"COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON"

i don't get why pple can't just say merry belated christmas or something like tt. or at least come up with a short form for cccooommmppllimmeeeennttss oooffff ttthhhee seeeaaaasssooonn. see how long tt is? and it doesnt help tt i try and say it quickly everytime i meet another relative.

i'm gonna make my parents switch to skype. they insisted i add them on msn and then tecah them how to use it so they can talk to me in perth next time. and then yesterday mummy demanded to know "what's the meaning of this", this meaning my msn nickname. "what is meringue? hah? and what is this we are lovers?!"

tsk. meringue is lemon meringue pie and the rest are lyrics to a song i lke right now, maaaah...

of course it's also true tt my bf and i are lovers in our own rights, but mummy doesn't need to know tt of course. (protection is important, kids! hur hur)

finally got the christmas pageant over and done with. we ran into a shitload of glitches and other trippy stuff which is a bit annoying cos we practised so much. i also felt i sang better during the practices. microphones make me sound un-nice.

came across this while at work yesterday. haha so soo wicked.

had a really bad dream last night. good friend was over in my kitchen and i saw sores on her back and she looked uncomfortable. so i said wats tt and she cried and told me the doctors said she had blood lymphoma. i've never heard of blood lymphoma so i looked it up online. haven't found it yet but it sounds serious enough. i hope good friend does not really have watever disease it is. please, no.

i think i am slightly dyslexic. like when someone asks me type or write something with a letter a, i always type 4 and vice versa. and it'd not a typo error. when i'm thinking of number 6, i type out an S. sometimes i write P when i mean 9. maybe it's just the way my brain stores stuff. sometimes when i number things, and then i get distracted, my brain goes backwards and i start writing the remaining numbers in descending order. i think this is why it takes me so much effort to organise myself or do things like pack my room.

it's painfully quiet.



for the past 3 days, a bad spell. before tt, a not-bad spell which i can barely recall.

tonight as we stood at the dark alley at rowell rd, i glanced to my left and saw an ahpek-driven trishaw nonchalantly peddling a plumpish indian lady past us, dwn the lane perpendicular to the pathway on which we stood. quaint, i thought. 10 minutes later, as when we were making our way up tt lane, i spotted the same pair peddling towards and right past us on the right, in the exact same direction they came frm, their expressions as blasé as before. and so the night is as uncanny as the uneasiness that plagues me.

nanny's death anniversary yesterday left me disconcerted for reasons i don't think the other family members could fathom. so i spent most of my time looking stoned and watching clive in between. i don't like feeling left out and i don't like being ignored and i don't like having to keep quiet just because i have nothing refreshing to say. there was a time when i thought i'd never know what it feels like to experience disesteem. well, i guess now i have little reason to feel left out in this aspect.

i don't understand why sometimes operations in my head slow down to a chug---a-----chugg------ rate. i imagine it'd be something like a train tt just pulls up into a station but never really comes to a stop. the inertia festers and dissolves into a nagging air of malaise.

do you wonder what you will tell your children? i will tell them stories of pple i know whose lives are an epitome of drama (because as a youth, mummy was a little common in my actions, i would say).

i need these demons to go away.

i hate myself and i feel fat and ugly. i don't always feel like tt. just sometimes. it's not nice. you know how much i hate my face? i just realised i look like a fucking pig when i smile, did you know.

when lidong finishes his new course at changi, i'll be packing off to perth. if im in a crappy mood like i am now while i'm stuck in perth, i wonder wat i'll resort to. it'll be lonely without my baby. fucking period. fukcing face. how did i get like this.


yesterday they changed the venue for mummy's bday dinner and no one told me. went to novena and everyone else went to east coast lagoon. but God made me go there cos i had to help an old woman jay walk. she asked me if i wanted to eat with her but i said sorry i had dinner planned. maybe i shouldve walked back and ate with her after i found out curryleaf was closed and they were all at east coast. maybe i don't have to like myself. i dont think the pple i help really care bout how i look like. but somehow tt doesnt make me feel better. you know how some pple just have tt kind of face tt pple think is pretty? when they breakout or dress like crap, somehow pple still think they look good. i feel foolish for being so impertinent and so jealous and superficial. but i cant make this feeling go away. isnt tt the worst thing bout a high? the only way is back down or lower.

:: First of the Gang - morrissey

lately i've been falling to pieces. i'm tetchy, volatile, and more forgetful than usual. and i'm not even bothering to stop being any of these. i'm not one of those girls who blame everything on pms, but when i start feeling out of myself i can't help but think it might be pms. plus, my period is late so i guess for the past 3 weeks, my fucking hormones have nowhere to go except my brain, where they will sit in the little crannies where the screws used to be and start doing the dikir barat or discoursing how self obsessed i am.

-but who said love isn't selfish? ok so they did say tt in the bible and i've heard it at the countless weddings i've sung for, but if you entertain tt tingly feeling of yours and subsequently fall into the most beautiful mush of emotions tt you never want to abandon, doesn't tt make you humanly indulgent and ultimately a little self-ish? i loved once with all my foolish little heart could offer but then i learnt to become harder and more self-ish and i'm trying to find the right balance so tt i will love with all i can without being stupefied too often for my own good. this, so tt i will not love you because i am foolish, but rather because i want what i think's good for me. and for you.

happy happy late 21st to the boyfriend. i love you so much, baby baby baby.


oh i don't like to sleep alone.

i like taking little notes. i don't know what for. i always think i'll get back to them later. even if i don't, it feels good to know tt there's something waiting for me. in less than 24 hrs, ive had 2 pple pointing out how they can never hold a conversation with me without me jumping frm topic to topic. i never realised i did tt. sometimes i skip commenting on something then come back to it later. like those little notes i take. i wonder why i do this; it's not like it makes me more organised.

:: You Belong To Me - bob dylan

{:o))))))) i suddenly feel good. this is nice, even if only for a while. i just needed reassurance from my baby. i like the way you feel and the way you make me feel.

:: Guiding Light - the veils

there is an aura of moroseness around me tt i cannot seem to escape. i cannot understand why i'm feeling so sullen and i'm harbouring a grudge against nothing and everything and it's eating me inside out. just thinking bout how angry i am makes me angrier still. i am only surprised tt despite this abject hopelessness, i haven't really had the urge to hurt myself like i always do. except once two days ago when i hit the back of my head a couple of times with the showerhead. maybe i was trying to knock myself out, i can't remember. pain is good because it tells you you're alive; so tt if you want to be alive, you can be relieved; and if you want to be dead, you know you just have to try a little harder. i really wish i wasn't feeling so miserable. believe me i'm trying so hard to pull myself out of this bog.

i don't understand myself or my emotions. i've been crying my eyes out the past two days and i'm feeling drained and emotionally jaded. i know i'm selfish in the way i love. and sometimes the things you say make me feel like i'm not good enough and tt he's gonna leave me. and it aches so bad. but then maybe i deserve it because the reason i love him is tt i love to love him and i love the way he loves me. so tt ultimately makes me self indulgent and hedonistic, doesn't it? it's not his fault i'm delusional, but i really don't like being called dramatic. i've heard that accusation before - from a guy who once loved me.


my nerves are not in good shape. i came home to an unlocked door and unlocked gate and i pushed it open and called out to mama's maid who had stayed ove rhte night before. no answer. wat if she went out and left the gate unlocked and someone entered the hse? i stood at the door and trembled as i imagined the worst. finally ahwie came out of the toilet and claimed tt she had locked the door. fucking liar, i thought to myself then went round the hse, opening every single cupboard to make sure there were no strangers hiding anywhere.

:: Ordinary Morning - sheryl crow

i cant remember the last time i cried like this. because i can't remember many things anymore. i vaguely remember being afraid of this, of hurting someone the way i know i would hate to be hurt. i've been feeling insecure and frustrated and inundated with- fuck help me.

ok, so here's the deal for the next few busy days:

Tmr (tt's thursday, ya):
work.
send mummy and uncle jeffrey to airport at 5 plus/6.
meet karin for alley bar (SHIIIIISHAAAhhhh!).
come home with zehzeh and maybe her secret date. hur hur...


Friday:
work. (leave by 1)
to NP to meet desmond and get my referral.
meet karin, durga, karol for dindin.
come home (Important!)
water plants.
wash/iron clothes
fill up hostel application properly.
don't forget the passport size pic!


Saturday:
wake up early.
water plants.
go to idp, hand in application+referral.
jalan raya!* - to nad's.
to church.
to sam-boy's hse for his 3rd bday party.
meet lidong?
come home.


Sunday:
iron/wash clothes.
water plants.
jalan raya again? - chez abang farhan and the rest of camp kampuchea.
meet lidong?
meet daddy?



*i have a feeling this will entail meeting a lot of mcm pple and having to hear bout how much weight i put on. but it's ok, cos should she get miffy, bibik cincak knows tt she can always seek solace in the assortment of kueh tart and other edible things which will undoubtedly be of comfort. yum.

:: Wild Horses - tori amos

sometimes i feel diluted. put up your hands if you feel diluted like i do. thank you.

sometimes i replay moments in my life over and over in my head. and sometimes- only sometimes- i change the endings and imagine a few variations. kind of like in the movie Sliding Doors. then sometimes i get mixed up so tt i can no longer separate the dreams from the memories frm the made-believes. is tt the wonder of life they talk about?

sometimes i dont like to say hello. because i don't want you to think the next time i see you and dont say hello tt i am being un-friendly or un-kindly. just because i've watched you grow up or know where you live or who your friends are, doesn't mean tt i would like you to know tt amount bout me or my life. i won't be surprised if you do though; but i'm just not really keen on knowing.

look, planet claire has Mùm. didn't realise this before.

