alleluia - today, i cried.
i missed feeling. i cried cos had this tiff with my sister in th car and my mother was siding her and all. i always cry when i quarrel with them. but then instinctively, i forced myself to stop. and wiped away the tears like nothing happened. then i went to mama's hse. i'm a good actress. i think i'm pretty small-sized for someone who has a lot of things built-up inside. just a piece of advice to anyone reading this: don't hold in the tears. cos it hurts - it used to be just emotionally and mentally, but now it's physically too. i forced back the tears and i felt this pang in my neck and i could hear the pulse in my forehead; and i got a bit worried. then i thought, hey i might die young. but then i don't know why suddenly dying young didn't matter so much anymore. maybe i'll die of a stroke.
i've been forcing tears out of my eyes for weeks. been feeling so jaded and apathetic. then today, i finally cried, and forced it all back in. one word for this: ambivalence.
here's a song for us all... it's frm Bruce Almighty, which i saw on wed. but i'm not posing this song to you as a joke. it just works for me right now ok...
One of us
Joan Osborne
If God had a name, what would it be
And would you call it to His face
If you were faced with Him in all His glory
What would you ask if you had just one question
Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home
If God had a face, what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like Heaven and in Jesus and the Saints
And all the Prophets and...
Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home
Tryin' to make His way home
Back up to Heaven all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
Yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make His way home
Just tryin' to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to Heaven all alone
Just tryin' to make his way home
Nobody callin' on the phone
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
just wondering... is it possible to make decision independent of the past? like, decide something without considering the past. this really brings to question: when making decisions, do you look forward or backwards for reference and guidance?. And, is it possible to make a decision independently, without any reference to the past or future?
woah... i'm going a bit too fast for myself.
i'm talking to my long-lost cousin via icq. isn't actually blood-relation , cos he was from the 1st marriage, before his mother married my uncle peter. aiyoh... yes, yes - 'tis yet another complex story in the chronicles of my unconventionally-extended family. anyway he's been estranged since his mother died. i really wonder what prompted him to look up my sister via icq today (the same way i had searched him bout 4yrs ago- i don't recall what'd prompted me actually). he didn't seem to like us much during our 1st and last meeting we'd arranged after i'd found him (which explains why it was the last). seemed determinedly aloof. maybe he's changed his mind. i hope this is all for the better. this prodigal-cousin thing spices up my holis a bit. which is good right?
been reading my sue miller bk. a bit disappointing cos none're as good as Inventing the Abbots. i feel tempted to stop reading the bk altogether. it's like how you have a sweet memory of something, then a more recent variation happens and taints that immaculate memory. and then you just wish the latter had never come along and spoilt it all. yeah, that happens quite a bit doesn't it? - relates to how disappointed i was that the cute cheery angelo i knew as a kid was far from the one i'd arranged to meet for dinner 4yrs ago. i remember that almost immediately, i began to regret contacting him. but he seems less hostile now, even laughed at my anecdote. so i think we'll be fine. ya, we'll be fine.
woah... i'm going a bit too fast for myself.
i'm talking to my long-lost cousin via icq. isn't actually blood-relation , cos he was from the 1st marriage, before his mother married my uncle peter. aiyoh... yes, yes - 'tis yet another complex story in the chronicles of my unconventionally-extended family. anyway he's been estranged since his mother died. i really wonder what prompted him to look up my sister via icq today (the same way i had searched him bout 4yrs ago- i don't recall what'd prompted me actually). he didn't seem to like us much during our 1st and last meeting we'd arranged after i'd found him (which explains why it was the last). seemed determinedly aloof. maybe he's changed his mind. i hope this is all for the better. this prodigal-cousin thing spices up my holis a bit. which is good right?
been reading my sue miller bk. a bit disappointing cos none're as good as Inventing the Abbots. i feel tempted to stop reading the bk altogether. it's like how you have a sweet memory of something, then a more recent variation happens and taints that immaculate memory. and then you just wish the latter had never come along and spoilt it all. yeah, that happens quite a bit doesn't it? - relates to how disappointed i was that the cute cheery angelo i knew as a kid was far from the one i'd arranged to meet for dinner 4yrs ago. i remember that almost immediately, i began to regret contacting him. but he seems less hostile now, even laughed at my anecdote. so i think we'll be fine. ya, we'll be fine.
