The sky is red, I don't understand,
past midnight I still see the land.
People are sayin' the woman is damned,
she makes you burn with a wave of her hand.
The city's ablaze, the town's on fire.
The woman's flames are reaching higher.
We were fools, we called her liar.
All I hear is "Burn!"

I didn't believe she was devil sperm.
She said, "Curse you all, you'll never learn!
When I leave there's no return."
The people laughed till she said, "Burn!"
Warning came, no one cared.
Earth was shakin', we stood and stared.
When it came no one was spared.
Still I hear "Burn!"

You know we had no time,
we could not even try.
You know we had no time.

You know we had no time,
we could not even try.
You know we had no time.

The sky is red, I don't understand,
past midnight I still see the land.
People are sayin' the woman is damned,
she makes you burn with a wave of her hand.
Warning came, no one cared.
Earth was shakin, we stood and stared.
When it came no one was spared.
Still I hear "Burn!"


:: Burn - deep purple


WWOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! haha wat a fun song!

haahhahahahaha i'm having so much fun thinking up names for our band. ahhaha. the zacs have the most hilarious name ideas. cheam directed me to this site.. lagi best haha: http://www.bandnamemaker.com

and he also showed me some youtube link tt showed how to use the vocaliser pedal or something like tt. ahha i never knew these things existed! he suggested getting one cos we got no backing vocals. but i plan to convince terence and/or marcus to do backing. otherwise they should all share the cost of buying me a pedal for our next gig. muahahah. i'm on a roll. i wanna list down all the names we've come up with so far but not now, not till we've actually chosen one. HEHE.

:: Gold 90fm at daddy's hse.

lapster is screwing me over again. as it was restarting, i just had an epiphany. well ok, it's not that dramatic but i just realised that maybe the reason dylan refused to pick up the ph was not tt he was scared i'd be angry but tt he hated hearing me cry. he hated seeing or hearing me cry cos it hurt him. and it hurt him even more knowing tt he made me cry. it always made him angry with himself.
all this shouldn't matter anymore. but it does anyway. oh well.
i want to move on. and i am. lets go!

:: Human - the killers (on mtv)

i havent bought or made anyone anything for xmas. my laziness has gotten the better of me and i know this is not good. next yr will be different and next yr will be better, yes? i haven't stopped reeling from the year. i don't even know how to describe it yet.

got bored and did a random test:

Your Inner Color is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satisfied. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What's Your Inner Color?

i gave in and looked at his msn nickname. i don't know wat i was expecting when i did it; i guess i was hoping he was sick of her already or didn't manage to save enough to go to kk. but i'm a fool- cos dylan gets what dylan wants. i guess it still stings.

i've applied for a couple more jobs and one or two volunteer things. the whole teaching assistant thing has left me thinking maybe it's not gonna work out. i don't think it's a waste leaving it as it is now instead of trying again to get through to them. cos maybe it's a sign i've something more important out there waiting for me. i just wanna do something useful, you know?

my throat is feeling tons better today thanks to danzen the miracle orange pill. being sick has cost me several outings and a jamming session. i'm glad to be getting better. staying at home doing squat wouldn't actually be so bad if it helps me learn more bout myself but i'm not sure i know more right now than i did several weeks ago. i'm lazyindulgentlazyindulgentlazylazylazy- tt i know all too well already.

i'm not in love, no no.

ok this whole retirement things just sucks ass. i'm bored out of my wits. i think it actually wouldn't be so bad if i wasn't sick. then at least i could go out jamming on the weekends and spend the weekdays checkin out gigs, going for a walky walk to keep the blood moving in my system.. instead of planting my ass on the couch the whole day and have mummy nag at me cos she secretly thinks i'm a bum.

plus, i think i have tonsilitis.

but- life has been worse than this yes? ok i'm trying to be optimistic. i'm getting fucking annoyed with all this stupid job searching and having my celta application disappear on the way to the british council... job searching should be fun. i love filling in forms. cept when i have to do the same form twice. i hate having to call people up. i dont like it and i have no explanation. i guess i don't owe anyone one but er ya.

had grand plans to get out of the hse to go check out the band auditions at b&j but mummy is making me go for penitential service with zehzeh at 9pm. TSK. RGH. and the parents aren't going. why? cos they got married outside of the church. why? cos both of them were previously divorced and the church doesn't condone remarriage. why? cos the pple who make up these rules have never been married so wat the fuck do they know bout choosing wrong partners. mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

:: Too Cool To Fall in Love - jill sobule

i am currently feeling just a little bit crappy (as opposed to not feeling crappy at all). i conclude this is because i haven't found any use for myself. when i feel useful, i feel wanted. who doesn't want to feel wanted. la la la.

if i don't write down my agendas, by the follwing day, i'll forget wat i did today. and to me, this is a tragedy. zac asked me wat i'd been up to and i realised i wasn't sure and so i'll start being more diligent in writing dwn the ins and outs of my days, until i get a proper life.

since i've emerged from the nest of lies tt i'd been sleeping in for the past year, i've found blatantly honest pple extremely refreshing. which is why i'm happy i met zac. probably one of the most interesting pple i've met in life. and watever/whoever makes me laugh right now is good.

recovery has been seemingly speedy but ovulation seems to have made me regress. been emoa bit again. but some reminiscing was good- yesterday at times bkshp i was looking at a bunch of dictionaries and phrasebooks. i picked up the chinese phrasebook and suddenly i remembered the day at the hostel when dylan and i were trying to read the chinese phrasebook tt was sitting on the shelf. he had tried to read the phrase tt meant do you have condoms or something like tt, and it was hilarious also because i didn't fucking understand a single word haha.. tt was so much fun. i stood at times and laughed to myself. i have no regrets.


being in the band took up most of last week. it's spposed to make me feel good (i assume) but being around more and more music industry pple has made me feel sadder bout myself. i'm not shit but i feel extremely inadequate. no social capital but worse still, little more musical competence than a halfpast six choirgirl. feels like shit but i guess we ahve to start somewhere. i'm desperately on the lookout for someone patient enough to teach me more. i need a bit of direction.

i have to get down to getting this whole driving thing done too. blurgh. i need a job.

loving duffy right now. so much.

