Sunday, April 25, 2004

oh my pictures are gone again.

i was doing magazine layouts when suddenly, the morning crept up and spilled sunshine sauce into my window. my stomach was growling and my face was bloodless. 8 am, i crawled into bed and lay watching the dust particles float about in the light. tweet tweet said a feathered fucker. beautiful morning. now, i'm back in front of the computer staring at a page tt refuses to accomodate three reviews and a few pictures. i swear my ass will be as flat as a changi runway soon (if it already isn't).

when you have a 1219-long playlist, and it starts replaying songs, you know you've crossed tt line between... between- i duno wat. i cannot think anymore. andrew, for my birthday, i want tt beatles shirt you wore on monday. thanks.


on play: Honey and The Moon, Joseph Arthur

Friday, April 23, 2004


why are there so many dustbins?

Happiness is a Warm Gun (bang bang shoot shoot)

in 2 or 3 weeks, it'll be all over. with management presentation done, and featwrit due soon, and research and ad papers coming soon, i'm starting to feel really relieved. finally, a break! and in less than a mth, i'll be immersing my self in the doggish pompousness de la france.


things tt made me smile/giggle/guffaw/feel good this week:
- the way andrew asked me if jon was gay
- trying to pitch a health and wellness programme which includes a bar-top and pole-dancing episode; for MM presentation.
- running to radio class in the rain with nad
- jing asking me take a break and watch a movie with her next week (tt was really really sweet)
- wearing my own formal clothes round sch and looking really smart
- learning how to play and sing the Leonardo's Bride song
- MUSIC (as always)


i now wonder if subbing articles or designing the mag layout is harder. i think it doesnt matter - the one i'm doing will always seem worse. ah well. been seeing the silly s'pore idol audition thing on tv. hah, and i actually found myself considering it. i knw i've been telling pple i don't wanna be an idol; i duno, i guess i just wanna sing for pple. when i sing and then i see pple's faces break into a smile, i get this weird feeling. like i'm making pple happy but i don't understand why.

on Lonely Planet just now, ian wright visited memphis and there was this elvis fanatic whose hse actually doubles as an elvis shrine. he talked bout how his wife left him cos she couldn't cope with his elvis-ness, he even talks like elvis.
and i wondered to myself: wat would happen if one day, this man wakes up and realises tt he doesn't love elvis anymore. when all tt used to occupy his mind is gone, wat will be left? wat if one day, i wake up to discover my craving for life has left me. then i'd look out the window and spot it floating off into the clouds. wat will i do then? i think perhaps time will stop moving and i would have to take more than a moment to let it all sink in. i think this is the sort of thing pple should really be scared of.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

in church today, i was reading my bk when darren started talking to me. maybe cos he read my blog, but maybe not also. wat's impt is tt i realised tt no one's gonna talk to me if i've got my face buried in my book and/or constantly look as sulky/stoned as i've been lately. anyway, stuart went back to melbourne today. i smsed him a bye bye, take care but he didn't reply. oh well. went to the airport with denise after practice and stuffed our faces with coffeebean watnots. yum.
it was a very horrible first half of the week. now it's better but not good yet.

i've been dreading going to church for the past few weeks. it's cos i find tt no one really talks to me there anymore. it's weird tt i'm saying this cos i'm not sure why i bother. i guess i'm so used to having pple to talk to tt now tt antonia's in nz, debra macam not in choir anymore, and denise and ian are like best buddies, i suddenly find myself feeling quite alone. of course, there's michelle and jason and all but they've got their own cliques and stuff. i don't wanna talk to the older pple like aunty june and aunty grace and jaslyn all. they think i'm just some sweet talented girl and they treat me so proper i to hate it. playing with baby sam gets boring and is very tiring. the only person whom i can think of who actually really likes to hang out with me is ethel. she's 10 and she's funny and she's not bratty. so i guess tt's the only thing tt doesn't suck. maybe it's not tt pple don't wana talk me. but i guess i've just been round for so long tt i've kindof melted into the whole picture, like a piece of furniture or something; or maybe i've passed my expiry date already.