Sunday, May 25, 2003
*sigh*... it's dragging me down, this unemotion.
my sister got into SMU (i was jumping for joy), but she's still considering NUS.
today, they smsed to say they gave my would-be job to someone older, with experience. i'm not sure how much experience is required for being a pantry-girl for 3 hrs... but apparently, i don't have enough. oh, wat the hell; no use being bitter, cos i'd gladly give my job to someone who needs the cash more than i do. but that doesn't mean i'm not disappointed. you can't imagine how excited and high i was yesterday when i got the job. i don't what's in for me now.
i'm ok with unpredictability; but sometimes, not knowing what's in for me makes me uneasy. cos not having anything ahead means i'm not going to have memories for the period of time after. to think that i'll have nothing to think about makes me wince.
i guess right now, i'm not sure if i'm living. i mean, what really constitutes living? perhaps the ability to think, feel and express? even scientifically speaking (if i'm forced to lower it to such mundanity), i can't confidently say i have a pulse. maybe i need to get out a bit, i dunno... i just feel so... threadbare?
what do you fear most? i don't mean cockroaches and stuff like that. it's not the kind of question you can answer without delving. i'm so afraid that one day, i'll forget how to feel. forget how to cry. forget how to love. i dread that day, like nothing else. i'm so afraid to say it, but something in my gut says that day has come. imposed itself without me even knowing. now even nostalgia seems so foreign, like an irrevocable thing. It’s become so bad, that even my guitar can’t offer comfort. Talk me out of this, somebody…
my sister got into SMU (i was jumping for joy), but she's still considering NUS.
today, they smsed to say they gave my would-be job to someone older, with experience. i'm not sure how much experience is required for being a pantry-girl for 3 hrs... but apparently, i don't have enough. oh, wat the hell; no use being bitter, cos i'd gladly give my job to someone who needs the cash more than i do. but that doesn't mean i'm not disappointed. you can't imagine how excited and high i was yesterday when i got the job. i don't what's in for me now.
i'm ok with unpredictability; but sometimes, not knowing what's in for me makes me uneasy. cos not having anything ahead means i'm not going to have memories for the period of time after. to think that i'll have nothing to think about makes me wince.
i guess right now, i'm not sure if i'm living. i mean, what really constitutes living? perhaps the ability to think, feel and express? even scientifically speaking (if i'm forced to lower it to such mundanity), i can't confidently say i have a pulse. maybe i need to get out a bit, i dunno... i just feel so... threadbare?
what do you fear most? i don't mean cockroaches and stuff like that. it's not the kind of question you can answer without delving. i'm so afraid that one day, i'll forget how to feel. forget how to cry. forget how to love. i dread that day, like nothing else. i'm so afraid to say it, but something in my gut says that day has come. imposed itself without me even knowing. now even nostalgia seems so foreign, like an irrevocable thing. It’s become so bad, that even my guitar can’t offer comfort. Talk me out of this, somebody…
Saturday, May 24, 2003
Could I invoke feelings that aren’t there?
Being jaded’s not fun. So out of line with the hedonist I try to be.
So what if I know so much? If I’ve already lost the touch,
the sense of anything. what’s the use?
Is this void just a shield I put up, repelling emotion and all it can induce?
It’s empty, all right. - I’ve kept it airtight.
But could it be that I’m just dying.
Dying inside and rotting away.
Disintegration or maybe just a long respite for my soul.
All falling out, the parts of my whole.
Revive me. Satisfy me. Don’t deny me.
Grab what’s left before I all fade to obscurity.
~ Copyright of Amelia Yeo ~
Being jaded’s not fun. So out of line with the hedonist I try to be.
