i wasn't feeling my best in NYC. the food and the general (lack of) social etiquette of service staff made me feel uneasy. katie kept chiding me for taking what she thought was an excessive number of pictures. and best or worst of all, i was lovesick; i thought of lucien and i couldn't breathe. i couldn't get him off of my mind. and the monday evening before ny too- when we decided to go to zak's after work. we locked up the store at almost 1am and then went to res so i could change and he had brought spare clothes too (goodness knows for wat.. but horniness cares not for clothing). he made himself comfortable in front of my laptop and he showed me some pictures of his town back in switz. i showed him davin and eric's room so he could compare it to emily's cool room and he ended up talking to andy there. at two plus, we walked in the cold to his place, having snowball fights on the way. i slammed the main door on my finger and got a blood blister. he held my hand to look at it then i asked if i hot or cold water would help soothe it and he replied that hot water would burn my hand and help the rest of it match the redness of the blister. i laughed because love is brutal and hurts so good. he turned down the lights and we sat on his sofa bed, channel-surfing his old school tv. if i wasn't hungry like i was, i would've suggested i stay the night cos he was saying he was tired. so we finally made it to zak's and our food came at 4, we ate and talked till 5. he told me i was the craziest girl he had ever met. "normal girls would be asleep at this time. a normal girl wouldn't be out having supper at 4am with some guy she knew from work". i never thought to question his knowledge of the normal girl but i'm stupid like that when i love. i said i'm strange and he asked why i didn't use 'special' instead. which one is better? i replied that strange would be like bizarre or étrange so i guess you could say i was special. he sneakily paid for my meal so i could have enough money to buy my zak's mug. we walked through the mc's and he stopped and stood in front of that traffic light between scotiabank and the scottish pub, listening to the christmas music emanating from i duno where. he held his arms out and asked me if i would like to dance. we held each other and he spun me round a couple of times and i was absolutely thrilled. that night, i felt way surer of myself than i had the night we went to chez nil-esteem-guy to smoke tuh-klao. i gave him a nice warm hug before we separated at besserer. i wondered why we didn't se bisous.

leely asked on tues evening why i hadnt slept and i told her i was at zak's with lucien till 5am. ok....... no more qns, she said and gave me one of her looks. i felt naughty and a strange kind of special, like maybe soon i'd be able to share my secret with the world and it'd be happy for me. wed evening- my second last shift ever- i scalded my left hand and lucien had to come help us close cos amanda had a broken wrist frm the week before, and with my scalded left hand, that made us a pair of (unwilling) hands (leely's), and two non-opposing hands. the following morning, we woke up early- me, lucien and amanda- to have brekky at cora's. lulu and i went to the international office to get our insurance cards and then to the med centre to have our burns checked.

that same night, after work, he told me he liked how 70% of our customers were girls. i was a bit taken aback. and then he said but it's not about girls, but girl.. and then he showed me how a certain celine had filled up his cell msg box. i walked home slowly into rez that night, confused. so he's with celine, he's after bettina, he flirts with me and he ogles all our female customers. and i wonder why that doesn't make me feel extra special.

i thought of him as i was walking dwn the street in ny and i felt sick with love.

first stop after the hostel was central park. after watching the early morning crowd, i decided to myself that if there was one thing i could be, it'd be a dog in central park; to bound in any direction or distance i pleased, to lick as much snow of the ground as i could, to be a fucking social whore with the other bitches. two days later, freezing in the queue for the ellis island ferry, i changed my mind. i wanted to be right then and there, a fat new york pigeon. then i'd get to wear snazzy dark pink shoes and a thick grey coat that would protect me from windchill.

this mornite (last night) florence came over and after leaving the 12th floor party which lucien had asked me to attend, we hung in my room, then took the lift dwn, only to get stuck in it for almost an hour. we'd been talking bout josh and how he was the guy florence had noticed the last time he was a customer. i wonder if he had really joined cos of me like he told me he did. florence also told me that during the weekend, one girl customer had asked about me and then told florence that she loved how i always gave good service. makes me proud of myself. i told her later that i liked lucien (which was a huge lie since i was more than obsessed) and i came painfully undone as she made me realise how well my perfect guy knew how to use his perfection. but then it's not like he had asked me to be a total sucker for him. i wonder what he goes through his mind when he does all this.



"Come on baby, make it hurt so good."


it's nearly 6am and i'm taking forever to write this because i keep falling asleep. time for bed, amelia.

All the more i want, all the more i need. And all the while, you want something more.

this would actually be a good time to start studying for linguistics. since i've found myself to be extensively academically productive when brooding.

i wonder why i keep destroying myself physically. i was really surprised when donis told me a few weeks back that i was wasting away. i knew i was losing weight but i didn't realise it was so extreme. then two mornites ago, heather looks at me and exclaims that i look like i'm wasting away. i'm a bit worried; at first it was a healthy kind of weight loss cos i was eating only what i cooked and hardly bought crappy caf food or junk. but now i just don't eat simply because i don't know what to cook cos i haven't planned my meals ahead of time or cos i wake up late and don't have time. now, i run my hands up and down my side and i can hear my knuckles grinding against my ribs.

i tripped for the first time today and it felt very strange. vietnamese tobacco at lucien's friend's hse after work. the guy who tried to feel me up at the club. it was very awkward especially when i first got to the house and the weird asian guy who tried to pick me up that night (and whom i kind of just walked away from) was also there.

:: Falling From Grace - the gentle waves

the awkward guy who tried to feel me up at the club made me feel uncomfortable from the very first time i met him because he had this "i have extremely low self-esteem" written all over him. i duno if it's just me, but i find it pretty obvious if someone has real low self-esteem because they just have this look on their face all the time. like they wanna say something but they don't wanna say it. and then sometimes their eyes dart around, trying to attune themselves to the general aura of the room but never really succeed. i find myself trying to avert my eyes from theirs because i always feel like they expect me to talk to them. very uncomfortable.

i remember claire was saying once, that tim told nuno that he thinks "silence is a sign of weakness". and then i realised maybe that was why every time there was a silence, he'd make hapless attempts at filling them, only succeeding in turning a beautiful silence into disjointed awkward moments. and then today, the awkward guy at the house told us "i don't silences". and it all clicked in my head. well, it wasn't that dramatic ike that- no clicking sound and shouts of eureka. but i certainly did feel like this was an important discovery to my informal intrapersonal discourse on human relations. why do silences make people who don't have a strong sense of self feel uncomfortable?


you know, i had fantasised about wat was gonna happen tonight cos i thought we were gonna get high together, just me and lucien. i should've known better not to expect. things are NEVER the way i expect them to be. does that only happen to me? i first realised this when in primary sch, zehzeh and mummy let me pick a movie, and i convinced them to go see broken down or break down or something like that, starring kurt russell. i said i thought it looked good and i genuinely expected it to be. zehzeh said it looked stupid and that it looked like it'd be crappy. so we ended up watching it anyway and i ended up being quite disappointed and very confused with myself. i wondered why it was that zehzeh's expectations turned out to be correct for her and for me, while mine was just wrong for everyone. from then on, i started mentally noting all the times things didn't turn out the way i expected them to and it truly was EVERY TIME. i guess after a while it didn't bother me. especially since things would work in my favour (like i'd expect to sing off-key during a concert but i end up performing really well). sometimes i'd try to expect the opposite of what i first expect so that i could be right for once but then tt would only confuse me. and then sometimes, like this mornite, i'd want so bad for things to work out that i'd expect them to. it doesn't bother me, the fact that once again, i'm wrong. but more so the fact that i ignored my own warning and chose to expect.

i'm losing my head, my heart, my sense of life. i don't feel like rolling no fucking stone up no fucking hill anymore. this sisyphus is losing it.

i know i have a tendency to become slightly obsessed. today i laughed so hard. he's so funny i can't fucking help it. i had shitloads of fun at work today with emily and lucien. i so know i'm gonna miss working there. i'm gonna miss flirting there as well. haha.

:: Strange and Beautiful - aqualung

i like this playlist i made for myself. mes chansons apaisants.

i'm glad i went for the party in the end cos i did end up enjoying myself. cept when lucien's flatmate's friend tried to feel me up on the dance floor and when the strange asian guy tried to chat me up. the birthday boy and birthday girl were so smashed they couldn't stand up without help even before we reached the club. kat thinks i tried to touch his ass when i was helping him to Foundation haha. i didn't touch his ass and i didn't try, but it was just nice standing so close to him. even though i knew the only reason he was pulling me closer was cos it was a fucking -12 and he was trying not to turn into an alcohol popsicle.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me

Yeah...
Yeah...

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

i had this whole fantasy going on, you know? haha. i'd go to the party and he'd pull me aside and profess his love for me, whispering into my ear. and then we'd wait for everyone else to leave before making sweet love on his couch/bed/watever. oh wat a night! haha. but then i got my fucking period, and then he got fucking drunk. not to mention, he mumbled his feelings for some french girl while me and some other girl were helping him to the club. very nice. i should've been dramatic and let go off him while we were crossing the rd, start screaming and wailing in the middle of rideau and make a huge scene. haha. i think too much. but wat am i thinking? i'm not a worthwhile investment, really. 20 days and we'll probably never see each other again (cept on facebook maybe). i feel a bit foolish now. a little love makes a fool out of everyone. i wish he'd be a fool for me, if only for 20 days.

work tomorrow.

oh ya, billy was up on our floor yesterday and we kind of decided to go busking together in front of the mall or at the market some time soon. i'm really excited and hope this doesn't turn out to be one of those things i say i'm gonna do but end up not doing.

je vais aller à NYC avec angelique et katie. je voulais vraiment que lucien and florence puisse nous joindre mais ils seront pas disponible. i guess we can never have everything, can we? since i was younger (duno when), i'd always hoped that each time i suffered or each time my wishes didn't come true, someone else's situation would be ameliorated. you know, kind of like, God can't grant everyone's wishes at the same time. so if not getting my wish means that someone else is getting theirs, then i'm fine with that. like how when i miss the bus, i think to myself that maybe someone on that bus prayed for it to go faster so they wouldn't be late for work. it's good that nothing is in vain.