:: Green Grass of a Tunnel - Mùm

it's frustrating. i feel frustrated and i have a headache. i don't know the cause of either of these and tt gives me a bigger headache and makes me feel even more frustrated.

i don't have the time and/or energy to do the things i have to do outside of work. need to submit my stupid bankdraft to book my hostle but stupid idp closes at 4pm and i finish work at 3.30. how the fuck am i spposed hand to it in then. only leaves me with thursday and saturday. i still have to buy an outfit for the two chinese-themed weddings - 27 nov and 3 dec. and shop for lidong's outfit with him. and get my christmas dress. and wax my fucking legs. and do something bout my cellulite so tt i can meet at least ONE person without having to hear for the hundred-thousandth time bout how bloated i look. and apply for my student visa. and read the books in my cupboard tt i bought on impulse but never took the time to read. and plan wat to do for lidong's 21st. and sleep. and sleep. and watch some tv. and read some newspapers. and go revise my french and my chinese. you see, if i killed myself off i would actually save an indefinite (albeit possibly immense) amount of time and effort.

:: Sand Storm Remix - daruda


so the maan says bestiality is on his mind. Cows, sheep, rams!
so i say why not set up a farm? we will breed livestock specifically for pleasure* (theirs and tt of our patrons) and i will give myself the honour of naming it: BANANA'RAM'A'RAM. of course, we've no qualms if you would like to ram watever other beasts are available.. while stocks last i.e.

* As we will abide by ISO 6969 safety standards, please note that use of protection is mandatory. Genuine sheep intestine condoms are available at our store, for those true animal lovers.

BANANA'RAM'A'RAM - "Because everyone needs a bison to depend on."

my holiday plans have been foiled by a lousy guitar stand. it dropped on my foot and now i am slightly more cacat than i originally was. so no halloween zouk party, bedok reservoir running or excessive gallivanting for me. boo hoo. and it's not like i usually get the time to do these things on a regular basis. damn you, guitar stand! damn yoo!

do pple have a fixed amount of love in their hearts? so lets say you expend all your heart's worth of love, then you become a stone or something. haha.. a stone.

now.. i'm thinking of taking chinese in my first yr at uni. i'm really really ashamed tt i speak such crap chinese. i want to be ashamed no more! will probbaly forgo music since tt's not even examinable and i can read up music history on my own anyway.

i didn't realise before 18 july tt my job description included 'pupil-admonishing, money-collecting and ah-long-san-ing' and debating. at least i haven't had to resort to hanging pig heads on classroom doors- yet. but for every week of the past few mths, i've been cutting up and posting little menacing notes into various teachers' pigeon holes, reminding them and their little brats tt they owe Auntie Librarian XX of overdue books. i think i spend an estimated half an hour each day debating with various unresonable parents and/or their smelly sons over why they have to take responsibility for books borrowed by them. what i thought was common sense is apparently becoming less common and at a very alarming rate..

i like the overall experience though, despite being reminded at least once a day why i never took up teaching. but i like being around the kids sometimes. i think i'm actually pretty good at my job. heh. i tell you, those little shits are gonna miss me when i'm gone. ah-haha. oh shit i'm so tired. but surfing the uwa site is just way too addictive.

:: Ghost in the Machine - last transmission

:: Sail Away Sweet Sister - queen

sometimes the sun shines sideways into the corner of my eye and it feels as if someone is sitting beside me. hmm.

imbecilic parent volunteers = (10 x susah) + (10 x kangkor) = 1 exasperated and antagonized sick librarian.


eh and can someone tell me ah, why the fuck must all local series have spastic actors with dumb accents. they cannot be bothered to find real local talent ah. shit, i'm so peeved.

gonna watch Full Circle now. hah. this one show not so bad. mm ya.

mummy once took me and zehzeh to this place by the beach. i don't know if it's a dream or not though. oh well. read inventing the abbotts again. it's not so much the story but the words she uses and the things she says.

read the papers just now and i must say i'm really proud of the singaporeans who are over helping at the places affected by the earthquake. good job, ya'll.

obladee obladah.

i saw a sticker on a motorbike parked downstairs:

hello brother jangan sandar me ha. hahaha

tt was on the way back home after the hospital. on the way to the hospital, we got into the car and the song playing on the radio was, i wanna wake up with you... and was thinking this is a song i wouldn't sing to an asthma attack hur hur...
a minute before i woke up gasping for air, i dreamt tt i asked someone, "where to buy air from?" a man replied, "go to Popular, there got a lot." haa like wtf right. so when mummy asked me which doctor i wanted to see, i wheezed, "let's go to Popular."

anyway, changi hospital A&E is pretty screwed up. first thing, they asked me to register and then told me, ok tt'll be 65$. hallllo.. i'm dying of an asthma attack.. do you really think i give a fuck bout how much i'm gonna pay you? how bout you treat me first then we'll talk. TSK. then after tt direct me to one room after another, ask me to stand here stand there and wait. then while waiting i looked at the blue sticker they pasted on me shoulder at the registration counter. it read "patient". {:o/

the stuff they gave me in the nebuliser was different from the salty one at mt.A tt made me laugh non-stop. half of the patients there were in handcuffs. how dodgy. i still like my mt.A better.

by the time we got home the sun was up, and the sky was peeking at us through a little hole in the clouds. i was so tickled by it i couldn't stop grinning. i love the sky and the sun and the clouds. and i love the way they look when they all come together. it's like they had an ethereal orgasm and then playfully splattered a rapturous visual of it in the atmosphere above us. in fact, it's such a titillating sight it's almost pornographic.

:: The Waltz - silje nergaard

i spent the past half hour at Shop N Save buying things i never realised i needed - a building puzzle for ages 3 and above, kotex ultra thin long pads (with new white package design!), a pack (6 pkts) of watercress juice, a can of aloe vera & grapefruit juice. on the way to the counter i also picked up a can of smoked oysters on sale.

ok, tt was the doorbell. just parted with another 14$ for 18 servings of wafer icecream (9 ripple, 9 yam). it's DIY but i've never actually put the wafer round the icecream my self anyway, so ya...


the great thing bout buying things i don't need is tt they always seem to cost less than the things i actually do need (HAR-HAR!). see, i spent 13.90 at the supermarket and then 14 just now (27.90, right) instead of investing $23 on the new ZA anti-cellulite thing (which i probably need more than half a dozen smoked oysters). ok, fine, so i sepnt 4.90 more than i should have, but i managed to get 5 items so it just might be a good deal. maybe. ya.

aunty lucy the kawan taitai of the mumsy was here when i came back and she said i put on weight (lately it seems impossible to meet pple without having to hear bout my weight). like everyone else, she insists i look better with the extra meat. i pulled up my shirt and tried to suggest tt i didn't think my paunch was as sexy as she supposed, but she'd have none of it. then, attempting to make me pull down my shirt and perhaps also to hamper my claims, she finally said, "ok ms britney spears-- you're skinner than britney spears."

well excuse me, but hell yea cos i sure as hell ain't pregnant.

i’ve always thought tt becoming more tolerant would make life a bit easier. Well, it sounds like it makes sense doesn’t it? not being so fussy and opening up to anything and everything and waiting for fate to jump out of nowhere and surprise me; how could anything go wrong if i didn't expect anything got begin with? oh but listlessness can be as vexing and as deadly as missing any goal, hints the boyfriend. i think i just need to keep changing.

it bothers me sometimes tt i keep wishing i were things tt i never have the energy or capacity to be. and it saddens me tt it took me a while to realise i was interested in more things than i previously knew. so opportunities have passed and all i do is sit and rant and occasionally offer myself lame ass consolations such as spending ridiculous amounts of money at watsons/guardian pharmacy/convenience stores. maybe i like feeling like i'm part of some poignant tale - you know, the one where the protaganist is an aspiring bohemian whose waist is expanding and whose pocket is shrinking... maybe i keep all this up to feed my restless self.


i told myself ok let's go jogging today. then mother and stepfather says just now, oh we're going downstairs for a downstairs walk too. and tt totally put me off. i just don't want to be around anyone and considering the size of 'downstairs', it's more than likely i'll bump into them. i treasure my alone time more than most pple realise and i will not feel obligated to offer reasons.

see, now i'm just becoming a cranky slob. this is not helping.

i'm very troubled by my weight and the amount of excess flab i'm putting on. i hate it when i tell pple shit i've been putting on a lot of weight and i feel very unhealthy and i cannot buckle evry single pair of pants i own without suffocating myself and they respond by saying no lah, you're not fat wat. does anyone understand tt i'm not comparing myself to anyone but myself? i don't need feeble statements of consolation. and besides, if anyone was using their fucking ears they would've realised tt i never implied tt i was very fat, but rather tt i am fatter, and tt this would entail a wardrobe revamp which would inevitably cost me some amount of money.

:: The Future - leonard cohen

we went from greece to new guinea today. ok, i'm not so good with analogies, but i'm trying to be artistically esoteric here. haha. i could feel his calm as he watched me dress. and so this is what it's like huh. just like in the movies. oh yes. where do we go, my lovely?

i went to eileen's 21st halloween-themed part just now... dressed as a bed. i'm glad everyone thought it was such a marvellous idea. {:o) i'm really proud of it.

since rima has professed her love for jing, i would also like to mention tt jing is one of the nicest pple i know. kudos to her. i love you too, jing. rima made a very good point too - bout preferring low-maintenance relationships. i'm not sure i've really admitted this before, but i'm really like tt. i don't really make efforts to meet up with friends (old, new, best, bestest, not so best). i don't think it's cos i'm lazy or take my friends for granted (well, not really at least). pple always say "oh ya, we drifted apart". yea, i guess tt happens with most pple we meet, they come and go. but i think there'll always be a small collective of pple who you'll always feel like i can talk to like we just met yesterday even if you haven't seen or spoken to them for more than months. it's a nice thought really.

