compliments of the season.

oh... i remember this time last yr. i was bitching bout why we couldn't just say merry belated christmas instead of compliments of the season.

my christmas wish came true this yr- thanks, cheryl.

so bf ( <---- BF! not ex-bf! {:oD )and i have a lot of semantic problems. this is not new, of course. it's frustrating we have such different minds but at least we have a few things in common; among them - we both think i'm crazy, needy and slightly twisted, we also both know i have an anger management problem, and we both have to explain ourselves two or more times to each other in conversations just to run out the semantic kinks, we both think too much, we alos love food, and lastly,he is as different to me as i am to him. PERFECT. all we need is to strike a balance.

it was almost the perfect break-up too: christmas day, lots of crying, lots of rain (for added dramatic effect). i remember crossing the bridge to the fullerton and the drizzle starting to annoy me and wishing for myself to be hit by a stray bullets frm a drive-by shooting (wtf!?). i think i really freaked out the girl beside me at 12.30 mass with the excessive and displaced noseblowing. and then there was the taxi driver who had to tahan my bawling from outside fullerton all the way to tampines. i think wat really bewildered him was my waahhhh uh-huhk... uh-huhk boo hoo *sniff sniff* ... merry.. christmas, uncle.. waaaahhhh.. as i got out of the cab. haha you should've seen his face, man. poorthing.

lidong and amelia are back with a vengeance! MUAH-HA-HAHA-HA!!

:: Lost Without Your Love - bread

Merry Christmas.

your job this coming new year is to cherish what you have.

You don't realise how much you care for someone until they stop caring for you. don't be reckless with other people's hearts and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours - pamelia's msn nickname. i know.. you've probably heard this before and go like oh quit being corny. but it couldn't come at a better time huh. the birthday boy is pretty good with scripts and cues, it seems. even the bread song was right on time on the radio. kudos, Jesus.

two weeks ago at the choir 'retreat', we talked bout patience. 'i'm too impatient with my bf, my sister, my father. it's always harder to be patient with those closest to you. i guess it's cos you expect them to know you better.' then i said a little prayer, asking God to help me with this patience thing.

i'm not implying tt God's just not being helpful. i guess it's just me. when will i ever learn? i'm lucky most of the pple i'm impatient with are family. at least they can't leave me even if they wanted to.

i've been wondering all day if what lidong said last night was true. if i didn't give a shit, how could we have lasted this long. i guess it's true that i've been taking more than giving. i won't deny not giving my all sometimes. i've been riding for free on this feel-good sensation. it's really a bit like tt movie the last kiss huh? you want me and i, well i just don't know what i want. or maybe, all i want is all i don't know.

it's not fair. how come i only get one life?

it would be very romantic to say to you now 'i've been thinking about you the whole day, since you told me last night that you wanted out, and i've been wanting to tell you i love you to bits and this is all just a misunderstanding; i'll love you for ever and ever and this will never happen again'. but i'm not a good liar and i'm an even worse catholic. not forgetting, i'm feeling like i'm the worst girlfriend in the world already; no need to prove anything more by lying.

the truth is i've been thinking about you. and me. and us. not in a cohesive, comprehensible manner. it's just all floating in my head and i can't make sense of any of it. and i've been trying all day to think of a string of happy times we've had together. why is it these things elude me? i'm sure we've shared more than a few good times, not even counting times we 'made love'. you always knew we wouldn't work huh? i kind of suspected too but i don't regret anything. we tried right? well, you tried.

the irony is tt i've been warning myself; keep this up and you're gonna lose him. stupid bitch, amelia.

it's 12.48am and now that the asian games is over, i have no more mornite routine.

zehzeh is in new zealand and sera went back to jb for the break so it's just me. and the room. me and the room. it feels like in perth. little disco balls, small tungsten bulbs, homely bedcovers, me laptop, some good music and a sprinkling of procrastination. nostalgia won't leave me alone.

i wanted to go out tonight, club or something. you know, just hang out. is there anyone who doesn't wonder about the future? it scares me sometimes to know that i don't have anything to do tomorrow. and the next tomorrow. and tomorrow of that tomorrow.

the burger king at the old Pavilion is gone. i remember sitting there ruminating over one of those new burgers while cheesy pop lovesongs made the air around me seem a little more familiar. tt was a good meal.

i keep thinking there's something i should be doing (online, i mean). like isn't there someone i should be talking to? isn't there soemthing i should be reading? if i had to live with this feeling for ever, i'd grow so tired.

:: Complainte de la Butte - rufus wainwright

i got a job sortof. frm the classifieds. partially blind man needs transcriber. i know this doesn't sound like it's got much to do with lunguistics or french (which was criterion#1) but i guess it sounded interesting enough. i'm really looking for life experience, not so much job experience so i guess it'll do. though i realise now tt my "partially blind" man might very well turn out to be a sex predator on the prowl for young flesh.. erm. but i'll get someone to follow me lah.

i'm glad my parents have a sense of humour. they took pics of lidong and i with baby ben yesterday and then mummy said, you can show to lidong's mother and then she won't wonder anymore why you've been putting on weight lately. HAHAHAA.

uncle jeffrey: ya ya! then she will say 'no wonder we never see amelia for so long'! HAHAHAHA.

other pple in the room: HAHAHAHAHA

later lidong told me, wah your mother laughed so loud just now.
me: funny, wat.. haha. i love my parents.


:: Paracetamoxtfrusebendroneomycin - amateur transplants

can the cats downstairs PLEASE stop fucking round? meemee-meeowmeeow uGH. please, make it stop!

karin is back!!

i, on the other hand, have been back for bout a month and still don't have a job. blurgh. but i'm being really picky and passive bout this jobsearching so it's kind of my fault.

since the last time i was back, we got new channels on scv (i still call it scv), cincluding TV5Monde and some deutsche and chinese channels. this is good, cos now i can practice listening to french everyday without moving my ass frm the sofa. haha.

another thing is tt mama has moved into my room (so technically it's not mine anymore) and zehzeh, sera and i share zehzeh's rm (technically not hers anymore); it looks like a dormitory.. haha 3 single beds side by side with 3 matching dressing tables in front. thank God for big hdb bedrooms (as opposed to condo bedrms).

the other day mama was watching some cantonese talkshow on the living rm tv and i just sat there trying to guess what was going on. then mama said i could change channel so i switched to le journal on tvmonde5 and then it was her turn to sit there and figure out the news. i just thought that whole incident was quite cute.

i never realised this until elaine (cousin frm london) mentioned it the last time we were in singapore at the same time: at the dinner table you can hear more than 2 languages being spoken at the same time. mummy speaks to mama in hokkien and mama speaks to uncle jeffrey in malay, and zehzeh and i speak english to mummy and uncle jeffrey and broken mandarin to mama. sera speaks to us in english but to mama in cantonese. seriously, how many places in the world can you do this? maybe it's just the language craze in me, but i really really like being round so many languages and understanding most of them; i think it's so enriching. i guess we all kindof take it for granted here.

you know, i haven't listened to my winamp since i got back. cos now i have no room and therefore nowhere to plug in my speakers so tt it won't disturb anyone.

ive got some sort of allergy since i got back. some sinus thing. ugh stupid nose.

Ça fait longtemps. à peu près un mois, je crois.

:: Hurt - nine inch nails

went for a job interview yesterday at some student care centre. min $9/hr please, i said. something tells me three months isn't going to be too long.

i feel like being alone, sitting in a park alone and not having to talk. i havent had a good pensive moment in a long while.

this was what i was thinking bout while sitting on the couch with daddy at his place and he started his hand tic (abruptly hitting the sofa every now and then): pple who are alone for too long begin to lose a sense of self (soi-même, c'est-à-dire). if there is no other, then there is no longer the need to establish oneself, non? sporadic social interaction becomes a conscious task mediated by memories of previous interactions and the only person you're comfortable with is yourself, despite the intrapersonal reproach.


i wish it didn't take me so much effort to be interested in daddy's life. he sounded like he was gonna cry when i told declined his invitation to a movie yesterday afternoon. the thought of giving someone a second chance is cute and rosy but really doing it is bit far out of the way. maybe not if i wasn't so fucking lazy.

i have to start making some money soon if i don't want to be broke before the year is out. but staying home doing nothing has done good for old memories. ok this sounds really silly but the smell of tea tree oil and moonflower and pimple lotion and freshly-washed-but-not-yet-dry laundry reminds me of a previous relationship. feels good.. reliving tt naive adolescent excitement and glee. makes me feel giggly and silly but happy at the same time. really hot diluted milo reminds me of my pri school tuckshop. the smell of a haze reminds me of 1997, when i used to think it was a fresh smell. paint smell reminds me of our place in bedok, when mummy repainted our room and we had to move our beds outside to the hall and i peed in my bed. spray-paint smell reminds me of tt aep camp we had in sec 2 where we had to make giant shoes out of anything we could find. dynamo smells of the times our yellow washing machine didn't have a dryer function and mummy had to take out the clothes dripping wet piece by piece to wring them dry by hand.