:: Oh Boy - duffy




mcdonalds gig tmr. pls make it go good. please make it go good.

i have dinner tonight with some of the BCs cos makcik nor is goign to oklahoma to finish up her degree. they wanna eat near selegie and the thought of being near little india is making my stomach silly with sick. my toes are curling and the palpitations are gonna split my chest open. i'm not trying to be drama; i haven't felt this anxious in a while, especially over something tt doesn't require me to perform on stage.

i've been thinking bout why i've been feeling the way i've been feeling about this whole thing and doing this helps me deal with it. i've been quite good at avoiding his facebook profile despite not deleting it. i relegated his name to my "ZZfrens" list on msn so tt i don't have to look at his stupid personal msg (the comment you cna insert after your nickname). why don't you just delete his name altogether? good question. i half don't know but i think it makes me feel better knowing tt it's there and i'm building the strength not to look at it. it's always comforting to know where i'm at in terms of personal progress. i realised last night how grateful i am to be back here. i left my tears behind so this is a good place to start again.




colouring tt me and dylan did at sweetlips fish & chips shop in freo. i only did the seaweed. i loved the way he had coloured the fish. and he'd put a lot of effort into it as well. one of my favourite pictures because it was a side of dylan not many pple got to see and it made me feel special and it made me feel he was even more special to me too. i had to take a picture of it before i threw it away.




found this in my stationery case while clearing out my room which will now be brendon's room.


the last supper i cooked for the guys in our set kitchen. stew, using ingredients alex dumped on us frm his stash and frm nat's hse- beef sausages, cabbage, carrots, canned potato leek soup, garlic, onion. with fried corned beef and rice. yum.





my door, before i left. many thanks to alex who showed his support in my diffcult time by occasionally stopping by to embellish dylan's name with illegible scribbles and surrounding it with fuckyous, sampat (i'm guessing he meant sampah), and a good punch in the nether region. i love you too, alex {:o)




















SINGAPORE. i tried to clean up the heaps of personal knick-knacks tt i've been hoarding since eons ago. got pics of a few of the interesting things i've found. lots of other stuff i forgot to take pics of but here's some of the things i never even remembered i had.






i used to keep bus tickets to make bracelets by wrapping them round rubber bands and then varnishing them. i couldn't find any of the braceelts.. they wore out pretty quick so i guess i buang'd them the last springcleaning. but anwyay, sbs tickets went with red ruberbands and the rarer yellow trans-island tickets went with the rarer green rubberbands. budget for jewellery=0$.

daddy was always good to me even though i was always mean to him. i wish i'd learnt earlier how to appreciate the stories he told bout his childhood. now tt i think bout it, they were really interesting but i was a too young to understand tt. he took trans-island buses way more often than me so he collected a whole load of them 'rare' yellow tickets. trouble is i never had enough green rubberbands. i don't even remember tt i had those old mt fraser tickets he mailed me. still, efforts much appreciated. thanks, dad. love you too.


i also found a chinese "essay" i wrote in sec2. i'm surprised the laoshi even gave me 50%. how kind. don't even recall doing this but tt's my writing allright.









terribly written, but my chinese is still so bad, i can't even tell right now how i'd improve it cos i simply don't know how. haha. anyhow, for fodder, it's pretty apt right now. i'm glad to be back.

BACK. and it feels better than ever. {:oD

Discover The Weepies!

pretty pretty song. makes me feel calm.

I hope you're feeling happy now
I see you feel no pain at all it seems
I wonder what you're doin' now
I wonder if you think of me at all
do you still play the same moves now
or are those special moods for someone else
I hope you're feeling happy now

just because you feel good,
doesn't make you right, oh no
just because you feel good
still want you here tonight

does laughter still discover you
I see through all the smiles that look so right
do you still have the same friends now
to smoke away your problems and your life
and how do you remember me
the one that made you laugh until you cried
I hope you're feeling happy now

just because you feel good
doesn't make you right, oh no
just because you feel good
still want you here tonight, want you..

oh, no, just because you feel good
doesn't make you right, oh no
just because you feel good
still want you here tonight, want you..

I wonder what you're doing now
I hope you're feeling happy now
I wonder what you're doing now
I hope you're feeling happy now


:: Hedonism - skunk anansie


i haven't run out of tears, it seems. last night we found out who it was, me and karin. i saw their pictures and i felt like everything was so unfair. she's so young. i bitched, i cried and cried, and still i wonder why. the pictures he takes with her looks like those we used to take cept it used to be me. he looks exactly the same. really makes you wonder doesn't it. seems like he's letting himself be used. i duno what i think of tt but, it's just an observation for now. he's taking her to bali. and it makes me feel bad knowing tt i know exactly where in bali cos he told me 2 months ago tt he'd take me there. i wonder if this girl knows wat she wants in him; are they the same things tt i wanted?

packing up my room now and throwing things out. where do the memories go? i'm not crying tonight (not predictively- or deontically-speaking, but descriptively). nora asked me out to city today and i showed her all my cool northbridge shops. made me feel a bit better. feel a sliver of hopefulness. but it doesn't make any wrongs right, you know?

more BAD NEWS!

channelnewsasia has not failed to maintain the slide in their journalistic standards. you know, if once or twice- i'd take it as an anomaly. but they just keep proving me wrong. what the fuck is -this-?? primary school ah? nvm the structure, but my goodness the english. WTF. appalling sia.