i know it's an irony tt i complain i've no one to talk to in church; aren't i sppose to talk to God? oh tainted little amelia, i really don't know.

why is it i feel myself becoming less confident and more insecure since the past few weeks (or months?)? i'm slowly breaking into pieces. see me floating, floating, away...

today i suddenly found tt i like the song Even When I'm Sleeping, by Leonardo's Bride (karin sent me last time). so i listened to it a lot and a lot of times. i always get like tt - wake up one day and suddenly fall in love with something i've never noticed before. like the time i suddenly realised maybe i didnt hate tofu so much. and the time i suddenly fell in love with tt skid row song. like tt.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

i had a dream last night. you walked past the classroom and i called out to you frm inside. you seemed happy to see me. i rushed out to the window and we talked through the louvres for a while, before you came inside to sit across me at a table. we talked about happy things and you took my hands in yours. now tt i think bout it, i wonder how many times i've actually seen you so happy.


i'm feeling so wasted right now. remind me never to be so yaya as to stay up and burn midnight oil. when i woke up an hour ago, my back ached, i was still feverish and i still had tt queasy feeling in my stomach.

on play: Crazy Doctor, The Loudness

wah this is good stuff man. hah. shiok, this song. wat should i have for lunch?

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Easter. pretty painted eggs. good food. family. maybe fun.


so we're back here - yet another shit-early work session; staring at the flatscreen; trying to rush projects; trying to ignore the rumble in my tummy.

sometimes we need to ask questions which are not actually urgent but are just screaming to be answered. they don't genuinely want to be answered, really. they're just being bratty, these questions. Are madonna condoms really commissioned by the singer herself? Why is the easter bunny always white? Why is A at the end of omega? so is this how the world really goes: abcdefghijklmnomegabcdefghijklmnomegabcd... and so on?



just a moment ago, i was wishing for someone i could sing a song for, someone i could hold close to me and call baby. all this love (and some angst) and no outlet. the build-up is causing me discomfort.

i get a deja vu feeling when i hope tt the mere coming of the new semester in june will inject a little excitement in my pathetic (non)life. wasn't this the case last sem? oh well... there had to be some truth in my omegA theory, right?

Friday, April 09, 2004

just got off the phone with daddy. he got upset when i told him i'd already handed in the cheque for my french trip. $2790. i told him tt he pay half then uncle jeffrey pay he other half. then he got even more upset.

he said: Why is uncle jeffrey paying?

i said: cos, you stupid fucker, you couldn't stop complaining when i told you tt it costs $2790, and you implied tt you didn't wanna pay. and besides, i already told you tt you'd pay half and i'd get uncle jeffrey and mummy to settle the rest.

(ok fine, so i didn't say tt first sentence. but i wish i could have.)

he said : *long pause to indicate his agitation* i thought you said mummy was paying half?

-rgh. mummy doesn't fucking work, you idiot. obviously if she pays, it'd have to be out of a joint pool of money tt she has with uncle jeffrey. so wake up your idea lah. besides, uncle jeffrey has been more like a father to me than you ever have. you don't know how much it hurts me to say this.
i forgot to tell you tt stuart is back. i spoke to ape-boy yesterday. halfway through, he was recalled to go put out a fire. then he came back. just now during dinner, i looked at kenny and suddenly realised tt he and apeboy had similar features. hmm - no surprise i guess, since i used to have a thing for the former. how amusing.

thursday, i didn't feel like talking to either karin or roger. i was still pissed frm the night before. during radio, i did talk a bit to karin. she later said something tt pissed me off; for some reason, i managed to let it slip by. i wonder wat karin will think when she reads tt i said to go to hell. i wil not take back wat i said and i hope she understands why. karin used to tell me tt all her good friends never lasted and i'd tell her i'll be the one to be different - i won't fall out with her just like tt. i won't. i just needed her to know how i felt this time.