:: Cry - mandy moore

ah this song. still smells of innocence to me. mine i.e.

was just reading the blog of a current np mcmer (who happens to be an ij junior too but whom i don't know personally) and suddenly i'm feeling all nostalgic for those np times when we just sat round and lepakd. just sitting and sitting...
which is actually what i'm doing right now- sitting on my flat ass and killing my butt nerves and growing more boils near my anus- but somehow nothing feels shiok the way it used to. or i could be just romanticising those days and deluding myself. ah yes.

:: Penny Lane - the beatles

i really need to be studying right now... but i wanna go to the old tv studio and sleep on the couch. or don my overalls (which can no longer fit into) and sit outside the darkroom and watch the sunset.

damn my stupid laptop for crashing and making me lose my pictures and my portfolio frm yr3. good thing i put the darkroom ones on imagestation.

don't you feel that when i tell you things, i'm telling you more bout me? i'm not boasting bout my reflexivity and i'm not just trying to make you understand my point. i just wanna share. but you don't get it. maybe tt's why you're not interested. and then you worry we'll have nothing to talk bout next time.

or maybe i talk too much so it seems to you tt all i say is superfluous. it's frustrating and disconcerting for me to realise suddenly that despite telling you all that's on my mind, you might not feel we're any closer than we were before this. you have to put a plug in it cos it's all just jibberjabber to you. that's wat you don't get.


:: Fake Plastic Trees - radiohead

j'ai gagné un prix, tout le monde! je ne pourrais pas être plus fière de moi-même.

Awarded to the first year student who has contributed most to the Hall and also shows academic promise.

shiok sendiri, say it with me! {:oD

:: T'en Vas Pas Comme Ça - génération yéyés


oh yea, i know i'm lagging by two days but to those i haven't wished:

selamat hari raya aidilfitri and happy diwali to all my kawan-kawan!

send me some satay kambing now! (don't forget the kuah, hor. thanks.)
ooh j'en ai envie beaucoup. feed me, somebody!

..back to revision for tomorrow's french oral. heh ;P

i dont keep in touch with world news here, or any news for tt matter. mostly cos i forget to. today stephen told us bout something tt's apparently been in the news (perth) for the past week: Tibetan pilgrims shot at by Chinese soldiers. of course i'm aware that this might be a propanganda thing on part of the news agency but really, shoot for what?

i'm suddenly craving popeye's chicken. rgh i'm so hungry... savoury food. i need food tt's not cereal or oatmeal... shit i should've ordered pizza just now cos broadways just closed 20 mins ago.

i feel embarrassed just thinking bout it:
got up at 9 plus and went for french lecture but as soon as i sat down in the LT, i was gripped by the agonising lao sai feeling. too bad, had to tahan for 45mins. then during asian studies tute i started seeing stars and got a bad headache. i finally admitted at lunch, while trying not to barf, tt i was (ya, get this) hungover.

WTF. from wat sia?? in the 24 hrs before lunch today, my total alcoholic drinks intake did not exceed 400ml. it's so ridiculous, really, i want to laugh but i'm still reeling frm this morning's headache. wat's still NOT funny though is the nightmare.

woke up half an hr ago from the motherfucker of all fucking nightmares. i was actually half awake long before but i couldn't get my eyes to open and i couldn't move. all there was was noise and familiar faces with unfamiliar feelings. quelle horreur. where's amelia?, i could hear them asking outside. i'm here, i'm here!! but the only sounds i could make were the screams in my head. i couldn't even scream in the dream. quelle horreur. could be the result of today's sporadic drinking, though i find tt conclusion a little dramatic.

:: Mademoiselle of the Morning - gris gris

i showered and went to the bbq downstairs for dinner. washing hair before a bbq- is it tt obvious my mind isn't in the right place nowadays? then jack spilt red wine on my jacket and my jeans, which i then washed with white wine. then it got chilly and i took sips of beer and red and white frm alfred's cup. laugh laugh laugh hee hee ha ha.

this afternoon, i lay on the grass like the silly angmohs i laugh at who perch their kiddy pools and splash bout in the quad. three of us, aaron me alfred. brought my asian studies reader down but the only success i had was at occasionally reminding myself of my distaste for beer. as evinced in the preceding paragraph, this success was limited only to duration of the tanning session. pointless spiders.

forced myself out of bed at 7.30am to prep for intercollege athletics. donned daphne's fbt get-up to trick myself and the general population into thinking i am in fact very sporty and fit. hur hur. rushed down for brekky and then realised tt the meet was starting only at 10.

i'd like to think of my time spent here as character-building. mm.

:: Ling102 wk8-9 ilectures - d.midgley

Four.

Inter-college arts nite. lee and i with desperado, our intl nite medley, and myself and three guys from the dungeon +ben with sympathique/can't take my eyes off you. won third for the first two items. wheee. haha. at least the recent aversion to hmwk has paid off.
went for asian cocktail last night and danced my (hairless! er-hmm!) legs to death. witnessed a fight in a club for the first time and thankfully got pulled out of the way just in time. no asthma attacks or headaches despite a bit of drinking; i just may be getting used to this. twas a pretty good night. then, breakfast at mac's and then back home to shower and sleep and then wake up just in time to bathe and go to church. actually wanna go to the beach tmr but we're running for inter-college athletics in the morning so i guess we can't. in the afternoon its more ilectures, ling assignmt 3, anth essay research, asian studies essay research, and tutoring daily in english.

this sem is passing so quickly. rgh. so little time so much to do!

no more i love you's but i still need you here.

Haven't got a lot to learn and my eyes they stray again
Looking for a satellite in the rays of heaven again
There's no other ending, Sunday sun
Yesterday's are ending, Sunday sun

Jealous minds walk in a line and their faces jade the strain
Stranded in infinity rooms and they're safe from any harm
There's no other ending, Sunday sun
Yesterday's are mending, Sunday sun

:: Sunday Sun - beck


something quite odd happened this evening. i was singing no doubt's spiderwebs in my rm, my door wide open. then karol shout's frm her rm oi change song already lah! so i start a spastic grunge-y version of the elmo song. all this while i am sitting on the edge of my bed, preparing my daily dose of calcium and glucosamine. then out of nowhere, this guy jonathan walks past my rm and totally catches me off guard. as if i don't already find him awkward enough to begin with, he looks at me slightly bemused, what you doing? WAH- stun tiok. i mean i do realise tt when i sing loudly or do stupid things, there are bound to be pple around but they don't usually catch me off guard like tt and for once, i actually felt embarrassed (<-- there! tt's the odd thing!). before i could react, wanling walks out of her rm, stands beside jonathan and looks quizzically at the pill bottles in my head. wah you taking wat medicine? i managed a duno HAHA wo3 feng1 le4, before i started laughing and didn't stop till 10 mins later. HAHAHHAA FUCK I KENA MALU SIAL HAHAHHA HAHAHHA. and i had to write this down because tt has got to be the oddest sensation i've felt this whole week.

could tt be why i'm feeling so lethargic now? perhaps the enormity of such a novel feeling is taking its toll on my body. i can't seem to keep my eyes open.


and we've become more conscious of ourselves, haven't we? what are you getting out of this? is it making you feel better? cos i can tell you, baby, it's not working for me. "so why did you call? i mean it's not like it's routine or anything." and since when have i gone consistently by rule and routine? and i get frustrated because you always ask me questions i don't know the answers to. and then you don't like it when i say i dunno.

:: Love Somebody - robbie williams

YAY!!!!!!! managed to explain the concept of past perfect tense to daily. haha shiok sendiri, man. i really seem to be getting a kick out of this tutoring thing. ok, back to work, melia.

it's the first heavy downpour of the spring. SSSHHHH..SSSHHHHH..SSSSHHH it goes.