"And if you are ready, Dennis he is about to share a true ghost story with us."

"..he chose to keep mum, bit his teeth and got over with the filming.."

"The director was still oblivious to what was happening until the moment when they were taking the last shot, the director started coughing badly."

it sounds to me like CNA badly needs a subeditor. i know it's time to cut costs but this isn't the way to do it at all, guys.. especially if the editor seems so unabashed about passing off such substandard articles as being newsworthy. it's not someone's blog- it's supposed to be our national news channel. and, if this was directly lifted from a radio interview transcript then all i have to say is WTF. why not have something more singaporeans would be interested in.. say, "How the Lees spend their defamation moolah". i'm not so bothered with what foreigners think of our media, but more with the nonsense that sporeans have to put up with.

so bout this gig right, it's some church function thing. 29 dec - can i make it? wait wait i write in my organiser and then i realised eh alamak why this uwa diary only got until 28 dec. "how lame," i remarked. and he said,"no. it's destiny. the 29 of dec gig is the start of something important. so can ah."

i liked tt. makes me feel like i have something to look forward to. i haven't had that since ten days ago.

gavin spoke to me on msn the other day. random since our interaction is often limited to random eh hi's round the hall; not because we don't like each other but cos tt's just the way things go in life, you know. so anyway, he says he saw my fb status and wanted to ask how i was. it's not tt i think no one cares but i'm really surprised when pple do this. so i tell the truth: could be better.

chunky monkey:
be strong.

JOAQUIN~:
trying not to think too much
thanks

chunky monkey:
haha if u feel bad
u can think of how strong gavin is
HAHA
i kid

JOAQUIN~:
HAHAHHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

chunky monkey:
k tt was meant to be funny..

JOAQUIN~:
ok iwill rememeber tt hahaa

chunky monkey:
but i didnt expect such a huge response

JOAQUIN~:
it was funny hahah
i totaslly wasnt expecting tt

chunky monkey:
what
dont i give u the impression tt im strong

JOAQUIN~:
i mean i wasnt expecting you to say tt

chunky monkey:
jeez

JOAQUIN~:
hahaha thanks ttwas funny

chunky monkey:
i rem the last time round u sent out this msg on ip
'morning has broken; so has my heart'
WAHLAO. do u remember tt. drama

JOAQUIN~:
hah when was tt > oh was tt last yr?
when i broke up with my other bf

chunky monkey:
i think it was 6am during exam time

JOAQUIN~:
haha wow i neevr realised i was so poetic
haha yaya

chunky monkey:
pls LOR same lah. can attach a song to the msg somemore

JOAQUIN~:
haha wat song i sent ah? haha

chunky monkey:
tsk michelle branch

JOAQUIN~:
hahaha oh ya hahahhaa funny

chunky monkey:
good tt u know. hope u didnt do the same thing again

JOAQUIN~:
you never get my msg this timw round? the otehr day i sent out a msg with a song also

chunky monkey:
im not on ip

JOAQUIN~:
oh ya

chunky monkey:
did u really send another one

JOAQUIN~:
i sent A&E by goldfrapp
and i said "pain is an accident. so is love" ya

chunky monkey:
can u pls change pattern

JOAQUIN~:
and then yesterday i sent out a funny song. called "i'll kill her" by soKo. and i jyst wrote "funny song"

chunky monkey:
alamak invading ppl's privacy

JOAQUIN~:
i cannot express myself properly wat. must speak in song

chunky monkey:
growl
roar
i like to do tt.
sounds can do the job.

JOAQUIN~:
i duno how to share sorrow , only know how to share joy
so let the song do it for me lah. good right
hahahaha wtf gavin haahhaaa

chunky monkey:
its part of my nature
im abit animalistic

JOAQUIN~:
okok thanks. i had to know hah

chunky monkey:
everyone has their animal side

JOAQUIN~:
mm true

chunky monkey:
but not everyone is a gorilla/tiger/lion

JOAQUIN~:
HAHAHAHAHAA well lucky you , then

chunky monkey:
laugh at me again

JOAQUIN~:
hahaha

chunky monkey:
thanks

JOAQUIN~:
no no laugh WITH you? cmon.. laugh along

chunky monkey:
ur like a bird person

JOAQUIN~:
eee

chunky monkey:
u always give me a floating on air vibe

JOAQUIN~:
hahaha floating air? how come
floating on air i mean

chunky monkey:
ur like a 21st century hippie
the vibe u give me

JOAQUIN~:
aw.. thanks
i like tt.. "21st century hippie". sounds good

chunky monkey:
hahaha
keep the name then
its yours

JOAQUIN~:
hah thanks
im actaully scared of heights though.. so i dont think id liek to be a brid

chunky monkey:
k i need to study
cant make u smile forever

JOAQUIN~:
ya ya me too
hahah
thanks anyway
that was a nice gesture
mcuh appreciated

chunky monkey:
there are flightless birds

JOAQUIN~:
oh ya ah
ok can. i be bird then.

chunky monkey:
like turkey

JOAQUIN~:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA
okok go study. all the best for your papers

chunky monkey:
(smiley)

JOAQUIN~:
(very smiley smiley)

chunky monkey:
(hug)

JOAQUIN~:
(sheep)
mornite

"Oh don't talk of love" the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
"Don't talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that's ever true
There's nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do... "
Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream's the same
Every night I burn

:: Burn - the cure


zac's asking me to play an xmas gig for his friend. considering. he wants to "make a name" for ourselves. i'm not terribly interested in tt, really. i wanna make pple feel good and tt's bout it.

shower. wake up early. please.

i had a merman. i only had one. mine.

mummy, where is my merman?

