated me a bit. my teh halia had a bit too much halia so i went to drink some chinchow and then i was happily reading the newspaper when suddenly and mysteriously, the words "my blody unfucked arse" popped into my mind and it wouldn't go away till i used the phrase. uncleparty was just unlucky to be the first one to kena. haha sorry. pls dont go back on your job offer.

i found a brochure for murdoch U frm the fms yesterday and je suis en train de la lire. and i'm now actually considering varsity (pls note tt i am still looking for tt rich dying man) but i wont study media and i'm not going cos i wanna study; i'm going cos i need a change and i wanna try going overseas myself.


yesterday's cucuks:

cucuk kecil #1:
kaylene has not called me regarding ms thong's wedding. i promised to do a solo and i won't go back on it.


cucuk kecil #2:
karol was being real cranky like she was on monday and she was unjustifiably mean to durga. no thanks to karol for tt.


the cucuk besar:
it has come to my attention tt i only have 500 in my savings acct. so yesterday when i went out with karin (after a long long while), i restricted myself to only buying one underwear set and my long-awaited french/english robertcollins using my kino french-bk-only voucher.

i realised tt i've become something of a rich brat and i hate it. i long for the times when we were less well-off and i was less materialistic and we only went to restaurants on mummy's payday or when kind relatives would treat us and i was no less satisfied than i am now. i won't say tt having more dough has changed me as a person (in my case, tt kind of change is due other stuff). i long for the me who was satisfied even when i only had small change in my wallet. so it was a good lesson for me and a motivation to get off my unfucked pantat (there! i've said it again!) and get a job.

but alas, carelessness was in the air yesterday and i managed to misplace 44 frikin dollrs (which, i must add, could have been avoided if only the stupid np atm machine hadn't run out of 10$-bills). i know it's not much considering i'm capable of spending 60$ at sch bazaars but i'm still puzzled as to how my money dropped out frm my pocket. i was too distracted taking dwn the title of a new coupland book to notice. i retraced my steps frm taka lingerie departmt all the way back to kino but... nada. it didn't help tt i was already having dizzy spells the whole day and things kept bumping into me (walls, floors, steps, chairs, pple and even the towel rack at karin's hse). but then i told myself tt this was a good surprise start to my Be Poor, Stay Happy campaign so i felt not so bad but was still dizzy. an even better consolation was tt maybe someone was praying real hard for well-intended cash and i had unwittingly answered their prayers. now the deserving person will have money to pay his/her mother's hospital bill or something. yay! i just hope no one uses my 44 bucks to buy a gun and shoot at pple. tt's just not nice.


ok, moving on to media in china and m'sia and CRC findings on ESRB... tsk.

Last night's post (cos blogger screwed up):: adjourned mugging.

Channel i is gonna show benny and joon at 10pm, wed. Today they showed Agnes of God. Good movies; good for them (channel i). I like channel i’s shows. it's too bad I hardly watch tv.

t'was a weird day. Woke for lunch and spent many hours transferring files from my computer to my new laptop. Then ended up watching Talking Cock again. dunno why every time I transfer files I end up watching it (the last time was when I reformatted). I turned on the tv (can’t believe I actually did) and caught some of under one roof. then i realized tt dzool reminds me of uncle yusof (zaibo) frm under one roof and I laughed out loud to myself.

After din, finished putting in the last of my 1 and a half k of music files. sat around and then went to central to get zehzeh’s diving photos and settle some receipt at challenger. Then I stopped by cash converters. Was quite crowded but I instantly fell in love with the place. I’ve been in there before but not by myself and never at night. And something bout being by myself among lots of old things was exhilarating. In their huge cd collection, I found mark owen, whigfield, 3T and the like. Guitars – didn’t see the small kind I was looking for though there was one electric tt was spray-painted yellow and green and blue tt caught my eye. When I get my own place next time, I will fill it with old school everything, with the help of cash converters. Yay. I will buy up all their 1$ mugs and tt 6$ flask I was eyeing.