So what if I know so much? If I’ve already lost the touch,
the sense of anything. what’s the use?
Is this void just a shield I put up, repelling emotion and all it can induce?
It’s empty, all right. - I’ve kept it airtight.
But could it be that I’m just dying.
Dying inside and rotting away.
Disintegration or maybe just a long respite for my soul.
All falling out, the parts of my whole.
Revive me. Satisfy me. Don’t deny me.
Grab what’s left before I all fade to obscurity.
~ Copyright of Amelia Yeo ~
Thursday, May 22, 2003
talking to clement now... and they call me lame! he's like lagi lame, man! haha
now, we're talking bout how i like to "stop time"(in his words) by writing my blog.
you know how some people live for the future and for what's to come? i think i live so that i can turn around and look back at where i've tread. i relive the good and bad moments and feel them all over again but differently each time. i think the one thing that pushes me forward is the thought that as long as i go front, there'll always be something to look back on. then all the memories - good and bad - are suddenly comforting. some may say oh, cheap thrills. but when you live for what you came from, you see the world different from the others. again. and again. and again.
now, we're talking bout how i like to "stop time"(in his words) by writing my blog.
you know how some people live for the future and for what's to come? i think i live so that i can turn around and look back at where i've tread. i relive the good and bad moments and feel them all over again but differently each time. i think the one thing that pushes me forward is the thought that as long as i go front, there'll always be something to look back on. then all the memories - good and bad - are suddenly comforting. some may say oh, cheap thrills. but when you live for what you came from, you see the world different from the others. again. and again. and again.
Ha-Ha! i am back from sentosa - with a tan! yes! - 'tis TANgible, the result of my efforts. haha.
i've decided to drown myself in words this holis - went to eastpoint and rented me 2 books. (think i won't return the kundera one cos i like it). i'm also gonna (finally) read this article in National Geographic that i've been pushing back. it's bout Abraham and the 3 religions linked to him. i'm sure i'll have a lot of thoughts to share on that. but till then,...
i was thinking just now: do sweet dreams really exist? how come i've never had any? if someone can refute my claim (that sweet dreams don't exist), please do...
i've decided to drown myself in words this holis - went to eastpoint and rented me 2 books. (think i won't return the kundera one cos i like it). i'm also gonna (finally) read this article in National Geographic that i've been pushing back. it's bout Abraham and the 3 religions linked to him. i'm sure i'll have a lot of thoughts to share on that. but till then,...
i was thinking just now: do sweet dreams really exist? how come i've never had any? if someone can refute my claim (that sweet dreams don't exist), please do...
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Just finished (left one story out halfway though) Milan Kundera’s Laughable Loves. There’s a sense of relief; not cos it’s over and done with but because I’ve read and thought. I know I don’t seem to make sense.
Sometimes I take a step back and look around. really look. I’m not sure how to react to what I see – with disdain? with pity? - All this for people who (by choice or unwittingly) don’t ponder. then at times, there'll be an envious glint in my eye, coupled with the yearning to be just like the others - unthinking and (possibly)contented.
as i read just now, i felt this contentment cos i successfully refused to entertain my (increasingly seldom) recurring feelings for andrew. i can rightly say that, at that moment, i was filled with unemotion. ok; so now i think feelings, not feel them? This makes me no less pitiful than those who follow mindlessly, doesn't it?
oh this un-quietus... will it never end?
(use the merriam-webster online link on the left for ref on quietus)
i'm nauseous with confusion. it's funny how i can confuse myself to such an extent with a monologue. like how i take a 3rd-person perspective and look at me and my relationship with andrew and i go oh, such a pity. it's a bittersweet world ain't it?. the more i do this, the more i begin to question who i really am - the outsider looking in or just a whirlpool of perplexity taking it in but never spitting out. it seems so familiar yet foreign - all the sentiment. i'm not sure what i'm trying to do. maybe i should just be hedonistic. Eduard and God made me reflect so much that i feel like a perfectly polished silver spoon. part of me rebukes despises kundera for having written(at all, but in particularEduard and God).
tell me how to induce drowsiness and in turn, sleep. cos i can't cure this, my insomnia. i've so much more to wonder and my mind refuses to give it a rest. i'm not protesting, though i admit i hate not being able to sleep. goodmorning. does good matter anymore?-its clarity tainted by corruption, melding with subversion.