... quelqu'un m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore, c'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore. Serais-ce possible alors ? (carla bruni)

et c'était toi, toi qui me l'a dit ça. mais est-ce que tu le dirais maintenant?


Hit me in the gut like a brick through a window, left me in the gutter like a wet news rag. Sitting alone, thinking out the times we never had, cos you were my life. (nofx)

It's only lies that I'm living. It's only tears that i'm crying. It's only you that i'm losing. Guess I'm doing fine. (beck)

I miss you and me. Is it done and over this time? Have we really changed our minds bout each other's love, all the feelings that we used to share. I refuse to believe that you don't care. (klymaxx)

.. I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep. And it's been ten days without you in my reach, And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep. But time has changed nothing at all; you're still the only one that feels like home. I've tried cutting the ropes, tried letting go. You're still the only one that feels like home. So tell me, did you really think... oh tell me, did you really think I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore? (missy higgins)

Another party's over and I'm left cold sober. My baby left me for somebody new. I don't wanna talk about it, want to forget about it. Wanna be intoxicated with that special brew. So come and get me (queen)

Anyone whos ever had a heart wouldn't turn around and break it. And anyone whos ever played a part wouldn't turn around and hate it (cowboy junkies)

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead. I try and tell myself it'll be all right. I just shouldn't think anymore tonight cos dreams last for so long, even after you're gone. (jewel)

Knowing all the ins and outs of you, I should've known what was on your mind. But all the world is spinning round and round inside my head tonight. I will fall into the darkness and I fear I will never see the light... Through no light the darkness seems to be so very strong. How does one alone against the world find the strength to carry on? What happened to the way we used to love? It seemed as though life had just begun; but now that love has come and gone to fade away, like the setting sun. Cos you won't let me in. (save ferris)

Feels like Im wasting my time, hanging on this same old line. Got to get you off of my mind; theres nothing left for me to find. And all the more I want, all the more I need but all the while you want something more. Theres nothing left for me to say, wanting what I need this way. And when Im feeling low I know I need to stop (train)

I tune into love, then I see it all start to crumble. I needed your heart. (little birdy)

Where are we? what the hell is going on? The dust has only just begun to form. Crop circles in the carpet. Sinking feeling. Spin me round again and rub my eyes, this can't be happening. When busy streets amass with people would stop to hold their heads heavy... Oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life. Mmm what you say- that you only meant well? well of course you did. Mmm what you say- that it's all for the best? Of course it is. Mmm what you say- that it's just what we need. You decided this. What you say? What did you say? (imogen heap)

Love of my life, don't leave me. You've taken my love and now desert me. Love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back. don't take it away from me because you don't know what it means to me. You will remember when this is blown over and everything's all by the way. When I grow older, I will be there at your side to remind you how I still love you. I still love you. (queen)


i was a good holiday, wasn't i, dylan? oh god..i feel sick again.

When you go, would you even turn to say
"I don't love you like I did yesterday"

:: I Don't Love You - my chemical romance

:: Brick - ben folds five

decided today to find out wat this song was really about cos i've always wondered. it's apparently about ben folds and his then partner getting an abortion. and now i'm listening to it and understanding the words, it's strangely chilling.

(i still want dylan's babies.)

i'll always remember that mummy once told me tt every song has a story. this was years and years ago, like in pri sch and i don't even remember what we were talking bout. i think i'd just asked her what a particular song was about. anyway, tt comment always stuck hard and fast and after tt, i couldn't stop listening to songs just for their stories. it made a lot of difference once i knew what a song was about. brought listening to music to a whole new level.

sometimes i think bout the things i remember from my childhood: the time my K2 teacher ling-laoshi shared her jacket with me - she used one arm and i used the other and it was so funny to my 6 yr old self. it's still funny now actually. i duno wat the hell we were doing but i'll always remember it. the time a kindergarten classmate told me tt "you're welcome" in chinese was bie ke qi. the first day of pri sch when i was so nervous i puked all over the sch stairs even before class started. and mummy came running back cos she had just said goodbye and she said an older girl was gonna help me but she saw mummy coming so she went bout her own thing. and tt really touched me- tt she wanted to help. when i was 6 and we were taking 228 to the interchange and i got my favourite seat (the single seat right in front tt only the old old buses used to have. and then an old lady came up carrying groceries and asked me in chinese if she could have the seat cos she was tired and she was really grateful when i gave up my seat. i didn't think bout how it mattered but when i went to sit with mummy, she praised me for being a good girl. i was really confused, having little conception of how small or simple gestures fit into the bigger world. i just gave her the seat cos she asked, simple as tt; why these adults so strange, like tt also must make a big deal. but anyway, it kind of put the world into perspective for me- if i could make pple happy just by being obliging like tt, tt'd be pretty cool.

sometimes i think bout the things i remember from my childhood and i remember the things pple did or said tt always stuck with me. and, just out of pure curiosity, i wonder how many pple will be thinking of me in the same way.

just when i thought i'd run out of tears.

i don't know anymore.