I wonder why I live in the past. I’m such a nostalgia junkie and i stubbornly refuse to move on; just like how I’m using my laptop now but insist on keeping my grungy, green oldish keyboard docked on so I will never miss the sonorous dancing of my fingers on the clickety keys. I refuse to use the laptop keys – they’re too soft.

At bout 7 this evening, there were at least 500 birds – crows and swallows – frenetically sweeping bout outside my window, creating a bit of a ruckus in the sky between the block and the expressway. Cheep cheep chirp caw caw caw. It looked like they were having a war but I think maybe they were catching insects. anyway I looked away for a moment and when I turned back to look out the window, all I caught was one disoriented swallow flapping away. Capricious chirpers.

Other (exciting) news: it's official - I've decided tt i am going to marry rufus wainwright.


Today:: "A little bit stronger, a little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me."

i must tell you,... i want to smoke. ah-hah amelia! i told you, didn't i? tsk ya lah, i know you did. it's the only change (and an obvious one at tt) tt i haven't made in my subconscious revamp and it really sticks out the way my overlapping lower teeth used to before i got braces. it's like i don't mind but then i do. i know this is corny, but i feel like one fag is all i need to become a full-flegded decadent.

listening to: Forever And One (Neverland), helloween

"Between grief and nothing I will take grief."

... and i know it's a good day when i don't feel like i have to choose.

i'm feeling relaxed and woeless right now. and tt's good. the latest songs i've dwnldd so far are all shiokenaden and i'm all right with the world.

i saw my first marilyn monroe film today (Some Like It Hot). it's ok i guess; quirky a bit. then called karol and durga out to eat cos zehzeh(who's diving in dayang now) told me to check out da paolo's at holland v and the sale at the mall there. bought a dress, a pair of jeans and a halter top for just $50. the three of us spent more than tt amt on food. but it was good and we became tipsy and light-headed from the air of relief and italian smells. the result was drunken renditions of Guns n roses and joni mitchell and three dog night and church-y songs(among others), loads of stomach-racking laughter and the usual speculating the reasons we three are single.

i called daddy to tell him i was going over to stay tonight but when he picked up the phone, there was another man at his place and daddy didn't seem to want my company. i've always suspected daddy was bi or gay. i'm still a bit annoyed at his reaction to my call but i guess it was good i went home instead and tt i took the 77 route cos i bumped into sherrie on the train.

i'm glad i bumped into her. i was feeling rather tired and blurgh and it was nice to have someone to talk to for at least 16 stops. and since i don't know sherrie well, we had a lot to talk bout. it's refreshing to talk to someone who doesn't bitch and tt's all i need to make my already good day/night better. say it with me: serendipity.


sometimes we don't like pple and then we go find out bout tt person so we have more things to say bout them. so then we forget to think bout the pple whom we don't hate so much. but i guess those pple are less impt simply because good isn't worth talking bout huh.

i haven't been reading much even though i have a lot of books i'm halfway through. i've been eagerly taking in words amidst drifty sounds. quaff quaff:

songs from Les Choristes
gin blossoms songs
from russia with love, matt monro
we might as well be strangers, keane
natasha, rufus wainwright
(wainwright wrote this for natasha lyonne who acted in But I'm A Cheerleader)

listening to: We Might As Well Be Strangers, keane

it makes me so sad, listening to this. but i'm masochistic so it's ok.


I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place, I'm looking for

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well...

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier, to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in another town
We might as well...
We might as well... be strangers, be strangers

For all I know of you now...

hallo. i have been away for a long time i see. so i didn't resolve the connection crap but i'm gonna switch to singnet broadband soon so it should be fine by then.

andrew, i'm sorry to disappoint you. i also once thought i understood you well, but i'm getting wiser and trying not to make unnecessary assumptions (such as assuming tt i am clever enough to make assumptions) bout you, or anybody for tt matter. i couldn't help but feel embarrassed but i will learn to deal with myself. but i think i understand you more than most pple do... if tt's any consolation. i also dont like it when pple anyhow blurt my blog address and my secrets so i know how it feels, but i'm just really proud of the way you write. but i wont be giving it out no more, don't worry.