Calm, relaxed, patient, and cool. You are the
balance. You don't stress out a lot, and like
to just hang around and be around people. You
can be both extroverted and introverted. You
need your own space at times. This painting has
beauty and some sereness to it, which fits you.
The eccentric yellow represents your
individuality.


What Abstract Painting Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

erm, ok. i really like the painting though.

at first i thought a necromancer was someone who takes a corpse out for dinner, a walk on the beach and perhaps even tries to propose to it.

but it's ok- everyone makes mistakes.

:: Club Slut - hot action cop

:: Holding My Own - the darkness


i stopped by the toilet before leaving and met an oldish lady called juliana. "Juliana Sim," she said. "Cos there are two Julianas." she said she needed someone to relay the cantor ministry announcements to her cos she didn't have an email address. what to do, i was the only other person in the toilet, right?

is there something tt old pple find oddly endearing bout me? i obliged and juliana said tt it was lucky she bumped into me: "God must've sent you here."
and tt made me feel good inside. i think i must've watched too many of those angel shows last time (they were quite the thing right?). touched by an angel, and those apparently "real-life" stories on tv where angels appear out of no where and do kind things like alleviate pple's pain and/or save their lives. i always thought tt was so cool; to appear out of nowhere and help someone.

i was telling lidong bout my consultation with wayne during photojourn last semester and what wayne said tt gave me a newfound respect for him. i wonder how wayne is now. it's amazing, i never thought tt i'd really ever come face to face with anyone who could turn me inside out and tell me who i am. i hope he just keeps on doing what he does.

listening to black sabbath's paranoid. hah long time no hear this man. can you help me occupy my brain? oh yea!

i wonder what i look like when i'm fuming. the other day i was on the way to meet lidong and i was livid. and i noticed tt everyone seemed to be staring at me - on the bus, at tampines mall, everywhere. maybe it's cos when i'm angry i tense my facial muscles and don't blink my eyes for long intervals, resulting in a very stoned look. or maybe i looked mean and evil, like i could lash out and kill someone at any moment. i really wonder.

pop.PORN.

i've never felt so let down by him before. looks like i have expectations too. but i don't love you any less. it pains me thie much precisely because i love you.


i remember asking lidong if my not meeting his expectations made it harder to love me. he paused for a moment and said he'd have to think bout it.

if only recalling the good times was as easy and as fluid as the heartwrenching memories.

:: Hemorrhage - fuel

wah lau, bastard! i have to download realplayer to listen to Symphony online? wat nonsense. ya ya "radio content is free"... BLURGH. wat the fuck even DAB radio needs realplayer?! D'ARGH.

i haven't felt nervous round knives in quite a while. i picked up a pair of scissors and sliced my hand tt day and the pain hit me hard like a plastic bag filled with marbles. it was almost a tiny cut- only 1cm- but deep enough to draw blood and disturbing enough to bridle my lame halfhearted suicide attempt.

there are some memories tt don't just go away. they stick. hitting my head doesn't work, as with other tried and tested methods. hmm. never mind. let me tell you how i like to imagine i am a ballerina.

when i was in primary school, someone told me tt if you did ballet, your toes and toenails would crack and bleed. i also wondered why anyone would voluntarily walk round like a duck while having to squeeze your butt in. i think it was last year or something, i walked into one of those outdoor heartland events and there were some pple from some dance company doing ballet. and i was in awe. How oddly titillating those pirouettes and synchronised tippy toed movements suddenly seemed. but anyway, i've always liked dnacing and monkeying round to music. oh yay.

:: Symphony 92.4

Facing downward while trying to stuff little morsels (see: nuts etc) into your mouth may cause the said foods to resist being eaten.

hey there georgy girl

yesterday i contended with a bedlam in my brain. complete with harrowing flashbacks from my childhood. cry cry cry.

:: Caramel - suzanne vega

you see, i always forget. so i will write this down before it escapes my mind. not tt it's necessarily of any significance..

i always find myself crying over things tt haven't happened- just in case they happen. or just becasue i need to cry.

i tell myself not to expect anything. i don't want to expect us to be gone in a while from now. and i don't want to expect us to be forever. but i want to love like there's no tomorrow. i don't think i know how else to love him.

aiyah can you fucking go and sleep already. ok, just one song.

Walk me out in the morning dew, my honey
Walk me out in the morning dew today
I can't walk you out in the morning dew, my honey
I can't walk you out in the morning dew at all

oh my god, wat's wrong with me? fucking basketcase. needy shit. i knew it; my issues couldn't have just disappeared. they've just morphed.


(on the side: karin sorry i'm suck a crank sometimes.)

i thought i wasn't delusional anymore. now, nobody needs a basketcase ok. nobody nobody nobody needs a basketcase.
why are you wasting your time being dramatic? you need to sleep, you know?
mm. and i will, and i will think whatever is killing me will osmose into the other end of the abyss and be gone when i wake. you are only dreaming. bittersweet.

i'm sorry if i don't have all the answers. it hurts me, the fact tt i don't know how to answer tt question. and i'll have you know tt i've asked myself tt qn more than a couple of times and till now, i've not found a way to answer it. and then i admonish myself: how can you not know, amelia?

i like who i am when i'm with you. and i'm at ease when i'm with you. i've never told you, but before us, i told myself tt if i went out with anyone, i wanted to be sure tt i wouldn't change into someone i didn't like and i would also make sure tt whoever i was dating was someone i was comfortable being with.


i don't think anyone knows this bout me: i love to do research (not for work; for leisure, OTOT). i like the fact tt i'm curious. i always take note if i encounter something i'm not familiar with. htne i go back and do some research. wheeee..... so fun!

heart attack
tonsilitis
barcodes
ISBN
mea culpa
annabel chong (see: www.annabelchong.com HAHA)
richard lim's Got Singapore
kissing disease
don juan

i was just reading a webpage with a list of latin phrases sometimes used in english and i got more excited bout studying linguistics. i love stuff like tt. yay.

i like japanese food cos everything tastes so fresh and i always feel good after eating jap food. even if i stuff my face, it still feels good. yes, tmr i will have it.

wat if you kept on pretending till you became the person you pretended to be? would you know it? or would you imagine in your mind tt you were unchanged?

you know what's the best thing bout eating ice cream on a hot day? (and this is also why it's better than winning toto or suchlike): you just have to be happy. tt's it. you don't have to think bout anything else - just be happy.

i woke up at my stop and was too lazy to rush down the bus so i waited till the next stop. but before i did, i heard and saw two mats slouched at the back seat - one playing the guitar and singing dangdut. this amused me. and then, i bought bread yam ice cream. contentment in a dollar. sweet.


i didn't realise my bohemian ambivalence would be such a great problem. i thought it'd be our unbalanced sexual energy or my motor mouth, or something like tt.

while briefly giving thought to my disgusting and disappointing answers on the 93.8 interview, i considered what a terrible masscomm graduate i was. i cannot think of any one thing tt i am good at. it's a bit frustrating to be blessed with many little intangible and immeasurable talents and not be good extremely at any of them.

i don't like it when pple credit my lame jokes to uncle jeffrey by saying i'm so lame just cos i've been influenced by him the past 5 yrs. tt really pisses me off because no one seems to take into account the fact tt i've been punning since primary school. it's one of the few things i'm actually dare admit i'm really good at and i hate it when stupid pple just attribute it to someone else.

you see. now you've gone and made me angry by talking bout things i don't like. i'm upset now. i want to go and sleep. fucking idiot.

i've stopped remembering the things tt i see in my sleep. not by choice, of course. i'm feeling sad and tired. i don't know how it started, but some time yesterday as i was packing up to go home, i felt worn. i had planned to watch a movie so i was msging several pple. i was hoping one person would go with me; not 'at least' one, but just one. because i wasn't lonely, just sad. on the bus, i was on the brink of having a sobbing fit. i wanted to call lidong and tell him not to leave me. not tt i any reason to believe he would. i just needed assurance.

i got to work today feeling unloved. i wish the rain would pour down and soak me in its dewy goodness.

:: Worn me Down - rachael yamagata

watching the movie by myself didn't really make me feel better. especially since it was a damn cock show, bloody self indulgent film. it was so bad, when it ended, i didn't know whether to laugh or cry. i haven't felt this down in quite a while. i feel like lying on lidong's bed and watching cars like we did tt night before my birthday.

michael jackson.

i watched charlie and the chocolate factory tt day and you know, the way willy wonka was portrayed in the show reminded me immediately of someone; the unnatural pasty white face and thin flushed lips, the gloves he wears, the way he speaks and giggles nervously, his aversion to probing questions, his kooky notions, his apparently absent childhood, his big castle... you know who?

haha don't tell you. must have some suspense ah.

boohoohoohoohoo.

my eyes are drying out and my nose is runny. i've finished all my admin work. the kids aren't in school today because of PSLE oral so i boh seng li. i'm just sitting round reading chicken soup for the mother's soul and i keep having to walk across the room to get a piece of tissue after each story. i don't know why i don't want to just take the whole tissue box and put it in front of me.


i can't remember if i've told you before, tt i've always wanted an older brother; to look out for me, to send to beat up pple who threaten me, to talk to. i also don't know if i've told you before tt lidong told me he's always wanted a younger sister. i thought bout this just now as i was reading, and i smiled at how we feel so comfortable with each other. how can being with someone feel so right? (and how can my boredom suddenly morph into sappiness?) i won't dare say it feels like tt all the time, but maybe just a lot of the time. i'm not sure if a lot of pple are aware of this: the more you have, the more you stand to lose. tt's why sometimes i don't worry bout having too much. but right now this doesn't bother me.

sometimes i feel like half of what i say is drivel. i wonder what will it will be like in three years' time.

there is no music here except for the whirrs and gurgles coming frm the aircon, the constant bubbling in the fish tank outside and, occasionally, the curious sounds of books being re-arranged on the shelves outside (GAH!!).

