i forgot to tell you tt joseph called me frm perth at noon the other day just to wish me happy birthday. other pple sent msgs. tt made me feel a bit bad for him.

i wanted to talk to iris bout something but she can't stop wingeing bout how she has no one to go to parties with.

just talked to lidong online. told him wat i was thinking bout the other day. how everytime i used to ask him where we were going or wat route we were going by, he'd brush me off and say "i know the way lah..." and then when we reach wherever, he's say something like "see we're here." like as if i didn't believe he knew the way. tt alwyas hurt me cos i never said i dind't trust him. i just wanted to know the way. the route is always shorter when you can anticipate it. you so clever you know the way, you cannot teach me so i can know is it? i was thinking bout this the other dya and i felt really sad tt he never understood how to get out of tt defensive mode to understand why i did the things i did.

and so i told him. it started off with him telling me he'd just joined tennis club and i lamented tt i never got to wtach him play tennis and tt i never really got to watch him do the things he enjoyed doing or to watch him enjoying himself. he replied tt i hated sports anyway and he always felt pressured to do well round me anyway. i was surprised tt up till now he still hadn't figured out tt i DON'T hate sports. i really enjoy badminton, and jogging and hassling other girls on the soccer pitch, and i always make it a point to watch the sea games and asian games and sometimes world cup too. i felt really misunderstood. i mean i don't even dislike sports. i said "you always assumed". maybe tt sounded antagonistic.

then i remembered wat i thought of the other day bout how he always thought i mistrusted him. so i told him everything. and he said "yeah so wat if we're talking about me, i'm not going to do anything about it cos u said its ur issue already, n i concur". (the other day i was telling him how i missed him and all but said i should solve it cos it's my own issue. that was my issue, yes, but this was soemthing else altogether but he didn't agree). then he said tt it was up to me if i didn't want to be his friend anymore. now tt made me upset. i didn't even mention anything like tt and i duno why he kept bringing it up. two or three times.

i told him and i said i'm just trying to realise tt if he was always going to be so defensive with pple, he wouldn't be able to see things frm a different view.

he: yes, the whole "i see the bigger picture" attitude... frankly, have u considered the reason y am so defensive is that u're so critical? that my mum is so critical. so i'm defensive ard both of u but not other ppl.. so who needs to change now?

why is it so difficult to make him understand? it's true i can be critical sometimes. but not when i'm asking him directions. not when i'm asking why he thinks some girl is cute. why doesn't he seem to see it? if i didn't care a shit bout him i think i wouldn't give a fuck wat he thought bout me. i wouldn't care if he thought i was mistrusting and unreasonably critical. i told you it was a fucking tragic story. i told you. and you know i don't just use words for no good reason. why am i so fucking upset. rgh. stop fucking crying.

i wonder how many pple realise tt often blogposts are not representative of the day in question.

:: Hell's Bells - the dandy warhols

i don't remember telling you, i felt a bit lonely and out of place at the start of last semester. oh wait this sounds familiar. i think i've mentioned it before.. ok anyways, every night or mornite i'd tell myself it'll probably go away when i wake up. well it didn't but i got used to it. i figured half way through tt it was good for me but i'm still deciding if i liked it. the other day i found i was actually worried i won't see many familiar faces come semester one, 09. i don't mind being a bit of a wanderer again. but i'll need at least one weekly dose of a regina to keep me sane i think. it'll all fall in place right? well it has to cos i have no choice anyway. it's either like tt or like tt (this philosophy has served me well for most parts of my life).

:: Roy's Toy - jeff beck

haha eh check it out! winamp is being so cheeky today. haha. hell's bells and roy's toy. so clever to rhyme, you are! what are the chances, hey?

i read just now tt rae said i make her feel like home (in perth). tt surprised me cos i never knew she felt like tt. i guess it's the same way regina makes me feel at home. maybe cos in the way regina reminds me a bit of zehzeh, i remind rae of her sister? like the way i'm all sporty (only applies to perth me) and a bit heck care? it's comforting to know i can make someone feel that way. if i can do tt without even trying does tt make me gifted?

haven't spoken to karin in a while. where you at, karin? i feel a bit bad.

zehzeh said let's go eat amk crab beehoon on thurs. and then mummy said why not bring melia to eat at tt french place? so i said ok let's go to tt french place. and then i realised thurs is my birthday and it all fell into place in my head. but then it shouldn't matter. it's just another day anyway.

lidong wants to major in peace and conflict studies. i was quite alarmed when he told me. i'm not exaggerating. i was alarmed. like worried kind. i told him i didn't think he'd be good at it. because i'm a critical bitch and because i felt pms-ly compelled to think aloud. and then he started getting a bit defensive-like. later i thought bout the way he reacted and wondered why he chose to tell me how i wasn't qualified to say tt instead of trying to explain to me his reasons for wanting to take tt major.