Sometimes I take a step back and look around. really look. I’m not sure how to react to what I see – with disdain? with pity? - All this for people who (by choice or unwittingly) don’t ponder. then at times, there'll be an envious glint in my eye, coupled with the yearning to be just like the others - unthinking and (possibly)contented.
as i read just now, i felt this contentment cos i successfully refused to entertain my (increasingly seldom) recurring feelings for andrew. i can rightly say that, at that moment, i was filled with unemotion. ok; so now i think feelings, not feel them? This makes me no less pitiful than those who follow mindlessly, doesn't it?
oh this un-quietus... will it never end?
(use the merriam-webster online link on the left for ref on quietus)
i'm nauseous with confusion. it's funny how i can confuse myself to such an extent with a monologue. like how i take a 3rd-person perspective and look at me and my relationship with andrew and i go oh, such a pity. it's a bittersweet world ain't it?. the more i do this, the more i begin to question who i really am - the outsider looking in or just a whirlpool of perplexity taking it in but never spitting out. it seems so familiar yet foreign - all the sentiment. i'm not sure what i'm trying to do. maybe i should just be hedonistic. Eduard and God made me reflect so much that i feel like a perfectly polished silver spoon. part of me rebukes despises kundera for having written(at all, but in particularEduard and God).
tell me how to induce drowsiness and in turn, sleep. cos i can't cure this, my insomnia. i've so much more to wonder and my mind refuses to give it a rest. i'm not protesting, though i admit i hate not being able to sleep. goodmorning. does good matter anymore?-its clarity tainted by corruption, melding with subversion.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
oh boy does time fly... it's been more than 2 weeks since medisoc exam - woah. i haven't been feeling fatally blah, thanks to yesterday's bbq and my french club meeting tmr. knowing i have something to do gives me a sense of purpose which is good. yup.
Last night me and some of me friends saw a few strange things in the sky. not shooting stars and definitely not planes. that started us on extra-terrestrials - do they really exist? what's the mystery behind it all?
I often like to ask hey, do you ever wonder what's on the other side of the moon? do you think there's bluecheese?
And almost always, people look at me funny and go you're crazy. But i'm serious. Don’t you ever wonder? it's funny no one questions stuff like that. how can anyone not be curious? The conclusion: people just don't question enough.
an hour or so before we left, isaac, pam and gary were having christian praise and worship thingy in one corner. karol and me went to kaypoh and found ourselves amidst a 'fellowship' in which we felt very uneasy. Not because the rest were christian, but I guess being close to God scares me. I wonder why sometimes - shamefully. I guess I’ve lost touch with God; it’s like I know he’s there, but I always start prayers by going God…erm…you there? I feel so estranged.
I should start reading again. I’ve forgotten how to read.
Last night me and some of me friends saw a few strange things in the sky. not shooting stars and definitely not planes. that started us on extra-terrestrials - do they really exist? what's the mystery behind it all?
I often like to ask hey, do you ever wonder what's on the other side of the moon? do you think there's bluecheese?
And almost always, people look at me funny and go you're crazy. But i'm serious. Don’t you ever wonder? it's funny no one questions stuff like that. how can anyone not be curious? The conclusion: people just don't question enough.
an hour or so before we left, isaac, pam and gary were having christian praise and worship thingy in one corner. karol and me went to kaypoh and found ourselves amidst a 'fellowship' in which we felt very uneasy. Not because the rest were christian, but I guess being close to God scares me. I wonder why sometimes - shamefully. I guess I’ve lost touch with God; it’s like I know he’s there, but I always start prayers by going God…erm…you there? I feel so estranged.
I should start reading again. I’ve forgotten how to read.
