bumped into nadia olisa on the mrt at potong pasir yesterday after leaving godma's hse after having lunch with her and napping at her place after the singing sessions at the old folks home. before i said bye, i said 'say hi to the rest for me' and she was like 'ya i will, they'll be surprised to hear i met you on the train...' and something bout how they'll be like 'oh ya wat happened to amelia' and all that and suddenly i wondered why i even said what i said. you know you didn't mean it, amelia. ya i know i didn't. what a betch, eh? haha. i guess i was just extremely desperate to dissipate the overwhelming air of awkwardness and whydoihavetobehere feeling. i did a bit of thinking (very little, in fact) and concluded that i wasn't interested in what they would have to say about me. i stopped being interested a long time ago and i've been relatively happy. so there.

met the durgs for dinner today at the usual place at wisma. talked bout the ex-relationship and i ended up getting emo on the way home, thanks to the crash test dummies.

Running into you like this without warning
is like catching a sniff of tequila in the morning
But I'll try, I'll try to keep my food down
That's quite an after-taste that you've left
now that you're not around

You can just pretend we're not in the same room
Well, alright, I'll just mosey to the bathroom
You flew by like a summer vacation
And you left me with TV-movies and a messy kitchen

I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile - but until then I'll stay in and sleep late, excuse me
I'll buy a fast car, I'll drive fast from here
There's a beach I haven't seen since last year -
It's far, but I like night drives
It just makes it nicer when I do arrive

Aren't you going to miss me?
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?

Well, you can bet that I'll forget how it was then
All the drives to your farm for the weekend
But I've seen the swimsuit magazines
And I've smelled tequila first thing in the morning

pretty much sums it up.

and then there's that magnetic fields song. i couldn't think of a better way to put it.

I don't want to get over you.
I guess I could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will
And not have to go through what I go through.
I guess I should take Prozac, right,
And just smile all night at somebody new,
Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind
who would try to get you off my mind.
I could leave this agony behind which is just what I'd do if I wanted to,
But I don't want to get over you cause
I don't want to get over love.
I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist
And not have to dream of what I dream of;

I could listen to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough,
Or I could make a career of being blue
I could dress in black and read Camus,
Smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth like I was 17
that would be a scream
But I don't want to get over you.

mm i love clever lyrics like that. i wanna write a clever song like that before i die.

so i came home and looked out the living room window and looked dwn and i was half expecting to see lidong come out frm under the void deck and wave at me. emo slut. tsk, i am not an emo slut. but seriously, do you ever suddenly get the feeling that out of the blue, someone just picked you up and for no reason placed you on a different section of the timeline travelator thing? for a moment it was like that for me and it was like i had gone back in time. but obviously no lidong appeared. so i looked up at the sky and noticed for the very first time, that i could see the stars. which was strange cos i'd never noticed before that they were visible from the living rm window. i even spotted the tiny tiny tiny ones. i like surprises like that. then i thought bout what lidong would see if he were there with me. would he have spotted the tiny stars too? i'd imagined he'd have a hard time understanding how i could be so enthralled and delighted by a bunch of tiny stars. and then i concluded that this is why we're not together anymore.

because it's not in the stars, really.

(pun UNINTENDED!! really... i just thought of it. how anti-climatic. i think i totally just blew my emo post. hah. tsk, what a lame shit.)
i think it's time for bed.

i was at work yesterday when a cliff richard song played on the radio: it's so funny.. how we don't taaalk anymore.... it's so funny how we don't taaaalk anymooore..


oh, et g pas échoué à lin2310A en passant.

occasionally i feel lonely. this is one of those occasions.

:: the familiar white noise that is cars whizzing down the expressway

i got a job! and a good one, which pays well too. the girl told me the pay was ognna be low and i was crossing my fingers please.. not 4.50 or less.. and then she said 6/hr. i was like oh. stun tiok. tt's ok what. i was looking for anything 6 and more /hr anyway.

working at The InnCrowd Backpackers Hostel near tekka mkt for the next month or so. so far the colleagues are nice and the work is fun. today was my first day. i got to wash bed linen and blankets all throughout my shift, clean the kitchen, handle some check-ins and -outs, walk the boarders to the other building if they're staying there, answer questions bout singapore. and i even had french customers today! which was pretty lucky for them and for me cos of all days they chose to arrive on a day after the hostel hires a their first francophone crew/person/runner/sai-gang person, and the woman could hardly speak english so she was a bit relieved to have me translate what my colleagues said. and good for me cos i was hoping that my new job would allow me to practise my french so i won't forget.

i wish i knew, karin.

i was on medication yesterday. walked round like a wide-eyed zombie, unblinking. then knocked out on my bed at daddy's hse for more than 12 hrs. i've been feeling very uncomfortable with myself since the last day of last year. happy new year. we start off with a dose of antihistamines and a little rehashing of past afflictions.

i was slightly afraid of coming back here. the last time i came back, i went to town and in one outing i bumped into five people i knew. i was afraid of that kind of luck. how was i gonna go downtown without running the risk of bumping into lidong, or his family, or any lidong-related acquaintances? but, watever. thanks to not having caller-id, i inadvertently answered two of his calls on new years eve (which i nervously but promptly hung up). he later msged me saying that he sortof figured i'd been hanging up on him and i should save his number so i wouldn't have to bother answering at all and hinted that if i decided to call him, we might have a conversation. that made me feel a bit bad- not for blatantly ignoring him, but for the fact that i hung up on him. he always hated that.


i've always been not very good at ignoring people. i didn't think it'd be too difficult this time. since i had nothing left to say to him since that last conversation we had. and after what he had said to me, i didn't think he was ever going to bother himself with me either.

"... n pls dun flatter urself, i dun care that much for u anymore, not enuff to form an opinion of u at least"

i thought of us a bit when i first got back. the way we were and everything. i was just being sentimental.. and/or horny/ovulating. and then i'd remember what he said and then it'd made me upset all over again. not angry upset or sad upset or even emo upset. just empty and confused upset. i've always believed that it's better to sort things out if it means making life more comfortable but i have nothing left to say and i cannot imagine what he would want to say to me now. i'm not sure if apologies would even matter right now (though i really cannot imagine him feeling sorry about anything he said to me). maybe it's just to talk?... talk? eh? i don't think i could concentrate. it still makes me cringe.

i don't know what to do with myself. i wish karin were here. i need a job.