i want this book: how to be HAPPY, dammit by Karen Salmansohn


saw it in the newsrm this afternn. we went round sch in geraldine's car to distribute copies of hype today. i envision myself the next colin goh (the guy who talks cock)... i think. hur. quick someone, spot me. i am witty you know. ehhhhhhhhh.

i have ambitions. the last actdir project and script i did for scriptwrit have convinced me tt i should go into scriptwriting. ok. i'm just relieved the sem is nearly over.

i finally got down to waxing so i could go for karol's sister's pool party. feels good to swim and for the first time, i actually treaded water and ventured to the deep-end. i am becoming more confident in the water - yay. i feel like i'm going through puberty again; the awkward feelings, the guy-watching, the wondering if i'm really lesbian, the irregular periods, the Godless-ness, the occasionally fluctuating esteem. i wore a dress today.

hier: saw a movie with mich chan then we discussed stuff tt amuses us over pasta and potato salad. then i walked bout by myself and i concluded tt the great thing bout being alone (i don't mean single, i mean alone) is tt i dont have anyone to feel awkward around except for myself.

i played another tune just now on the piano and in my head. and i wondered if i could inspire someone to write a nice song tt would have the same effect on pple tt good songs have on me.

listening to: Ghost of You and Me, bbmak

it's been a while. i've resolved my connection woes by dwnlding some dunnowat stuff from microsoft website and doing some shit to my firewalls.

went to komala's with jon and gad to get our much-needed dose of gulab jamun. (note to self: remember to try tt tasty looking thingy on the chaat menu.) it's nice to see jon and gad hanging out together, two best friends; nearly - yes, nearly - macam matair.

on the bus ride downtown, i was thinking bout how people are so different in the way they bring up their kids. like how some pple are so havoc and all but then just mellow when they have kids, while some pple just stay their oddball selves or become even weirder. which little box will i fall into?
and i'm always very amazed when i hear bout married couples who started off not speaking a common language, like uncle leonard and aunty sumali.

i was drained from not sleeping and being in distress (because my msn kept disconnecting and my connection kept slowing and i'm a pathetic online addict who cant go to bed without checking my email five times or various blogs including my own) so i had a nice shower when i got home; sat on the stool in the toilet and gave my feet a nice scrub with the pumice and massaged in between my toes. and then smothered my whole self with excessive amounts of moisturiser.

[oh ya,... sidetrack: my left knee gave way on tuesday during printjourn so after hobbling over to galileo for lunch, i retreated back to the benches near the cage and did not move frm there for the next 2 hrs till karol came and we went for script lecture. joshua was at home sick and durga was at home lazy haha, and jermaine and amy had gone home. so the only company i had for those 2 hrs was the occasional friend who would walk past and i lost count of how many times i repeated the i have wonky knees story. so the point i was gonna make was tt i had to buy new shoes with better support at ridiculous prices and i am now limited to asics and teva footwear.]

so anyway, i was deadbeat and at nearly 11pm friday night, instead of going online, i lay in bed in the dark, listening to Symphony. somewhere between my elevated state and lala-land, i concluded tt i don't have the gift of music; but wat i have is the wonderful ability to appreciate music in almost all it's forms. my eyes were wide open as i lay there imagining tt perhaps the happiest moment in my entire life would be finding the one person who could share this moment with me. he and me, we would lie there not saying a word while the music floated around us, wrapping us in its loveliness.

and then my hands extended in front of me, i did a little shimmy with them and then pretended they were graceful ballerinas, picking up the soft melodies. then i thought bout how lonely mummy looked (because uncle jeffrey was working shift tt night) when i said nite-nite to her just before i tucked myself in and i felt so sad for mummy. sonatas and sonatinas dang-dang-ge-dang-danging on the piano remind me of how there is much solace and much joy and so much emotion tt music can offer the way nothing else can. i love wat music does to me- i really, really do.

met up with cj friends after forever and had many good laughs and much reminiscing. (note: saw nice airy top and stylo minah-ish pants at topshop. must wait for sale to buy). cynthia is doing law and eileen's doing arts at nus. chermaine's at la salle. heard tt paul is in the navy. meanwhile, me and andrew still stuck in fms. haha oh well.