i'm giving dylan's things to charity. some guy in the hall is going to bali with his gf for volunteer work and is asking for donations. i'm giving a bunch of my clothes, including my blue dylan shirt. tt i love so much. i think it will do me good to stop looking at it though. dylan's two shirts. his special edition Annie dvd. i'm sure the kids in bali will enjoy tt one. i'm not doing this out of spite; anyway dylan wouldn't have minded giving to a good cause. he always talked bout the time he did volunteer work in east timor. i felt bad giving away his dvd but i know he won't mind. he's like a little boy, dylan. and an escapist. tt's one of the reasons why we always needed row wow around. it was difficult for him to say sorry, it was difficult for him to be mushy, but row wow could do all tt cos she was a cute stuffed toy dog. she'd kick him when he said mean things to me, and she'd threaten not to share her food with him, and she'd kiss me and make it all ok. and when i think bout it sometimes, i feel the worst for row wow right now. imagine being a child caught in the middle of all this.. she'll have to deal with having a new momma row. will she be good to my little baby? it hurts.

one of the reasons why i loved dylan (and never told him bout) was tt i saw beneath his hardy exterior, a boy wanting to love, wanting to be loved, wanting to do just wat he wanted. sometimes he was mean, angry and curt but when he learned to accommodate me in his life, it was beautiful. because love is about compromise.. right? i really respected tt dylan never compromised his happiness for anything. but i guess tt's also why he's with someone else today. i wish it could've been me to make him the happiest in the world. it hurts.

i duno what hurts more. i see myself being able- though it will take a while- to come to terms with the fact that he left me because he was being true to himself. if this is indeed the way fate (see:God) will have it for him. but what pains me so much right now is tt he never bothered to tell me. not even through Row wow. maybe row wow was too busy crying. it's crazy tt he would think leaving without saying goodbye would be the best for me, assuming he spared me a thought. it's hard for me to come to terms with this, all while believing tt what we had was great and true and tt the promises he had made were honest ones in the time tt they were made. it's crudely dissonant. and it hurts.

i woke up today with the thought floating around me tt there's no such thing as free love. love is never free. i don't mean this in terms of cost really; but once you give your love to something, it pretty much attaches itself to the thing you're giving it to, and this kind of entails you getting tied up as well. i can personally vouch for the wonderful feeling this brings. love held on to by the giver and the given. the only problem is when someone lets go. love sticks on. it's never free. i knew there was a catch...

maybe it's tt aussie girl carrie. good for him then, maybe now he can go and get his stupid aussie pr which i never really cared about. it's killing me that i know so little. i feel sick i think i need to puke.

:: I'll Kill Her - soKo

HAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHA!!!! thanks karin {:oD


...
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future, she broke my dream
i'll kill her, i'll kill her
she stole my future when she took you away

i would have met your friends, we would have had a drink or two
they would have liked me, 'cause sometimes i'm funny
i would have met your dad, i would have met your mum
she would have said "please, can you make some beautiful babies?"

so we would have had a boy called tom and a girl called susan, born in japan
...

wat a classic. with the french accent and all tt reminds me of tiphaine. hah.

pain is an accident. so is love. and i'm accident-prone. he told me i was the best thing that ever happened to him and tt no one else ever loved him as much but that he had found someone he could love more.

i'm the best but apparently not best enough.

i can't stop the raining, the raining in my heart. before i found out last night, i had decided in the morning that i was gonna wait. i knew he had problems and i said i think i'll wait them out. i refused to believe that someone who loved me so much would just leave it without a good reason. he told me before that his exgf had left him without a single word, without telling him why and he searched months and months for her only to find out she went to becoem someone's mistress. and he said that if i ever left, he'd search the world for me because i'm worth all that and more. i thought bout that and so i decided to wait.

it hurts so much. we were gonna get married. we had already named our kids, remember? this sucks. and don't worry- i already changed my mind bout the waiting.

:: A & E - goldfrapp

just for now. get me outta here get me outta here get me outta here.

i can't stop the raining inside. why why why why. why would you do something like tt. why would you hurt me like tt. i guess you don't miss me so much anymore then. why. why why why why why why why. why, dylan?

it's pouring in my heart.

wat's worse than finding out i just got dumped via my facebook is my parents finding out i just got dumped via their facebook. and then calling me to ask me what it was all bout.

it's been a shit past two weeks. contracted two viruses - one flu-like, one rashes tt are killer-itchy. tt's not even the worst. i dont like wallowing in self-pity but the ast two weeks i've just been breaking down and having crying attacks. i wake up, i feel like dying, throughout the day i find myself constantly holding back tears. i just wanted to go home. you know? i hate being unproductive in times when unproductivity has no meaningful end. this semester, work seems harder than usual and i know that it's just me. it's not like the work is getting ridiculously harder. it's just me. and it's frustrating cos i duno what's going on with me. everyday i wake up and all i can think of is how much i don't wanna be here. and when dylan called me, he'd say how much he wants to be in perth and it just doesn't make me feel any better. [occasionally he makes comments bout how i don't understand cos my family and my friends are all so well off. i cannot disagree where family is concerned- not everyone in my family is rich but we all live relatively comfortably but all through hard work. i don't feel it's fair to say all my friends are rich cos he's only met the ones in perth and obviously the ones who are here are fortunate enough to have the resources to be here.

it's almost comical, the thing tt has kept me going the past few days. i'm glad to have friends like joe and malcolm who look out for me. in a discussion bout jambans and tandas over dinner on fri or sat, joe said to someone: You think you're getting shit? Thank God you're not a toilet bowl! they get shit everyday.