... still, i am but a fool for love.

:: Answer - sarah mclachlan

it's a crazy -12 outside right now. this mornite we watched Das Leben der Anderen and Babel. i thought the latter was a little draggy. now my eyes are tired and contacts are stuck to my eyeballs. have a rezlife choir xmas show at rideau ctr tmr. i don't feel like going for it.

i feel like my life could be better than it feels right now. i feel like i need a guy right now. i guess it's cos i'm ovulating. but wouldn't it be nice? to have someone to warm my bed, to talk about excitedly, to listen to my ranting, to run their fingers up and down my just-waxed legs, to tell me what to do sometimes when i feel like being dominated or don't feel like making decisions.

my favourite people at work are lucien and florence. avec eux, je suis a l'aise. florence est ma mignonne poulette et lucien, il sais me faire rigoler. j'espere que ce soir se passera bien avec eux. on devrait sortir a danser et relaxer.

i hope i can find someone to go to ny with me. and then i hope i have enough money left to visit jenn in montreal.

:: If You Don't Mean It - dean geyer

wed-thurs mornite, after sitting in the common room gawking at the falling snow, listening to Feist and getting emo while heather and davin studied, we all went downstairs to play in the snow. had a snowball fight and made snow angels. entrancing.

i should sleep if i wanna sing for the xmas show tmr. i should sleep if i wanna do anything actually.

:: Kind and Generous - natalie merchant

{:oD

:: Innocence - avril lavigne

just talking to shana bout the snow i saw last night and how lovely it looked coming down frm the sky and suddenly i remembered wat it looked like. like one of those old MS screensavers with the black sky and the stars coming at you. it was like that when i looked into the sky last night, only in slow motion.

i wish tonight would be as pretty.

i came back from work at 1am to find another condom wrapped tightly round my doorknob. extremely unfunny since i'm never in a good mood just after work. and then i go to the kitchen and i'm really hungry and i realise matt only left me the burger patties and no bread. didn't i tell him last night that i don't have any bread to eat the burgers with? why would someone put a condom on my doorknob? if you really wanna fuck me, come and ask me. then i'll tell you yes, no or maybe or go fuck yourself first and if it was good then maybe i'll consider... and if you wanted to fuck my doorknob, i think i should be the first to know especially since the doorknob is attached to my door which is part of my room which i paid for with my father's money. therefore, it's contracted to me and if anyone wants to get any pleasure out of it, i expect some sort of renumeration. RGH! FUCK!! i've questioned the most likely suspects and i haven't found the culprit. so while this is starting to frustrate me a little, it's also getting a little bit creepy cos if it's not someone i know, then i really don't know who it is.

it's not snowing anymore. it was nice while it lasted though. went dwn an hour ago to smoke a canelle and had to pass his door again and i heard a girl's voice. but watever, i don't wanna care and i'm trying not to take it personally because i don't have time to. anyways, the snow stayed on the ground for a bit and it was lovely. the ground was all white and shiny and i stuck my tongue out to catch some flurry and some of it got into my eye. and i wrote my name on the road. i should've brought my camera down and i should've called andy down to join us too. he'd have loved it.

this evening, i came back to find a fucking condom tight round my doorknob. still haven't found the culprit yet but i suspect it was tim. i just hope it wasn't used cos i don't intend to wash my gloves any time soon.

i made beer-battered fish and chips today with snapper and sweet potatoes. it was gooood. and matt missed it cos he had a group meeting at the last minute. i'm half-convinced that he backed out cos he was worried i'd poison his food after finding out bout him and the little miss yesterday. well, it's his loss anyways, cos my f&cs won't taste half as good fridged and reheated.

j'ai eu ma derniere presentation ojourdui et ca s'est passee comme ci comme ca. je veux plus y penser. les examens akan datang.

oh did i tell you my perfomance with claire went well? i fucked up a couple of chords but eric said no one would've notice (though he did) so i guess it's all good.

i've bout a month left in ottawa and i know i'm gonna miss here when i leave. i hope i have enough money to visit NY and go to montreal to see jenn.

:: Temple of the King - rainbow

gonna do my meal plan now and go to sleep.

i wish i hadn't seen them. now it makes things very awkward in my head and i hope i don't subconsciously poison his dinner tmr. or later today, i mean. i shouldn't even have gotten interested in the first place. damn yoo donis for putting your ideas ideas into my head. am i jealous? yes i'm jealous cos i like that fucker. he is a cute fucker. but now he's a cute taken fucker. FUCK.

it feels a bit shitty inside. wore my new boots to go down and smoke cinnamon with the rest who went ahead of me and they had just come out of his room and i took the lift dwn with them and it was awkward; he didn't introduce us or anything. i duno why i expected him to. and then i ran ahead of them because i didn't want to be a lightbulb and i didn't want the rest to finish without me. i had my back facing the exit, the cinnamon between my lips and then heather and kat tried to be nice and provide me with live commentry: oh hey here he comes.. maybe they're just friends.. hey, he's looking at you, amelia!... oh shit they just kissed, now that's the end of your life. that was how the shitty feeling came about. and then i asked donis if he knew if youknowwho had a gf and he didn't have a clue. and i related the story to him and he was like are you jealous. fuck of course im fucking jealous. because i'm psycho. i feel so juvenile right now.

been feeling quite blah lately. maybe it's the cold? i like dressing up for the cold though; i get to match my layers and wear the cute beanie mummy bought me, my gloves and a scarf. and my cheeks get blush when the wind kisses them. i don't know why i feel so unmotivated though. maybe it's cos i'm having shisha-withdrawal and cinnamon-overload.

i finally got down to cutting up the remaining two unrotted pumpkins, because i was trying to avoid touching my syntax textbook. washed the seeds and set them aside to dry, cut up the flesh and made a capalang pumpkin fudge. we'll try it when i get back from work tues midnight, when davin and kat are off their detox diet. i put more nutmeg than required so we'll see if we get high on that. haha.

claire and i have decided to sing madonna's Cherish for the benefit concert and i'm really excited cos this'll be the first time i play sing and play guitar on stage. and i'm really excited for it to go well cos i wanted to try something diff, like a song that doesn't already have an acoustic version.

i think i know why i'm feeling down. maybe it's the lack of fresh air. ever since it's gotten cold, i've been keeping my window closed and staying in more cos the central heating sucks and i don't have proper winter stuff.

last week, one of my customers and the guy at the video store both commented that i had a british accent. i guess here, without the singlish, i've actually started to speak the way i read aloud. oh well haha. the one thing i don't like though, is canadians telling me: english is your first language? no... but.. you don't sound like you speak english as your first language. i find that pretty offensive. are you trying to tell me what i speak? and yes i understand your question, you don't have to repeat it. now that just reeks of ignorance. the ones who say that are those who think that if you don't speak english with a canadian(non-francophonie)/north american/british person speaks it, then you you're speaking english with an accent and therefore must've learnt it as a second language (not in terms of pedagogical methods, but in terms of order of language acquisition). the one girl who said this to me (that i speak english with an 'secondlanguage' accent), i told her yes, but to me, YOU speak english with an accent. it's called a CANADIAN accent. i felt like asking her so what's your native language since you speak english with an accent? it must be Canadianese or something right? but i think she got my point so i didn't bother. sometimes i duno why i bother being so culturally sensitive when nobody seems to give a shit. ah hah amelia yo're such a bitch.

it's too cold to go to class. fuck.. i need a good one.

i carried three pumpkins one and half times the size of my head up the hill all the way from the market. no time to put them in rez so i decided to put one in my bag so i could carry them to class. bad idea, my only functional school bag broke. got 57% for french listening compre midsem. pretty upsetting. i realised though, while lugging nearly quarter my weight of pumpkins and a french dictionary, that i have an amazing amount of determination. surely not all the time, but i do anyways.

right now i like work so much better cos at least i know what i'm doing most of the time. the other day some guy gave me a dollar tip. it wasn't even part of his change. he paid his drink with the exact amount and then took out another loonie (dollar coin) and said and this is for you. i really liked that. wish i could keep it but we'd already agreed to use our tips to sponsor two kids from bolivia. it's good that my charisma is sending someone to school right? i feel really touched when pple gimme tips and you know they're not doing it just to get rid of their coins. makes me feel like i'm good at what i do.

i was donatello on sat for halloween chez nicky. heather said i had the best costume. i didn't think so but i did think it pretty sick. then i got wasted at a keg party on a plastic cup of cranberry with smirnoff. sick turtle. very unglamorous. slept at a record-breaking 1.30am. go buy 4d.

it'll be nice to feel love again.

watched bout half of kat's hockey match last night (sunday night) and then went over to watch some guys playing in the other arena. very impressive and strangely titillating. i wondered to myself why i felt that way and i concluded that i was the kind of girl who needs to be with alphamale. not the strongest physically but someone i deem to have a strong personality. i guess lidong always felt a bit offended, saying how i wanted him to be the best blablablah. but why wouldn't i want you to be the strongest you could be? it still makes perfect sense to me. i guess i never felt like he challenged himself or tried very hard to make his own life happier than it could be. and tt made me unsettled and geram. it's not bout him though, this talk. i wonder what i really look for in life when it comes to tangible things.

getting ready for bed and suddenly i thought of lidong. i duno wat bout him. something nice and warm and close. it wasn't really a thought of him.. more like a feeling. and i wish time had stopped that night when we lay on his bed, watching the lights of the cars.

so come on, come on

my first go at blood sausage. fried with onions and blanched apple slices and had with mash. not bad. a bit jelak. the pasta i had two days later was better. hopefully the next time will be good.

am knackered and feeling oddly lonely and after browsing facebook, a bit disgusted with certain pple i know. absolumment déguelasse. UGH. found someone whom i dont mind to talk to online so it will get better yes?

une autre image de plus akan datang. damn this blogger image thing.

i keep having dried blood in my nose. stick my little finger in and it comes out all red. yuck. i need to drink more water cos i'm too heaty already. decided to go online and check wat other foods i can eat that are cooling cos i got no chinese tea and i don't like the bananas here.

here's what i found. highlighted are the some of the things (sortof) i've consumed in the past week days...