:: It Ain't Over Til It's Over - lenny kravitz

karin left for london this morning. i hope she has a safe flight and all's well on what i will now call her side of the world. call me when you reach ok? i love you, karin!

i haven't been feeling like writing lately. could be cos i've been too busy being active to think too deeply into anything. international nite is finally over and our bollywood dance went well hah. tt was really fun you know. the song medley wasn't half as fun but tt went ok too i guess. the gulab jamun- oh.... the gulab jamun... OH OH OH!!! mmm!!! WAH! nice... nice... i must get the recipe frm nazim.

i've lost weight. quite a lot i reckon, since my waist blubber no longer spills out of my jeans. in fact, my jeans are all dropping and my bras now fit at the tightest hook. i owe this to bollywood dance practices and last last week's badminton tournament. yay! haha! i feel so fit.

been informally tutoring the new korean girl Daily (tt's her 'english' name) who moved in upstairs a couple of weeks back. she's doing an english course at the uni's EL centre. it's really not easy, teaching someone english frm scratch (well, almost) but so far it's been quite fun (albeit tiring) and i'm really amazed at the extent of my patience. i should become an english teacher, huh? mm, i think so.

i've found myself to be quite flirt and i wonder what to make of it.

have another four anthrop ilectures to do... fuck. and three more asian studies ilectures to do. tons of readings for those two units to do. a french presentation to prepare. an anthrop ethnography and a french lit book to read. anthrop and asian studies essays to research and start. a french worksheet to complete. past yr linguistics exam papers to try out. thank God for this one-week break.

bf is coming here in nov. whoopdeedoo :D

Encouraging Inventor

spoke to lidong yesterday. got things sorted out. and i'm happy with us; with what we had and what we still have. maybe i'm ready to give it another try. i thought he was going to say i love you- not tt he would have reason to- but he didn't. but anyway, i still felt so relieved he understood when i said i couldn't bring myself to do it right now. we said goodbye just as the sun began to lighten the sky's blackness. this is the way it should be- happy happy.

woke up just in time for sch so i had to skip brunch. we discussed the closing chapter of L’étranger. and i saw us in it, with our little contentions and whatnots. i like making connections; maybe tt's why i love jigsaw puzzles so much. it was a beautiful day, today. i got to look smart in class and i walked to the bus stop with my anthrop classmate, alex. new day, new friend, new happy. haha.

thanks for loving me {:oD


:: Play the Game - queen

nthng nthng nthng. do either of us have any idea what the fuck is going on here?

i've never had much faith in the choices i make for myself. i suppose i'm impaired in this aspect. not tt he would be interested in any of these my excuses. in the light of everything, apologies are starting to seem increasingly inane. where did we go, my lovely?

i've always envied pple who weren't inclined to know what they were gonna to do the next day. sometimes i wish i could be like tt but i feel like i'm always running out of time. and love.


:: Let It Roll - train

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges. You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions. Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist. Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!). Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others. And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically. Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas. Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

i told him i'll try. but we can have a little hate game. you'll hate me and i'll hate you. and me. let's go to sleep. my brains are dripping out through my busted sinuses and it hurts when i cry and it hurts my heart even more when i don't. and all i can do is scream.

i had a friend called amelia. just letting myself know all this in case i forget.

seeing as to how casual you seem to be treating this, i cast lots. it said two separate hearts. but then you know i always choose the opposite.

songs to you

let it roll - train
not myself - john mayer
goodbye to you - michelle branch
she has no time - keane
roulette - soad
i love how you love me - paris sisters
criminal - fiona apple
fair - remy zero
falling from grace - gentle waves
dosed - red hot chilli peppers
reason why - rachael yamagata
love is on the way - saigon kick
breathe easy - sugababes
drive - the cars
breeze - sophie zelmani

good luck to us, then.

i woke up in the morning (technically, yesterday morning) and found myself a bit too wide awake for comfort. and for the next few moments i just laid and stared, trying to recall who i was and where i was. it isn't usually like this. got out of bed, changed, forced a bit of food down, and went to the wrong classroom for the wrong class. then ran to the right class. french literature. l'Étranger. and i began to feel nauseous as we discussed Meursault's indifference to emotion. l'étranger.

at the back of my head it worried me tt i wasn't the least worried bout the things i know i should be more concerned with. but i couldn't bring myself to do it. to get concerned, i mean. stoic.

sometime in the afternoon, i remembered our conversation the night before. the only thing i remembered quite clearly, was thinking how cleverly-phrased some of your words were; almost like an angry poem. and i was filled with admiration.

i used to like taking random bus rides just to see where they'd take me. i'd have a jacket for warmth, a water bottle to keep me alive, a notepad and pen for notes to myself, handphone for security, ventolin inhaler for security, tissue for security, my wallet for security in a scrappy bag for- comfort. i won't pretend tt such attempts at reckless abandon didn't make me nervous. just to be safe, i'd note the bus's final destination first though this seldom affected my decision to take it.

more than a year ago, i took my memories- for reference- and got on a ride. i've got nothing to lose anyway, i thought. i disliked the bumpy parts but my rationale was tt if there weren't any bumpy parts, then how would we notice tt the rest of the road was in fact smooth? i didn't know where we were going but i was too busy enjoying the ride. hedonistic.

i hated tt you made me choose. did you know tt i'm a sore loser? yeah, a closet one. i hated tt you mocked me. it made me feel, for the first time in my life, contempt against you. but maybe it's for the better, considering my tendency to associate myself with such emotional travails. for doesn't all we do come down to self-gratification?

:: Falling From Grace - gentle waves

i find it difficult to love people who love me. i find tt i only love that which i know i cannot have. tt's the way my body feels; tt's the way my mind feels. i have to make an effort to miss people and i guess this may make me seem a little heartless, but i'm not going to lie.

one day everyone who loves me will realise tt i am truly heartless in the way i am and tt i am not inclined to be otherwise, and they will leave me. and they will leave me be. the only problem will be tt it will be undoubtedly hard for them.. and tt i might not be inclined to care much.

then will come the day when i will be deprived of this much and then we'll be back at the start; where i cannot have anything and anything is what i'll want.

how did we get into this mess?

i was waiting for the bus today and a bird peed on my hand. so i went and bought a 1$ scratch-n-win ticket at the interchange.





A$2! ...prizes to be collected at murray street mall which i have to spend another dollar to get to. l'absurdité de la vie? euh, peut-être.

have been slightly inundated with all the work. also been busy with training for hockey inter-college, doing useless things online, going for river cruise in pink polka-dotted pyjamas, getting a bit PR with freshies, buying 5$ shirts from harbourtown, trying not to eat out so much, yadda yadda yadda...

ce que je devrai faire les jours suivants:
- apprendre chanter Panis Angelicus
- préparer les cours de révision (pour le lundi)
- préparer le tute étudies asie
- faire la lessive
- finir de lire l'Étranger
- préparer le tute anthrop
- coudre les trous de mon pantalon et de mon jean


:: Fair - remy zero

my skin likes it when you do what you do. insatiable.

so little time so much to do.

ok this is long overdue (sorry dan!) but here's the recipe for the creamy mushroom thingy i made 2 weeks back:

5 big cloves of garlic
1 large yellow onion
1 pack halal turkey bacon (400g i think)
1 box of button mushrooms (white or brown)
6 big shitake mushrooms
1 can Nestle cream (125 ml i think)
salt and black pepper

1) chop up the garlic, onion, bacon and mushrooms.
2) heat olive oil in a pan and throw fry garlic and onions till soft.
3) fry chopped up bacon till it's as crispy as you like it.
4) add mushrooms and saute till cooked.
5) stir in cream and add salt/pepper to taste.
6) turn off heat, spoon into a big bowl and serve with crackers or toast!