:: 1979 - smashing pumpkins


i took elaine to poptart. me karin her and nick(...). and then lidong decided to surprise me. i was ecstatic; oh if you could've seen me. i'm glad elaine had fun. i mean, you wouldn't want your first time to be a fucked up one. nick pissed everyone off (not surprising); i only went with him cos tt was the only way elaine could go in. natalie took a few pics of us. and i was actually telling myself now i'm gonna be in the poptart gallery! yay! you're such a whore, amelia.

desmond's new place is really cool. nice to chill at and good for parties.


daddy is an interesting person if you bother to get to know him (which i seldom try to). we were sitting at nooch watching the throngs of fireworks-watchers make their way back home. did i see sparkles in their eyes? i didn't notice. so daddy looks on while i eat.

"Maybe bout 10 pple passing through the tunnel every 5 seconds," he suddenly said thoughtfully.

i immediately did the maths in my head: "7200 pple in one hour," i said.

"Mm. i don't think the transport system i have in mind could support such a crowd. how many alight frm the mrt at the busiest station?... 50.."

"No lah.. where got. at least 100 lah." my insolence always makes our conversations seem less awkward- to me at least.



bout 2 or 3 yrs ago, daddy drew up a new transport system which he envisoned would be implemented in spore. personally, i don't know what's unsatisfactory bout the current one. but anyway, he said it'd work together with the mrt. i think tt if the LRT system wasn't already invented, daddy would've been the pioneer of it. so he drew up this whole system. the inside of the train, how it'd look like, everything. it was actually pretty cool, though i don't think i told him i thought so. i duno who he pitched the idea to. but he stopped mentioning it after a while. well, till recently i.e.. maybe if i had been more supportive, he'd have told me more.

daddy channels a lot of his energy into thinking up business plans or ways to make the world a better place. too bad he didn't spend as much time and effort on us. tt makes me sad and i feel like crying now. but remember amelia, tt shit happens so you will be relieved of congestion and can make way for the other tasty things you didn't have enough space to stomach.


i didn't inherit the business mind and i get annoyed when daddy tries to make everything seem like a potential business plan. he doenst do it in a selfish way of course (his intentions are always a bit philanthropic). before i graduated, he asked me what i planned to do. i brushed him off, muttering some tentative plans. then he said why dont you start a newspaper for the local philippino community. you and your friends can write articles and columns and you can get ad revenue. ya ya ya, i said. but if you think bout it, it is a fucking good idea actually. now tt i've written it dwn, i'll have you know tt this idea is copyrighted ok. if you're on bout doing this, pls give my father some credit.


i'm happy for liyana. eh, we're both corny, we both lived in bedok, and now, we both have cool stepfathers. ah-haha.

granny used to be a dancer at a nightclub. she had her first son by duno who. then she had a second son (daddy) with a rich chinese businessman. the latter's wife disapproved so he gave granny a 1-carat diamond ring and then left her. then she met grandpa, who worked in the postoffice. they got married and she sold her diamond ring cos they had no money. then they had another 4 kids. granny was frm china but she apparently lived and schooled (tt's why her english was so good) with her rich cousins in hongkong or shanghai or something where she was did things like go ice skating and stuff. i duno how she ended up dancing at a club in singapore though. she love fred astaire and she could dance the foxtrot and the charlston. i wish she shared her life with me. i only know all this frm daddy.

i'm fucking pissed with myself and with just now and with everything. i wanted to fling myself out of the window. i wanted to be selfish, i wanted to hate the world and make sure everyone knew tt i did. i wanted to let myself go and leave evrything behind. in my head i could see how lidong would try to knock sense into me but i won't budge and i'd selfishly loosen my grip and just go. i'm so much vainer than you think and i'm full of myself. i just want to feel good and i want to hurt myself to feel good. i don't want to be comforted by anyone's feeble words. won't you wave me off when i make my last hurrah.

A DAYTIME INTERLUDE (starring Mr Ginger the Gemuk)





Mr Ginger, gatal.




Mr Ginger, geram.




Mr Ginger, globbish.




Mr Ginger, goodbye.

:: Happiness is a Warm Gun - the beatles

i woke up and my eyes were still not really better. worked till almost 2 then went to dr tay's all the way at bedok then me and my conjunctivitis peepers rushed down to sch for the recording, which went quite well. hurray to us.

i was sitting at the old malay coffeeshop beside the clinic eating a burger and waiting for dr tay to return frm a housecall. the radio at the drink stall was blaring dangdut and i tapped my feet to it as i sipped by tehbing, all to the amusement of a lepaking pakcik. i smsed random pple delightfully: All hail the closet minah! only adam replied... to tell me tt i'm crazy. later, i observed a certain mr ginger as he groomed himself then got comfortable in the clinic.

i actually really like my job you know. i hardly get to sit down and read a book, but it's a really relaxing way to earn money.

im taking elaine to poptart this sat. she's never been into a club cos she's not 18 yet so she's really excited haha. so cute. we just realised tt the two of us have quite a lot in common. other than the fact tt we talk like machine guns (in two respective accents), we just realised we're gonna be studying the same thing in different unis and wat else ah? haa i duno lah. but it's fun to find out i have a cousin with whom i have a lot in common.

MAJULAH SINGAPURA!

marilah kita bersatu
dengan semangat yang bahru;
doo doo doo, woohoo!

it's actually good to have a job tt ends at 3.30 everyday. then i get back early (without having to battle the peak-hr crowd). i come home, take a nap and now i actually the time and energy to read the papers. just read tt jenna jameson wants mike tyson to be costar in her next film. she apparently heard tt he's big in places other than the boxing arena.

i'm going to be busy this week. elaine and jon (and aunty peng and uncle steven) will be down frm london tmr evening, lidong is coming home frm camp tmr also. rima is back frm kL for a sch brk. jing is back frm glasgow also frm sch brk (since last mth). daddy wants to spend time with me. i wanna meet up with karol, durga, karin. and also ravi cos we haven't met for like, 3 mths. lucky next week holiday. i'm so happy i dont have to work till thurs.

eh you know ah, tt national day reach for the stars song is stuck in my head. haha. so is the marist creed and the maris stella sch song. ah....

lidong called just now at 1712. {:o)
he said he'd call again before lights out but i guess he's fallen asleep (either tt or he took too long to bathe haha). i'm so excited; i wanna go swimming with him.

eh i didn't tell you i got my legs waxed and my hair cut in bangkok right? ok, so now you know. it was 24 S$ and 16 S$ respectively. the wax was bloody scary lah. it was black and smelt funny. the lady set the pot between my legs, scooped out a spatula-ful of wax and started blowing and fanning it. i was wondering where the strips were as she smeared the wax on, but then later she started peeling the wax frm my legs with her bare fingers. tt's when i told myself, wah fuck, this is gonna be a long and painful day. the worst part was, after she stripped the wax off, she dumped it back into the pot. hmm how economical, i thought. until i realised tt there mustve been like at least 2 other pple's hair in tt wax. eck.

you know, much as i can't stand the attitudes of some singaporeans, i feel really blessed to be living here. i really really like coming frm a multi-racial background and i'm proud of the fact tt i can speak and understand more than 2 languages.


oh anyway, there was a short hiatus just now cos lidong called again. i can't wait to see him. and rima too.

love-making does not require penetration, please. i can already hear semantic noises.
watch yourself, now.

:: Amie - damien rice


you should know tt there are things more beautiful than making love. there are feelings- that i cannot express in words- tt i love to revel in.

i was lying on lidong's topdeck bed, listening to damien rice and looking out the window and for the first time, i noticed the dazzling view of the cars in the night. tt, together with amie and the crisp sounds of the drizzle outside. i couldn't take my eyes and ears away frm sights and sounds and as i imbibed it all, i started drowning in my thoughts. i know and love scenes like this. i get it looking out the window at st george's too and it brings me back to the times when we lived at bedok reservoir and i shared the room with zeh zeh. when i couldn't sleep on some rainy nights, i'd tiptoe to the window to watch the cars whoosh past on the wet road downstairs. then i'd look across the reservoir at the little lights crossing the horizon. mesmerized, i stick my hands out of the window in unbridled wonder and sigh as the air outside surrounded my fingers.

"i saw a spaceship fly by your window. did you see it disappear?"