Cool (yin) Foods:
Bamboo shoot, banana, bitter gourd, clam, crab, grapefruit, lettuce, persimmon, salt, seaweed, star fruit, sugar cane, water chestnut, watermelon, lotus root, cucumber, barley, bean curd, chicken egg white, marjoram, oyster (sauce?), pear, peppermint, radish, strawberry, tangerine, and yogurt, broccoli, cauliflower, zuccini, corn, tomatoes, pineapple, turmeric.

Neutral (balanced yin and yang) Foods:
Corn, abalone, apricot, beef, beetroot, black fungus, carp, carrot, celery, chicken egg yolk, cuttlefish, duck, fig, honey, kidney bean, lotus fruit and seed, milk (cream), olive (oil), oyster, papaya, pork, potato, pumpkin, radish leaf, red bean, plum, sunflower seed, sweet rice, sweet potato, white fungus, yellow soybean, brussels sprouts, snow peas, sweet potato, taro, dates, figs, raspberries, raisins, sage, rosemary, thyme, brown rice, apple.

Heaty (yang) Foods:
Pepper, cinnamon bark, ginger, soybean oil, red and green pepper, chicken, apricot seed, brown sugar, cherry, chestnut, chive, cinnamon twig, clove, coconut, coffee, coriander (Chinese parsley), date, dillseed, eel, garlic, grapefruit peel, green onion, guava, ham, leaf mustard, leek, longan, mutton, nutmeg, peach, raspberry, rosemary, shrimp, spearmint, sweet basil, tobacco, vinegar, walnut, jackfruit, durian, leek, shallots, spring onion, , apricots, blackberries, black currant, mangoes, peaches, cherry, mandarin orange, grape.

How a food is prepared also matters. E.g Beef is considered as neutral, but if you have it deep fried or grilled, it would be considered as heaty.


since i fry nearly EVERYTHING, that makes half my diet heaty. j'ai vraiment besoin de boire l'eau de plus.. j'en ai jamais envie. tant pis. pfft.

i had a really rich dinner last night- pasta in a sauce made from garlic, liverwurst, blood sausage and cream. thought it was gonna make me sick but because i didn't put too much cream, it wasn't jelak at all. aussies matt and nik want to take turns with me to cook. i don't mind cooking for them; i'm only worried about their questionable cooking skills because i saw nik having a pack of kraft-dinner for lunch today and matt frying a can of beans and putting it on a pita for dinner. anyhow's matt is cooking my dinner on tues cos i'll be working. so we'll see how it goes.

iris and haida want me to move to m-hse but i'm not too keen cos i'm such a fucking social whore. haha.

hier soir, c’était le fun.. heather et moi, on était ennuyeux alors, on est allée là-bas pour fumer une clope et jouer de la guitare. nous avons inventé nos propres chansons en regardant ceux qui sortaient pour ses soirées. quelques gars bizarres, beaucoup de rire; il faisait de plus en plus froid mais on s’amusait trop et on s’en fichait.

hmm. i should practise my french more. sent my thanksgiving pics home via email. did i tell you i watched my first ice hockey match? nothing big scale but it was exciting nevertheless. i was worried suddenly last night. that i wasn't taking advantage of my time here as an exchange student to go travel on the weekends and all that. but then edmen reminded me i got to go to kat's place for thanksgiving and that all the touristy stuff you can alsways do another time. ya well, i guess that is true.. and i did see niagara falls after all. i guess it's not that i'm losing out. not being close to other exchange students just means i get a more local experience. plus, davin's really keen to take me home for his bowling tournament/tryouts thing in nov. i'll get to watch real canadian 5-pin bowling! and claudia said she'll ask her dad if they can take me to see quebec to see omega park (some cool nature park tt mathilde visited two days back). so sweet of claudia.

i guess i just got a bit dwn in the first place because i realised that all the exchange students i know have been travelling every week and none of them ever ask me if i wanna go. i'm trying not to think too much of this. maybe if i can make enough and if my french exams are early enough, i'll go to NYC by myself for two weeks before ling exam. i just thought of florence. maybe she'd like to go too. i'll ask.

i was doing some calculations today and if i'm not wrong, i've made about CA$456 so far frm work and work training. which is a pretty neat sum. i'm extremely proud of myself.

found good looking north indian food in the market today. opens till 10 everyday. {:o)

pics akan datang cos image-uploader is down. laundry now. then hmwk. got to work tmr. bring in the dough, sucker!

China all the way to New York
Maybe you got lost in Mexico
You're right next to me
I think that you can hear me
Funny how the distance learns to grow

Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
How can I when you build the great wall around you
In your eyes I saw the future together
But you just look away in the distance

I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance
I can feel the distance getting close


:: China - tori amos

:: 1000 Oceans - tori amos


These tears I've cried
I've cried a thousand oceans.
And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep,
Keep you from flying
And I would cry a thousand more
If that's what it takes to sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home


i'm in a tori amos mood. the words she sings, they make me feel nice. sleeps with butterflies is really nice. i wish i'd stop using the word nice so much. if i asked someone wat they thought of me and all they said was tt i was nice, i'd be pretty offended.


kat's hockey match last night. smelly cold air but nice rough game. rave on sat night after work. was a bit like a high school party with dance music and juveniles tripping on E. i liked wat i wore though. {:o)

been inundated with work. spent wed to sat, bout 30 hrs in all making coffee. but more importantly, i spent 30 hrs making MONEY. i get to practise my french a bit in a real setting so tt's pretty cool. someone gave me a $1.25 tip WOOHOO! but tt was after all us baristas had agreed to give the tips to charity. oh well, at least my charisma in customer service is gonna make someone's stomach fuller. can we assume the welfare organisation's are honest? two customers asked if my accent was australian. tt makes probably bout 10 pple who've asked me tt.

i don't think i really like him, but i could imagine good sex with him. {:oP TSK AmELiA! oh i just need to wax my fucking monster legs. but seriously, i'm attracted.

i called daddy friday night cos he had left me two voice msgs. (cheery voice)- hi melia, this is daddy again. ah.. i've been wanting to speak to you. how are you doing? write me an email or send me an sms... ok? er have you got enough money? you know... your draft, bank draft, has it been credited already? and pls make sure you get warm clothing ok? ... bye darling, bye, love you.

that really made me smile. and then i smiled even more in wonder, wondering how it's possible that hearing daddy's voice actually makes me happy. maybe cos i was happy hearing him happy. so i called daddy on fri night. he didn't sound terribly interested in anything i had to say. but then later he sounded a bit better when he told me bout jane's baby and the one month celebration. what's the baby's name? he didn't know the baby's name chuckle chuckle. oh, and then, grandpa moved out of the holland drive flat already and daddy got uncle chris to go back and get his stuff cos he wasn't free. orh ok. he wanted to go back and see granny's rm but grandpa had alreday given the keys back to hdb. sniffle. sniffle. sob sob sob SOB SOB. um um sniff gasp sniff.. sorry darling.. sob sob, ok you better go and sleep it's 2 something in the morning. gasp gasp gasp ok don't cry dad, i sniff sniff go with you nto visit granny when i come back ok? ok.... ok bye. bye dad... love you. ya bye darling love y- bye..


i'd never been sad in ottawa till then. i went down to get my clothes frm the dryer and tried not to cry. my eyes are red cos i'm just tired, i'd tell if anyone asked. came up, door open, i sang couting crows aloud while folding my clothes. i didn't know how to tell anyone. then kat came to say goodnight and i couldn't tahan anymore. i hugged her and busrt ito tears. then tyler and davin came and i got more hugs. and then eric came by later for my telephone guide and so i got another hug. i hadn't been that upset since the last time i spoke to lidong. and even now, when i think bout daddy crying and then apologising and me trying to swallow the tears, i feel them right behind my eyes and the tension in my neck and the pain welling up in my chest. i wish i could take the pain away from daddy's heart. i wish he didn't have to be so alone. i wish he didn't have to hide under a pile of office work just so he could take his mind off his dejected heart, his empty house, his forlorn self. if i didn't have a real father or real siblings and my mother died and my daughter hardly respected me and i lived all alone, i wouldn't feel very much like living. is it crazy to cry the way i'm crying now over this? oh god it makes me so upset. and i hate having to explain my red nose and eyes and my drole tête.

in happier news, i'm only working tmr evening this WHOLE week. wat a refreshing change. i'll have time to think, cook, eat, smoke, faire mes devoirs, and maybe even get more upset than i already am. we all need balance don't we. i realise i find comfort in cooking for pple i love. gratifying experiences give my life a lot of meaning.

we had a picnic today. well yesterday, actually.. since it's alreday 6am on monday morning. it was nice. had salmon, rice, two salads, nutella bread and chocolate cake. donis plucked some grass off the ground and smoked it. ugh smelt like an aussie bushfire.

jack has apparently deferred and might not even go back to uni cos he says he dislikes everything bout perth. i'm a bit saddened by this.

today we were in nathan's rm and his gf nikki(sp?) was there visiting as usual and i suddenly thought of the time lidong came to visit me in perth last yr and how i couldn't stop smiling when i saw him and how he couldn't stop looking at me too. that was nice, hey? i realise tt recently i've been ending qns with hey. i'm becoming more aussie in canada?? haha. ah apparently so.. some canadians i've met have told me i sound australian. i'm not sure what tt means but i'm guessing it's cos i pronounce some words the way aussies and british pronounce them because tt's just the way we do it in spore. and because not many canadians have met sporeans, they mistakenly think i talk like this only because i study in oz. so anyway, i had a nice thought of lidong and tt was a bit refreshing and nostalgic.

gotta sleep now. very badly. the weekend was nice and peaceful and quiet. most of it.