PS: if you want to make this a pasta sauce, add one more can of cream.

i like the way i am when i'm in perth. i'm neater, slightly more productive and nicer i think.

i thought it'd be better if lidong visited me in nov then we could come back together, as opposed to in the middle of the sem; then i wouldn't have to see him leave. then he said then what about me? when you left for perth... and when you went to cambodia? i never thought bout it tt way, really. at least not till he mentioned it. i guess tt makes me pretty selfish.

got my results already. i did ok i guess: two crappy credits, one crappy D and a crappy HD. crappy cos it's all borderline. not tt i'm an overachiever but i just thought i could do a little better.

why are we being so cold towards each other? or could i be mistaking his stoicness for hostility. maybe i'm just a cry-baby? maybe, baby. i wish he didn't slam tt door at me. i wish he gave me time to talk to him today. i really needed to talk to him. i'm not your obligation. but if it's tt hard then please, don't let me keep you. if nothing's wrong then why won't you hold me?

a dj saved my life.

i don't remember if i was expecting much but i'm feeling a bit disappointed bout coming back so far. i was dreaming of stuffing my face but 3 days after touchdown, fucking red sea floods the nether lands and brings with it a breakout, cramps, water retention, no swimming, no appetite, no energy... among other (er-hmm) things.

oh, AND pple telling me how much weight i put on. i mean i wouldn't be so fucking peeved if this was actually true. the fact is tt i lost close to 1.5kg but it seems pple just love doing it over and over and over again - oh hi! you're back... i see you've been eating well... and then they give me a smug 'hur hur, if you know what i mean' kind of face. thank you, i've never felt more welcome before. i'm beginning feel like i'm obsessed. not with losing weight but with trying to find pple who won't start a conversation by telling how much fatter they think i am. look, i only have 4 weeks back here ok so don't fucking waste my time. look before you talk can?

it's like how when after seven years of specs i switched to contacts, some pple whom i see every week still can ask, huh you mean you wore specs? it's so exasperating. your eyes put on your face for show only is it? look also must think a bit and see a bit wat. think out of the box! ask analytical qns! like, why is it tt amelia seems a bit bloated sometimes?- is she on the pill? or having her period? maybe she goes for buffet lunch every month? maybe aliens hijacked her soul and the only way to keep her alive is a monthly binge fest?

see????? creative qns ONLY! RAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!


it could be tt hormones are fucking with my brain but i feel a little bit out of place since i got back. things like waiting for the feeder bus, shifting through the discount racks at the gss, sitting on the couch watching THS or cna or discovery, browsing at kino blablablah, tt's all fine but it's different when i have interact with pple for more than a few sentences. i think i'm beginning to abhor the outside world i.e. the world outside my head. i seem to be finding interaction with the general population a little too awkward for comfort sometimes. i want to run back to perth and hide in my rm. even prata bom didn't seem as gratifying.

it feels like i didn't even leave here; like took a long nap and then woke to go to serangoon for michelle's 21st. and guess what she told me - you know, it feels like i never left singapore!

hell, it's like we did a rip van winkle and woke up to find tt the only difference was we were about (AUD8000 + misc.expenses) poorer.


next stop, faux pas at simpang. i couldn't help it, there was an unidentified bug tt resembled a cockroach clinging on to my collar. how could i not scream FUCK? how, mother? tell me- how?!

mummy's cooking
casuarina prata
simpang prata bom & teh cino
ichiban
... donc, five down and bout 40 to go.

i've planned my timetable for next semester already. bought one of my french lit books already... +(1 x french cosmo)+(1 x us cosmo)+(1 x french children's book on philo) = things i don't really need but bought cos it was the last day of the kino 20% off sale. oh well. anyway, i think it makes sense tt i learn to read a children's book and fashion and sex tips in french before endeavouring to swallow untranslated albert camus and annie ernaux.

been watching the world cup and kind of rooting for the socceroos. i suspect i've become something of an aussiephile haha(erm, or whatever you call it). first it was aussie music (no, NOT waltzing mathilda, advance aussie fair or anything by olivia newton john). guess i can't help it. perth is pretty nice, save for the smelly drunks and expensive food and what not.
oh oh i forgot to tell you tt i had mole (MOH-LAY) ice cream. not bad, just a bit too spicy for me.

got to hold a big baby taylor today at godma's hse and i liked it so much i want one for my birthday. hah. but mumsy says i only get to bring her crappy bulky regular-sized geeeeetah. blurgh.

karin, it feels like i never went anyway, right?

tmr i get to try lidong's new bed. later today, i mean. as soon as i'm done amusing myself with spore idol vids on youtube and get to sleep in time to wake up in time to go to lidong's hse just in time to chope the bed.

ok, cheers matey.

1.6 degrees!

crazy ass weather. ppft. nak mampos, my backside is turning into an icicle already. but anyway, i'm much happier now than i've been in the past 2 weeks; two down and one more to go! woooh. prata bom, here i come! still haven't decided what to do for the 21st.

what if i get so used to being alone tt when i go back, i don't want to be with anyone. would pple leave me alone then? is it the distance?

it seems tt i'm becoming incredibly selfish. i let myself up to these moods but don't bother to put up signs to warn pple.

bf says i should live on a mountain instead, so tt no one would ever call me and i'd never have to get irritated.

do they have mountains in hell?

i need to stop being so self-indulgent.

:: Not Pretty Enough - kasey chambers

daddy was driving someone else's car - from cck cemetery cos we had just gone to visit granny - and i was sitting in the front seat. we cruised along some ulu highway with no buildings or any other cars nearby, so tt all tt was before me was dashboard, road, sky sky sky and more sky. i stared at the clouds and watched as the sun painted the sky pink, orange, purple, red. then this song came on. i wonder if everyone so readily associates pensiveness with melancholy with sadness the way i do. i sat entranced by the boundless beauty of billowy softness and wondered if heaven was just like tt. when i was a lot younger, someone told me tt 'heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace' and tt in heaven, we could all be young again and could do our favourite things for ever and ever and ever.

would tt mean tt if i made it, i'd be allowed to stare at clouds for ever? but would the view from up there be different? and if everyone became young again, how would i recognise granny? and nanny? and how young would i be? young like i was when i missed out on happiness? one time, i thought heaven was a field of flowers. what flowers then? sunflowers? i tried planting those once. but then we went out of the country for a while. then they died.

i've been having nightmares again. i hate it tt i remember the little details and the feeling sticks when i wake up. they seem so real. but it could be worse- they could be real.

why do we like some pple more than we like others?

why do i feel inclined to shout at some pple on the phone and not others. i hate it when pple call me when i'm in the midst of doing something. i guess they wouldn't know when to call otherwise since they don't keep tabs on me 24-7. but i don't think this is the problem. the problem, rather, is tt i feel hopelessly inclined to scream at only certain pple who call me during those pissable times. this implicit preference worries me.

God's funny.




either He's saying i can't have it or He's trying to make me more determined. i guess for now the former seems a less problematic conclusion. i wish it was funny in a haha way. God may be funny but he's funnier still. All you need is something to take to make the numb feel like pain again. my only weakness would be entertaining these feelings; but isn't it true tt life without pain is totally pedestrian?

oh god.. i'm such a sucker. turn it off, turn the music off. oh foolish heart who's all a'flutter. should i have you know by now? Sshh...

:: So Young It Hurts - the hampdens

:: Beautiful to Me - little birdy

the axl version of sophie zelmani. oh yes, you are beautiful to me.

why do i feel the way i do the way i do the way i do?
is what's holding you back what's holding me back?

i would like some time to read a book, please.

revelation of the semester: rafie is the lecturer's son.

fucked up my french class test. i walked home, feeling cold and lousy. lay in bed and had involuntary fantasies of stabbing at my wrist with a butter knife. i cried cos it was painful just thinking bout my cartilage snapping at the pressure of the blunt metal edge. and then a dj saved my life.


lidong's planning where to go next yr. i'm excited for him. and for karin. after all this, everyone will be getting new jobs and what not. maybe a marriage cert, maybe some kids. then meno/andropause. then retirement. then goodbye. one. by. one. there's so much i want to do. i want to make love, kids, art, music, cakes, a living, a trip around the world, it, and everything else in between.

what's holding you back? what's holding me back?

if you're lucky enough (or unlucky enough, depending on you), there'll be a time or times in your life where you reach an invisible quota on good friends. there're still those himynameis,what'syours times with new pple you meet but it never goes further than tt. you keep old good friends but don't bother to take up opportunities for new deeper friendships. problem is, we don't all experience the same point of our lives at the same point in time. so i could have retired when you just start lookin for a good friend in someone. and so if we keep this up, we could be going in circles. just a thought.

went to see evermore at the octagon with michelle. the way peter hume moves those legs, it makes me want to take my clothes off for him. you can't get any sexier than tt, no. got me evermore briefs (signed!). supporting act the exploders was good too. then michelle slept over. twas all good.

winter is here. and i'm nearly freezing tonight. possibly due the to drastic weather (or perhaps hormonal) changes, last night i suddenly felt inclined to get creative and do something terribly artsy.