Look, you can see the cars from up here, i whispered to lidong. It's so beautiful. and then all those unexplainable feelings welled up inside of me and my eyes glazed over. i'm gonna cry, i announced softly just before a giant teardrop rolled out of my eye. i started weeping (yes, weeping) and i lost myself in the night. i looked until i couldn't stand it then i turned to face lidong but i couldn't answer questions like why i was crying cos i didn't know why myself. i told him how i used to watch cars and i how beautiful i thought this damien rice song was, and he hugged me and let me cry. i don't think there was anything particularly joyous bout the mood but the feeling was so intense i could just burst. if i could die like that, and in your arms,- however selfish i may seem to myself- it would be good.

oh ya there was also this time someone set the dustbin downstairs alight and the police and all had to come down here and investigate.

also, i forgot to mention, if i brought Rainbow Angst and Dandy Ellis up as sexually ambiguous, they could easily switch between being straight and gay. i would see this as a vantage. tt's the kind of person i am.

lidong wanted to surprise me by turning up outside my door this morning. this he did, only thing was i was at the doctor's. you should know tt i'm really touched by the gesture though. {:o)

pillow talk: ?

i'm bored and sick.
i was thinking yesterday (which is actually thurs since now is still the mornite of fri-sat) as i walked can't remember where, how bout i raise my kids asexually? mm interesting. you think so? yea. ok thanks. eh wait, did i just say asexually? er yah? ok oops, sorry i meant sexually ambiguous. oh, right. yea... then it'd actually work if i give them ambiguous names like rainbow and all- the names i planned to name them some time ago. hah ok.

aside frm annoying parents calling to scold me over stupid things like their sons losing their smartcards/library bks, the past week at work has been pretty ok. today was more fun cos jillian relief taught and came to talk to me and help out. my throat was already sore and then i had to shout at a bunch of stupid pri 4 boys who were misbehaving.
now my throat hurts lik fuck and i felt something in in just now. maybe my tonsils are hanging loose. or maybe my larynx is falling apart in small chunks. i should be worried.

a neighbour on my floor just got molested this week. she stepped out of the lift and someone grabbed her frm behind. i don't know the rest of the details cos mummy didn't think it was nice to probe. it seems as though just when i start to feel safe, something comes to shake me up. last yr or the year before, i walked past the garbage compound to get to the lift and there were these two men standing nearby, one smoking, the other holding a long white coiled up cord. i don't know what i was thinking, but i stupidly walked in between them to get to the lift. and the man with the coil suddenly started following me and uncoiling the wire or watever it was he had in his hands. i ran straight past the lift and out towards the other block, stood on a grass patch and called zeh zeh, tearing. i told her to come down and get me cos i was scared and she told me tt i was interrupting her dinner and to just come up myself. then i looked back and noticed tt the man had retreated back into the darkness of the driveway and i quickly rushed into the lift just as a big malay family walked out. oh ya, this was after tt time when i decided to be yaya and walk all by myself through the park to get back home. when i got to the lift, i suddenly noticed dubious-looking oldish malay guy behind me and i stupidly let him get into the lift with me and even more stupidly pressed the lift button first. he inched closer and closer to me in the lift until his arm nearly touched mine. then when i got out, he came out to and after he saw me walk to my door, he ran down the stairs. i was so fucking pissed tt i let him trail me all the way back and didn't even do anything to prevent it.

then there was the time when someone reportedly got mugged just outside my block. and that other time when some sick, screwed up fuck defecated outside my door and left a trail of human crap all across the corridor. i'm beginning to feel as though i live in the ghetto or something. it's not all tt fun, really.

"It's mine!" [SprinkleS Copyright 2005]


karin, i still think it looks like the lizard is humping the shit. speaking of shit- SHIT, I GOTTA SLEEP NOW. but bloody fuck, it's just too early.

it's one of those days of contentment for me. it's the weather. and the music. it has just occured to me tt i'm the only person i know who sits in front of the radio just to listen to it. you know, like how it was back in the days when no one had tv, and listening to radio like some kindof event. gold 90 fm is playing really good songs now.

today was the first day at work for me. at noon i was surprised at how quickly time had shimmied past. this is good, i remember i said to myself. hah. the only thing bout things going well now (well, fairly) is tt it lessens the chances of it getting better. yea, i guess i don't want to be over-optimistic. see, now lidong's job and mine are as similar as they get - we both wake up at 5.30 (he's delighted to know tt we can give each other wake up calls. eck.) and we are both stuck with more than a hundred male shorts-wearing juveniles. only thing is i tt earn almost 3 times more than him. heh.

i went for the baybeats, saturday sunday. saturday was good. bumped into shaiful, marina and her bf, yongping, jermaine, dom and gf, andrew and julius and gin gang, michelle chan (who worked audio for poptart) with audrey and jaime, mcm michelle who was hosting at the village, kaylene and mark, kumar with vick and the fsv zaki. tt's all i can remember now. i met up with lidong and we met some of the seniors also. sunday i met vien, jing, and bumped into andrew and later ira. out of all the acts (missed love me butch but heard they were just ok this yr) , i liked brandtson, serenaide (bought their cd), tempered mental (faz let me copy their cd last time when she bought it haha but i lost it), lucy in the loo (wah their vocalist hot haha), copeland and KLPHQ (mogwai-ish and so beautiful). and then there was poptart, where i enjoyed myself the most. i danced and danced and danced and danced and danced. oh happy happy happy. i got quite high from the adrenalin rush tt i couldn't stop dancing. it took an extremely tired and sick-looking lidong to get me away frm the shaking and grooving. even then, i was still uncontrollably excited and coulddn't stop grinning and shouting along to the kkk took my baby away as i struggled to repel the pull of the beat. they spinned franz ferdinand, the cure, green day, new order, and lots more tt i can't recall. recently i'd been wondering what poptart was and now i finally knew it and i fucking loved it. i reportedly had a crazed look in my eyes, even crazier than the time when i lost myself laughing at borsch steakhse. (i saw andrew dancing too and wanted to introduce him to lidong but the former didn't see me.) i cannot begin to describe how naturally it came and how good it felt - the energy pulsing through my body. it was like my love for music and beat was releasing itself through each move i made. and it made me so happy to see pple around me letting go of themselves too. it was like a whole sea of random movement to one sound; and it was just entrancing.

but as i skipped away frm the discotheque for the first time (i went back again later), i was feeling a little sad because i realised tt as i was dancing, i was feeling so far away frm lidong; like, it was as if he was standing at an unprecedented distance and i was looking at his tiny rigid figure frm afar. and no matter how happy i was, i wasn't able to transpose it over to him and cause him to feel the joy tt was oozing frm my pores. i feared tt i may even have scared him with my audacious self-indulgence. i just wish he'll never stop indulging me and indulging himself with me. i wanna rock with you all night, oh baby baby.

-and through the purple, you pushed away the pink. guess i don't have to tell you how much i enjoyed it... how much i love love love you.

:: Gun in Hand - stutterfly

i'm still irritated by lidong's mother and her inane, nerve-grating comments. we were in the car the other day when we drove past a street where there happened to be a lady wearing a burqa. and she immediately commented, "eh why tt lady wear like terrorist like tt?" TSK. i cannot be blamed for just wanting to sepak her. i hate it when pple ask rhetoric questions like tt. i always try my best to be polite and just discreetly roll my eyes. i wanted to prudently educate her but it's hard to do tt when i'm seething with suppressed peevishness.

i think i may have been bitten by the tsetse fly. (is it pronounced z&z& ? daddy pronounces it as zet-zee) daddy says pple who get bitten start feeling sleepy and then they die. i'm not sure bout the dying part but i have been feeling really lethargic lately.

:: Dum Diddly - black eyed peas


so i find myself to be quite peculiar at times. i stepped into the lift on wed night and looked into those mirror panels inside of it, and tried to imitate the expression on the face of tt dead tail-less lizard i had just seen at the void deck. i thought to myself: it may have been attacked by a rat since there are many of them vermins scuttling round. yes of course. tt must be it. then earlier tonight - which is actually the mornite of thursday-friday - i sat in front of a big lit DBS sign at tampines and waited for zeh zeh to pick me in a cab. and then out from my lips danced, shoop shoop book out day, la la lah 2 more days to book out day. hurhur hur hur.

i'm gonna ask daddy to get me some more edward gorey books to add to my growing collection. whooppee. other than gary larson, gorey is the only person i will queue up to have sign a book. unfortunately, O is for Oddball, who's answered God's call.

my back has been hurting past couple of days and after examining my spine just now, i have concluded tt there has been a miraculous amelioration of my sclerosis. i told this to zeh zeh and she laughed and said maybe you've just gotten fatter, tt's all. right. ok. thanks man.

i am dying to earn some dough so i will not feel so low (and so i will not have to resort to doing lame things such as rhyming in my posts just to appease my bored self). blahdeedah.

i'm not spposed to be up now. i was tired just now and was consequently instructed by recruit saw to rest early. too bad. ah-haha. at daddy's hse now; first time since daddy and aunty jessie walked in on us doing nothing (twas tt same time i commented tt the man-woman affair was so 1980s).

:: Brick - ben folds five

so stuart is back and fuck, he lost a shitload of weight. he looks pretty nice though. karin and i speculated tt maybe it was her silly man walk tt prompted him to lose the weight haha (though the joke isn't actually targeted to him particularly). i already told her it's a bit of a mean joke, all right? anyway, it didn't even take a gut feeling for me to tell tt he still has a thing for me (OR i could just be slightly delusional the way i always am). and quite obviously he's stopped reading my blog since tt last time he tagged me (oooh, i'm not sure if this pun is intended) and no one told him bout lidong, cos he didn't seem to know in church. and i did feel a bit bad giving him a rude shock when i introduced lidong at audrey's party. it's ok; we'll meet again next week, next holiday and then down under next year. in other church/lovelife news, i bumped into clementine and she told me she and serene think kenny's cousin sean likes me. erm ok. you know, i'm not exactly used to being this kind of popular with the male kind.

i know i've said this before but baby, you're the sweetest thing in my life (chocolat fondue, gulab jamun and cafe tenako-tuhkok notwithstanding).

you know, i realised the other day tt i'm good at loving pple but i'm not so adept with showing affection (cept toward my bf and maybe cute babies). not tt it's a bad or good thing. it's just an observation.