on the bus back, andrew commented tt i'm stuck as a girl. As opposed to? i asked. A woman. hmm i guess i've never thought of myself tt way (or at least if i have, i forgot). i certainly feel a lot more mature as compared to when in cj or whenever previously, but i guess i still am a girl in many ways. i can't help it tt overalls are so damn comfy and have nice big pockets. i wonder if the child-like mentality i subconsciously adopt sometimes is a result of my having to grow up so quickly due to some family fuckups. but i'm not in the mood to bring up such things now.

we sat at the back of the top deck of the double-decker bus. This feels familiar. hah, yes it does andrew, it certainly does. you know, i'm actually quite proud tt we managed to keep us friends this long. yippee and yay to affable amelia and andrew! haha...


Bo Qiang & Wu Kia {:o)

"So what kind of guy does amelia go for?"

oh and wouldn't you like to know... *wink*

it scares me tt he is the God-fearing type (is this how andrew felt when we used to go out?). wat are we both looking for? i'm always afraid tt pple will see in me more than there actually is and miss the things tt are actually there.

[a little sidetracking: i realise tt everyone is building contacts and doing freelance jobs. wat have i? oh fuck. ok, point made. moving on...]


You're the prince to my ballerina
You'll feed all the people's parking meters
You encourage the eating of ice cream
And you would somersault in sand with me

You talk to loners
You ask 'how's your week?'
You give love to all
And give love to me
You're obsessed with hiding
The sticks and stones
And feel the unknown
You feel like home
You feel like home

You put my feet back on the ground
Oh, did you know you brought me home
Yeah, you were sweet and you were sound
Can you save me

You're the wars in my summer's breeze
You're the ivories in my ebony key
You would share your last jelly bean
And you would somersault in sand with me

You put my feet back on the ground
Oh, did you know you brought me home
Yeah, you were sweet and you were sound
You save me

You put my feet back on the ground
Oh, did you know you brought me home
Yeah you were sweet and you were sound
See I have tried
You still bring me around 'n around 'n around

(Somersault, zero 7)


i don't want wat's good for me and you have to understand tt.

so i didn't get the nuss job. and i can't say i'm not upset. apparently, the manager didn't want me cos i looked too young. bloody idiot, so fussy for wat. all the other pple who auditioned only satisfied one of the 3 criterion he wanted - young, pretty, can sing. then i come along, and he says too young. tsk. (i'm not saying i'm an extremely hire-worthy specimen, but i believe tt overall i can quite make it).

anyway zehzeh, joshua and ericca came to watch me sing. and then of course there was melvin and helen (the one who sings with melvin now). they all said i sang well but i swear i spat out some flat notes. Janice (Melvin's agent) said i just need to familiarise myself with all the standard jazz songs and doll up a bit and she'll let me know if any hotels need crooners. but then i'd have to sing with someone i don't know cos melvin will be with nuss. you know, what i really hated was tt stupid disinterested look on the manager's face when i was singing.

i know i shouldn't have placed my hopes too high but i was already planning wat to do with my 1000$++ salary if i did get the job (200 for mummy and uncle jeffrey, 100 for zehzeh, 100 for the church box for the poor, 100 for mama, 50 for uncle boy, 20 for the old man who plays the er-hu outside tampines mrt, at least 1$ worth of tissue frm every blind tissue seller who approaches me, 2$ for every busker i see, 250 to treat various pple to lunch/tea/dinner/watever, 400 to go into my savings acct and bout 100 to keep in my piggy bank as taxi money). maybe i shouldn't become a hotel lounge singer; don't want to have to doll up 3 times a week and have silly drunk men ogle at me and i'm afraid i may sing myself crazy. nvm, i will just earn my dough tt way then i'll retire and use the money to set up my own band and then i can dress how i like and sing wat i like, when i like.

