i suddenly remember how i felt lying on my bed in currie hall, watching the specks of light dancing reflected off my mini discoballs that hung just under my spotlight above my bed; they were danced on the walls and on the ceiling, to the music in the background. the warm light filled the cold room and it was like me and the universe and a profound sadness and ecstacy all at once.

i wonder when i'll ever feel that way again. i wonder if it's because i am unfulfilled that i find myself hankering for times long gone. i wonder if anything good will come out of all this dreaming.


maybe i should become a nun. like a virgin, that's what i'd be.

say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?
say, do you wanna play for love,
do you wanna play for love?

the last few months of the year are always bittersweet for me. rainy - which i quite like - and chilly and windy enough for me to layer up and wear as many colours/patterns as i like in one getup. but it's lonely. oh, but wait- that's like nearly every day of my life for the last couple of years. lonely.  tough.

so i guess end of year is not tt special. the cold and the cloudiness makes my mind awake but leaves me wanting to hide under the covers, so that i am constantly and acutely aware that i have no one to get warm and toasty under the blanket with.


they say that you can't truly love someone and have them love you unless you know how to love yourself. i agree. but i am sick of loving just myself and not being loved by anybody else. and i certainly don't love my job enough to enjoy being fucked by it.

thank goodness i don't live in one of those places where it's cold and the days and nights are dark for half a year. i can't imagine feeling this deprived every single day for 6 straight months.

Reading some of old my posts, if i didn't know myself any better, i'd think i was a very sad person. it's probably cos my depressive staes of mind are just over-represented on this blog.

i haven't written anything really reflective for a long while. don't know if it's the time or energy that i'm lacking. perhaps a bit of both.

Why can't I dream
Why can't I dream
'Cause I know you care
And I know you care
I know you care
I know you care
I know it's always been there
:(

Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net via Allison on Pinterest

muah! ha! ha!

Can you help me... occupy my brain?

i find loneliness terribly frustrating sometimes. and i don't mean alone-ness. i'm fine with being alone, in fact sometimes i really enjoy in the time i get to spend with myself. but feeling lonely- with so many pple around- just gets me down. according to my pills, it should be about another week till pms.. so why the hell am i already feeling so despondent now??!

i feel like i'm lagging; the things i aspired to have for myself... nothing's transpired. especially not where i want things to happen. and it's happened for everyone else. and i don't know wat i can do to move forward, if anything at all. i'm not THAT bad, am i? {:o( wat makes this worse is knowing tt being this emo is only gonna make the things i want move further from me. wat am i to make of myself?

i have a lot of pple who love me. in fact i have at least 150, all of whom are under the age of 10 and who i'm sure would do anything i ask if i only smile at them. an ego-booster, no? children are better than men. but i want both. why cannot? it's hard to believe in yourself when the only men who've ever - at one point of time - loved you have turned out to be assholes, and the remaining bits of your love life sound like a record of unrequited love put on replay.

omg i'm wallowing again. i AM sick. of this.


"love songs don't leave you, but lovers often do."

i believe in the strength of faith. and i think that for kids growing up, learning how to put your faith in things you can't see or touch is a great life skill.

farhana's dad passed away yesterday. i wanted to be able to tell her it would all be all right. because it aalways has to be in the end. and if it's not, it's probably not the end. but i don't think now is a time she is ready to hear tt. i remember when my heart was broken and my friends told me everything would be fine, you're better without tt bastard anyway, you're so lucky this happened now instead of later. i knew at the back of my head tt they were telling the truth but tere was a part of me tt could not accept wat had been dealt to me. i needed time to get over my pain and believe wat i needed to believe, which was the truth. i hope for farhana tt the time for her to accept will come soon. for norisa too, whose dad passed away couple of day ago in some accident. i don't know the details and i feel bad i never went over to see her.

in the past 3 years, i've had about 10 of my friends' father or mother pass away. i've also attended about 10 weddings. i remember anticipating tt there would be a time when many of my friends are graduating, a time when all of them would be getting married or carving out their career, a time are getting married, a time when we would all be having kids [ya, me included. i guess i'm just lagging :( ], and then a time when we will all be dropping off to our permanent sleep one by one. but i never did imagine tt the time when many of my friends' parents would be dying early (all before 60). and i never imagined i'd be this worried for my own parents. somemore i've got three.

i've been worrying bout my own future. i guess i never thought things would be this way- the way they are now. and i'm not really sure i'm gonna like wat i'm gonna get. but i guess my resourcefulness always manages to help me find ways to appreciate my situation. it just bothers me tt i really don't know how my life's gonna turn out and if things will pan out. but nothing really is static, is it?

i'm so upset right now. but i feel so petty and stupid at the same time cos norisa's dad just passed away from an accident and here i am crying and being extremely vexed over a lunch gathering that is totally not working. why do pple have to be so fucking annoying.

it's ok. i'm going for confession tmr.

i can't sleep when i'm upset.

i've been feeling like God is playing some stupid joke on me and it's just not funny at all.

i'm beginning to have second thoughts about my decision to leave next year. it'll really hurt to have to leave my kids.

i feel like there's something missing in my life and there's a nagging feeling that it'll never come. i'm tired and i'm sick.

you want? haha.

when things were a little more exciting. when we'd get a little wild and a little wet. ok, i guess i could afford to be a little less conservative in my admissions.

:: I Want To Wake Up With You - boris gardiner

do you feel like tt too? stuck in a rut but just not having the energy to goad yourself out to just hope for something better than wat you think you want? i must try to get more sleep. exhaustion makes me depressed.

did you know tt i'm interested in chinese herbology? i think it's absolutely fascinating. but then again, many things fascinate me. ants, floating organisms in my eyes, clouds, raindrops rolling down the car window, among other random things.

sometimes i thing God is cruel in that he made me extroadinarily curious yet at the same time extroadinarily terrible at time-management. so i always seem to have too many things to do but too little time to do it all.

i will marry the man who can buy me time to do all i ever want to do in this world. dunno how he'd feel bout me though..

:: Trouble Sleeping - the perishers

i need to start catching some ants again. pretty anxious to get my ant farm going.


last night after jan's party, i went back home and i cried. someone had pushed me up against the open window frame and threatened to throw me out. it was some random friend of a friend of a friend. he was physically very big and definitely capable of doing what he had threatened to do. all because he was drunk and he didn't want me to change his music. i don't think i'd ever really feared for my life like that before. think i cried because was angry and wished i'd done more but then i guess i did all i could by clinging on to the nearest grill and then moving from the window when the coast was clear.

i drove a fair bit today. but i seriously think i'm not safe to have on the roads. within the span of one redlight, i daydreamt a whole dream-- i had fallen down and broken my arm while playing with s-boy and then was trying to decide who to call to send me to the hospital: yati, edric, hafiz, aunty june. i hadn't finished deciding when i came back to earth and realised i needed to start rolling again. being in a car makes me sleepy.

i love kenefe and other turkish sweets.

another beautiful dream tonight, pls. (baby, come to me.) how was it that it was so weird but so pleasant at the same time. haven't felt that way in a while.