Your Inner Muse is Euterpe You are most like this muse of music. While you may or may not be musical... You love music and set life to your own personal soundrack. And you are good at making anyone's heart sing! What Muse Are You?

test.

:: How Can I Fall - breathe


i'm feeling tired and i don't feel so good. i've been trying to avoid mentioning my boyfriend in every entry but i will have to do it again. he went back to camp today cos he was sick yesterday and just now i insisted on meeting him to pass him the digi pics of us tt i printed out. he was sick and i chased him out of the toilet just to pass him pictures cos i thought i would make me feel good. i guess i expected a more dramatic reaction but you cannot blame sick pple for not being energetic. and for some reason i don't feel good now. maybe it was the look on his face. i hate expecting.


today's work was such a drag. only one lady at work talks to me and the rest just try to graciously ignore me. they try. i hope they don't extend the work past wed. bloody depressing place.

andrew's blog can't load. i hope he hasn't gone and taken it away. we had our last banlung presentation practice on thursday and just before it started, i bumped into jon mash andrea in the lift then later saw kuan hua and then andrew and deny. now everytime i sing foolish games, it doesn't sound as good as before. you're always brilliant in the morning/smoking your cigarette and talking over coffee/your philosophies on art/baroque moved you, you loved mozart/and you'd speak of your loved ones as i clumsily strummed my guitar. i am so sure jewel wrote tt song bout you (for me..? ). i was so sure it was you except for the coffee part cos i never knew you to be a coffee drinker. but did you see how my face lit up tt day when you asked bout lidong? i really surprised myself. i wonder if you ever worry tt i'll forget you or vice versa.


:: Merman - tori amos

you know, right now, i have so much to lose. please don't go.

:: Run - snow patrol

do you ever feel stupid and/or foolish for not noticing how interesting a person is until the opportunity to befriend them in a naturally-occuring setting passes you by? then you go how come i never bothered to get to know him/her? i suspect tt the depth and the frequency of my feeling this way stems frm my secret desire to be around pple who i think are cool and talented. amelia, you closet elitist, you. and then there's also tt feeling of sheepishness when i discover someone is actually more talented or more interesting than i initially thought (if at all) them out to be.

i'm spposed to be doing a storyboard for durga for 100$. it's due at noon, but i'm still procrastinating. oh BLURGH. basic theory is on saturday morning and i don't think i'll pass.

i remember how farhan's mp3 player saved my wavering sanity in cambodia. i put blue's breathe easy and boxcar racer's there is on replay like, a million times. yea, it feels good to let it out with some tears and sweet harmonies. why does pain feel so good? i feel like eating panfried foie gras on prune brioche. like, right now. argh.

if my love was a song,
if my love was a song,
i'd blow the wind right through your heart
so you'd sing along.

if my love was a flame,
if my love was a flame,
i'd light the stars behind the sun
and burn your name.

if my love was a rain,
i'd soak you through and through;
the drops on you would melt into the summer's dew.

if my love was the sky,
if my love was the sky,
i'd swirl the clouds
into a dream for you and i.

my love is only a dream,
my love isn't real,
so i sing this song to tell you how i feel.

if my love were the stars,
i'd shoot them straight across the galaxy;
a rainbow's end, we'd never see.

si mon amour est une flamme
if my love was a flame,
i'd light the stars behind the sun
and burn your name.

if my love was a rain,
i'd soak you through and through;
the drops on you would melt into the summer's dew,
a summer's dew, summer's dew...

:: Flame - maggi, pierce and e.j.



sweet and simple lyrics. reminds me of even when i'm sleeping by leonardo's bride. i'm a sucker for music and those who can appreciate it or, better still, produce it. by burning me this extremely likeable song, the annoying bbc alvin kiang has fallen into the former category and thus graduated frm my 'Abominables' list to join the ranks of 'the people whom i don't like cos they irritate me'.

human nature is like tt, isn't it. it's hard for us to give pple we already hate a chance, unless they prove themselves useful. ok, maybe tt's just me.

my baby called me today frm 'summer camp'. i love you, darling. i forgot to tell you tt i dreamt of you. not a loveydovey dream (i don't really have these), not a nightmare either (i usually have these); just a slightly catatonic dream in which you were driving a small car. in the front seat was another girl and in the back was me and this annoying guy whom i only recognised in the dream. the girl was silent but the guy was pissing me off and you said something to him. i think you ticked him off; i vaguely remember. then i was at my dad's hse which wasn't the same one as in real life but this was a dream and things are always different in my dreams. pple who had come over to visit (and whose identities i cannot remember now) were leaving the hse and i was left alone. 'bye bye', i smiled and waved then i sat down near the kitchen door. the place looked like a small modern apartment. so i took a walk dwnstairs and the condo was called somethingsomething Hotel (something to do with safari or something maybe, i just don't remember). it was near a beautiful beach. i walked by the shore and the water lapping at my feet looked deep and blue. it seemed like i had stepped into a life-size version of one of those mini mini models they put in a glass case at condo showroms to show you how the real thing will look like. but this was like a hotel. pple were walking in and out with luggage. there was also a buffet spread at the restaurant downstairs. i think i woke up soon after and stoned in bed, ruminating.

:: Can't Stop Now - keane

keane's songs are so incredibly poignant. i'm a sucker for things like that because i like to be reminded of what it's like to hurt inside. just to be sure i'm still alive, i assure you.

well, anyways. i got into uwa and i'm so so happy and excited. i've kind of decided what four subjects i wanna take in my first yr: linguistics, french, music and anthropology. but of course, i might change my mind in time to come.

one week down and one more to go. i remember asking myself: what is love if you didn't miss tt someone when they were gone? i like this relationship cos i'm learning to do things i never knew i could.

i lepak'd outside taka with jon and liy sunday cos i had time to kill before meeting daddy. there are pple i wish i make more effort to spend time with. vien; i haven't seen her in ages, let alone hung out with her. andrew; timing is always bad. dom; i guess our conversations have almost always been online but we've never really made the effort to meet up in sch so ya. durga; timing also always a bit sallah. these are the pple i can think of now but i'm sure this isn't all.

sometimes i'm anxious to hang out with a person and then the meeting turns out to be a disappointment, painfully - and sometimes unexplainably - awkard. Maybe it's cos of crankiness, bad timing, misunderstanding and other watever things. or it could simply be because time and space just built up between us. it's happened to me a couple of times recently and i'm afraid it will become too familiar.

i think after i had decided to go apply for uni, i've been trying to break away frm commitments and avoid making new ones. i just want to start from somewhere new without being held back by anything. funny tt i should say this, since i know myself to be one who's constantly clinging to times gone by. i just want try and make it on my own, you know? i want to know how far i can take myself without guidance. i think i'm learning. i'm learning.

i was telling pete just now: the next two weeks will be good for me and lidong cos we're both forced to sleep early (him especially). he called saturday night bout 3 mins before lights out and knowing he was enjoying his new lifestyle (thus far) and his new hair just made me happy and relieved. see, i told you it'd be fun right? =P

the mattresses there are like, five inches thick, you know? i keep telling it to everyone. now, not double-decker beds anymore so aiyah no fun haha. the sergeant guide fella who took us ot the ninja quarters during the tekong tour pointed out tt the mess room had ps2, but only original games were allowed.

:: Girls - beastie boys

rj rosales was at esplanande and it was pretty good. as i watched i wondered wat it'd be like if i got the opportunity to perform like tt. i hope i wouldn;t screw it up. and i thought bout how i like the outdoor theatre so muhc cos it's so... democratic (?). namely cos it's free. did i tell you i'm done with reading eleanor rigby? well, i am.

i think i shall now only stick to professional hot waxing services. haha shiok man. shiok. was planning to tan while zeh zeh wakeboards tmr but am feeling flu-ey so better not. oh and... nicole (batchelor-cousin) told me yesterday tt her company is hiring so i'm gonna apply and scrap the other job i was due to start. i think i miss cuddling with my baby. don't be a wuss, amelia.

You are a Hippie. Wow.