Happy(?) Good Friday. i almost killed my knees with all tt standing and kneeling and standing and kneeling in church just now, but it's ok.

i've recently been inundated with all the work (but i still have time to blog with big words. good for me hah). i took a break frm my non-work and visited jillian's blog after a long while; from there, i went to ryan rodrigues' blog; then i got to richard's (some fsv guy), then to deny's and vivienna's (some ex-sjc girl frm my IS-FP class last sem whom karol and i happen to find quite hot). frm vivienna's to tristan's to melissa's (the albino fsv girl whom i know frm church). on this my first almost exhaustive blog escapade, i see the random blogs of friends, acquaintances, and some other pple whom i know but who probably don't know me; shawn, charlene sheperdson, her bf justin, matt teo, joy, sri (frm softball in yr1), amin, marcus wee, nicole mok...

halfway through surfing, i suddenly realised tt it was probably with real ease tt stuart found my blog.
it's hard to describe the feeling i get when i surf through pple's blogs. i'm surprised at the enthusiasm with which i delve into pple's lives; clicking on links to their photo albums, seeing how their gfs/bfs look like, who they hang out with, wat music they like, mentally subbing their blog entries... now i'm imagining how pple who blogsurf reach my blog and go Alamak, why so spoiler lah this blog - got no links to other blogs tsk. ... and it's suddenly funny haha.

taking my Life After God back frm pam was definitely one of the best decisions of the yr. i have a bunch of pple queueing to borrow tt bk frm me, but i'm not gona lend it out till i've read it again. and again. and maybe again.

BOOKS i've lent out:
Laughable Loves Milan Kundera (andrew)
A Clockwork Orange Anthony Burgess (faz/nad)
The Little Prince Antoine Saint-Exupery (karin)
Lizard Banana Yoshimoto (isaac)

DVDs i've lent out:
City of God (nad)

i've been wanting to count how many clothes i have in my wardrobe just for fun. not tonight.

one day, i want to invite a lot of pple over to my rm. then i'll turn the music up and we'll dance the night away. when we've danced and pranced to a high and finally get tired, we'll throw ourselves on the bed (and/or the sofa bed) and close our eyes and revel in our euphoric states (or... we could have a gang bang haha, but i reckon tt would be totally anti-climatic and a logistic mess literally; so let's just stick to the first idea).

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

i just noticed a red patch on my arm. it's swollen and numb. it's not a bite. i think it is a saturation of negative emotion tt is trying to escape my body. i may die tonight. before i go i wnat to tell karin and her tactless fuckhead of a boyfriend to go to hell.

i would kill myself if only i hadn't repented for my suicidal thoughts yesterday at penitential service. i may die tonight. the lump on my arm is worrying me.

liy is the first person to make me laugh since just now. thanks liy. and isaac's ano-rock-sia joke too.

i sat in the cab and cried and cried. i'm angry more than i am tired. for the hundredth time i thought bout wat would happen if i brought a knife to school and stabbed pple who pissed me off. then i remembered tt yesterday i had spent more than an hr queueing up to confess my sins (none of which were lenial) and how the priest let me off with a light penance and i cried somemore. i thought bout how i could just open the door of the cab and throw myself out and let my ad grp members go figure the rest of the project without me. now, i'm surprised tt i can recall many times when i felt like flinging myself out a window. i think the swell on my arm might be a self-inflicted injury; sometimes when i'm not in a stable frame of mind i forcefully hurt myself without knowing it. i'm getting too dangerous for myself.

now i am emotionally loaded and i cannot start work. i'm far frm holy but i will not have anyone disrespect God at my expense. i never blame pple's incompetence on their religion and i fucking hate it when pple do tt to me.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

The World is a Bad Sale: of a troubled saturday

i walked frm paragon, crossed the rd to take mrt frm orchard. then i saw her outside taka, in a pale yellow shirt and a light blue drawstring pants with a huge brown stain on it. said i: scuse me you have a stain on your pants. said she: i don't have a change of clothes. she didn't seem to have much or know much. took her to the toilet, gave her a pad. thne i took my jacket and wrapped it round her waist to cover the stain. it was then tt i realised she looked pregnant (bout 5-6 mths). are you pregnant? i asked. she didn't know, she said. she didn't seem to know if she was feeling all right either; she obviously needed help.