i thought bout tt seriously because i'd been REALLY feeling so crappy. and it made me smile. so at mass on sunday, i said to God: Thanks for not making me a toilet bowl. and then i had to control my laughter for the rest of the mass.

today was a good day till somewhere round 9.20. i stayed up all night and all day to force 2500 words out of my ass and finally handed in the music essay at 3.29pm. it felt so good knowing i was so much closer to being home. called dylan to wish him belated birthday and to ask why he hadn't called me and when did he get back from KL and tt row wow couldn't find him at the sausage factory. (he was at work, and i was calling from my hp "ok ok you go work. byebyedahling. love you!" "okok bye bye"). then recieved an email frm french embassy telling me tt my application for job in new caledonia had past the due date so no more NC job for me. then dinner, free yoga class then watched some touching video on the oprah site tt got me crying in less than a min. then sarah palin prank video etc. and then-- i don't know why it's taken me so long to come to this point, but we're here anyway----- then i logged onto facebook and found out tt my boyfriend had unceremoniously dumped me this morning circa 5.15.

i'm getting very upset over so many things these past few days. so many things, tt i don't even know where to start. i have to find a way to make myself productive and emotionally gratified because if i don't i'm just gonna keep getting upset and become even sicker than i already am and i'll probably die of an asthma attack cos my ventolin inhaler is expired and can feel an asthma attack creeping in. i think it's one of the most exasperating ways to die. because there is so much oxygen around and i try and i try to take it in but my body refuses to let me and there's nothing i or anyone else can do. i don't wanna die tonight. i'd be really upset if i had to die without having children. and it'd be really sad to know tt my last meal was currie hall dinner. tragic... i know.

i wish the doctor gave me some medicine today. i've been getting itchy rashes on random parts of my torso for the past few weeks and now i have flu-like symptoms. i waited half an hr at the uni med ctr only to have the dr tell me tt i have two viral infections, but she can't do anything bout it so just eat fruits and take panadols. how bout my delirium? will panadol cure tt too? when i'm lying in bed and it's noisy outside, i feel agitated and i start to imagine things and when i fall half asleep, i get nightmares i can't escape from. and it really gets to me; when i wake up, it takes at least a couple of hours to feel functional again. sometimes i wish pple wouldn't think i'm just being strange when i tell them these things.

i was awoken this morning again by the sound of wat i now think is the rubbish truck (again, since this happened before on another random morning in the random past). actually i was awoken by the sound of what i thought was someone having sex. it sounded like a girl orgasing (i say it's a word, so it is. besides, orgasming sounds as ridiculous and if i'm gonna say something ridiculous, it might as well be more original)... by the way, it's not like i woke up because i wanted to carry on listening to someone have sex; the fact that i woke up to a sound and tt sound happened to resemble a cry of sexual pleasure (pain?) is a complete coincidence. anyway, so i was lying under my blanket for the longest time, with my eyes closed, trying to figure out if it was **** and ****** cos after all, ramadan is already over... and i then i thought how it was amazing tt pple could have so much energy in the morning and then i thought again (since i've thought it before): oh no... i wonder what the upstairs neighbours must've been thinking when dylan was here since me and him are quite noisy... then i thought maybe tt's why they're not giving a fuck tt i can hear them- they must be taking revenge! and then i realised tt it might be the rubbish truck in the tomy more driveway/carpark tt was making all tt whining and groaning. and then i thought again (since i've thought it before) how amazing it was that a lot of things (and pple) sounded like a lot of other things (and other pple) and our reality of what is making wat sound is all in our mind. like how i once heard footsteps in the dark and had to stand there for a long while before i finally decided that it was the sound of rainwater dripping off the roof. and then i thought bout zac's ridiculously huge effects pedal tt he showed us last night (and by effects pedal, i do mean effects pedal, and nothing else) and how he had painted some pedals a different primary colour each and how it resembled the kind of little tykes toy tt emitted a different animal sound with the push of each button. and zac used his effects pedal (i really do mean effects pedal) together with his guitar to make the sound of an trumpeting elephant. it was really cool. it was so cool i made him do it again. and then at tt point i opened my eyes and looked at my hp and realised it was 8.38am and suddenly i heard little henry the vacuum cleaner. and i sighed cos i'd just wasted some 10 mins thinking bout sex and rubbish trucks and trumpeting elephants when i could've tried to catch more sleep before little henry came to zoopzoop my room floor.

dylan just smsed me a real emo msg and then i panicked and went on msn to see if he was online then i called him. i know something is wrong but he's refusing to tell me cos he says i need to concentrate on my work and all that. i guess he doesn't realise not telling me is making me worry more. maybe tt's why i can't concentrate on my work- cos we have an affinity between us and if he's feeling down i feel down too even when i don't know he's feeling down. am i clear? i suddenly feel like i'm speaking gibberish.

at lunch today limin was just talking bout some couple who found out that they were actually half siblings; both their mothers had used sperm from the same donor. and limin was like: but didn't they suspect something when they met since they both had the same coloured hair, same allergies blablah. and then i thought bout dylan and me. i'd be soooo upset if we couldn't have kids cos we were found to be related. and i thought bout my unusually-extended family (since mummy's father had another family whom i've neevr met and daddy's father was some rich man wholeft granny before daddy was born cos his first wife didn't approve of her or something). the only way i want to be related to dylan is by marriage.

