i was walking back home, my stomach full of kway teow goreng kerang, prata bomb and teh halia, when i suddenly remembered tt since many years ago, i've envisioned myself dying a hero, being killed while doing something courageous and worthwhile... like saving some kid from a speeding truck or something like tt. pain aside, i had decided tt if life is to be worth living, then death must be worth it to. i've come some way from there... now i think i wouldn't mind settling for in old age after a long fulfilling life of raising my progeny to become useful and compassionate beings with a strong sense of purpose and love for the world. still, i always contemplate how terrible it would be to die while falling down a flight of stairs, or slipping on my own spit or something lame like tt. very anti-climatic and i always imagine tt if i were to die like tt, as my soul floats up to a better place, i'd be cussing, extremely geram at the idea of my death being such an anticlimax.
i guess a full stomach and lone walks are good for these drawing out deep thoughts and ruminating. as i got nearer home, and just as i found myself swallowed by the shadows of overgrown mango trees and bathed in the steam rising through the drain gratings, i remembered tt when i was a kid, i used to dream of being robin, following batman on his villain-fighting adventures. my earliest memory of having these dreams was when i was 8. i had a coral-coloured quilt cover with a tiny white flower motif. mummy had bought the material and sewn the cover herself. i lay under it (on my side, always with my bolster behind me and touching my back (just to make sure i could not be attacked from behind), telling myself tt if i thought hard enough about being robin, it'd probably manifest in my dreams. and so tt's wat i did for the longest time. it only worked half the time. other times i'd have nightmares or no dreams at all.
back to tonight.. as i imbibed owl eyes, i wondered why i never wanted to be batman. and i guess it's cos there's something special about being a sidekick.. being able to don a colour-coordinated getup and save pple from evil, while not having to have any major action plan or actually attracting too much attention or getting an embarrassing amount of credit. and sidekicks never have to bear the responsibility of a superhero. and then i had an epiphany: i realised tt this could be why i always feel a curious yet comforting sense of empowerment when i sit in the front seat of a car, especially when the driver is male. it's like i'm reliving my dream of being robin. i guess it never happens with women drivers because their energy is different. i only feel tt strange sense of fulfilment and affinity with male drivers.
i don't think i was smiling to myself but i did feel such a wonderful sense of peace and pride at having made tt connection... so much so tt i felt compelled to write it out. i wonder how many other pple in this world get such a big kick out of walking home by themselves. i wonder how many pple ever let themselves in on this much of their own thoughts. i've figured by now tt the depth of thoughtfulness i have about life and the vividness of my memories is quite unique to myself but surely there must be someone out there who experiences such abstract epiphanies as i do and also sees the value of sharing them... (no?)
i feel better now. i feel better now.