- maybe you need to see doctor.
- can you come with me?

took her to mt.E hospital. on the way, got some info out of her (she muttered and she seemed to ignore my qns unless i repeated them at least twice; she also occasionally smiled to herself like she was tripped out). alena... toh tuck rd... duno where she's going... duno where she came frm.

i've never liked mt.E, and taking mentally-challenged strangers to hospitals isn't exactly my daily past-time so by the time i got to the A&E ward, i was so nervous and frustrated, tears were forming in my eyes. i sat her in front of the tv and explained the case to the nurses. they suggested taking her to a GP or something since she had no money to pay and mt.E is a private hospital (this i feel is fucking lame shit. so if i go to mt.E with a mangled hand dangling off my wrist but i have no money, maybe i should conveniently hail a cab and go to the nearest GP. such good sense this all makes...). they said the bill would be $100-200. i said i'd pay. ok, they said and set to work getting her particulars.

amid her pressure- and temperature-taking and the urine test, i managed to squeeze more out of her: her mother kicked her out of the hse and she need a place to stay.

- Can i stay with you?
- erm... no you can't. you have to let the doctors check to see if you're all right ok? er... so, erm no.

then she later turns to me, asking for dr kok frm gleneagles. she needs to get her psychiatric medicine she says. she's crazy, she adds. (shoot me if i hadn't noticed this last bit by then)

what hospital is this? i want to go to gleneagles now. i don't think i want to see for my pregnancy; i want to check for my legs. i cannot walk. [at this point, i would have liked to ask her if she could not walk, how does she think she ended up at the hospital? flew there? but i figured asking this would be a mockery of her state so i kept it shut]

then later, sitting there watching the tv, she grins crazily to herself, looks at me and says: i don't think i'm pregnant anymore

Anymore?! wat the fuck?! so, apparently, she gave birth yesterday and the baby is at NUH now. this just totally threw me off. like HUH? then a doctor finally comes to check her, while the nurses call her house.

in a while, she gets off the wheelchair and walks out of the hospital, while this paranoid emo-kid who is me chases after her all the way to outside of the hospital, trying to get her stay till her brother got there. but no, she'd have none of it. for her, it was gleneagles and dr kok, or nothing. i walked back alone to the hospital and told the staff wat was up. and they told me wat was up:

She isn't pregnant. she didn't give birth yesterday. it wasn't internal bleeding; just her damn period. crazy pple like tt can't be helped. we need to photocopy your IC for a record and we'll wait for her brother to come foot the bill.

the doctor chuckled as he took my particulars and wrote down GOOD SAMARITAN next to my name. i'd have liked to chuckle along but the whole 1 and half hrs had left me traumatised.

off i went, to church, in a cab. the driver was rude to me and this upset me further.

i wondered to myself if anyone would've done wat i did. i wouldn't let alena walk round with a stain on her pants and no real knowledge of where she was going, what she was doing. i didn't wnat to give cruel anybodys a chance to make fun of or take advantage of her. but then i began to think: maybe pple don't actually give a shit - they'd laugh and stare at her as they go past, tell it to their friends, then later forget it all happened. see, no harm done. if this presumption is true, then this just makes me the dramatic idiot who upsets the natural balance of good/bad incidents tt occur around us. well, tough shit, amelia.

Friday, April 02, 2004

on play for the 100th time: I'm Sorry, Sweetness in Personification

dwnlded off uncle party's blog. nice song; local grp i think. ask me for the reference or for the song. sweet.