after i sang josh left for some meeting and i joined zehzeh and her friends to eat dessert. (i really appreciate zehzeh's support for me. i don't think many siblings would bother to be as proud as she is of me). anyway... i didn't want to go home feeling lousy so i asked josh if he was nearby and we ended up watching midnight movie at lido with some of his friends. The Terminal. really entertaining and catherine zeta-jones' name in the film was Amelia. don't especially like her, but it's always nice to have my name in a nice show. joshua's friend pamela is really pretty and stylo. and then there were 2 guys called cheng and zig. it's refreshing to meet new pple sometimes.

my nextdoor neighbour just told us tt there was a snatchtheft downstairs last night at bout 11. i know pple laugh at my ideas, but i'm convinced tt the best deterrent would be a tickle-me cookie monster or elmo. activate the toy and wave it round and laugh to yourself as you walk home late at night. i'm convinced tt's gonna freak any robber out of stealing your stuff.

AH!!! wow... today is so surreal...(oh no, i hope i'm not beginning to sound like a regular boring blooger who simply reports her day's doings; i'd like to think i lead a life tt's at least a tad more exciting than most people... so anyways-)


10.10am ::
i rush into the newsroom to join the other slaves of Hype and Trib in proofreading our stories. i look longingly at the 2 comfy newsrm couches but am chased out of the room (for cacophony-emitting) before i get a chance to lounge.


12noon plus plus ::
have lunch at sim with jermaine, joshua, durga, geraldine, prasad, christine. joshua seems a little high and we break into a spontaneous montage of retro songs. then joshua suddenly asks me if i'm free this thursday and says he says he wants to ask me on a date. ah??... really ah? then i get laughed at by the table and i fail to understand wat's so funny. then he says he ya then he says no he doesn't want to date me. AHH?? everyone continues to laugh and i seem to be the only one oblivious to wat's going on. so anyway, his band (A Vacant Affair) is practising this thursday and i am very welcome to be there. where? his bedroom. er... tt's nice. Ma, can i go over to my friend joshua's bedroom in serangoon to make some music? i don't want to imagine her reaction.

oh ya, so the point is, i am extremely flattered though i think being in a room of emo-rockers i dunno will be a bit intimidating. worse still (or better still, depending on how i look at it), i hear frm jermaine tt joshua might want me to sing with them. gah. i don't know wat gah indicates but it't the only thing i can say now. GAH. well at least i know i won't do a yoko ono on them. oh but the thing is, i'm not free on thursday; spposed to go watch s'pore idol at caldecott to support malvin. i kind of want to check out joshua's band though.


8.45pm ::
i get a call from melvin. NUSS(nus society) wants to renew his contract for next yr but they don't want the girl he's singing with (whom chris tells me is lousy) so he needs a full-time singer-- do i want the job? melvin's offered me a job like this before but this time he's really serious and starting next yr will be quite feasible too. i said i'd only do part-time and though he needs a full-time singer, he also advsises me to stick to part-time. nuss management wants to hear me this friday and i'm shit scared. i'm still choosing songs now but i can already feel the fear thrashing bout in my stomach. if i get the job, it might make or break me. i'd finally get to be paid to make noise but i'm scared i can't handle the late nights. it's a pretty stupid thing to be scared of, considering the fact tt i don't usually sleep before 1am. mummy's not happy tt i'm committing myself to this; on the other hand, zehzeh is so excited for me, she says she'll bring all her firends down to watch me. anyhows, i promised melvin i'd be there on friday night so there's no turning back. it'll be good experience and i guess i've got nothing to lose.

a very very very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to one of my closest and bestest friends.
love you, karin! {:o)

hapsy hapsy hapsy berfsday.................. wheeeee! cheers to all the times we slacked at your hse, my hse, cooked couscous and watever nonsense we could think up. here's to more binge-fests, great sales and cheap pierre cardin bras. oh ya, and exciting bitching and 'jamming' sessions. we've been so bloody busy nowadays but we must go on tt holiday after graduation ok?




i sell you dvd cheap-cheap! hur hur...

fat cheeks on both ends.
hormonal flushing and bloating is grossly uncomfortable.

is it just me, or do i really have stickers pasted on my face?: "Come Old People, feel free to talk to me" and "Calling all men with annoying voices and relationship problems! Come sit next to me on the train so i may have no choice but to eavesdrop on your stupid handphone conversation with your girlfriend".