:: Little Room - the white stripes

"When you're in your little room and you're working on something good. But if it is really good, you're gonna need a bigger room and when you're in the bigger room, you might not know what to do; you might have to think of how you got started sitting in your little room. (scat scat scat)"


hmm.. what a strange little song.

:: Katie - missy higgins

this mornite was sublime. until the rest came back and realised they had left kat in hull. all was not well and isn't but will have to be, yes? when things turn this bad, how long will it be till they get better, if ever? i'm not going to shit myself worrying bout it, the same way i tried not to think of the possible trouble kat could find herself in. i instead attuned myself to the slightest sounds that reverberated dwn the hall, hoping it'd be her.

i wonder what heaven is like. i'm not especially excited to get there, no. i just wonder. in the same way i wonder what my children will look like or what the weather will be like in ottawa come october.

i'm having trouble deciding whether or not i'm really enjoying myself in ottawa. it's new, i guess. i'm worried. you know how in perth at the start of yr one, i was just meeting everyone and being friendly and all and then after a few weeks everyone starts subconsciously (or maybe consciously) deciding who they wanna be good friends with or hang out with more and eat lunch with and things like tt? it's not a bad thing, it's evolution i guess. anyway, the thing is, i'll only be here for 4 months. in this time, i will have to (not HAVE TO but i truly see this as imperative if i want to enjoy myself here) unconsciously/subconsciously/consciously decide who i like and who i don't like. if i were to emotionally and socially and mentally classify everything and everyone agreeable, i know i will leave here feeling extremely empty.

karin is back in london and this is the point i start to kill my stomach. had microwaved overkept mash and cornbeef for lunch. then took some of yesterday's salad and put it in half a wrap. something happened to the pinenuts and they were extremely bitter so i buang'd the the whole thing. so sayang. this doesn't spell good news for my stomach. can't afford to eat out but i can't afford to starve. i feel queasy with uncertainty and spoilt mash.

nathan was just here cos he just got home and his roomie was making out with some girl and he felt awkward to go in the room. poorthing hahah. i feel good though, tt he comes in and hangs out with me. makes me feel like i'm useful cos if my door weren't open, he'd have to sit round outside the rm and wait for ian to finish. this makes me think tt i need to feel useful to be happy. if i can't do anything for someone, i won't feel as close to them. i'm quite comfortable with this whole idea.

:: Across the Night - silverchair

i wihs i had prepared somethign for karin's bday. she's sleeping now. i'm so thankful she's here. shiok to ahve someone to shop with at the WHOLE of loeb's. we have to give montreal a miss i guess cos we're both down on cash and my bank draft will take 30 days to process. how crazy. everything here is shit expensive. food is probably kind of worth for the amount you get but if i cant finish it what's the use. la plupart de mes colocs c agreable, albeit understandably slightly juvenile.

i lost my uwa jumper and i'm pretty upset bout it. i hope it's at the jail hostel. i realy hope.

i've taken to speaking franglais. syntax class was pretty ok; shared my teddy grahams breakfast and made a few friends. and the two french elective lectures went etter than i expected. i understood most of it cept when the prof made jokes in jouale bout the way the french speak, and when other pple started answering qns with their crazy accents. one of the guys in my tt class stays in marchand too but i forgot his name.

le 2 septembre 2007, samedi, 6.30pm? :

:: Guess I'm Doing Fine – beck

how apt. oh well. it's one of those oh well days. got a headache- the kind you get from straining your eyes too much or squinting the whole day cos the sun is so glaring, because I did precisely that. I think I actually woke up with the headache cos my neck was in a funny position but all that, and carrying all the luggage round aggravated it.

thinking bout headaches makes my head ache even more. but it's really a consolation I guess; an excuse for myself to not go out and socialize and make friends to eat dinner with.

oh guess what? my neighbour donis- who I went to kacau just now bout calling card/ internet just invited me to have dinner with him and tim, another exchange guy who I already spoke to before on msn, thanks to facebook. so yay, I now have dinner settled and so the tv dinner I bought just now can hang in the freezer for another day.

then, as I sat down again, these three girls from upstairs came knocking, trying to make friends on my floor. how nice. sounds like something I'd do on a less painful day, in a hopeful situation.

it's not that i haven't been making any friends. I met steve and his mum at the airport while waiting for the pick-up and then got to know agathe on the pickup and ended up getting me a place at the jail hostel where she already had a place. I wonder if, to the strange French mind, we are like chummies since we hung out for together for some of the time we spent in jail. anyways, I gave her a hug before I got into the taxi to marchand just now and she and me we bisous'd.

in jail, I also met jenna who's in residence with me now, anne (exchange frm Sweden), sophie (qui fait un stage), linda (a nice middle-aged toronto lady on holiday) and anders (denmark), gaieton (belgium), Jeffrey (canada) and peter (oz) whom i shared the rm with on the first night. good thing I was moved to the normal cell the second night; it was too smelly, noisy and stuffy in the co-ed bunker.

last night me and agathe went to leblanc (the francophone residence) to look up yusra, a Toronto girl I met while looking for the stupid arts faculty office which is not even located in the arts building (how lame..). we ended up packing subway and watching Perfume with some leblanc pple till past midnight.

oh ya, I also met another exchange student andreas, with his gf at the international office. and then bumped into him again later at the tabaret.

and on the planes and in transit, ms kaypoh me also made conversation with bout 5 pple.

I think I speak to an extroadinary number of pple, more pple than anyone i know has spoken to. I guess this doesn't have any significance but nvm.

tmr, I have to go buy pots and pans and stuff and raw food to cook. my last rice meal was on ANA. the airline food was all quite good and as usual, I wacked everything on the tray. didn’t shit it all out till today man. maybe tt's why i've been feeling a bit crappy.

I hope I can make good friends here, as opposed to just acquaintances. i mean i still like talking to random pple but I need a few close friends. and cos I haven’t got my net set up, my alone-ness is so bloody glaring.

je vais me reposer sur mon lit pour quelques moments car j'ai encore le mal de la tête. à bientôt.


le 2 septembre 2007, samedi, 9.49pm :

{:o)))))))
dinner was really nice. green pea and tomato sauce paiella with fried sausages and sunny-side-up eggs. and interesting conversation with me floormates donis, andy and tim and nuno from upstairs. in between, drop-bys frm pple on our floor. also met the two girls frm third floor and the two French girls on my floor too. haha. i’m so pleased now- with everything.

oh and nuno reminds me so much of ali G but andy thinks we shouldn't tell him. haha I can’t stop laughing to myself. he’s quite cute lah. quite chav-like but cute haha.

oh my fuck. i can't believe i'm so fucking blur. i just realised i arrive in ottawa one day before my residence contract starts. this means i will be homeless for a night. well done, you! thank goodness i realised it just now (as opposed to any later).
as if i'm not worried enough... wait till mummy finds out man. haha. i've got the jitters now. never liked planes much, much less 24 hr journeys.

andrew hasn't gotten back to me bout meeting up yet.

i don't feel very optimistic bout life at the moment. i guess all my mopeyness is getting to me again. i could mope for half the world and it still wouldn't be enough for me. and it's not even pms.

is this a fucking joke? pls, come back when you have an opinion. tt's provided i haven't already fallen off the face of the earth, bored my retarded self deep into the ground or been weathered to bits by my own wintry affections. we don't have much time left, amelia.

oh no you don't care a bit you don't care a bit. just words, shouldn't hurt too much, hey?