:: Starting Over Again - natalie cole

sometimes i wish i cared more for daddy's side of the family. more than i do, i.e.
but i never feel inclined to and it makes me sad. i guess daddy thinks i hate him and tt makes me feel bad inside as well.

my sprained ankle is looking very bruised and gross.

i fell dwn some stairs on wed. haha. i don't remember how many steps, 3 maybe? i'd just visited edmen at his new place and was walking to the interchange. what a klutz man.. it usually takes quite a bit of a fall for me to sprain my ankle since i'm double-jointed. this was the most painful sprain i'd ever had. couldn't even get up for five mins. mustve been a funny sight. i was sitting on the floor in a short skirt very unglamorously, wailing and edmen was standing over me trying to get me to stand up. then this indian aunty walked past with her husband and looked at me curiously: ... exercising ah? HAHAHAHAHAHA i didn't know whether to laugh or cry hahaha. No... fell down hahha oww haahaha- aaaah. wat a joke.

went for a trial at al dente at the esplanade on mon or tues. they made me stand outside the restaurant to play hostess. didn't like the job for several reasons. and i also find an ethical problem in promoting food tt i've never tried. just doesn't seem right. i've never imagined myself working in tt kind of naik atas restaurant anyway.

yesterday evening mummy said why don't i teach them some french words. so i limped round the hse sticking post-its on le mur, la porte, le miroir, la poule (the chicken mobile), la télé then listened in amusement and a bit of irritation throughout the night as mummy, uncle jeffrey and zehzeh massacred the given french lexicon.

still haven't booked my flight or applied for my visa. i'm soo not ready for canada. oh ya, i got the 3000 AUD bursary frm uw. yay for me.

where do tears go when you hold them back? after about two hrs of refusing to cry in public, the tide of tears i'd been holding back had mysteriously disappeared. but i suddenly felt really lightheaded and stoned. where did the tears go? will they become toxic and pollute my insides? do they flow back into a common pool of saltwater and find a way out through someone else's eyes? will they reappear, disguised as viscous nasal secretion? maybe they will lie dormant, and wait for the next time to reappear, crashing onto the floor in torrents.

i haven't had time to play guitar yet. blurgh.


stupid visa. gotta do it tmr. ugh. more like later today. got job interview/trial too at 5pm. bye

oh i forgot to tell you results. they came out on the 9th and i'm really pleased with them:

FREN2221 French Intellectuals & Literary History 68 CR
FREN3305 French Advanced I 83 HD
LING2201 Phonetics and Phonology 80 HD
LING2203 Language Variation and Change 78 D

CR= credit
D= distinction
HD= high distinction

woohoo!!! i hope i do ok in ottawa. i wonder if i'll end up dropping tt fifth unit. hope hope hope my french improves, never mind if i end up with a bit of a quebecois accent.

lidong came online just now. says he's settling in ok, bought a heater and all. sounds good. i'm happy for him. but now i know how it feels like to have someone leave you. aiyah. - i love you for sentimental reasons.

i've been sleeping after 6am. not healthy, you. ya i know.

yesterday (saturday) we had a damn good buffet dinner at Oscar's at conrad to celebrate zehzeh's graduation cos mummy and uncle jeffrey were staying there for their anniversary. $55 per person but very worth it. i think i wanna go again. haha.

saw dim sum dollies matinee show with karin today. it wasn't as good as the first one i saw but still good. emma yong's voice stood out the most. i should audition for some musical one day. i really want to try tt. anyways, pretty clever use of puns and chinese dialects and malay today but for those who didn't understand any of those languages, kesian diaorang cos the show wouldn't have been half as funny. ogt me some autographed merchandise too.