Child Psychology





'I could wait.'


i guess this means goodbye to one of my white-stationery-elephants.

:: In The Cold Cold Night - the white stripes

4.03 AM, 24 May Wednesday

lidong promises to visit me. i hope tt'd be soon. like this yr maybe?

R u on the phone? Love. Dad
Going to bed. Call u tmoro. Love. Dad

it's always been awkward between us.

i suddenly feel like eating popeye's chicken.

i'm finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the mornings (and in the afternoons too). pms?

i had a good cry just now.

i have a feeling i should be doing a little studying than i've been doing.

where is all this time going?

it scares me to know tt i only get one chance in any particular moment in time to do any one thing. i don't really know where i'm headed sometimes. how bout when i die, will i know by then at least?

it's been a while since i slept after the sprinklers come on. oh horror.

sometimes i get angry. very very angry. then i cry and cry and cry. well at least i don't miss crying, then.

Winter is cold and bitter, chill us to the bitter...
too long to far from home...

:: Full of Grace - sarah mclachlan


8.34 PM, 24 May Wednesday

14-16 july. 21st bday celebration or baybeats? party or gig? party or gig party or gig party or gig? arrhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! why oh why?

NOTES:



1.23 AM, 8 May Monday.

Dry cereal.

my right eye has been twitching for the past 24 hours. maybe it doesn't like being awake? just like how most pple harbour secret contempt for eating cereal dry. i got yewjin to help me find child psychology and real love which i lost when hard drive did a houdini on me. then i fell asleep with my bed covers which i haven't washed since i got here. every now and then, something will come along and goad me into that familiar feeling of sinking into myself. it's like tt when i listen to those songs. like oh world, fuck me so i can be one with you. i am inadvertently hippie i think.


10.12 PM, 13 May Saturday.

i'm on my way out of a bout of sulking. i realised tt of late i've been appreciating my alone time. i can't remember- was it like that in singapore? if it was then maybe this is just me feeling more and more at home with where i am. asian studies on confucius due this coming friday.

ok wait, sidetrack! if today is thursday, how come pple call the coming mon 'this mon'. doesn't tt refer to the monday tt just passed? doesnt this mon belong to this week and next mon to next week?

anyway my point was (and i am coming to it, yes) tt i seem to know more bout the general elections than on confucius. i am quite so fucked.

i'm trying to consciously avoid the things tt have made me feel ways tt i don't want to feel, and to do the things tt i know will make me feel like how i feel like feeling. i wonder what im trying to feel by being indifferent.

i always wonder at what point of life a random someone is at. is this a dull time for him? are she at tt point in your life when you wish things would just stay the same? is it tt point of time when you're discovering what you really want for yourself? what were you doing when i was going through tt crappy time in my childhood? not tt i'd expect you to know when tt was, but were you wondering bout me? i think this happens when i recognise a younger me in someone else. then i start to wonder. and, and what if pple looked up from their own lives and, as they enter another part of their life, waved at the other pple moving in the opposite direction. it would be like escalators. yes, just like tt. escalators.


i notice everytime i call lidong i keep hoping he won't sigh like he so worried when i tell him a problem i have. it doesn't help me, or anyone else for tt matter. in fact, it fucking pisses me off. don't get me wrong, i love my bf. i love the way he loves me. i like it tt we're opposites in lots of things. i like tt he sends me home. i like it tt he's not another me. maybe sometimes i like it tt i have more to lose in life. BUT i just hate it when he sighs.

just now i was on the brink of crying but i'm not really what about.

i'm going to attempt to read The Analects tonight. is lidong's xbox party tonight?

i feel like eating the indomie perisa ayam panggang tt i bought the other day.



11.04 PM, 13 May Saturday

:: Svefn-G-Englar - sigur ros

i feel like watching a good film right now but assignmts call out to me like banshees. piss off, i say. whaaa whaaaa , they reply. oh the dynamics of uni life.


2.26 AM, 17 May Wednesday
i think my nose is menstruating. for the past few mornings i've been digging up bloodied nose shit (from my nose, duh). now at first i thought it was only like a one time thing, like maybe too heaty or something. but then i JUST dug out bit of coagulated blood and it suddenly occured to me tt something might be not quite right. at first i thought a mosquito might have died inside my nose. then i remembered tt my period is late. so here's what i conclude: i've not been drinking enough water so my womb must have dried up, leaving it no choice but to expel blood vicariously through another orifice.


1.08 AM, 18 May Thursday

les devoirs? c'est quoi?

... le subjonctif le subjonctif le subjonctif - pfft! j'en ai marre! je veux seulement tergiverser. je veux que le temp passe plus rapidement.



create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

kway chup, ice limau halia, teh masala, tempura don, lucky plaza / kampong chicken rice, chai tao kway, bandung, PS bakchor mee ta, crystal jade jingpaijiya porridge.


7.29 PM, 18 May Thursday

Clarence from my french class called me this morning. how you going for the presentation, he asks. erm i'm fine. he has a problem, he says; someone followed his father home last night and stabbed him in the back of the head. Oh SHIT, i say.

yes, shit shit shit shit shit..
it's things like this tt make you wonder if your own problems can seem any more inconsequential.

you know those annoying ubiquitous Slurping Ape t-shirts? i'd like to make a brand new one- Swashing[bloody]Ape - exclusively for naik-atas pple who don't understand the concept of turn-taking. rest assured, the shirt will be one-size-fits-all-heads and will suit all occasions (see: Grassroot Ramification Contests, Pre-Aggrandizement Parties etc). it will also warn others of the imminent barrage they will encounter should they wish to express an apparently aberrant opinion.

blablablabahiamsocleverbecauseiamolderthanyousoblabalablabalabaaaaaaanononoletmefinishwhatiwanttosayeven
thoughimyselflovetointerruptppleblablaahablahblahbutnonowhatmakesyouthinkiamsombongproveitblablahhmmm
mandatemandateblablaunfoundedisayblahblahblahihavecometobringyouenlightenmentandinstructyouinthewaysofold
blablablaaahblahblabberblabberblabber.


wah lau, i geram sial.

I've got pieces of april
i keep them in a memory bouquet
i've got pieces of april
but it's a morning in may

HA-HA-HAH! i remembered....!!!

there's porn right HERE.

no no, i swear i don't get paid to do this. haha. stupid edmund.

i still have another 2 months++ before i see the giant fishball of changi, and already i'm getting invitations from home to stuff my face. a big bloody YES! to all the offers. fear not, fellow foodies! i shall mosey back to homeground and stuff my face as i've always done, for i dare declare, the sound of 'prata-bom and teh cino' is sweeter than the autumn winds tt kiss my face.

:: Zhi Yao Wei Ni Huo Yi Tian - huang sheng yi (ost. kung fu hustle

please visit here and concern yourself.

i don't understand why.

sometimes i wonder why i let myself be so emotionally volatile.

i don't like being told to stop doing something tt i never even do. i don't like being wrongfully accused of doing things i don't. i find myself having to defend my actions (or non-actions) a lot of the time because pple don't bother to get their facts right. like how mummy used alleged tt i will drink water halfway then offer it to someone else so i don't have to wash the cup. if you don't want the fucking water, i'll take the offer back; you don't have to make stupid assumptions bout my intentions. i just had the habit of overpouring and i didn't want to have to waste the last bit of water. but of course no one ever thought of tt. then one day, aged 12, i was walking by myself past a classrm with a lesson going on and a noisy bunch of girls came and walked past me and the teacher came out of the classrm and insisted tt ALL of us stand outside her classrm until we had enough sense to apologise for disrupting her lesson. i told her i wasn't even walking with them in the first place but the bitch would have none of it. and God forgive my idiotic self for just allowing myself to stand for the next 20 mins outside the class with the noisy girls while the bitch went back in to wait for our apology. then finally she came out and asked me if i was with them. like fuck, NO, BITCH. if you had any orifices on your stupid head other than your motherfucking mouth then maybe you could have heard me say NO the first fucking time. RRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry. tonight, i've been accused of playing catching in the floor corridor. i know it's so petty. i know it's so stupid. but everytime rae and karol do it, i tell them to stop disturbing pple and karol tells me it's not her fault the walls are thin. and now i'm being told tt i am so noisy because i play catching. something tells me i shouldn't be making this fuss but help me cos i'm so exasperated. i find myself sitting in my rm with the music floating round me, sophie's world sitting on my head, hot tears rolling down my face. why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry why am i so angry.