God i rreeally neeed unearthly help if i'm gonna graduate this sem.

oh my god! daily just called me! haha so cute. she said she really misses me. she's still teaching english grammar at a language sch in korea and (this is really funny...) she gives her students english nicknames and apparently AMELIA is a very popular name haha. she also uses Alfred, Rae and Zhong Yu (i guess she doesn't realise this isn't really an eng name...). how cute anyways. ah, so proud of her.. my first eng student. it was really nice to hear from her.

there's some fireworks nonsense going on in kings park and its kind of giving me goosebumps. sounds like bombs going off and makes me think bout all those war videos we had to wtach in sec sch. *shudder*

sometimes i get that deja vu feeling.. just like that (<--- click). God knows why...

mais merde alors... kest-ce k'il est banal, le journal de singapour! c tjrs la même chose, hein. et où est-elle, mon action?? on devrait partager l'argent, non? ou a-t-il déjà été fiché dans le cul de qqn? ah?



:: Raphaël - carla bruni

when i'm emotionally riled up the way i am now and have a motherload of sch work to do, i have trouble deciding if the emotions are getting in the way of my work or the work is getting in the way of my emotions. a confusion of priorities.

i know i should be thankful tt i have time to get angry. if you really think about it, not everyone has tt luxury. sometimes being this lucky (blessed?) makes me nervous. will i wake up one day and find it all gone? though if it all went to someone deserving (in a kind of pass the parcel kind of way), i wouldn't be so devastated. or would i?

i hate it when someone says to me "but tt's life, what" in an attempt to make an excuse for why man-made things can't be changed. so just don't help pple who are suffering in the war lah.. tt's life what, no? change unfair government policies? but how to? - tt's just life what?

if someone died of a heart attack and i was mourning and you told me: "but shit hey tt's life". i might beat the shit out of you for your lack of tact but at the back of my mind i'll know you're right; we can try all we could but everyone dies because death does not discriminate. But, if you told me something like i'm dumber cos i'm (insert race/ethnicity here) and that's good reason for you to be racist against me "but tt's life, wat", i can safely say that i will beat the shit out of you and i won't stop until your eyes are hanging out of their sockets and your blood has produced a beautiful piece of impressionist artwork on the ground.

i hope i've made my point. you bloody ass-sucking bitch.

:: Consequence - the notwist

You're the colour,
you're the movement and the spin.
Never
Could it stay with me the whole day long
Fail with consequence, lose with eloquence
and smile.
I'm not in this movie
I'm not in this song.
Never
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.

You're the colour,
you're the movement and the spin.
Never
Could it stay with me the whole day long
Fail with consequence, lose with eloquence
and smile.
You're not in this movie
You're not in this song.
Never
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.


just saw love guru hah. and the funniest part for me was actually justin timberlakes pretty accurate quebecois accent. totally reminds me of fabienne. hah. this song reminds me of ottawa cos i first heard it on radioblogclub one night sitting in my room stoning and fantasising bout weknowwho.

tonight's nice. i got some music readings done in the comp lab just now. only two weeks' worth but a good start i guess. better than no start at all, ya? it's quiet this week, and calm tonight. the last of the credits are rolling off the screen, and i hear malcolm's 'i'm back....'. hah. it's nice here, you know? like, in this set, i mean. i could live like this forever. i've got one younger brother (malcolm) and one older brother (joe), and the part-time brothers geoff and alex. and then there's edward. and then janan. like a happy family. i wonder sometimes why i feel so comfortable hanging with guys (more so than with girls). i feel safe and i really like this, you know? i hope things won't change even when dylan and i get married. i've never actually hung out with the guys while dylan is around. so i dunno how it'll all work out.

God, please protect my baby and keep him safe till we meet again.

ah.. the notwist.

ODD SPOTS. (courtesy of libra invisible regular pads)

Vintage port takes 40 years to reach maturity.

Around four billion litres of petroleum is consumed throughout the world each day.

Blype is the name given to skin that peels off after sunburn.

The largest pumpkin ever grown recorded a weight of 482kg.

A lungfish can live out of water in suspended animation for three years.

Propotionately, Earth's atmosphere is thinner than the skin of an apple.

Road runner has only been caught by Wile E. Coyote once, on 21 May 1980.

Bananas grow on plants that are giant herbs, and are related to the lily and orchid family.



:: the music coming from quresh's and jj's rms upstairs


dylan is reaching land next tues. and then he'll be able to call me. i find myself excited bout this. maybe this is what they mean when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. i like it how i seem to be discovering all the clichés of what they call true love. it's scary but so addictive. but not addictive in the unhealthy adolescent obsessive or sexual way tt i've only ever experienced before all this. i love dylan. {:o))))


i kind of like this semester even though i don't feel very hopeful bout it academically. lots of events. lots of hanging out with the guys. which is fun and lighthearted but meaningful at the same time. no major emo distractions. a good dose of activities- outside of the usual academic nonsense; and they're all firsts too. yay! haha. like the french play i went for with erika and nadya, the city-to-surf marathon, the 'warming' of our set yesterday, jamming with ze band, being a subject for HM and psyc experiments, learning to play mahjong at dan's, or just being busy round the kitchen making apple chips and other random experiments. and tmr i'm going to ina's place in mt lawley for an oxfam morning tea. haha i'm so excited.





long time no see cheryl and even longer time no see karin. time's passing a lot faster now tt the assignmts have come in and this means good things and bad. i duno wat my point is right now.

i'm looking up applications for busking right now. gotta think of ways to raise money so we can build a music room for the hall. i'm beginning to regret signing up for pilates cos i duno if i'll have time to make my money worth. but then again, there's always time, if you bother to set some aside.

:: I Sing I Swim - seabear (on nad's blog)

let's have a little direction, shall we? i don't realise sometimes how good i have it. the better you have it, the worse it can get; because the higher you are, the further you can fall. i have to do my shit good so i can make time to help others in need.