:: Hide and Seek - imogen heap

i suddenly feel a bit embarrassed even though there's no one around. i'm just done sobbing from watching the end of Snow Falling on Cedars. not cos i don't get to feast my eyes on ethan hawke's hotness anymore but because i really felt so sad.

yesterday zehzeh was telling daddy bout the training course tt her company sent them all for (the pr company she's interning with). and i was listening half to her and half to the cheesy instrumental cd tt daddy put on in the car. instrumental version of dancing queen featuring the saxophone. reminded me of my orthodontist in orchard last time, and perhaps of a hotel lounge. and then i thought of miss swan in the gay bar. haha. then i thought of disco dancing and how i'd like to go for classes and maybe during the next holidays i can go learn with alex since he's the only guy i know now who's interested as well (interested in dance, not me).

then for some reason i remembered the time lidong and i tried to hide behind the letterboxes dwnstairs and make out but then some guy came along to check his mail and it was extremely awkward. such endearing memories. punctuated by the instrumental version of you were always on my mind (featuring what else but the saxophone). i thought to myself oh, willie nelson! hah cute old man with long grey hair and the lok-kok guitar. but then i realised i couldn't possibly know which rendition it was since it was a bloody instrumental. living confuses me sometimes. not so much life, i think. just living.

i know i'm the last place you wanna be right now. i miss you. i'm glad you seem to be having fun. it should be this way- fun. not the way it was with me.

i'll get used to this because i have no choice.

i miss regina. i miss when i'm sitting in my room staring at the screen and losing myself in hopelessness and then regina comes in and starts making herself comfortable in my room and suddenly i feel so calm, like everything's gonna be ok. feels a bit lonely here. and the future feels lonely too. i don't know why i'm so worried.

i'm doing the psalm for assumption tmr and i'm really anxious bout tt as well. something tells me i'm gonna screw up. something to do with skipping mass the past two weeks perhaps?

saw fabian online just now and and he gave me an 'update on campus and currie hall'. hah. two mornites ago, moaaz was just updating me on 'currie news'. hah. it's funny cos the thing is i never asked to be updated. anyhow, it feels oddly comforting.

sheena easton's almost over you played on winamp just now. aïe, mon coeur. but bleeding heart songs never fail to commiserate with bleeding hearts so it's this over stupid happy songs. but this next one is cute and not too happy. click HERE.

:: Be My Baby - vanessa paradis

:: I Don't Love You - my chemical romance

when i wake up in stifling stuffiness, my disposition gets equally stuffy. maybe it was the sex on the beach i had last night (hah. i meant for it to sound tt way because today i feel the need to amuse myself), or tt i'm having my period today or it's just my stuffed up mood, food today seems indifferent to me. usually they're friendly and say hallo, eat me. today is different. it looked more like art, fine art- strange and curious, and a bit too confusing to swallow.

daddy is organising a bbq tonight. mummy said we don't have to go and help him cos after al how much effort does a bbq require. tt really upset me cos i know and she knows bbqs require quite a bit of effort, the food prep and all. and wat made me feel worse was daddy had asked zehzeh and i last week to help him with all tt and we said ya ya ya. and mummy is just being mean because it's not easy to be kind ot someone you hate. nevertheless, it upset me and i sat there alone at the table, being the only one still eating, skilfully disguising my tears as part of my crankiness. then i observed the patterns the oil and black sauce made round the sunnysideup egg.

:: Shadow of the Day - linkin park


oh nice nice nice. very good. ah hah. thanks, alex. haha i realise tt sounded suggestive but it's the song lah, too shiok already. oh oh i like.


been feeling a restless and listless. but managed to make myself learn lisa loeb's stay. it's spposed to be really simple but i'm still really proud of myself. (i'm running out of things to be proud of, amelia.) now i just have to learn to coordinate singing and playing it at the same time. oh and the strumming pattern. you know lee and fabian said even though they're moving out, they'll still come back and sing/play with me next yr. tt's really flattering. like i'm some big shot everyone wants to collaborate with hah. feels good you know? a bit strange but feels good to know.

i want to try and make alex sing louder cos i know he can. he actually said he wants to sing this linkin park song and i really think he should. ah so exciting.

the girls (and a lot of other pple) are moving out of the hall (or thinking of moving out). i guess they all really thought i wouldn't want to move out so tt's why i'm not part of the plan. oh well. i'll be all grown up and able to make good friends on my own when i come back frm ottawa yes?

i was crossing out completed things frm my list of STUFF TO DO IN SPORE and i was very happy to find tt i'd done more than half the things. i'm not very good at goal-setting and -achieving so this is a big thing. i always say ya my only aim is to be happy. and even tt i can't do right sometimes. so this is good. anyways, here's wat's left:

> take hanson and shana out
> meet andrew
> meet nurul again, and camellia
> visit mama?
> shisha-ing
> club (poptart at butter factory again! mos, zouk mambo, home, maybe st james)
> eats...
-Swiss Baeckerei Cafe & Bistro
-chinatown bak chor mee
-athar
-toa payoh chai tow kway
-marine parade char kway teow / dim sum
-jln besar dim sum
-curry favor
-mos burger


ok maybe i can take the kids out to eat mos burger. duno what andrew can eat now..

the other day at karin's hse was the first time i actually sat dwn and drank for the sake of talking and drinking. i really like tt alize fruit liquor haha and the stuff karin made for dinner. new york is gonna be good right, karin? love you lots.

in the first place he doesn't care that much for u anymore.

im a big mess right now cos i'm hurting everywhere. i think it's just me. i care too much i love too much i fall too much i hurt too much i ask too much i say too much i think too much i feel too much i expect too much i cry too much i bother too much. i don't like playing the blame game but in the first place- in the first place, in the first place! fuck you lah "in the first place".

i feel like i'm running out of time. what are we going to do, amelia. we could die tonight. but then no one would buy tissues frm tt poor guy anymore. who's gonna help the old lady cross the rd? you think you're the only one out to help pple ah? the world will get on without you. why so geram? why so tearful? why so upset? why so stupid?

i'm really disappointed the cure didn't play letters to elise. i still can't believe it. drgh! the girl beside me was also shouting LETTERS TO ELISE! LETTERS TO ELISE! tsk should've brought me a big cardboard sign. oh well... bumped into tim wee with mark ngan and this other guy who looked very familiar (joshua's friend i think), and alex (cousin ray's bf) and lavi. karin bumped into her friend josephine and her italian bf simone haha. he's soo italian. the guitarist reminded me of uncle fester, and robert smith's pot belly.. tt was just funny. some annoying pushy pple in the crowd but it was good otherwise. cept tt they didn't play letters to elise...

poptart at the butter factory was still better though (and free too! hah). pretty nice place, a bit like home. in fact, i think i prefer their layout nicer than home's. last night was the first time i really enjoyed myself clubbing in a very very long while. all the events in perth and the last time we went to mos too, i couldn't really let go. but last night was really nice. happy happy. oh and some guy asked me if we wanted to have drinks with him and his friends. haha tt'd made me quite happy cos it's not everyday i get asked. not tt i'm dying to get asked or noticed but it's just flattering and i feel special haha.

curry favor and baybeats this weekend and staying at daddy's hse. watching mtv jus now.

:: Itu Kamu - estranged

timmy and kevin are forming a band covering n.e.r.d. and erykah badu -like stuff . i also want. ppfft. maybe not tt genre lah. i found an ad on audioreload: female vocalist needed for a band covering stuff frm six pence none the richer, toto, journey and the like. perfect! cept tt they didn't reply my sms. TSK.

i forgot to tell you tt joseph called me frm perth at noon the other day just to wish me happy birthday. other pple sent msgs. tt made me feel a bit bad for him.

i wanted to talk to iris bout something but she can't stop wingeing bout how she has no one to go to parties with.

just talked to lidong online. told him wat i was thinking bout the other day. how everytime i used to ask him where we were going or wat route we were going by, he'd brush me off and say "i know the way lah..." and then when we reach wherever, he's say something like "see we're here." like as if i didn't believe he knew the way. tt alwyas hurt me cos i never said i dind't trust him. i just wanted to know the way. the route is always shorter when you can anticipate it. you so clever you know the way, you cannot teach me so i can know is it? i was thinking bout this the other dya and i felt really sad tt he never understood how to get out of tt defensive mode to understand why i did the things i did.

and so i told him. it started off with him telling me he'd just joined tennis club and i lamented tt i never got to wtach him play tennis and tt i never really got to watch him do the things he enjoyed doing or to watch him enjoying himself. he replied tt i hated sports anyway and he always felt pressured to do well round me anyway. i was surprised tt up till now he still hadn't figured out tt i DON'T hate sports. i really enjoy badminton, and jogging and hassling other girls on the soccer pitch, and i always make it a point to watch the sea games and asian games and sometimes world cup too. i felt really misunderstood. i mean i don't even dislike sports. i said "you always assumed". maybe tt sounded antagonistic.

then i remembered wat i thought of the other day bout how he always thought i mistrusted him. so i told him everything. and he said "yeah so wat if we're talking about me, i'm not going to do anything about it cos u said its ur issue already, n i concur". (the other day i was telling him how i missed him and all but said i should solve it cos it's my own issue. that was my issue, yes, but this was soemthing else altogether but he didn't agree). then he said tt it was up to me if i didn't want to be his friend anymore. now tt made me upset. i didn't even mention anything like tt and i duno why he kept bringing it up. two or three times.

i told him and i said i'm just trying to realise tt if he was always going to be so defensive with pple, he wouldn't be able to see things frm a different view.

he: yes, the whole "i see the bigger picture" attitude... frankly, have u considered the reason y am so defensive is that u're so critical? that my mum is so critical. so i'm defensive ard both of u but not other ppl.. so who needs to change now?

why is it so difficult to make him understand? it's true i can be critical sometimes. but not when i'm asking him directions. not when i'm asking why he thinks some girl is cute. why doesn't he seem to see it? if i didn't care a shit bout him i think i wouldn't give a fuck wat he thought bout me. i wouldn't care if he thought i was mistrusting and unreasonably critical. i told you it was a fucking tragic story. i told you. and you know i don't just use words for no good reason. why am i so fucking upset. rgh. stop fucking crying.

i wonder how many pple realise tt often blogposts are not representative of the day in question.

:: Hell's Bells - the dandy warhols

i don't remember telling you, i felt a bit lonely and out of place at the start of last semester. oh wait this sounds familiar. i think i've mentioned it before.. ok anyways, every night or mornite i'd tell myself it'll probably go away when i wake up. well it didn't but i got used to it. i figured half way through tt it was good for me but i'm still deciding if i liked it. the other day i found i was actually worried i won't see many familiar faces come semester one, 09. i don't mind being a bit of a wanderer again. but i'll need at least one weekly dose of a regina to keep me sane i think. it'll all fall in place right? well it has to cos i have no choice anyway. it's either like tt or like tt (this philosophy has served me well for most parts of my life).