:: God of Wine - third eye blind

what if i told you.. the world had more than one side?
.. that you don't have to sip absinthe to see little green fairies.

i've just started reading sophie's world. i don't like the first couple of pages. i think i don't like the way it's written; it somehow made me liken sophie to anne of green gables (whom i absolutely cannot stand). the rest of the content though is not turning out to be so bad. i like it when writers effectively put into words the thoughts that i've also had before but was never able to put into words (because i forgot to or because i lack coherence and/or competence). i read the black and white and i go eh ya, ya i also thought of tt before; only tt you beat me to it. but i dont tell many pple of this cos sometimes they seem to think tt i'm just saying tt to be yaya. i don't like being misunderstood and i'm sure not many pple do. grossly annoying, i think.

thank you to jostein gaarder also for reminding me tt i haven't played with lego in a damn long time. what happened to those cool lego ads anyway? i still remember my first and only lego set. a blue box whose covers were the green lego bases. it wasnt fantastic but it was functional, mobile and best of all, something we could afford. besides, all i needed were the basic pieces; no need for those snazzy tractor parts and wheels and tropical trees tt came with those stylo-drama sets. pfft!

i'm curious bout my second cousin seraphina and what she does in my hse. it's not tt i'm suspicious of her intentions or voyeuristic (er-hmm) or anything like tt. i just wonder how she's finding my rm and what she's like (since i don't really know much bout her). i realise i always ask bout her when mummy calls. and this is what i've gathered: she's messy, she likes to wear old pyjamas cos she thinks it's comfortable, she wears size 27, her bf comes over on sundays sometimes and he travels quite a distance to visit her, she talks to mummy and uncle jeffrey bout her day at school and she doesn't watch much tv.

so i told mummy tt now she doesn't have to miss me so much since me and seraphina have quite tt much in common. it's interesting how things worked out tt way don't you think? what are the chances of my leaving and my second cousin frm jb (who also reportedly wears similiar colours to me) going to spore to study at almost the same time?

:: These Kids - joel turner & the modern day poets

eh tell you a secret: every year i wait for may to come so tt i can sing like three dog night, "..i've got pieces of april, but it's a morning in may..." but then year after year, may comes and goes and i totally forget bout the song and then i have to wait till the next yr.

saw vincent online recently but he had to go too soon. he only had time to tell me tt he had just broken up with his gf, tt it seems everytime he breaks up with a gf he will see me online not long after, and tt he and andrew were meeting the following day. i wonder why i sometimes prefer talking to guys than girls. some would call it 'deprived'.

my mouth feels like an ulcer farm. it's either dry or suffering withdrawal frm lack of mekajiki.

akan datang: TERM BREAK.

:: Medication - garbage

i feel the sullen sick feeling coming on. uh uh-uh-uh-uh uh.

pontangd asian studies lecture again. i wouldn't have stayed awake anyway. came back to sleep and dreamt tt i was told i was pregnant. if it was 8 weeks or more than maybe it's marginally possible i think, but SHIT i said. lidong was happy though; he kept smiling and he couldn't stop kissing me. maybe he was just high. and then there was humpty dumpty and then something else i can't remember tt triggered deja vu. same ole, same ole.

i need to eat fruits. and vegetables.

college (or hall, watever you wanna call it) seems to attract the most dodgy of my countrymen (and rarer cases, -women). i wonder if it's against the law to carry a kitchen knife for protection in this country. i reckon it'll come in useful, in this college at least.

i hope this tepidity is only the precursor to pms. blurgh.

i love you, karin :)

:: This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song - s.o.a.d.

goodbye weekend, hello today






danial is in perth for bout a week so he carried over some of my stuff for me. i found out his aunty and uncle know aunty lorna and uncle tony cos they go to the same church and all.

anyway, me and dan had a bit of an adventure today thanks to my unlucky mouth. took the wrong train from perth station and had to take one back and then get on the right train to burswood. had a good laugh over that. we went to freo but i only had time to stuff my face with fish and chips before closing time, so dan didn't get to go to the weekend fruit market, which is funnier still because he's only here for one weekend.

the response to our captains ball tournament was way better than i imagined (not tt it was good, i just wasn't expecting anyone to turn up). baby says he'll send me my foto cds when he collects them. yay - mail from baby!

pete murray is performing at sirucco (sp?) the coming sat. all i need to do is win the bloody tix.

mambo on thurs was good. a good workout, followed by a good meal with good friends. i guess i'm lucky, really.

:: Crazy Doctor - the loudness

my internet acct is out of money so i really shouldn't be spending this money blogging.

just now on the highway back here, i was thinking bout how i would miss perth when i'm done with everything here. and i already began to feel nostalgic. oh aren't i such a load of emo-crap.

<< Dinner at Cherie's >>




... coming to a college near you!

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you


:: I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - colin hay



I hope my baby never ever stops loving me.

i'm so tired that i had to sit on my apple to eat a bed.

it feels surreal, being here. but it feels so right at the same time. it feels like i'm floating and i think this may be because as i sit here, i'm thinking of the way i'll feel when i look back in 5 yrs and remember how i sat here. then it becomes too abstract to be real.

:: Garden State soundtrack


the other day, someone asked: if you had to give up your sight or your sense of hearing, which would it be? hearing of course, was the unanimous response. "how hard life would be if i wasn't able to see. pple born with sight will not be able to cope without it. at least i can get used to being deaf, but not blind."

sight, i said. i'd rather lose my sight. i could never live in a silent world. let alone one without music. no no no no. no no they can't take that away from me.


right now i don't have time to sit and watch the ducks duck and the shake-your-tail-feathers bird shake its tail feathers. i don't have time to sit on those vintage benches and close my eyes and take in the world through my nose and ears. i have no time to sit at the arts blk and watch the peacocks and the peahens and their little chick peas. i have no time to seek out a cheap shisha place and puff my brains out. i have no time to do the jigsaw puzzle i brought over and i have no time to roll around on the quad or sit under the tree and sketch me some hope for this rusty artist.

i wonder what winter will be like here. will i be bundled up like a siao long bao, with my skin threatening to break open and let my babi babatness spill out? will i feel exactly the way i'm feeling now? feeling like i'm at home, but missing home. i'm not bored at all and i suspect tt it's because i don't have time to think bout being bored. there's so much to do. banyak banyak. beaucoup beaucoup. many many things. i need to find time to do nothing.

i am ridden with guilt. i'm a terrible daughter. i cannot claim tt anything can warrant such behaviour without resulting in myself feeling sheepish for such pettiness. i told daddy like a thousand times (ok, fine - several times ok) tt if he plans to call me, he should msg me or email me at least a few hrs before so tt i can make sure i'm in my room to receive the call. but no, he'll just call at 10 something and then msg me to ask why i'm not in my room cos he just tried to call me. like why the fuck are you wasting your damn money. already you complain my course fees cost so much. then now you want me to spend more on my phone bill just so you can call me or so tt i can tell you i'm gonna call. like WTF ok.

just now rae was using my ph to call cherie's rm to ask bout enrolment and then daddy msgs yet AGAIN to tell me he just tried to call, with the implication tt i should call him back or reply with a message explaining why my phone was engaged. then i got rae to put down the ph but i hoped daddy wouldn't try calling again cos i knew i was fuming and if he called, i was just gonna scream into the receiver. but he did call. so i shouted at him for asking me questions i deem as stupid.

but i feel bad. i feel awful inside now cos every once in a while, i feel sorry for my father. daddy never knew who his father was. and then granny married 'Grandpa', who paid for daddy's education and all but never loved him as his own. and then daddy grw up and got married, confident tt all you needed for a happy marriage was a good job and maybe a couple of kids. unfortunately, his priorities were in tt same order. even more unfortunately, he married mummy, whose idea of a good marriage was a happy family and a man with a secure job (in tt order as well). and then i will not attempt to fill in what else went wrong simply because i don't even know the story myself. mummy said she'd tell if we ever wanted to know. but who am i to be so cruel as to ask questions whose answers will only cause our eyes to sweat? who wants to rock the boat when all's going smoothly. daddy is actually a good person. this sounds familiar and i think maybe it's cos i might have mentioned this in a previous post but oh well). he's got ideas tt he thinks will improve the world. he wants to improve singapore's transport system (don't laugh ok); he even drew up and did a proposal to someone an idea he had. and then he wants to do this and do tt. and he always gives money to pple who need it more than him. he's a good person but a bad father. or maybe he wasn't tt bad a father. just a regular dad with normal daddy problems at work, who had a normal bout of depression and a even more er, normal childhood. the only problem (and this is only what i i think it to be) is tt he is a lousy parent when juxtaposed beside mummy. and i feel a shitload of pity for him when i picture his expressionless face as he listens to my voice shouting at him on the other end of the line in a tone tt is a bit too familiar. i wish i would stop shouting like tt and yet i can hardly imagine it any other way.

shit, the last thing i need now is a good cry. there's too much work to do now so i'd better stop it right now.

kiss me there cos i want you, cos you want to. and you want to. and you want to.