What kind of Sixties Person are you?
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oh yea. heh.

look at me, crying like this. i'm not bout to address the issue of how dependent we (or i) have become on technology. i'm not about to berate myself for allowing myslef to be victimised by faulty computer chips. i've always been threatened by technological advancements; i'm personally offended by how they conveniently appear and make necessities out of themselves. like how i insisted i didn't want or need a handphone but mummy and uncle jeffrey decided they could force one on me. i used to be able to remember more than 20 phone numbers but my reliance on my handytalkie has allowed me to be more retarded. three cheers for technology.

hey, note how bitching has made me too distracted to cry? i'm so so angry.

you know, i don't actually recall most of the things i had in my hard drive. i know to this, mummy would say, if you don't remember it, it probably wasn't tt important. but you see, tt's not the point. the point is, if i go on like this, soon i will not exist anymore because i will keep storing parts of me in faithless little pieces of metal tt will just keep crashing out on me.

thursday is looming closer than i thought but i know i will keep it together, simply cos we've got no choice.

i'm excited bout getting into uwa. in first yr, i think i'll do linguistics, french, anthropology and maybe one other language or music. yay so fun.

sometimes i feel bad for imposing my emotions on pple. do not feel patronised, for you will only make me feel lousy about myself. be obliging and happy or piss off.

i realise i haven't been keeping a paper diary or a schedule for almost a few years. i fear tt i will soon (in a couple of years maybe?) run out of personal notebooks and schedules to peruse and reminisce as i do. and i will by then, forget what i used to do and what places i've been to, what events i've been to. and i will become empty for what i'm made of is memories of myself.

my laptop is down and i'm using zeh zeh's. she goes illegal wakeboarding in some dirty longkang in punggol and it's like swimming in bubbling sulphur, so i hear.

i am self indulgent and therefore dangerous. awas.

right now, the smell of wet grass and the sound of moonlight sonata and the occasional whirr of my fan.

i was irritable just now cos he wasn't coming over and i had expected him to; i was sulking on the phone. and i fear i've evolved into one of those pple who talk bout their girlfriend/boyfriend on their blogs all the time. i fear i've become one of those girls who whine and fawn over their boyfriends. so this is what being in a relationship is like(?). i guess up till now, i'd forgotten how perplexed these things make me feel. this was wat i was missing for 3 years? sometimes we like or dislike things, then time passes and we forget why. occasionally i feel the urge to remind myself why i love and hate certain things. sometimes i realise my tastes have changed, sometimes i don't.

the grass is dry now and i don't smell anything. come back, come back! please.


i'm feeling lethargic and tetchy now but it can't be pms.

my pay has not been confirmed yet and if i'm not getting 1000/mth at least, then i might not take the job, since the recruitment agency seems to have so many better jobs. duno lah. this tentative feeling is making me feel uncomfortable, just like the dreams i had last night. i was in secondary school and i saw pple i did not like. mr teo et al. and then there was canteen food but the stall owners were different. the food was different and didn't whet my appetite. and there was an emptiness in the faces of the stall owners. they were new, but not shiny or happy. just new and sad and dull. i don't understand what i am emoting right now.

my room is a new colour. 2 coats of a purple shade called Allure. i don't quite care bout the name, really. maybe if it had been a purple called Popcorn or something, then i might have some interest. or maybe a purple called Vincent.

:: A Letter to Elise - the cure

oh lovely, lovely song.

:: Happy? - mudvayne

the night before last night, lidong scared the shits out of me. i saw my terrified expression in the mirror and the tears started forming in my eyes. i guess you could say tt it's comforting cos i wouldn't have been that affected and the pain wouldn't have been so great if i didn't love him this much. i'm not trying to be optimistic in a corny way. i'm just seeing things in my warped way.

oh no the words to Happy? are like not so pleasant for now. so change song, ok.

i'm relieved to know tt at least i can cry in front of you. i'm always more willing to share joy with pple than i am willing to share my sorrows with anyone. just because i don't tell sad stories doesn't mean tt i don't have any.

i mulled it over and wondered if the conversation would have been possible if we had been talking face to face instead. somehow i'm more unreserved in online exchanges. the words come easier and smoother. well in any case, we haven't solved it, my bohemian ambivalence and avoidance versus his charted plans and plainspokenness. and i don't suppose there's any solution but compromise. but we'll have to figure tt as we go along.

you know how good it feels to hear your boyfriend tell his friend "i luv my gf very much". it occured to me yesterday and it feels fucking good. {:o)

i found job. i mean, i have a job now. i'm afraid the good feeling won't last long cos it's always been like that for me. everytime i think something's gonna be good, it turns out to be a disappointment and maybe tt's why i stop expecting. i don't quite trust my instincts anymore. wait, but the point now is tt i have a job now nd it feels good now.

:: She's So Strange - travis

she's so cool and she knew just what to do. good for her then.

mummy woke me up this morning and stood in at the foot of my bed bombarding me with questions bout my uni applications yesterday even before my mind or body had the chance to go oh look im awake. i don't like being woken up and i don't like being bombarded with questions tt require long, mundane answers. i hate it when i'm angry but don't have the time- to lay in bed to sulk and sleep so i can wake up in a better mood- because i have to go for an interview for a job i haven't a clue about in a company i know jackshit bout. now, i shouldn't be so vulgar. after all, i did get the job and tt was the ultimate target wasn't it? oh no wait, the ultimate aim is to enjoy myself an get money out of tt. ok, but it's just tt i felt so angry i had to hurt myself just now and i did and it was frustrating how i had restrain myself and consciously reserve some lucidity for the interview.

i was very happy to find tt 162 stops just at apex tower, tanjong pagar (where i'm gonna be working) because i can take tt bus to lidong's hse. it also delighted me tt it took only 10 mins to get to town frm the office. yay. stopped at far east plaza to treat myself to my favourite wasabe-tei but suddenly remembered i only had 7$. so i went to level one and found Chippy, which sold brit beer battered fish and chips at only 4.45. tt, with a drink, came up to less than 6. what gave it extra kick was the good music they were playing. i sat on a chair stacked on another, reading a fish and chip article cut out frm IS mag, pasted on an orange woodgrained wall, feasting on cheap good filling food, thinking bout how i will soon have something to do and money to spend. all this, and the orgasmic sound of freddie mercury's vocals pumping out of the black box overhead, made for a very contented amelia.

i like it when pple are nice. like the nice cleaner auntie with gold canines whom i met in the lift just now.


:: Up All Night (Frankie Miller Goes To Hollywood) - counting crows

i'm afraid mummy will catch me up at this hour. i'm glad she hasn't caught us in my room yet. but right now it's just me.

should i start with yesterday's surprise or bout granny first?

last night me and lidong dropped by daddy's place and he wasn't in. he came back in a while and caught us alone in his flat but i caught him with auntie jessie. later as i walked to commonwealth mrt, i realised that it would've been more fun to discover that daddy was gay. i mean, the man-woman love affair thing is so 1980s. but, whatever floats his boat..
oh ya but my point was daddy and his friend catching me with my friend. but i win this one, dad; at least i told you i have a boyfriend. no hard feelings.

i don't enjoy the slightly smoother relationship zeh zeh and daddy have. me and daddy are cautious of each other and we have a boulder of unsaid things between us. we know what's going on the other side but we just don't need or don't want to take the effort to look.

i am (or was) the angrier child, embittered by how good manners just wasn't enough to make us a Happy Family. now i'm just a bit bratty but secretly amused more than anything else. some families drink afternoon tea while others are extended beyond imagination via remarriages and extensive affairs. see, no biggie. i wonder if i'll end up raising my kids to believe that their ancestors were a conventional lot. or maybe monogamous relationships would be so obscure by then tt i'd have to explain why foxes are so conservative (which i reckon i won't be able to do). today i reconsidered having kids; period cramps tend to do that to me.

i'll leave the story bout granny for another day. i still have to sleep and then wake up and then make some calls to find me a job. c'mon amelia, we can do this. i'm hungry.

Running into you like this without warning
Is like catching a sniff of tequila in the morning
But I'll try, I'll try to keep my food down
That's quite an aftertaste that you've left
Now that you're not around

You can just pretend we're not in the same room
Well, alright, I'll just mosey to the bathroom
You flew by like a summer vacation
And you left me with TV-movies and a messy kitchen

I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile
but until then I'll stay in and sleep late,
excuse me

I'll buy a fast car, I'll drive fast from here
There's a beach I haven't seen since last year
It's far, but I like night drives
It just makes it nicer when I do arrive

I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile
but until then I'll stay in and sleep late,
excuse me

Aren't you going to miss me?
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?

Well, you can bet that I'll forget how it was then
All the drives to your farm for the weekend
But I've seen the swimsuit magazines
And I've smelled tequila the first thing in the morning

I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile
but until then I'll stay in and sleep late,
excuse me

Aren't you going to miss me?
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?
You are years away from me
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?
One thing to me anymore

:: I Think I'll Disappear Now - crash test dummies


i still remember clearly where i first saw the words to this song. i was blog surfing and came across the lyrics liyana's blog (i didn't know her personally then).


i'm usually afraid of myself more than anything else. i don't trust myself but i would like people to trust me on most things, or at least pretend they do.

tuesday, i found myself alone at burger king again. i didn't feel like eating burgers but i'm glad i went in and sat where i sat. i looked up frm my meal smiled to myself when i realised that some of the walls had van gogh paintings hung up on them. i didn't recognise any of them but i knew they were van gogh's and i took out mr.mindthegap and wrote this quickly down cos i wanted to keep the happy moment and tell it to you today as opposed to tomorrow or next year.

i'm glad maan is back frm london. was just lamenting to him tt i miss being sad. "-thats the thing with manic depressives isnt it, they like being sad", he said. ok i didn't know tt. i used to do lots of research on depression cos i often found myself feeling morose for no reason. and on days i wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, i'd be missing the depression. then i 'realised' earlier this year that maybe i was just having recurring symptoms of my epilepsy. if anyone has read this, by now they'd probably be thinking how full of shit i am. it's ok, i think that too sometimes.

see this. just a funny. ok.

i thought tt having a boyfriend again would bring me closer to God because i would suddenly become happy and increasingly grateful to God and pray lots in church. but i think i've become even more disinterested. i fear the devil has me now. and it scares me how i am only mildly worried. i'm also worried i will get bored of eleanor rigby, like many others before her. and i haven't even reached the part where i find out who eleanor rigby is. i don't trust myself, tu comprends?

i wish it wasn't this complicated but then i like a challenge, don't i? well ok but if anyone's gonna be hurt, i want to it to be me. is hurting myself hedonistic if i'm a masochist?

i wonder what i was thinking of today. i should have written it down. you know, seriously, i tell you, i have lots of interesting thoughts in my head that i want to write for you but by the end of the day they run off and bury themselves somewhere in my mind which is your mind which is my mind and i cannot find them. then sometimes random things pop into my head - thoughts from yesterday, the day before the year before blablah. so gimme bout one day to a few yrs and maybe i'll get back to you on my profound thoughts of today.