van houten chocolate powder, chocolate nougat cream and classic vanilla ice cream.

it's a good thing lidong's in queensland now tt we're not together. cos i just went to striP for a wax the other day and we both know i can't control myself with him. oh well. tough shit, amelia. haha.

zehzeh graduation this coming afternoon and she's still out playing mahjong. mummy and uncle jeffrey are celebrating their anniversary at conrad tonight. i'm thinking of not going to church again tmr. familiar smells, familiar pple, familiar feeling. ugh.

i need to buy my bloody ticket soon and apply for my bloody study permit. what a drag. i realised i spent almost 24 hrs since i got back trying to find a cheap ticket online. i'm not very good at this travelling thing i think. i need this i guess. it'll do me good yes?

did i tell you i don't have a job anymore? the manager said can can but then a week later he messages to say oh the boss said two mths is too short. tsk, well thanks for telling me after giving me false hopes and making me wait.. i was really annoyed and disappointed. just sent my resume to ben&jerry's. hopefully i'll get tt, and the one at cathay so i can watch some live music. 2 in 1.

ce que j'ai déjà fait ces vacances:
- regardé un dvd (curse of the golden flower)
- eu quelques repas japonaises
- vu un film au cinema (surf's up) et un francais a l'alliance (une affaire de goût)
- cherche un job (cherchant toujours)
- sorti avec lidong
- sorti avec karin et mes amis de currie hall
- allée esplanade pour regarder des musiciens
- acheté les tickets d'un spectacle (dim sum dollies)
- lu le journal (un peu)
- mangé a crystal jade
- fait beaucoup de shopping et des promenades
- rendezvous avec nurul et vien et les BCs

tous cela dans moins qu'une semaine. pas mal, amélia. ah oui, merci.

i got an mp3 player cos my 'qool' one spoilt during the essay week. new one's frm creative. and i purposely left the plastic wrap on cos i wnated to try to keep my things properly for once. but the bloody fucking plastic ended up scratching it rather than protecting it. i'm fukcing pissed with myself cos my two-day-old mp3 player looks a fucking yr old. very disappointed with you, amelia. stupid fucking idiot. i hate disappointing myself.

daddy called me yesterday to ask me to organise a family bbq. why don't you just ask zehzeh to do it? unlike her, i am actually looking for a bloody job. and i spend half my fucking time trying to find a cheap flight to save your money.

daddy told me the other day, my work is getting more and more stressful.. always so tired.
me: retire lah. (daddy is 60 next yr. he doesn't look it but yea he is)
daddy: no lah, i don't have enough savings how to retire.
me: zehzeh and i going to work next time what. you worry for what?
daddy: no lah, tt is your own money.

i am very disturbed. daddy is always like this. this is why he's always so unwilling to spend money on us. everything also complain too expensive. he only wants to save money for himself. for someone who earns 8k a month, i really don't see how you could have not enough money to retire. pple who earn much less cna do it, why cna't you. how much money you need then you happy? ya but i have to pay income tax and all. these things also need money. so? only you pay ah? everyone else no need to pay is it?

if you give or had given selflessly, i wouldn't hesitate to donate a third of my pay every month to your retirement fund. but you're so concerned with wanting to have a comfortable retirement, you don't even know how to share and to enjoy yourself. how sad is tt. if you suddenly die tmr, what use will all of this be? all for nothing; you wouldn't get to enjoy it. it's not tt i want your money. i just wish you weren't so self-ish.

daddy gave me 2000 AUD to put into my westpac acct as emergency money (hospital bills, watever) and i'm using tt money to collect interest. when i told him and i asked him if the 2000 was for me to keep, he was like huh... you want to keep it? fine then, i don't want your stupid money. keep it. if you told me you wanted to give it to pple who don't have enough to get by each month, i'd say take it. but if it's for your stupid retirement, then i feel insulted. it's not like i' so irresponsible tt i won't support you when you're hardup on cash. i'm not like you. i hate this. i hate myself. fucking mp3 player with all the scratches. i hate looking at it. if the scratches accumulated from use, i wouldn't hate it cos it'd remind me of how well it served me. now it's just ugly. i hate myself for trying so hard but screwing it up. fucking selfish father. i hate you for your the way you expect so much from us but give so little. i called back home when i reached daddy's hse the other day. then daddy said why you're with me also must call back to say you reached? like he was offended. she's my mother, she's worried for me. wat if the car had gotten into a car accident? you just think she doesn't trust you. you never think that she does it cos she loves me? stupid. maybe if you had been around more instead of wokring your butt off to save for your fucking retirement you'd understand how it's like to be a parent. why am so angry why am i so angry. i feel like killing someone.