:: Undecided - last transmission


i cannot remember wat he said tt made my eyes sweat. but the blood rushed from my chest and a painful emptiness took its place. and it's bittersweet. i would have you know tt i don't like editing my thoughts. just cos i might have to do it doesn't mean i also have to like it.

yesterday was the first day since i got here tt i actually began to worry about us. maybe a bit of worrying in this aspect won't kill. i find it uncomfortable nevertheless.

for the past two nights i've been plagued by nightmares so frightfully (homo)sexual in nature tt i woke up feeling most apprehensive bout my sexuality. i've never thought i'd feel so uncomfortable and confused bout same-sex erm.. sex. BLURGH. i can't help but wonder if this had got anything to do with my lenten sacrifice to not being so dirty-minded. i guess it doesn't matter how fast or far you run; you can never really flee from yourself.



things to do tonight/tmr afternoon:

- LING1101 tut hmwk (due:wed)

- ANTH1101 read miner, shostak etc

- French french french revision (subjonctif)

- FREN2203 journal (due:mon)

- ASIA1101 readings, choose presentation topic/week.

- LAUNDRY!

- Pack clothes for sleepover at Aunty Lorna's (Sat)

- Buy something nice to bring to Aunty PuiLeng's (Sun)

- not go crazy.

- deal with my wavering esteem

- pray. pray. pray.

:: Road to Nowhere - talking heads

i don't know why i'm blogging since i don't really have anything to say at the moment. my hand still hurts frm karate. well ok, * **** ***** ******* ** *** *** ***** **** **** **. i guess tt sounds pretty brazen but i'm really quite sheepish when it comes to this. my baby, he makes me feel like a little girl (tsk tsk tsk). sometimes i wonder if i'm an emotional leech but i wouldn't think too much bout tt if i were you.

i'm not actually having any problems adapting or settling here. and tt's (quite ironically) making me wonder if (and why, if there was such thing as a reason for such an intangible thing) life is just slipping by me. you know how at times you look back and go 'wow tt seems like just yesterday'? i sometimes think tt so one day i told myself: this will be day one. i will consciously live frm today and then at the next turn in my life i will look back and see if it really seems as short when i'm actually counting my days like this.

i suddenly feel like i want to find out the antidote to emotional ennui.
i want to show you the view by the bay at night. i want to show you how the little car lights in the distance seem to float obediently in a line just above the river's blackness, like luminous bubbles travelling through a plastic tube. i wanted to dive in and swim towards them but i was disconcerted by a loud groaning sound tt ascended the salty water enveloping my feet so i insisted we head back to the hall.

:: Butterfly in Reverse - counting crows

i wish i could learn a new song and learn to play it; one tt will make me feel like Foolish Games. michelle went for a gig yesterday. i made her promise to tell me bout any she hears of. i also hear tt Ben Folds is coming down here. good good. and i heard tt jewel came here before (even better!) so i'm hoping she'll come back down while i'm here and offer me a fine excuse for a recess frm anthrop french linguistics asian studies (yea, tt's the combi i finally decided to take in the end). the res club organised a music night on saturday and the president (who looks and sings a bit like james blunt) later asked me if i'd like to do some numbers for formal night. i said er..can can...just let me know lah. i wonder what i got myself into.

oh ya, eh andrew, tt happy birthday sms was frm me lah.

thanks again to all who saw me off at the airport and also to those who intended to. i didn't get to watch my first episode of CSI season 6 but i guess it's not so bad cos mummy said she'd tape me all the episodes. i can't remember if i've said this before: i'm so grateful my parents like lidong, even when he lets his wet hands drip all over the kitchen floor. i miss the babies - sam, clive and kenneth.

i got linguistics notes frm raechael today and found out frm her tt my stupid cousin was cheating on her. i'm surprised but i'm not at the same time and why should i be since i know well enough tt i don't know much about my cousin anyway.

looks like i said more than i thought i wanted to but oh ok i should go bathe now.


:: All You Want - dido

hallo from perth. yea so i have limited internet use and i'm really cheapo so i'll probably have to jot my thoughts elsewhere and only blog once in a while. to save time, i figured i'd just copy the email i typed out yesterday and paste it here. this was intended for to zehzeh, daddy, karin, lidong, my maris librarian boys, durga, rima, my godma and.. i cant remember who else. to save time i just sent it to zehzeh and asked her to forward it. anyways so here it is. (i had to take out all the expletives cos i sent it to daddy and godma.)

i just got back frm trial karate lessons. wah so tiring.. this angmoh black belt guy nearly broke my wrist trying to teach me some defence moves but i'm fine, don't worry.

(PS: my email is 'yeow' cos these angmohs are quite culturally ignorant so they think tt since my passport says *** ** *** ******, my name must be WU. and all student emails are surname+first initial, thus the 'yeow'. i even had to go to the student admin to tell them to stop sending mails to MS WU YEO. so very grossly annyoing..)

today i had my first few lectures. been quite interesting so far. i tried out the intermediate french and i think i might take it instead of wasting time starting frm beginner level; but i will have to do a bit of catching up. tmr i only have anthropology lecture and there are no tuts this week so i have time to go out. gonna meet michelle and meiching in town and maybe i'll try and find a nice swimsuit before summer is out. the uni has a pool (only 50cents entry!).

eh eh i got my very first henna tattoo at a fairly obscene price but it's quite nicely done and quite lasting so i'm happy.

i'm not sick of hostel food yet. today we had pasta and meatballs for dinner and chocolate brownie pudding thingy for dessert. when karol's parents were here, we went to this place called Broadway which has very nice malaysian food (but they cook it very very salty- the way aussies like it).

met kenny here (newfound uncle/cousin/something) and i'll be going for dinner with him at a certain aunty pui leng's(newfound aunty) hse this sunday (where we will meet more distant relatives).this coming monday is labour day holiday. didn't even know tt till aunty lorna called me just now to offer to let me stay over the long weekend.

i went to church yesterday and ya, they reminded us in the bulletin tt ash wed is coming. so i'll be going for mass. need to pray more lah. lidong is getting holier than me haha.

the arts building here is full of peacocks and peahens and chickpeas haha. they like to strut round and act all arty-farty. quite funny. there's also tt shake-your-tail-feathers kind of bird - daaaaaaaamn cute! the crows here are the size of chickens and they sound just like the silly aussies tt are getting themselves drunk downstairs at this very moment.

right now as i speak, karol is sitting on my room floor trying to teach our indonesian friend nadya how to properly intonate "ang moh", while they both peruse nadya's yearbook and laugh at the stupid looking pple.

so far i've made friends and acquaintances frm kenya, dubai, indonesia, malaysia, singapore (hard to avoid this bunch), tanzania, russia, philippines, melbourne, perth, sydney, hongkong, japan, vietnam, cambodia, canada (BC), india, colombia, scotland. i'm a WORLD citizen! and i can safely say tt by far, the most annoying bunch are inevitably singaporeans, followed closely by drunk australians.

i like my room very much and so far i've managed to avoid getting locked out of it more than once. (raechell is in the lead with a record-breaking 6 times in less than 2 weeks, while karol got locked out 4 times in her bathrobe.)

very very fortunately, i bumped into cousin ian's gf raechael while walking to lecture and we exchanged numbers so i should be getting my linguistics notes frm her pretty soon.