:: Bittersweet - fuel

at 14:16 today, the balance in my savings account stood at $666.66 .
i am a lot closer to hell than i think. HOT.

at 03:33:22 on 16 may monday, i received an sms from a good friend who had just had an epiphany of sorts. i felt secretly honoured to be told what he had to say and i was happy for him. on the other hand, i couldn't help being disappointed that i wasn't the one who triggered it all but i figured i probabaly couldn't have articulated in a way that would have made him willing to accept it. and then i wondered how it'd change him or everything, if anything. but then i chided myself a bit; who says anyone's self discovery is gonna directly benefit you, huh?


:: Belaian Jiwa - innuendo

it has been made known to me tt daddy does indeed earn more than 8k a mth. so now i won't feel bad applying for uwa. i get to be with karol since she's doing an arts course too (this is provided the both of us get in, ya).

i forgot to mention to you tt i smoked shisha at jb the other day. we went to singgha selalu at danga bay and ate and smoked and smoked and smoked. and than i asked farhana if cigarettes felt the same. no, shisha was better. but then isn't life too short for reservations? anyhow, the honeydew was better than strawberry. yum. we are going to attack the pipe at farhana's hse next.

i have absolutely no confidence in the abilities and skills i do not know i have. well.. i sing and i'm good with jigsaw puzzles. any ideas for a job? oh and i also happen to be pretty adept with puns. so i was walking at the mart and i saw kfc had vacancies. i'm sure there's room for one more chicken.

:: Ava Adore - smashing pumpkins

bout a week ago, i was sitting at my computer ruminating (and stoning in between thoughts) and i felt like my hand was touching my hand (it wasn't). i looked at my fingers as the curious sensation spread through my hands. i could feel one of my hands curling round the other but a quick look at my hands told me huh, where got?
i looked up and stared blankly into my screen, like as if tt was supposed to explain the phenomenon. i wonder if anyone's ever felt like tt before and why no one's ever mentioned anything.

wat liy said bout the small things and the big things; i wonder which is more important, to me at least.

last night i ran in the rain with karin. ow ow ow haha i giggled as the fat drops impinged on my bare shoulders. tt felt good. bom bom bom the skies boomed. imagine tt every flash of lightning you see is the flash of a camera. then maybe when i get to heaven- assuming i make it there- there will be a giganganormous cork board with everyone's pictures pinned up with those oldschool pins tt come only in primary colours. i imagine tt whoever took them might have captured a few of my infamous lookatmeimaspaz expressions.

:: Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - u2

i have a penchant for things that i did not pay the full cost for. i'm not sure, but i think cost here only applies to monetary cost. so anyways, i love pirated music. hur. hur. i love apparel on sale- no wait, i love anything on 'sale'. i fear myself sometimes. i fear i will become so inane and my existence will be undue, just like the existence of so many woozed out pple (look ma, no meaning!). but i didn't say this because i'm feeling paticularly bitchy. it's just tt my self-consciousness and -love happened to peak at tt second. yes, tt's all. goodbye again, now.

:: All You Want - dido

:: Auf Achse - franz ferdinand

at my baby's hse now. was lying on the hammock on the balcony and staring into the clear azure and feeling like i wanted to be in cambodia.

bought Eleanor Rigby at borders yesterday. also met up with karin for dinner and i'm glad i did. sometimes you don't realise how much you miss a person till you see them again. how paradoxical. caught the 9.30 Bonjour Monsieur Schlomi at cine. cute show. i dind't even go online last night cos i was too fucking worn so i did what i don't do ever so often - lie on my bed and read a good book. imbibe imbibed till my droopy eyes gave up.

cheekys was such a bore tt day. i felt crappy even on the way there. on the mrt, i looked round and watched pple and i saw how no one else looked like they were going to club and i asked myself why am i even doing this (clubbing)? i didn't know the answer and there are two things i do (of which i am aware) when i don't know the answer to my own question; one is look for the answer, two is ignore myself.

i haven't told you: tt last friday, i was too busy with the bf to know of dr wee kim wee's funeral. the following day's realisation made me feel a bit sad. i read the papers (i did! i did!) bout the procession and some bout the man- not all of it, just some- and i felt a sadness seep frm behind my wall of swaku-ness and apathy. i wanted to have known the man. so maybe i could say "you know, he was such a good man. he was so good." but i guess there's no chance of that. ah crap, i say now. but it was longing i had when i read his granddaughter's eulogy and the drops of water tt pushed their way out the sides of my eyes. i had successfully but unwittingly recreated for myself the (belated) sense of solemnity i figured i missed out on the day before-
baby, stop distracting me.. ok thanks.

i say don't you know you say you don't know i say take me out.
i say you don't show don't move time is slow i say take me out.


we went to jb on tues, me and my kampuchea gang. i took great pride in the fact tt i was making my first trip to jb via public transport and without family.
there's something terribly dreary i find bout the place. so so slow and so sad. it wasn't even a nice, peaceful kind of slow. just a sluggishness tt osmosed itself through my thick munjen skin and made me feel lethargic and empty. and i don't think it's just me being an unsatiable singaporean. oh well, bought one shirt so at least i don't feel so empty. c'mon kids, let's say it together: r-e-t-a-i-l-t-h-e-r-a-p-y. thank you, tt was great.

tonight is my chance to get back all the rice tt lidong has consumed at my hse. ah-haha! ohh-hoohoo!

i think i'm spposed to be asleep now. my body is aching but my stomach feels less queasy and i don't feel like i got the sprints anymore. been reading up on malaria symptoms and i'm a bit worried i might have it.

sometimes i think tt i'm too far ahead for my own good. i unwittingly imagine sad scenarios tt have never occured but which i think will occur in the future. then all at once i begin to feel sad. this strange sadness is usually facilitated by aural accompaniment.

i remember having a good cry in cambodia. i'd called karin for my results and found out tt zeh zeh had smsed some of my friends saying tt i miss them. you'd think it was a harmless msg but it got me worrying cos i wasn't missing anyone and i certainly didn't want anybody to think otherwise. i sat at the dining table of our wooden hse, lamenting my apparent heartlessness. julius' attempts to console me only made me feel worse and worse till i looked down and muttered, "oh no i think i'm gonna cry". and i did. and i couldn't recall the last time i'd felt tt sad. "fuck you julius" i said and then i laughed at a comment someone made. and dowell asked me to decide if i wanted to cry or laugh. "why does it have to be black or white?" i shot back. "why can't it be grey?" i absolutely refuse to compromise my ambivalent insanity for the comfort of a tactless metrosexual. boo hoo.


:: Some Other Time - yoko kanno


why am i not asleep yet. i had a six-hr nap in the aftnn. tmr, to lidong's place to mess up his room.

did you know i had a fried tarantula?

i'm back frm cambodia (since labour day) and feeling a little under the weather (and i'm hoping these two statements aren't related; see symptoms of malaria).

after drinking some smooth angkor beer and anchor beer in kampuchea, i decided to be a yaya head and try a very tasty-sounding strawberry beer at brewerkz last night. after half an hr, i was redder than Banlung dust and feeling hotter than a day out in Banlung sun and i finally puked at tampines interchange. puke aside, i'm extremely grateful for my sweet sweet boooyyyyfriend. hah. i stretched the word for fun. (it's the diarrhoea, i swear! the shit's getting to my head!) hur hur. i love you, lidong.


cambodia was woah and it was ugh and it was yea. banlung was lovely but siem reap sucked big time, as did phnom penh. after banlung, i was programmed to country bumpkin mode and the mildly metropolitan touristy ambience (and prices) of the two cities made me feel threatened and irritable. in siem reap, i payed 20 USD to go to Angkor Wat for an hour and then sat in the guest hse the whole day to alternate between watching tv, doing my laundry, sleeping on the balcony. given my mood, these seemed way more interesting than revelling in historical glory and guano.

for some reason, when pple ask bout the trip, the transport comes to mind first. i really enjoyed the pick up rides (save for having to sit next to alvin, havingg my head knocked on the window more than 30 times, and baking in the sun).

we went there to help document the indigenous pple's traditions and culture in banlung but we found out later frm the IYDP (international youth development programme, i think) tt they only wanted us to help re-print and translate what they already have written in books. but it turned out to be better than we thought lah, wat with farhana meeting her boyfriend and dowell getting acquainted with the pharmacist's daughter. i got burnt on the leg when i got off the motor in my sarong. then my wound started bubbling and i christened it Bubbles. i'm not in the mood to type now cos i'm suddenly feeling feverish and i'm suddenly aware tt i've taken centuries to finish this post (10.34pm now). blurgh. pictures later, ya. orkoon, and i love you.

leaving for cambodia in less than 10 hrs.

i wonder if i'll have time to miss the pple i love while i'm there; reckon i'll be pretty busy. but when the silent Banlung night falls each day, i will turn into cold turkey without internet/msn access; i'll think of my baby, my bed and how i'll survive the next 20, 19, 18 .. .. nights. and maybe i'd also wonder when and what the next meal will be.

i've graduated from being logistically unprepared to physiologically and emotionally unprepared. but i had promised myself a challenge, no?
i just thought bout the long list of things i will do when i get back. i will be a busy busy woman.

i hope this trip will knock some sense of ambition into my fickle mind and help me figure what to do with my life. ok gotta get to bathing and reading the notes on cambodia and practising my khmer.
back 1st may. LATERS.