i guess things like this do make my life a lot more interesting. maybe a lot of other pple are surrounded by recurring incidents like this, but they just don't notice. and even if they do, it sure seems like i'm the only one who seems to think tt such patterns are worth highlighting.

cantored well and then went down to citylink to eat by myself and people watch before heading down to watch Moods at the esplanade. good music and the vocalist sounds like natalie merchant. in between sets, i hung out with michelle, who was on backstage duty (bumped into dil too). when i wasn't transfixed by the music, i looked round and wondered wat everyone else in the audience was thinking bout and if anyone there had tt same thought running through their heads as me. another thought: it's amazing how many times you can cross paths with people and not even notice. how many times have you seen me?

i think mummy thinks i'm going out with julius or something, just cos i said i was getting a lift frm him (which did not happen eventually; but tt's a long story). watever lah.
i managed to dwnld(SSHH!) 2 epsiodes of Freaks and Geeks - yay! and clockwork orange too; haven't watched yet though.


playlist:

i think i love you (less than jake)

breathe easy (sugababes)

waiting in vain (bob marley)

black bird (the beatles)

hold me now (the polyphonic spree)

met up with old ij friends this afternn. haven't seen nurul and rima since graduation (ok, i saw rima at the anniversary thing, but tt doesnt really count).

visited nurul's blog and then from there to "trina's" blog to see if i recognised the girl tt andrew wants to screw. trina is pingzhi?! and then it occured to me tt was indeed pingzhi's christian name and tt i had simply forgotten. haha if she's the only trina frm cj in our yr then i'm amused cos all this while i kept trying to recall who 'trina' was. ok lah andrew, if we're talking bout the same girl here, then your taste good. heh. (of course, i'd like to think tt your taste has always been good but i won't kid myself, ya? heh.)

we hung out today, the four of us, and saw Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. haha fucking stupid... damn idiotic but amusing lah. then we sat at starbucks and did a bit of catching up and bitching.


someone's got matches but baby, it's not me
someone smells of fire but baby, it's not me
that's why you'll never play my song
you want to play unsafe games and i refused to play along
but the promises you've made and broke
the words that we never spoke
these things...
i'll light a torch and scorch and singe when you *** *** *** ******* m**g*


ugh. haha, i surprise myself sometimes. whoop dee doo...

talking to michelle chan on msn now. i'm telling her bout how i want to set up a band called The Puspalms. i've mentioned the reason to you before. the surname is gonna die out here and i don't want it to. but it'll be hard for adam, timmy and me (whom i plan to have in the band haha - haven't thought of who else yet) to recah a compromise on what music to play cos our tastes are different. but when we do- if we do- we'll be the neo-weddingsingers for eurasian weddings. haha. play some old stuff and some new shit too. wow, how fun it will be! haha i'm getting excited by the mere idea.

listening to: Besame Mucho, the beatles

ooh c'est si bon. i wonder how far i'd go to make my dreams come true and how far my dreams will last before they're eaten away by my laziness. i'm so bored. i need someone to besame- mucho mucho! haha...



Puff was but my pipe dream.

i'm feeling sick in my stomach. emotional and mental disquiet always channels itself to my stomach. and i feel really really sick.

somebody please hold my hand while i puke.

stupid massina.

i totally forgot bout the tix for Little Victories. me and zehzeh spposed to bring shana to watch it this saturday. and i cant get hold of zehzeh; need her credit number to book tix.

i can't get hold of jon who spposed to get back to me on the JCs replies regarding our fucking survey. daryl is being so fucking susah. i will not let him have any say in the project if he's gonna continue being such a prick; not like he even attends grp meetings.

writing is becoming such a drag. i don't have the energy to go cover tt story on thurs. watever.

HMV classical music section. she's got a piercing near her mouth, black black hair, and this air bout her -- lovely. i could stare at her forever but i'm too much of a no-lifer. the day someone looks at me like tt... tt would be the day.

i need a bit more meaning in my life. am kindof looking forward to indie-pendent. shit... just remembered i also have to cantor for mass tt weekend.