:: The Girl Who Falls Down Stairs - tom mcrae

i'm leaving here in almost exactly 48 hours and i'm not sure how im spposed to be feeling. it feels like cambodia i think. when i was leaving for cambodia i think. like not knowing what to expect.

still need to recall where i last put my passport-sized photos. still need to pack bag. still need to email currie hall and uwa regarding room arrangements and french respectively. still need... still need sleep.

just when you think you know someone-

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Lidong!

1. Olympic badminton rules say that lidong must have exactly fourteen feathers.
2. A sixteenth century mathematician lost his nose in a duel over his love for lidong, and wore a silver replacement for the rest of his life.
3. Some people in Malaysia bathe their babies in beer to protect them from lidong.
4. If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill lidong.
5. If you don't get out of bed on the same side you got in, you will have lidong for the rest of the day.
6. Lidong has 118 ridges around the edge.
7. Lidong can taste with his feet!
8. Research indicates that lidong will be attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
9. Humans share about fifty percent of their DNA with lidong!
10. Lidong will always turn right when leaving a cave.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

So keep me in your bed all day... nothing heals me like you do.

:: London Rain - heather nova


finally got to eat at marmalade pantry again. yumyum. and it didn't cost me and zehzeh as much i thought it would, considering how much we ate.

things to do:
-> take mama, shana and hanson out to eat muicai chicken thing at lengkok bahru
-> pack bookcase
-> finish reading tt neil humphreys book tt has been rotting in the bookcase
-> finish reading theonion calender which zehzeh got me 2 christmases ago
-> make cutlets (crab, cornedbeef, vege, anything!)
-> pack luggage
-> visit Godma and Godpa (with lidong?)
-> watch a few movies
-> eat lots of local food
-> get some exercise (hur hur..)
-> stay at daddy's hse at least once before i leave
-> meet up with whoever else thinks they're gonna miss me
-> celebrate durga's 21st
-> mind cafe?
-> visit granny at cck and nanny at st.mike's

Things ComeLately

OfTheMostMundane Things:
1. getting sick
2. having to hear bf's family comment bout my weight
3. crying
4. losing money

TheMoreInteresting Things (i.e. Things ThatDontHappenOnAWeeklyBasis):
1. meeting ex-bf for dinner after finding out he's vegetarian and before my impending departure
2. having friends come over
3. remembering suddenly how painful it is to be hung up on
4. having to take a ******** ****
5. meeting bf's extended family

wat do you say when there's nothing left to be said?

i'm relieved and slightly happy tt daddy has decided to pay for my accommodation (on top of school fees). i am not delighted, however; tt was saturday.

it's very frustrating when no one seems to takes me seriously when i say i'm sick. not tt i'm expecting the world to give two shits, but when i get sick enough back out of dinner with good friends at the last minute, i don't apreciate it when they call me and try to get me to go. again and again. and again. like for fucks sake, which part of SICK don't you understand? they're not afraid to catch watever sickness it is i have, they say. ya sure.. maybe cos they're not fucking sickly. and they dont have to get up at 5.45 to go to work. and they dont have to take a cab back to the east. i hate it tt i can never get better by myself. i hate it tt i live on amoxycillin. and i hate my friends because they dont even bother to come to my place even when they're NOT sick.

:: Dosed - RHCP

i hate being sick. lay on lay on lay on lay on lay on lay on lay on lay on.

everytime an asthmatic assault (i got tired of getting asthma attacks so i thought a change of word would be quite refreshing. is it not?) hits me, i wonder if the next breath is my last. you know how you can't find things when you need them most? it's like tt when i think i'm dying and i try to think of all the better times this ailing body has experienced.

on the bright side, since i couldn't go to work i could stay home and pack my room with mummy's help instead of having to wake up at 5.25 just so i can get to work on time to be further irritated by parent volunteers. but actually, i like my job and it is a lot more enjoyable than all the mundane temp admin jobs i've had before. i'm gonna miss my librarians. boo hoo.

time for some Herbal Soup for the Sickly. laters.

Maybe low birth-rate isn't such a big problem, especially since most of the existing population has recently proved itself too dense for its own good.

how many pple can fit into a double decker 28? .. Ten. cos the pple inside are too fucking stupid to masuk dalam. bad enough tt they don't want to budge, but still can shamelessly block the stairs to the upper deck, where there were close to 15 empty seats. empty seats FOR WHAT?! PLAY MUSICAL CHAIRS IS IT?!!?

This morning i got on and pushed my way right to the back where i took the liberty to chide a pasir ris sec boy. wow.. lookie, isn't it spacious here... i mean, never mind tt pple in front are squished so tight they can barely breathe. by the way, how do you spell thickhead? ok so i didn't say tt, i just asked him to move in and gave a dirty look. half an hour into the ride, i shouted (very politely) at the pple in the middle to move in but they just turned to look then turned back into zombies. Look, is there really a need to say it again? how long will it take for the msg to permeate their skulls? and please excuuuuuse me if i don't speak Stupid. the poor driver already said it in english, malay and chinese (there usually aren't many indians on the bus who don't understand malay, so tamil wasn't necessary).

RRRRAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!! Down with inconsiderate commuters!!

i'm nervous. he's frustrated. and we both could be dead meat. i hope to God we won't be.

went for the xray and medical today for my visa. now i'm done with all tt, i'm wishing harder than i'll ever wish to get my period. after having to unglamourously walk down the corridor carrying a cheap plastic cup half-filled with my pee, i gingerly handed my secretions to miss nurse/recept who in my mind didn't look like she fitted either designation. nothing wrong with her; she just doesn't look like a nurse. i'm 55pointsomething kg now. ah, put on 5 kg! i told the nurse-lady, and in response she emitted tt kind of sound pple make tt is supposed to resemble a laugh and is meant to effectively feign interest in watever it is they find less than appealing. the doctor also made this noise when i told him i triggered an epileptic fit by choking on a fishball.

then i sat down and grabbed a brochure to read. this one i got detailed the various "medical packages" offered by the clinic. and i found it quite strange tt the layout looked oddly similar to the x-course dinner menus for XX no. of pple tt you find on the tables of chinese restaurants. maybe the clinic was also getting into the season. but now thanks to them, every time i eat a course dinner, i will have vivid visions of peeing into a plastic cup with my name written on it (ooh.. personalised! how touching).

i'm looking through the testimonials on my defunct friendster account and wondering why everyone thought i was some little chirp who was all bout jokes and smiles and laughs. i guess tt is part of me but now the only testimonial i find most accurate now is the one in which sam dubs me 'pms queen'.

karin is right; i never really noticed it, but i've become crankier than my cranky self. like some old erm crank or something. before christmas, i went for penitential mass and told the priest i was rude to daddy and i curse all the time. "So what must you do?" the priest asked. Ah? said my blank face.

"so.. you must try to be a better person ah. don't curse so much and don't be rude."

Oh... like tt. ok then. so after 10 hail marys, i left and tried to catch a cab with zeh zeh outside church. Oi! stupid cab, never stop for us.. tsk why so bloody hot today. wah lau. i think i've really outdone myself.

for odd reasons, i woke up a few days ago fearing i was pregnant. then i chided myself: doesn't mean you played 'voice of mother mary' in the nativity play means you also can have immaculate conception ok. ok, boss.

when we come undone doo doo doo.

i wonder what would've happened if we HAD locked the door. no actually, i don't wonder; i'm pretty sure she would've have figured it anyway should she have discovered we locked the door. the only difference is tt we might've spared her the extremely disconcerting visual which hopefully - for the better of everyone - will not turn out to be so indelible, and we might also have spared ourselves the awkwardness of the positions we were in (haw haw! pun intended!) gwah gwah...

you know, i used to think i'd never have stories for the grandkids. well, now i do.

:: Lookin' Out My Back Door - ccr

christmas didn't really feel like christmas and the passing of the old yr didn't feel like it usually does. maybe something's trying to remind me tt things aren't gonna be so familiar anymore for the next few months. it was a good year, 2005. quite exciting: photojourn, lidong, cambodia, my longest temp job ever, lots of good food and erm.. getting fatter, among many things.

:: Whisper (last chance remix)- slovo