Saturday, May 17, 2003
What's Your Magic Power?
brought to you by Quizilla
Alamak! this test is so inaccurate! chey!
aiyoh... i write so much - tak boleh tahan. this blog macam The Trials and Tribulations of the Walking OxyMoron.
anyway, i have something odd to report: andrew mentioned me in his blog today. (fwah! - but wait, there's more!) and i thought it a bit unusual that the words "amelia" and "love" appeared in the same blog entry. hmm...
i don't know how i manage to say this so stoically - i don't think i can feel the same way again. (or can i? *gasp* dangdangdang!)
oh well, watever... i'll just wait to see what happens. for all you know, he might be referring to someone else in his blog.
just like in that song DIARY by Bread. beautiful song. very sad. will this situation turn out like that? i think what's even sadder is that i won't be sad if it turns out not to be me.
oh ya, out of context - i just got appointed the Deputy Publicity President of Club Francais (Ngee Ann's French Club). yay! haha... wat the hell. haha
another random thought: was thinking of adopting my stepfather's surname, cos i think he deserves the credit.
so that'll make me: Amelia Joaquin Yeo (Puspalm) Wu Kia, Yang Yu Jia. wah say! so long!
Thursday, May 15, 2003
ok... so the last part of this day wasn't so bad after all...
managed make 5 beads in all. also, my parents weren't pissed bout the swimming shorts and the iron (my mum managed to scrap off the burnt stuff tt got stuck). and i had green curry for dinner - that made the day quite good. tomorrow i'm gonna drag myself to the gym again. parents imposed a bed-time @ 12.30am. don't know why they so hung up bout me sleeping at 3. oh well...
i've come to conclude that i'm a terribly bitter person. was chatting with vien just now and she told me she had included melissa yeo and nicole tan in her tortoise-auctioning game. i still don't like them very much. don't bitch bout them already though. i seem to remember the worst things - the time nicole said i couldn't sing for nuts, the time she forgot to fetch me for her party, the time she looked at my photo and told me i was very ugly, yada yada. don't get me started on melissa.
it's funny how stuff frm ages ago sticks in my head. it's been like wat... 4yrs? those impressionable adolescent years huh. i feel like such a bitch, harbouring cheap shit like that. sometimes i wonder if i should just be genuinely nice if i ever bump into them again. i mean, we all had issues as kids, yes? watever. it's bedtime soon. got 5 mins to brush teeth.
oh yeah; ambivalence - new word i learnt frm nad's blog. Black night is a long way from home...woah oh...
managed make 5 beads in all. also, my parents weren't pissed bout the swimming shorts and the iron (my mum managed to scrap off the burnt stuff tt got stuck). and i had green curry for dinner - that made the day quite good. tomorrow i'm gonna drag myself to the gym again. parents imposed a bed-time @ 12.30am. don't know why they so hung up bout me sleeping at 3. oh well...
i've come to conclude that i'm a terribly bitter person. was chatting with vien just now and she told me she had included melissa yeo and nicole tan in her tortoise-auctioning game. i still don't like them very much. don't bitch bout them already though. i seem to remember the worst things - the time nicole said i couldn't sing for nuts, the time she forgot to fetch me for her party, the time she looked at my photo and told me i was very ugly, yada yada. don't get me started on melissa.
it's funny how stuff frm ages ago sticks in my head. it's been like wat... 4yrs? those impressionable adolescent years huh. i feel like such a bitch, harbouring cheap shit like that. sometimes i wonder if i should just be genuinely nice if i ever bump into them again. i mean, we all had issues as kids, yes? watever. it's bedtime soon. got 5 mins to brush teeth.
oh yeah; ambivalence - new word i learnt frm nad's blog. Black night is a long way from home...woah oh...
