Sunday, April 10, 2005

leaving for cambodia in less than 10 hrs.

i wonder if i'll have time to miss the pple i love while i'm there; reckon i'll be pretty busy. but when the silent Banlung night falls each day, i will turn into cold turkey without internet/msn access; i'll think of my baby, my bed and how i'll survive the next 20, 19, 18 .. .. nights. and maybe i'd also wonder when and what the next meal will be.

i've graduated from being logistically unprepared to physiologically and emotionally unprepared. but i had promised myself a challenge, no?
i just thought bout the long list of things i will do when i get back. i will be a busy busy woman.

i hope this trip will knock some sense of ambition into my fickle mind and help me figure what to do with my life. ok gotta get to bathing and reading the notes on cambodia and practising my khmer.
back 1st may. LATERS.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

listening to zero 7's Somersault now cos i feel like i'm on the edge and this is one of the last things i'd like to hear before i die. when i'm old enough, i'll gasp for breath and feel a pain in my chest and heave a last time. goodbye.

i have no time for pms. it better bloody come now (pun unintended). i don't want to have to deal with hot flashes, depression and diarrhoea in cambodia. i'm tired now and please don't let this be the flu. today desmond made me co-leader of the expedition so i gotta be good enough for me.

sleep.
when i was about 11, i wanted to believe in things i was never taught to believe in- santa claus, the tooth fairy, suchlike, suchlike. for a period of time, i'd put my tooth under my pillow and tell mummy, "The tooth fairy is coming to take my tooth and give me some money for it right?" "i dunno," she'd say nonchalantly, and i thought she was just pretending not to care because she didn't want to spoil the surprise. i even made the effort to make myself very tired so tt i wouldn't wake up while the 'tooth fairy' was leaving the money (i figured tt would've spoiled the magic). the next day i'd wake up to find my tooth right where i'd left it and no money or sweets in its place and i'd be extremely disappointed. i was just wishing someone would give me something to believe in, a piece of fantasy that i never knew. same thing went for the christmas stockings. i thought maybe mummy hung them on our door cos she wanted to play santa claus. of course, i'd wake up on christmas morning disillusioned by the tragic realisation tt in our hse, christmas stockings=decoration ONLY. i can't remember why i gave up.

i guess i still live like tt sometimes; sometimes i just want things to work so badly. i'd love for everything to be dreamy and shit. maybe melancholic and effecting. i can't remember if and when anyone's ever told me tt being a delusional idealist was wrong. not tt it would've mattered much. oh i wish i could be a real mountain tortoise. now wouldn't tt be fun. i'd traipse as slowly as i wanted round the boundless land and i'd be close to the flowers and the grassy smells and the sky would look much bigger than it does now. and when i'm in a wallowy mellowy mood, i could tuck my head in my house and be for a few moments careless and curt.

what if things just happened and we didn't have to burden ourselves with words and other undecidedly superfluous things? would tt then be liberating or just plain boring?

amelia, you seem to be under the impression tt your new-found elfish-nerdiness warrants such maverick idiosyncrasy. mm. mm.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

it's a sweet day, with the unremitting sky juice.

i'm not even through with the magazines i bought but i've started reading Life After God again.

:: Champagne Supernova - oasis

that book never fails to throw me into a most subliminal composure.

loving him was like loving a beautiful stone. sometimes i'd get bits of it chipping off for keeps (since i love to collect bits and pieces of sentiment), sometimes i'd get nothing and it'd just feel hard, with its crevices that exuded tt endearing charm and hostility.

now i bathe in a different kind of light. it all slowly trickled into my mind when i was eating my brunch just now and thinking bout the man i love and what he questioned last night. you're more than i've ever known and sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve all this. where did i find someone who loves me more than i love myself? maybe it's just what i need. i need you, baby; and tt's why we deserve each other.

:: Don't Worry, Baby - the beach boys
:: Vienna - billy joel


i don't know why i'm glad he came over, but i'm glad he did. you're more than what i asked for (i'd just asked for a muse) and i'm grateful you are.

i kept grinning to myself during thursday's cantor meeting cos i wasn't a bit nervous and i also fell in love with the psalms. and suddenly everything felt good.

my biggest worry now is growing tired of this bliss.

once in a (long) while i sit down and wax my legs, paint my nails and read a whole lot of magazines. it keeps me sane, this spontaneous and sporadic pampering. it makes me feel less masochistic than i really am and it's liberating. so now tt sch's out, no prizes for guessing wat i'm doing now... heh (answer starts with 'basecoat').

ooh look at this. hah yum! we gotta try this, karin.

:: russell peters stand up comedy

haha fuck.

Friday, April 01, 2005

You scored as Art Freak. You artsy fartsy kid you. You rock my world.

Art Freak

50%

Loner

44%

Cheerleader/Jock

38%

Nerd

31%

Loser

19%

Punk Ass Kid

6%

What's You're Sterotype?
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You scored as Middle Class. You're content in your position and would prefer a house or a family than a seven figure pay cheque. But you have your moments of weakness when you buy a lottery ticket in the hope of knowing how the rich and famous live.

Middle Class

75%

alternative

58%

Upper middle Class

54%

Lower Class

33%

Luxurious Upper Class

29%

What Social Status are you?
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You scored as Musical/Rhythmic. You are sensitive to sounds in your environment, enjoy music and prefer listening to music when you study or read. You learn best through melody and music. People like you include singers, conductors, composers, and others who appreciate the various elements of music.

Musical/Rhythmic

86%

Intrapersonal

82%

Interpersonal

68%

Visual/Spatial

68%

Verbal/Linguistic

64%

Bodily/Kinesthetic

50%

Logical/Mathematical

25%

The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
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You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life.



“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”

“It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.”

--Jean-Paul Sartre



“It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.”

--Blaise Pascal



More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

Existentialism

75%

Justice (Fairness)

70%

Hedonism

65%

Utilitarianism

65%

Kantianism

45%

Strong Egoism

40%

Divine Command

35%

Apathy

35%

Nihilism

15%

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
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