:: Roy's Toy - jeff beck

haha eh check it out! winamp is being so cheeky today. haha. hell's bells and roy's toy. so clever to rhyme, you are! what are the chances, hey?

i read just now tt rae said i make her feel like home (in perth). tt surprised me cos i never knew she felt like tt. i guess it's the same way regina makes me feel at home. maybe cos in the way regina reminds me a bit of zehzeh, i remind rae of her sister? like the way i'm all sporty (only applies to perth me) and a bit heck care? it's comforting to know i can make someone feel that way. if i can do tt without even trying does tt make me gifted?

haven't spoken to karin in a while. where you at, karin? i feel a bit bad.

zehzeh said let's go eat amk crab beehoon on thurs. and then mummy said why not bring melia to eat at tt french place? so i said ok let's go to tt french place. and then i realised thurs is my birthday and it all fell into place in my head. but then it shouldn't matter. it's just another day anyway.

lidong wants to major in peace and conflict studies. i was quite alarmed when he told me. i'm not exaggerating. i was alarmed. like worried kind. i told him i didn't think he'd be good at it. because i'm a critical bitch and because i felt pms-ly compelled to think aloud. and then he started getting a bit defensive-like. later i thought bout the way he reacted and wondered why he chose to tell me how i wasn't qualified to say tt instead of trying to explain to me his reasons for wanting to take tt major.

:: Starting Over Again - natalie cole

sometimes i wish i cared more for daddy's side of the family. more than i do, i.e.
but i never feel inclined to and it makes me sad. i guess daddy thinks i hate him and tt makes me feel bad inside as well.

my sprained ankle is looking very bruised and gross.

i fell dwn some stairs on wed. haha. i don't remember how many steps, 3 maybe? i'd just visited edmen at his new place and was walking to the interchange. what a klutz man.. it usually takes quite a bit of a fall for me to sprain my ankle since i'm double-jointed. this was the most painful sprain i'd ever had. couldn't even get up for five mins. mustve been a funny sight. i was sitting on the floor in a short skirt very unglamorously, wailing and edmen was standing over me trying to get me to stand up. then this indian aunty walked past with her husband and looked at me curiously: ... exercising ah? HAHAHAHAHAHA i didn't know whether to laugh or cry hahaha. No... fell down hahha oww haahaha- aaaah. wat a joke.

went for a trial at al dente at the esplanade on mon or tues. they made me stand outside the restaurant to play hostess. didn't like the job for several reasons. and i also find an ethical problem in promoting food tt i've never tried. just doesn't seem right. i've never imagined myself working in tt kind of naik atas restaurant anyway.

yesterday evening mummy said why don't i teach them some french words. so i limped round the hse sticking post-its on le mur, la porte, le miroir, la poule (the chicken mobile), la télé then listened in amusement and a bit of irritation throughout the night as mummy, uncle jeffrey and zehzeh massacred the given french lexicon.

still haven't booked my flight or applied for my visa. i'm soo not ready for canada. oh ya, i got the 3000 AUD bursary frm uw. yay for me.

where do tears go when you hold them back? after about two hrs of refusing to cry in public, the tide of tears i'd been holding back had mysteriously disappeared. but i suddenly felt really lightheaded and stoned. where did the tears go? will they become toxic and pollute my insides? do they flow back into a common pool of saltwater and find a way out through someone else's eyes? will they reappear, disguised as viscous nasal secretion? maybe they will lie dormant, and wait for the next time to reappear, crashing onto the floor in torrents.

i haven't had time to play guitar yet. blurgh.


stupid visa. gotta do it tmr. ugh. more like later today. got job interview/trial too at 5pm. bye

oh i forgot to tell you results. they came out on the 9th and i'm really pleased with them:

FREN2221 French Intellectuals & Literary History 68 CR
FREN3305 French Advanced I 83 HD
LING2201 Phonetics and Phonology 80 HD
LING2203 Language Variation and Change 78 D

CR= credit
D= distinction
HD= high distinction

woohoo!!! i hope i do ok in ottawa. i wonder if i'll end up dropping tt fifth unit. hope hope hope my french improves, never mind if i end up with a bit of a quebecois accent.

lidong came online just now. says he's settling in ok, bought a heater and all. sounds good. i'm happy for him. but now i know how it feels like to have someone leave you. aiyah. - i love you for sentimental reasons.

i've been sleeping after 6am. not healthy, you. ya i know.

yesterday (saturday) we had a damn good buffet dinner at Oscar's at conrad to celebrate zehzeh's graduation cos mummy and uncle jeffrey were staying there for their anniversary. $55 per person but very worth it. i think i wanna go again. haha.

saw dim sum dollies matinee show with karin today. it wasn't as good as the first one i saw but still good. emma yong's voice stood out the most. i should audition for some musical one day. i really want to try tt. anyways, pretty clever use of puns and chinese dialects and malay today but for those who didn't understand any of those languages, kesian diaorang cos the show wouldn't have been half as funny. ogt me some autographed merchandise too.

van houten chocolate powder, chocolate nougat cream and classic vanilla ice cream.

it's a good thing lidong's in queensland now tt we're not together. cos i just went to striP for a wax the other day and we both know i can't control myself with him. oh well. tough shit, amelia. haha.

zehzeh graduation this coming afternoon and she's still out playing mahjong. mummy and uncle jeffrey are celebrating their anniversary at conrad tonight. i'm thinking of not going to church again tmr. familiar smells, familiar pple, familiar feeling. ugh.

i need to buy my bloody ticket soon and apply for my bloody study permit. what a drag. i realised i spent almost 24 hrs since i got back trying to find a cheap ticket online. i'm not very good at this travelling thing i think. i need this i guess. it'll do me good yes?

did i tell you i don't have a job anymore? the manager said can can but then a week later he messages to say oh the boss said two mths is too short. tsk, well thanks for telling me after giving me false hopes and making me wait.. i was really annoyed and disappointed. just sent my resume to ben&jerry's. hopefully i'll get tt, and the one at cathay so i can watch some live music. 2 in 1.

ce que j'ai déjà fait ces vacances:
- regardé un dvd (curse of the golden flower)
- eu quelques repas japonaises
- vu un film au cinema (surf's up) et un francais a l'alliance (une affaire de goût)
- cherche un job (cherchant toujours)
- sorti avec lidong
- sorti avec karin et mes amis de currie hall
- allée esplanade pour regarder des musiciens
- acheté les tickets d'un spectacle (dim sum dollies)
- lu le journal (un peu)
- mangé a crystal jade
- fait beaucoup de shopping et des promenades
- rendezvous avec nurul et vien et les BCs

tous cela dans moins qu'une semaine. pas mal, amélia. ah oui, merci.

i got an mp3 player cos my 'qool' one spoilt during the essay week. new one's frm creative. and i purposely left the plastic wrap on cos i wnated to try to keep my things properly for once. but the bloody fucking plastic ended up scratching it rather than protecting it. i'm fukcing pissed with myself cos my two-day-old mp3 player looks a fucking yr old. very disappointed with you, amelia. stupid fucking idiot. i hate disappointing myself.

daddy called me yesterday to ask me to organise a family bbq. why don't you just ask zehzeh to do it? unlike her, i am actually looking for a bloody job. and i spend half my fucking time trying to find a cheap flight to save your money.

daddy told me the other day, my work is getting more and more stressful.. always so tired.
me: retire lah. (daddy is 60 next yr. he doesn't look it but yea he is)
daddy: no lah, i don't have enough savings how to retire.
me: zehzeh and i going to work next time what. you worry for what?
daddy: no lah, tt is your own money.

i am very disturbed. daddy is always like this. this is why he's always so unwilling to spend money on us. everything also complain too expensive. he only wants to save money for himself. for someone who earns 8k a month, i really don't see how you could have not enough money to retire. pple who earn much less cna do it, why cna't you. how much money you need then you happy? ya but i have to pay income tax and all. these things also need money. so? only you pay ah? everyone else no need to pay is it?

if you give or had given selflessly, i wouldn't hesitate to donate a third of my pay every month to your retirement fund. but you're so concerned with wanting to have a comfortable retirement, you don't even know how to share and to enjoy yourself. how sad is tt. if you suddenly die tmr, what use will all of this be? all for nothing; you wouldn't get to enjoy it. it's not tt i want your money. i just wish you weren't so self-ish.

daddy gave me 2000 AUD to put into my westpac acct as emergency money (hospital bills, watever) and i'm using tt money to collect interest. when i told him and i asked him if the 2000 was for me to keep, he was like huh... you want to keep it? fine then, i don't want your stupid money. keep it. if you told me you wanted to give it to pple who don't have enough to get by each month, i'd say take it. but if it's for your stupid retirement, then i feel insulted. it's not like i' so irresponsible tt i won't support you when you're hardup on cash. i'm not like you. i hate this. i hate myself. fucking mp3 player with all the scratches. i hate looking at it. if the scratches accumulated from use, i wouldn't hate it cos it'd remind me of how well it served me. now it's just ugly. i hate myself for trying so hard but screwing it up. fucking selfish father. i hate you for your the way you expect so much from us but give so little. i called back home when i reached daddy's hse the other day. then daddy said why you're with me also must call back to say you reached? like he was offended. she's my mother, she's worried for me. wat if the car had gotten into a car accident? you just think she doesn't trust you. you never think that she does it cos she loves me? stupid. maybe if you had been around more instead of wokring your butt off to save for your fucking retirement you'd understand how it's like to be a parent. why am so angry why am i so angry. i feel like killing someone.

