Monday, August 19, 2013

Some of the things that are overdue (and that i was close to giving up hope on receiving) finally arrived today. :)))))  Quite so happy.

i hope the one i love better does not disappoint.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

slightly less than 4 months ago, I went on a blind date. The food was so-so, the conversation was interesting for most part and even fun here and there. As we walked out, he said, "Now that I've paid for the meal, you must let me send you home."


I thought: "Wah good, saves me the long commute home-- But what retarded logic is that?"
I said: "No need lah... don't you live really far from me?"

But he gently insisted and I didn't refuse for more than 5 seconds. Since I let him pay, I also let him win. hah.

It was a nice long drive, he proved to be as funny as I hoped. I loved the way he seemed so calm.


it's hard to type any more. :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((.


FUCK. bloody hell. so emo.

Monday, July 01, 2013

goodbyehello

because time away from you will be good for me. for us- no, let me rephrase- because going as far from you and being as independent of you will be good for my mind and my heart. I will be doing my best to expect no messages, to not miss you, to be free to see whomever i want, to whomever i want baby.


for you, it will be no different. because it seems this goodfriendship, only one of us tries to take advantage of the times when we are both in the same country, which is not as often as i like. ours is the only ship that is adrift and without purpose. so much for being a sailor and a captain. :(

oh aren't expectations such terrible things to have.


so UK, you will have me and i will give myself to you. for i need to rid myself of this frustration of wasting time. Boarding time in 2 minutes. let's go, amelia.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

was feeling rather despondent just now. the idea of dropping it all - whatever I think we have and had - crushes me. but i was trying to convince myself that that would be the best move for me right now. for my sanity. and so i sang and i played tt patty smyth and don henley song. and cried it out and then i clicked around on youtube and wtf do i chance upon?-


CCB. WHY? WHY??!

JUST as i was beginning to successfully convince myself. could you make this any harder? seriously..

Monday, May 20, 2013

excuse me? excuse me.. i don't recall giving myself permission to fall in love. at least not this time and not this fast. i hope it's not because we were in bed together. wat was in the whisky you drank, baby? the alcohol that i tasted in your saliva?

these are dangerous times, yes they are. where so we go, my lovely?

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Tonight (this mornite) is a good example of why you should never tell men you're not a virgin unless you've already slept with them. now it's descending in a downward spiral. :'( 


I suddenly feel very dirty. I am not a sex hotline and I am not going to give you my picture so tt you can wank yourself silly. if I happen to be sleeping with you and you happen to have a picture of me and happen to want to wank off, then you're welcome by all means. but otherwise, NO. just because I am not the virgin mary doesn't mean I haven't got any dignity left. and I wish blogger would stop auto-correcting my small i's and underlining all the misspelt words. you are cramping my style, blogger-  please fuck off thank you very much.


why did it take me so long to say I am upset. i'm feeling so un-nice inside right now. I don't even think I wanna meet tmr anymore.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

it's scary and uncanny that after each relationship (or semblance of one), I find myself unconsciously assuming the characteristics of the last person who left me.

I am currently beginning to feel that being part of a sexual... "partnership" might be more favourable than actually committing anything more complicated/intanglible/breakable. sounds familiar?  it's not illogical: sex can hurt, but love can kill. and since pain is more lasting and gives me more of a high than I imagine death would, I will choose copulation over commitment.

but where does this leave the smitten other? what an unfortunate pickle to be in.

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

I always knew I had a violent and sadistic streak in me but i never realised till the other day that the idea of revenge excites me. it was after i had seen hannibal rising which i recorded on channel 5 some weeks ago. i felt such a high after the show, not unlike the one i felt after each episode of revenge.

i always marvel at how wise God is; gave me a penchant for masosadism, with vindictive and perverse tendencies, a procrastinating and lazy attitude, an impulsive personality juxtaposed with an wavering sense of rationale, conscience and empathy, a resourceful mind, a fear of heights, blood and pain, an allergy to almost every ingestible vice and an indecision and poor gross motor skills that would render any attempt at revenge fruitless. well done, You! never mind tt i constantly experience moments of dissonance.

how bout a catchy little song to wrap up this new epiphany:
 
shiok sendiri seh.

Monday, March 25, 2013

so many pieces in my mind; watch them go...

i was walking back home, my stomach full of kway teow goreng kerang, prata bomb and teh halia, when i suddenly remembered tt since many years ago, i've envisioned myself dying a hero, being killed while doing something courageous and worthwhile... like saving some kid from a speeding truck or something like tt. pain aside, i had decided tt if life is to be worth living, then death must be worth it to. i've come some way from there... now i think i wouldn't mind settling for in old age after a long fulfilling life of raising my progeny to become useful and compassionate beings with a strong sense of purpose and love for the world. still, i always contemplate how terrible it would be to die while falling down a flight of stairs, or slipping on my own spit or something lame like tt. very anti-climatic and i always imagine tt if i were to die like tt, as my soul floats up to a better place, i'd be cussing, extremely geram at the idea of my death being such an anticlimax.

i guess a full stomach and lone walks are good for these drawing out deep thoughts and ruminating. as i got nearer home, and just as i found myself swallowed by the shadows of overgrown mango trees and bathed in the steam rising through the drain gratings, i remembered tt when i was a kid, i used to dream of being robin, following batman on his villain-fighting adventures. my earliest memory of having these dreams was when i was 8. i had a coral-coloured quilt cover with a tiny white flower motif. mummy had bought the material and sewn the cover herself. i lay under it (on my side, always with my bolster behind me and touching my back (just to make sure i could not be attacked from behind), telling myself tt if i thought hard enough about being robin, it'd probably manifest in my dreams. and so tt's wat i did for the longest time. it only worked half the time. other times i'd have nightmares or no dreams at all.

back to tonight.. as i imbibed owl eyes, i wondered why i never wanted to be batman. and i guess it's cos there's something special about being a sidekick.. being able to don a colour-coordinated getup and save pple from evil, while not having to have any major action plan or actually attracting too much attention or getting an embarrassing amount of credit. and sidekicks never have to bear the responsibility of a superhero. and then i had an epiphany: i realised tt this could be why i always feel a curious yet comforting sense of empowerment when i sit in the front seat of a car, especially when the driver is male. it's like i'm reliving my dream of being robin. i guess it never happens with women drivers because their energy is different. i only feel tt strange sense of fulfilment and affinity with male drivers.

i don't think i was smiling to myself but i did feel such a wonderful sense of peace and pride at having made tt connection... so much so tt i felt compelled to write it out. i wonder how many other pple in this world get such a big kick out of walking home by themselves. i wonder how many pple ever let themselves in on this much of their own thoughts. i've figured by now tt the depth of thoughtfulness i have about life and the vividness of my memories is quite unique to myself but surely there must be someone out there who experiences such abstract epiphanies as i do and also sees the value of sharing them... (no?)

i feel better now. i feel better now.