Wednesday, August 23, 2006

spoke to lidong yesterday. got things sorted out. and i'm happy with us; with what we had and what we still have. maybe i'm ready to give it another try. i thought he was going to say i love you- not tt he would have reason to- but he didn't. but anyway, i still felt so relieved he understood when i said i couldn't bring myself to do it right now. we said goodbye just as the sun began to lighten the sky's blackness. this is the way it should be- happy happy.

woke up just in time for sch so i had to skip brunch. we discussed the closing chapter of L’étranger. and i saw us in it, with our little contentions and whatnots. i like making connections; maybe tt's why i love jigsaw puzzles so much. it was a beautiful day, today. i got to look smart in class and i walked to the bus stop with my anthrop classmate, alex. new day, new friend, new happy. haha.

thanks for loving me {:oD


:: Play the Game - queen

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

nthng nthng nthng. do either of us have any idea what the fuck is going on here?

i've never had much faith in the choices i make for myself. i suppose i'm impaired in this aspect. not tt he would be interested in any of these my excuses. in the light of everything, apologies are starting to seem increasingly inane. where did we go, my lovely?

i've always envied pple who weren't inclined to know what they were gonna to do the next day. sometimes i wish i could be like tt but i feel like i'm always running out of time. and love.


:: Let It Roll - train

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges. You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions. Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist. Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).

Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others. And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.
Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.

Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

Monday, August 14, 2006

i told him i'll try. but we can have a little hate game. you'll hate me and i'll hate you. and me. let's go to sleep. my brains are dripping out through my busted sinuses and it hurts when i cry and it hurts my heart even more when i don't. and all i can do is scream.

i had a friend called amelia. just letting myself know all this in case i forget.

seeing as to how casual you seem to be treating this, i cast lots. it said two separate hearts. but then you know i always choose the opposite.
songs to you

let it roll - train
not myself - john mayer
goodbye to you - michelle branch
she has no time - keane
roulette - soad
i love how you love me - paris sisters
criminal - fiona apple
fair - remy zero
falling from grace - gentle waves
dosed - red hot chilli peppers
reason why - rachael yamagata
love is on the way - saigon kick
breathe easy - sugababes
drive - the cars
breeze - sophie zelmani

good luck to us, then.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

i woke up in the morning (technically, yesterday morning) and found myself a bit too wide awake for comfort. and for the next few moments i just laid and stared, trying to recall who i was and where i was. it isn't usually like this. got out of bed, changed, forced a bit of food down, and went to the wrong classroom for the wrong class. then ran to the right class. french literature. l'Étranger. and i began to feel nauseous as we discussed Meursault's indifference to emotion. l'étranger.

at the back of my head it worried me tt i wasn't the least worried bout the things i know i should be more concerned with. but i couldn't bring myself to do it. to get concerned, i mean. stoic.

sometime in the afternoon, i remembered our conversation the night before. the only thing i remembered quite clearly, was thinking how cleverly-phrased some of your words were; almost like an angry poem. and i was filled with admiration.

i used to like taking random bus rides just to see where they'd take me. i'd have a jacket for warmth, a water bottle to keep me alive, a notepad and pen for notes to myself, handphone for security, ventolin inhaler for security, tissue for security, my wallet for security in a scrappy bag for- comfort. i won't pretend tt such attempts at reckless abandon didn't make me nervous. just to be safe, i'd note the bus's final destination first though this seldom affected my decision to take it.

more than a year ago, i took my memories- for reference- and got on a ride. i've got nothing to lose anyway, i thought. i disliked the bumpy parts but my rationale was tt if there weren't any bumpy parts, then how would we notice tt the rest of the road was in fact smooth? i didn't know where we were going but i was too busy enjoying the ride. hedonistic.

i hated tt you made me choose. did you know tt i'm a sore loser? yeah, a closet one. i hated tt you mocked me. it made me feel, for the first time in my life, contempt against you. but maybe it's for the better, considering my tendency to associate myself with such emotional travails. for doesn't all we do come down to self-gratification?

:: Falling From Grace - gentle waves

Monday, August 07, 2006

i find it difficult to love people who love me. i find tt i only love that which i know i cannot have. tt's the way my body feels; tt's the way my mind feels. i have to make an effort to miss people and i guess this may make me seem a little heartless, but i'm not going to lie.

one day everyone who loves me will realise tt i am truly heartless in the way i am and tt i am not inclined to be otherwise, and they will leave me. and they will leave me be. the only problem will be tt it will be undoubtedly hard for them.. and tt i might not be inclined to care much.

then will come the day when i will be deprived of this much and then we'll be back at the start; where i cannot have anything and anything is what i'll want.

how did we get into this mess?

Saturday, August 05, 2006

i was waiting for the bus today and a bird peed on my hand. so i went and bought a 1$ scratch-n-win ticket at the interchange.





A$2! ...prizes to be collected at murray street mall which i have to spend another dollar to get to. l'absurdité de la vie? euh, peut-être.

have been slightly inundated with all the work. also been busy with training for hockey inter-college, doing useless things online, going for river cruise in pink polka-dotted pyjamas, getting a bit PR with freshies, buying 5$ shirts from harbourtown, trying not to eat out so much, yadda yadda yadda...

ce que je devrai faire les jours suivants:
- apprendre chanter Panis Angelicus
- préparer les cours de révision (pour le lundi)
- préparer le tute étudies asie
- faire la lessive
- finir de lire l'Étranger
- préparer le tute anthrop
- coudre les trous de mon pantalon et de mon jean


:: Fair - remy zero

my skin likes it when you do what you do. insatiable.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006