haha i just realised, it's our first month break-up anniversary, lidong! haha. happy anniversary to us! HAHA. {:o)

met up with lidong thursday evening and we went to brewerkz. i had alredya warned him i was gonna hug and kiss him when i saw him at the mrt. i'm glad he hugged me back. had to keep reminding myself after tt tt he's not my bf anymore and to resist the urge to hold his hand or make out with him or be real manja and all. this is wat i worried most about in terms of getting used to us being just friends. (ya lah... i know, i'm always damn gatal and i need to control myself).

but the whole outing was just like all the other ones we've had over the past 2 yrs.. he said it himself too. only difference is tt we weren't holding hands or issing or cuddling. i wonder if he's still worried tt he doesn't know how to be my good friend. he's lost weight and he bought new specs. matt-silverish rectangular pair. looks good. tsk stop it amelia. you can't imagine how hard it was for me to control myself. i wanted so badly to hold his hand, snuggle my nose into his neck and whisper in his ear. cannot cannot cannot cannot. but his teeth are so cute. haha. i'm really happy we're at least on talking terms now.

moving on.. mummy zeh zeh and i went out today (i woke up in the MORNING!). we had lunch at komala's then mummy got me new sports shoes and a pair of crocs slippers cos the guy at feder sports said they're the only kind i can wear for good support other than birks. then we bought some more stuff two bras ($27) and one bag ($10),and then collected zehzeh's graduation gown hah. then later on i went shopping by myself. stuff i bought: 5 panties ($25), two pairs of plastic holey shoes ($28), three bags ($13), 3 sets of stickers ($3), one cool placemat ($2), lipgloss ($7). i love shopping cheap. so fulfilling. cept tt i found out my plastic shoes are half the price at peninsular. tsk. nvm i wouldn't have known.. and they might not have had my size there anyways.

oh i got a job you know, at my favourite jap curry place. the guy spposed to call me today (fri) to tell me when i can start training but he hasn't so erm oh well. hope i'll like waitressing cos since i have the job already i don't want to be hating it. hoep my friends come and visit and i don't screw up. hah. {:oP

tjia tjia's wedding tmr morning. i really should be sleeping. blurgh.

oh ya, i met up with nurul the other day. camelia spposed to come but she got stuck at work and rima has disappeared so erm, ya.

oh and there's a FUCKING huuuuuge ass cockroach in my rm. good thing i'm still sleping in zehzeh's rm. ugh i haaaaaaate cockroaches. i haaaaaaaaaaaate them.

:: Dirge - death in vegas

lidong has changed his friendster status to 'single'. i have this feeling he's been checking up on me to see when i'd change mine. and then as soon as i did after our not very nice conversation last mornite, he changed his too.

i dun believe i shud tolerate u as a fren or try to be one to u because i cant atm
a shard of honesty which u nv extended to me.

ouch. it wouldn't have been as painful if i felt it was true. noidontcareidontcareidontcareidontcare. i told him it was tragic. if not for him, then for me. idontcareidontcareidontcareidontcare. i'm not going to harp on it and take two stupid yrs to get over this. sodumbsodumbsodumbsodumb. i wonder how this is gonna work out for me. i still have a grey army shirt, one army singlet, the cambodia singlet and boxer shorts whihc i bought him and whihc he used to wear when he stayed over, his army cap, two of his baby photos, lots of pictures of us, the silver lizard pendant he gave me for our one-yr anniversary, ubiquitous crystal jade restaurants to remind me how often we'd eat there. roast chicken-duck porridge and beef horfun.

idontcareidontcareidontcaresodumbsodumbsodumbwhylikethatwhywhywhywhywhy

i don't think i want to speak to him till he's sorted out his own problems. i don't need to cry anymore. nomorenomorenomorenomore.


mummy is awake. time to sleep before she says soemthing. bye.

:: Because of You - ne-yo

back in spore. feels like i never left and i wonder why. cept for the fact that i have no bf now. no calls to expect. i don't know if i'll ever be ready to be back.

i spent the whole of last night (wed night and thurs morning) packing my rm and raes rm into my grey box. earlier in the night, i called ophe and nora over to eat krispy kremes and strawberries and cherry tomatoes. i realised i enjoyed the company. i hope it'll be this good when i go to ottawa. packed all through the mornite and then had brekfast with nora, a hungover ophe and neer. we were the only ones in the dining hall for bout half an hr and it was nice. why must good times be fleeting.

i'd been wanting to try and talk to lidong for a while but i figured i'd give him time to cool off or do watever he needs to. and then i've been busy with the exams and the roadtrip and the packing and i wasn't ready to try and vindicate myself again and get all emotional.

just talked to him online and we were back at the accusations. i don't think all this would've happened if we hadn't been so far apart physically. maybe i would've been able to understand better how he felt bout his mother thing and maybe he'd be able to explain to me better and i could've helped better or not seemed so pushy. i feel stupid to have been so rash. i guess everything just built up. i still don't get his whole accepting pple for who they are thing. it's not like he doesn't get angry when i throw a tantrum. but it's not his job to accept them, it's my job to change. this is wat we apparently can't agree on. tough shit.

one of my favourite songs now. for lidong..

:: If You Don't Mean It - dean geyer

i keep wishing i hadn't said i wanted out. i keep wishing it'd worked out happily ever after. it's better this way it's better this way it's better this way. i guess it doesn't matter how much i try to explain myself. he's not interested anymore in wat i have to say cos it makes no diff to him. at the same time i don't even know what i'm trying to prove with all this talking. it's not like i'm dying to patch up cos i don't think it's a good time right now. i feel extremely unclever, amelia. wish i knew the answers to his questions.


seems like the end of this sem, i've been hanging out a lot more with guys. duno why it is tt i've always liked hanging out with guys more. it makes me really happy too, having guy friends. i wonder why tt is. and i'm actually really proud of myself for having guy friends who regard me highly.

random things:

- i realised on the road trip tt alex can sing. when there's a note he can't reach in the song, he changes octaves easily. i'm impressed. still, he pisses me off with his non-stop talking. congratulations to him for being the first person i've actually told frankly to please shut up cos they talk too much. and now i can actually empathise with the pple who tell me to just sing instead of talk.

- cherrilyn, edmen, nora, ophe and i made muesli cookies at edmen's set the other day. i suggested it so i could get rid of the remaining muesli which i bought but decided i didn't like. the cookies turned out good. and the only person who didn't like them was neer. i'm really proud of myself not just for the success baking day but also for actually carrying out something intended to do.

- iris' 21st in jb on sat. i'm spposed to sing something cos i stupidly offered but i haven't thought of a song yet and i won't even have time to practise with the band. oh well. i actually really want to watch the spore vs msia and vs aust matches but i promised to go for iris'. plus i havent been to jb in a while so it'll be good. i hope we don't get attacked in jb if spore wins.

- zehzeh's bf sean seems nice enough.

- i was looking forward to watching movies and spending time with lidong. i hate myself for spoiling it. not doing very well for a smartypants uneverstudy student, amelia.

- i have to contact tony cos i promised to 'collaborate' with him. i'm not too enthusiastic bout singing rnb stuff but i'll try. it'll be good experience. now the problem is contacting him cos he never comes online or anything.

- janan's driving is very bad and shame on him for criticising my driving at the go-karting. he drives a car like i drove the go-kart. i'm thankful i came back frm the roadtrip in one piece. the best part prob was the train part. i never knew trains could be so fucking long. thankful also for alex's ipod and dan's itrip.

:: Big Girls Don't Cry - fergie

78% FOR MY FUCKING ESSAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! woohoOoOoOoOO! and 71% for my last french test!!
it feels so good to know all the pain wasn't for nothing and that despite feeling all fucked up and shitty inside tt week, i crapped out a fucking distinction. how come i always think my essays are shit when i read them before handing in? who gives a fuck now. ah-hah. fuck. tt's some good shit. to top off a feel-good exam. and i went grocery shopping with colin at broadway. new bath soap, new funny freshie friend, new brand of palak paneer, new feelings, new happy! makes me forget my swollen throat and pain wisdom tooth and lack of sleep. i think God should get some credit cos i asked him to let my exam go ok. thanks, God. {:oD


d'hier:

"i was sitting crosslegged on my bed hunched over my laptop today, listening to guy sebastian's angels brought me here on windows media player. after a while i stopped listening to the music cos i was mesmerised by the swirly electric visualisation thing. it was like a multicoloured blob of radiating pixels, with a line from the middle going round and round. it looked like a one-handed clock. i gawked at it and used my finger to follow it in the air in front of me and just doing that made me laugh.
i stepped out of myself and saw the way i laughed reminded me of arnie grape. and of the children i hung out with when mummy used to volunteer at margaret drive special sch. and a bit of jerald, one of the kids i taught in jan. and then i wondered why we had to put these kids in schs and teach them how to be more 'normal'. then i thought of how pple i know would react if they saw the way gawked and giggled at the things quite often when i'm alone. tt's not fair, i thought. why do i have to be normal like you if it means i have less fun?

then i felt bad bout the times i acted like all teacher-ish and told jerald to sit down and behave like the other kids instead of going off to the corner to mess round at the music corner or laugh excitedly to himself. wat a spoiler he must've thought me. it's not his fault his behaviour was 'disruptive'. and by this i dont mean 'it's not his fault he's born tt way'. i mean why should he be denied the sheer elation just because the rest of us don't know ourselves how to reach tt level of joy?

sometimes i wonder if my brain really went a bit awry when i had fits. it's really not tt i try to be different. i find myself acting like autistic sometimes and i don't even try, it comes naturally. maybe it's just idiosyncratic escapism. shouldn't be any different from an inclination to do sports or go on a holiday or binge, right?"