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
argh!!!!! fuck!
just as i thought nothing could spoil this day. and just as i thought i wasn't gonna spoil anything else...
i just burnt a whole in my stepfather's swimming shorts and spoilt the iron at the same time. - the new iron which my mother had just bought after I had spoilt the old old one, which wasn't very old by the way.
she's gonna kill me when she gets back. she's already gona be so pissed, cos the washing machine broke down and she just took Uncle Boy's clothes to wash this afternoon. i hope i wasn't the one who spoilt the washing machine too.
shit... now i'm in such a rotten mood. thought this day was gonna be good; i made some paper beads and actually read the newspapers. it all started after i called andrew an hour ago, and he wasn't home. Murphy's Law huh...
i hope tomorrow won't be this bad. i'm looking for something to live for right now. and i think i could win an award for "Murphy's Favourite Target".
oh guess what, i found the guitar pick - under my mousepad. i'm feeling bloody random. yippee... *sigh*
just as i thought nothing could spoil this day. and just as i thought i wasn't gonna spoil anything else...
i just burnt a whole in my stepfather's swimming shorts and spoilt the iron at the same time. - the new iron which my mother had just bought after I had spoilt the old old one, which wasn't very old by the way.
she's gonna kill me when she gets back. she's already gona be so pissed, cos the washing machine broke down and she just took Uncle Boy's clothes to wash this afternoon. i hope i wasn't the one who spoilt the washing machine too.
shit... now i'm in such a rotten mood. thought this day was gonna be good; i made some paper beads and actually read the newspapers. it all started after i called andrew an hour ago, and he wasn't home. Murphy's Law huh...
i hope tomorrow won't be this bad. i'm looking for something to live for right now. and i think i could win an award for "Murphy's Favourite Target".
oh guess what, i found the guitar pick - under my mousepad. i'm feeling bloody random. yippee... *sigh*
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
just fixed up a tag board! - scroll down now to see it!
oh boy, i should've listened more in webgraph last year when we learnt html. now i's to figure out everything all over again!
i'm hungry... had speech make-up this morning. was spposed to go running with miru after that. karol tried to dissuade me while we waited for miru, but i was quite adamant about getting a tan in the scorching midday sun. then as i got up to go change, i was seized by a mysterious pain in my back. and suddenly, karol's cheeky grins and threats to call jon (for certain dubious reasons) all fell into place. well... i'm not saying she had anything to do with the pain in my back. it's just that... (Karol, i'm not accusing you of anything. nah! ...wouldn't dare! hahaha)
moving on... i am still hungry... went to ikea with karol after not running with miru. and we ate lots in the cafe. yum! oooh, goodsy goodsy meatballs and princess cake! Felt a bit crazy (possible implication of the pain in my back, heh) so i decided to take 33 home. fwah! - super long bus route man! alighted halfway and took mrt. then, as if some greater power had gotten wind of my plans to prolong my journey home, the feeder bus broke down twice. haha. was trying very hard to hold in the laughs as the driver started the bus again. and again. and again. haha. it's funny wat...
anyway, got back, was still too full from meatballs and princess cake to eat dinner so i dumped the food in the fridge and now i'm dying from hunger.
fwah! my story so long... now i'm so tired from typing. and i'm still hungry!
wow, i just realised that this is the first time that i'm happy while i'm writing here. yay! - cos that's a good thing, right?
i'm really happy cos i got my icq up and running again. i'm usually not passionate enough to complete things i start, but when i really want something, i try really hard. so... the moral of the story, boys and girls, is to perservere. haha, yeah watever.
ok, now you should go leave me a tag... now! eh quick! .... now ah!
my mum is crazy - i unknowingly grinned to myself in the car the other day and she asked who i was thinking bout. crazy lah... i don't have to think bout anyone to smile ok. sometimes just having nothing to think about is hilarious enough. sometimes lah.
aiyoh, i'd better stop writing...
oh wait! i forgot to tell - i saw chun choon at ikea haha. ok now i'm REALLY gonna stop writing. right about now. at this very mome-
oh boy, i should've listened more in webgraph last year when we learnt html. now i's to figure out everything all over again!