haha i just realised, it's our first month break-up anniversary, lidong! haha. happy anniversary to us! HAHA. {:o)

met up with lidong thursday evening and we went to brewerkz. i had alredya warned him i was gonna hug and kiss him when i saw him at the mrt. i'm glad he hugged me back. had to keep reminding myself after tt tt he's not my bf anymore and to resist the urge to hold his hand or make out with him or be real manja and all. this is wat i worried most about in terms of getting used to us being just friends. (ya lah... i know, i'm always damn gatal and i need to control myself).

but the whole outing was just like all the other ones we've had over the past 2 yrs.. he said it himself too. only difference is tt we weren't holding hands or issing or cuddling. i wonder if he's still worried tt he doesn't know how to be my good friend. he's lost weight and he bought new specs. matt-silverish rectangular pair. looks good. tsk stop it amelia. you can't imagine how hard it was for me to control myself. i wanted so badly to hold his hand, snuggle my nose into his neck and whisper in his ear. cannot cannot cannot cannot. but his teeth are so cute. haha. i'm really happy we're at least on talking terms now.

moving on.. mummy zeh zeh and i went out today (i woke up in the MORNING!). we had lunch at komala's then mummy got me new sports shoes and a pair of crocs slippers cos the guy at feder sports said they're the only kind i can wear for good support other than birks. then we bought some more stuff two bras ($27) and one bag ($10),and then collected zehzeh's graduation gown hah. then later on i went shopping by myself. stuff i bought: 5 panties ($25), two pairs of plastic holey shoes ($28), three bags ($13), 3 sets of stickers ($3), one cool placemat ($2), lipgloss ($7). i love shopping cheap. so fulfilling. cept tt i found out my plastic shoes are half the price at peninsular. tsk. nvm i wouldn't have known.. and they might not have had my size there anyways.

oh i got a job you know, at my favourite jap curry place. the guy spposed to call me today (fri) to tell me when i can start training but he hasn't so erm oh well. hope i'll like waitressing cos since i have the job already i don't want to be hating it. hoep my friends come and visit and i don't screw up. hah. {:oP

tjia tjia's wedding tmr morning. i really should be sleeping. blurgh.

oh ya, i met up with nurul the other day. camelia spposed to come but she got stuck at work and rima has disappeared so erm, ya.

oh and there's a FUCKING huuuuuge ass cockroach in my rm. good thing i'm still sleping in zehzeh's rm. ugh i haaaaaaate cockroaches. i haaaaaaaaaaaate them.

:: Dirge - death in vegas

lidong has changed his friendster status to 'single'. i have this feeling he's been checking up on me to see when i'd change mine. and then as soon as i did after our not very nice conversation last mornite, he changed his too.

i dun believe i shud tolerate u as a fren or try to be one to u because i cant atm
a shard of honesty which u nv extended to me.

ouch. it wouldn't have been as painful if i felt it was true. noidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcare. i told him it was tragic. if not for him, then for me. idontcareidontcareidontcareidontcare. i'm not going to harp on it and take two stupid yrs to get over this. sodumbsodumbsodumbsodumb. i wonder how this is gonna work out for me. i still have a grey army shirt, one army singlet, the cambodia singlet and boxer shorts whihc i bought him and whihc he used to wear when he stayed over, his army cap, two of his baby photos, lots of pictures of us, the silver lizard pendant he gave me for our one-yr anniversary, ubiquitous crystal jade restaurants to remind me how often we'd eat there. roast chicken-duck porridge and beef horfun.

idontcareidontcareidontcaresodumbsodumbsodumbwhylikethatwhywhywhywhywhy

i don't think i want to speak to him till he's sorted out his own problems. i don't need to cry anymore. nomorenomorenomorenomore.


mummy is awake. time to sleep before she says soemthing. bye.