:: This Year's Love david gray

hi, can i be your friend?

can i stop feeling like you don't think so highly of me now?
can i hold you tight and say i wish we'd made it?
can i get to know you better the way you say i never did?
can i do it all without grimacing?


this couldn't have come at a worse time. nor a better time. just tt i have no time. but i'm thankful i can sing. i'm thankful i can multi-task. and i'm thankful for the distractions.

it's not that i haven't been happier than a month ago. en effet, i've been feeling lighter since the thursday before last and even lighter since the following monday. but when i'm alone, it comes back to me again and again and again. it bothers me that though you couldn't wait to see me and though we were supposed to talk bout it when i got back (you said so yourself), none of tt looks like it's gonna happen. can ideas and feelings just disappear like tt? poof. bye bye. adieu. how come i feel so uncomfortable? i'll call you ok? i hope you don't ignore me; i know you prefer to shut out things you don't like. (tt's your 'flaw', if you like. the one i won't pretend i can overlook). i wish you knew me better too.

so much for sleeping before 3.

it doesn't matter what or how much you do; pple only love you for who you are.


i think she's got it spot-on, edmen's mum. i don't think it's sad. i hate to sound annoyingly optimistic but it doesn't make me feel sad. it makes me feel like we (analogical 'we') could try to live our lives over again.
and i wonder what lidong is doing tonight.

it's 5.40 and even julian is not awake.


:: Hide and Seek - imogen heap

:: Tell Her Tonight - franz ferdinand

and this song too. he sent me this while we were talking online one night. {:o)

nap time. please, no more nightmares.

it doesn't feel right. saturday afternoon, i cried into my dinner. for once the asian university restaurant got my order right and it had to be the time that i screwed up. you can't have everything, amelia.

:: Wild Horses - tori amos

i thought i was doing ok but when im alone in my room, the pangs of regret grab at my insides. it feels wrong and it feels rash and i can't help but wonder if there was a better way to have solved it. it's a tragic story. i imagine lidong is feeling cheated. i wish i could say i loved him with all my heart all the time. i guess i don't have that same capacity i had at 17. it seems a shame to end a relationship via msn. just like that. so much quicker than when we started it.


this sounds stupid, but can we still be friends?
that's up to you.
what you mean? why's it up to me?
cos you're the one tt's always feeling
whether we're still friends also depends on you also what!
it doesn't matter lah. doesn't matter anymore. the sun is coming up. i'm tired, i want to go sleep. bye.
ok.. b-
--you have one thousand one hundred and 22 minuntes in this call.


i told him it was tragic, you know? and he said it didn't matter. yea, words never really did much for him. i don't understand his concept of flaws. i don't believe in loving pple and all their flaws. if you see something as a flaw, chances are you're going to have some contempt for it even if you try to love past it. and it will come back to haunt you, your contempt for these flaws you 'overlooked'. i tried to love him and i wanted to and i thought i could. i wish it didn't have to end like this. i don't feel like there's any closure and i know i'm gonna suffer for this in the longrun.

violent pornography and old sch hollywood remind me of lidong. together with amie. i wonder what reminds him of me. am i your motorcycle driveby, lidong?
i loved you lidong, and in the times i didn't, i tried. thanks for loving me.

i hate this. i hate this. i hate the way i'm just hanging here. i don't like where everything is going now.

en ce qui concerne le rapport, i'm just so tired. i thought maybe if i just concentrate on my work and get it done properly, there'd be at least one good thing to look forward to, one thing i can maybe anticipate. but even tt's not working. i don't like how i feel stuck. how long is it going to take me to think of a way out of this mire? i hate quitting. i hate asking for extensions cos i hate having to come up with lame excuses. i'm going to try again tmr with the essay.

:: Drive - ziggy marley

who's gonna drive me home tonight?


fais des beaux reves, he told me. improbable, i said. mais merci.

gosh i suck at this whole living thing.

:: Crying in the Rain - aha

i was gonna stop writing then this song came on. hah. last mornite, i lay in bed and thought i heard the echo of an ache in my heart. i closed my eyes but no tears came. la vide, c le pire.

sometimes i do or say things and then i feel bad. and it's usually when i'm all smug and feeling self-righteous and shit.

i don't know what i try to prove sometimes.

shana (12+) is in london visiting aunty peng and she was on msn. i asked her wat shes been u to. she replied "sightseeing... trying to have an accent"...

i was like "trying to have an accent"??? wth. hah. and then i tried to be helpful by providing reasons why she didnt have to or shouldn't "try to have an accent". ok, so i wasn't just trying to be helpful. i was also ranting and being a real anal bitch. i had to also add in how i hate it when sporeans try to do some stupid fake accent to impress duno who but end up being unintelligible to everyone. she said trying to fit in mah. so i told her: do you see any angmohs in singapore trying to speak like us? no. the scottish exchange students here dont try to speak aussie and neither do the americans or mauritians. and then she said that's true. and i felt so smug.

tt was all not so bad, till the nxt time she came online, and told me: you know, you're not photogenic at all (with ref to my new msn pic). i replied, and you are not really very tactful. and then she replied in what i imagined to be a very smart-ass tone: well i say what i need to say.

see i don't mind being told im not photogenic cos i'm not. but i fucking hate it when kids get all smartmouthed like that. so i tried to explain to her the beauty of euphemisms but to no avail. as a last resort, i gave the analogy of a very sensitive person being told she is fat and then consequently committing suicide. then you'd feel really bad, i told her, naively thinking to myself tt she'd finally gte my point.

but then she stopped talking to me altogether.
and then i felt bad. i thought bout what i said and i felt really bad. cos i knew that if i were her, i wouldn't talk to me anymore. or if i did talk to me, i'd do so with half the comfort level of before.

during the conversation, i remember i also remarked that she's just like her younger brother (whom she doesn't like very much)- never listen properly blablablah. and she made the :'( emoticon. but i just went on and on, my level of smugness boiling over slowly.

why is it my pr skills fail me sometimes? why am i so unforgiving and so fucking anal? how come i feel so listless? i remember the grudges i held against pple who spoke to me in tt smug way in secondary sch and i'm so afraid my cousin will never talk to me again. for all the talking tt i do, i only seem to be driving pple further away.

i feel like i have myself to blame for crap way i'm feeling bout lidong and me. it's probably firstly my fault for first talking to him and getting curious and getting his msn and blablablah.


...But who suffers more? edmen asked. The over-complicated one or the simple one?
The simpler one, i replied. He suffers without understanding the reasons why.


maybe ankit was right- i should not talk at all and just sing instead. which is a reasonable deal, since the latter seems to bring much more joy into this world.


:: Should I Leave - david charvet

:: Caramel - suzanne vega

today- well technically, yesterday- was a very unusual day. i woke up at 9.15... AM (!?!) and then went for 10am 2201 tute (*gasp*). and then i came back and spewed my milo brekky into the jamban then had er-hmm private french tuition (ah?!) with neer. then went for lunch (?? mais oui!). went for french intellectuals tute and then to 3305 for my second take on orals and i did ok (!sans blague!). then went to stcats to help daily settle accomodation for jane. then to hampden for tea sortof.

back at the hall, cherrilyn tells me dinner at 6. come 1815, the WHOLE (!!!) gin gang trots down to the dining hall. the WHOOOLE gin gang. even regina.


what an amazing and unbelievably productive day. very fulfilling. i guess it kindof wore off by evening, since i only just finished my 329-word essay (whhich is spposed to have 700 words) after more than 5 hrs mucking round in front of lapster, having a good late night talk with jack... and since it's already 6.13 and i'm not yet in bed.. not much hope of tt amazing day repeating itself. oh well. it felt great anyhow.

:: Blind - lifehouse

i'm addicted to this song. got it off fabian, who suggested i learn it so we can 'jam' it together. just for fun. how fun is tt!? just learning songs for fun.. i wish this was wat i came to uni for.

i wonder how come everyone's been saying i look like i'm on something. maybe not everyone.. so far it's just tom, jack and aaran d. hah anyways, i wish i was. for the fun of it and/or so i could properly justify my looking either stoned or high most of the time. i wonder what i'd be like on weed.

:: I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me - exposé

lidong's decided to go to uq instead. i really wanted to tell him he's being stupid to go just cos his friends will be there. and besides, i thought he chose anu cos of their pol sci units; are uqs units better to him now? but then i thought tt'd just make me sound like a total bitch. sometimes i wish we had more similar aspirations. i find myself holding our differences against him a lot. it's not his fault i guess but he has to realise there are more than two ways of looking at things.

i had a religious debate sortof with david the other day. he was doing tt christian thing. the thing where they insist tt only those who believe in jesus will go to heaven. in tt case, i told him, heaven can't be all it's made out to be, since half the pple i know won't be there. but then by christian theory, i probably wouldn't make it to heaven anyways so i shouldn't be so worried.

there's been lots of late night bonking upstairs. i feel our floor is missing out.

:: Mary - scissor sisters

i've contracted an ennui that i can't seem to shake off. where did this come from? it's reminiscent of tt jadedness nearly tt ate me up halfway through poly. i feel inclined to call this The Yr 2 Syndrome.


if you haven't already, do check this out: Sebab Saya Shotgun
cheesy, lame and quite the very power (tapi kalau kau tak faham melayu, then maybe not so funny). maybe i will invite them to sing this song at my void deck kawin. mm. thank you for sharing, ravi maan.