i'm hungry... had speech make-up this morning. was spposed to go running with miru after that. karol tried to dissuade me while we waited for miru, but i was quite adamant about getting a tan in the scorching midday sun. then as i got up to go change, i was seized by a mysterious pain in my back. and suddenly, karol's cheeky grins and threats to call jon (for certain dubious reasons) all fell into place. well... i'm not saying she had anything to do with the pain in my back. it's just that... (Karol, i'm not accusing you of anything. nah! ...wouldn't dare! hahaha)
moving on... i am still hungry... went to ikea with karol after not running with miru. and we ate lots in the cafe. yum! oooh, goodsy goodsy meatballs and princess cake! Felt a bit crazy (possible implication of the pain in my back, heh) so i decided to take 33 home. fwah! - super long bus route man! alighted halfway and took mrt. then, as if some greater power had gotten wind of my plans to prolong my journey home, the feeder bus broke down twice. haha. was trying very hard to hold in the laughs as the driver started the bus again. and again. and again. haha. it's funny wat...
anyway, got back, was still too full from meatballs and princess cake to eat dinner so i dumped the food in the fridge and now i'm dying from hunger.
fwah! my story so long... now i'm so tired from typing. and i'm still hungry!
wow, i just realised that this is the first time that i'm happy while i'm writing here. yay! - cos that's a good thing, right?
i'm really happy cos i got my icq up and running again. i'm usually not passionate enough to complete things i start, but when i really want something, i try really hard. so... the moral of the story, boys and girls, is to perservere. haha, yeah watever.
ok, now you should go leave me a tag... now! eh quick! .... now ah!
my mum is crazy - i unknowingly grinned to myself in the car the other day and she asked who i was thinking bout. crazy lah... i don't have to think bout anyone to smile ok. sometimes just having nothing to think about is hilarious enough. sometimes lah.
aiyoh, i'd better stop writing...
oh wait! i forgot to tell - i saw chun choon at ikea haha. ok now i'm REALLY gonna stop writing. right about now. at this very mome-
Sunday, May 11, 2003
oh, lookie... i'm back here again.
was a bit pissed just now. i don't even know why. he complains that girls always put incomprehensible stuff on their blog and that maybe there isn't much to be understand bout them. So i said hey i have a blog, but nothing you'll be interested in. And he replied so don't give me the address..
so why am i angry? i don't know - i'm crazy? yes, i am. but tell me something i don't already know.
i think people would understand if they started off with understanding that it can't be understood. geddit?
why do some people just run away when they see me angry? ...i know, i'm not easy to be with when i'm fuming; but it's precisely at that moment - when i can't keep it in - that i need someone to tell me that it's not criminally wrong to be angry. oh wat the hell...
anyway, it's funny - what i feel for andrew. or rather, what i don't feel for him.
(yes, yes, as i write this, i hear the laments of my peeps - those who have, unfortunately, had to sit through conversations where i mention this name 101 times.)
contrary to what a lot of people may think, I’m not in love with him. I think I’m in love with loving him. Do I make sense?
I wrote this poem a few days ago. (i never want andrew to see this poem; don't want him to hurt, even if he's an expert in inflicting pain.)
The feelings come back every now and then. I try not to entertain them…
The memory pangs strike again.
But the pleasure, so outmeasures the pain.
Recall of it brings back the agony.
But draws the yearning in me.
To feel you holding me, to feel your lips on mine.
To feel the tingle down my spine.
The swirl of love and hurt divine.
I want the pain if pain’s the price.
I’d pay with my love for this vice.
Don’t miss you as much as the loving you gave.
Since you left, that’s all I’ve craved.
I feel like a sinner, so brazenly stating
Her sentiment of restricted rating.
But my honesty’s a consolation.
So forgive the candid intention.
Copyright of Joaquin.
was a bit pissed just now. i don't even know why. he complains that girls always put incomprehensible stuff on their blog and that maybe there isn't much to be understand bout them. So i said hey i have a blog, but nothing you'll be interested in. And he replied so don't give me the address..
so why am i angry? i don't know - i'm crazy? yes, i am. but tell me something i don't already know.
i think people would understand if they started off with understanding that it can't be understood. geddit?
why do some people just run away when they see me angry? ...i know, i'm not easy to be with when i'm fuming; but it's precisely at that moment - when i can't keep it in - that i need someone to tell me that it's not criminally wrong to be angry. oh wat the hell...
anyway, it's funny - what i feel for andrew. or rather, what i don't feel for him.
(yes, yes, as i write this, i hear the laments of my peeps - those who have, unfortunately, had to sit through conversations where i mention this name 101 times.)
contrary to what a lot of people may think, I’m not in love with him. I think I’m in love with loving him. Do I make sense?
I wrote this poem a few days ago. (i never want andrew to see this poem; don't want him to hurt, even if he's an expert in inflicting pain.)
The feelings come back every now and then. I try not to entertain them…
The memory pangs strike again.
But the pleasure, so outmeasures the pain.
Recall of it brings back the agony.
But draws the yearning in me.
To feel you holding me, to feel your lips on mine.
To feel the tingle down my spine.
The swirl of love and hurt divine.
I want the pain if pain’s the price.
I’d pay with my love for this vice.
Don’t miss you as much as the loving you gave.
Since you left, that’s all I’ve craved.
I feel like a sinner, so brazenly stating
Her sentiment of restricted rating.
But my honesty’s a consolation.
So forgive the candid intention.
Copyright of Joaquin.
Friday, May 09, 2003
it's amazing how boring life can be sometimes, you know...
was walking back home from tampines mart just now and i had all these thoughts in my head. But they all just flew past, or tottered on the edge of my consciousness; so it was like they were there, but not quite.
Went down to school today to sign up for intermediate french - cost me a whopping $312! but it'll all be worth it, cos by june next yr, i SHOULD be able to speak french (kindof) effectively. FWAH! haha.
anyway, wents to np library after that to finish watching The Breakfast Club where i left off the last time. and saw the Teenage Textbook Movie after that.
...*sigh* you know how sometimes you get so hungry, everything just tastes good? i think boredom is a little like that. sometimes i get so listless and blah and apathetic that i just want to feel something - just to fill that void.
Between grief and nothing I will take grief. ~ William Faulkner
cool guy huh?, that William Faulkner guy. oh well, what to do now? maybe i'll watch the Run Lola Run vcd karin lent me. hhmm...
was walking back home from tampines mart just now and i had all these thoughts in my head. But they all just flew past, or tottered on the edge of my consciousness; so it was like they were there, but not quite.
Went down to school today to sign up for intermediate french - cost me a whopping $312! but it'll all be worth it, cos by june next yr, i SHOULD be able to speak french (kindof) effectively. FWAH! haha.
anyway, wents to np library after that to finish watching The Breakfast Club where i left off the last time. and saw the Teenage Textbook Movie after that.
...*sigh* you know how sometimes you get so hungry, everything just tastes good? i think boredom is a little like that. sometimes i get so listless and blah and apathetic that i just want to feel something - just to fill that void.
Between grief and nothing I will take grief. ~ William Faulkner
cool guy huh?, that William Faulkner guy. oh well, what to do now? maybe i'll watch the Run Lola Run vcd karin lent me. hhmm...
Thursday, May 08, 2003
ok! so i've finally decided to get a blog...
ya.. after alot of contemplation. anyways, i gots to go takes a shower now - me and my new cool do. i wanted a shorter haircut though; mother-dearest didn't allow. but watever... as soon as this hair grows out and i get sick of it, i'm gonna cut it really short. will do it myself if i have to.
anyway, gonna cool off now. SPLISH-SPLASH!
ya.. after alot of contemplation. anyways, i gots to go takes a shower now - me and my new cool do. i wanted a shorter haircut though; mother-dearest didn't allow. but watever... as soon as this hair grows out and i get sick of it, i'm gonna cut it really short. will do it myself if i have to.
anyway, gonna cool off now. SPLISH-SPLASH!