:: LING 2240 ilecture - john henderson

found some interesting things on the net while busy being distracted.

i was thinking bout my EURO2210 reading on Romani in Europe and i went to search for a meaning of the word and if it could be used as a nice babyname. instead i found this:
50 craziest celebrity baby names

haha.. Audio Science! Camera!.. Jermajesty?! Pilot Inspektor?? wtf were these pple thinking?? Moxie CrimeFighter... wah, win already. i actually kind of like Rufus Tiger, Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy. Tallulah and Lennon also sound pretty cool. these pple make me look normal for wanting to call my kids (last time ok.. not anymore) Rainbow Angst (tt's the girl) and Dandy Ellis (boy). haha.

and then while looking for some essay guidelines frm the music faculty website, i wandered onto this page: The Arts Peacocks. 3 yrs here and i never knew those peacocks actually had names! amazing. i'm so impressed by the unis efforts to take care of the peacocks. it's so australian to do these strange but cute things. i wish we'd get shit like this in spore. i can imagine if they put a peacock in nus or something, they'd start charging it rent. then later evict it for shitting all over the place. not nice.

it's nice how for the most part, australians or at least west australians, don't seem to care when things don't look thaaaat fabulous. like how some parts of uni look a bit oldish and some walkways aren't smoothly-paved and stuff or sometimes covered with leaves, and how in summer tt huge tree in uni drops smelly fruit on the main pathway and pple step all over it and the whole pathway is coated with an uneven layer of smelly fig-like fruit and no one really gets worked up or overly concerned. i remember a big berry tree at bedok reservoir between my blk and another and the berries stained the whole walkway purple and then they removed the tree. i was like OI WHERE'S MY BERRY TREE. and then there was this nangkah tree by the rd in front of my blk and they had to remove tt as well "cos the birds kept eating the jackfruit". er... duh.. you put free jackfruit there who dont want to take? the trees were replaced with small sad-looking lousy excuses of trees tt were hardly taller than my pri sch self. of course, i must consider the fact tt im no botanist and i duno the REAL reasons they removed those trees but still, i can't help but feel upset. progress is good i guess but in spore, it always feels like they keep taking away my past. like as if a bit of imperfection is gonna make pple think less of us or make us less functional as a developed nation.

meh meh meh.

so anyhoo.. cette nuit-la etait plein de distractions. je cherchais de la musique francais-algerienne ou francaise-arabique. voila ce que j'ai trouvé: Amel Bent . force est d'agréer, ça c'est vraiment la mariah carey de la france. quelle belle voix.

oh ya, before i forget- i'm gonna apply for a temp job as english teaching assistant in new caledonia. it's actually offered only to aussies by the french embassy here but i wrote them and told them i wanted it and the guy said he's ok with it, but can't guarantee i won't have problems on the N-C side. so i'm applying anyways woohoo. dylan's excited too puisque la nouvelle calédonie a la deuxième barrière de corail au monde (la première est la grande barrière de corail de Queensland). i hope it all works out. i'm actually quite worried we'll be financially strapped in the near future. then the children how?

in other news, i've been thoroughly enjoying the french lit book for this sem << La vie devant soi >>. everyone who reads french MUST read this bk cos it's just so good. or find the eng version.

just had the best jam session ever. great singing and playing and improvisations, no tense moments, no one getting high and not paying attention, no one talking bout getting high and not paying attention, and a good dose of spontaneity. yay!
i still have to work on remembering the lyrics though- if i don't want to be holding them on stage. we're doing stadium arcadium by rhcp and no, woman, no cry with a bit of stir it up at the beginning. i'm surprising myself. i never thought i'd grasp a reggae song so quickly, cos it's not a style i'm very familiar with. i kind of give my musical background away at a few moments but i think it's kind of cool in an idiosyncratic way so i'm really really happy with today's jamming. yay! though i might just have to sing holding the words. yay anyways. hope tmr is as good {:o)

:: Here in Your Arms - hellogoodbye

i feel an immense emptiness floating round me now that dylan has gone back. i don't wanna go to bed but there's nothing else i can think of to do anymore. spent a productive two hours clearing up my room and throwing out old trash and stuff after getting back from the airport.

another lame report from CNA... UGH!
is it just me? i'm so sick of their retarded reports. super no standard. first it was tt shockingly horrid video report bout the MALAY BABY GIRL being killed by a man who was found to be her father. "the baby and her mother were living at this blk- AMK Ave xx, Blk xx, where i am standing at now. this was found to be a shelter for young unwed pregnant mothers and according to our research, it is run by the catholic health services. standing outside the shelter, i can hear the cries of babies and the chatter of people...." -primary sch oral exam ah? TSK. and according to your research (no shit. it's a news channel. i'd be extremely worried if anything you said was not based on any research/investigation. and just go on and on bout the address of the shelter.. nvm tt it's it's spposed to be (used to be) a safe place for unwed mothers to hide from their abusive bfs etc. blahblablah. i could go on. anyway, here is the latest one:


Opposition member may have called the police to arrest his wife

SINGAPORE: Opposition party member Tan Lead Shake is reported to have called the police to arrest his wife in the murder case at their Paya Lebar Crescent home on Saturday.

Police later arrested his 26—year—old China—born wife for the murder of Tan’s brother and slashing his sister—in—law who is said to be in a stable condition at Tan Tock Seng Hospital.

The murder and slashing took place at a Paya Lebar Crescent bungalow after an early morning quarrel.

Channel NewsAsia understands opposition party member Tan Lead Shake called the police after he was asked by his China—born wife to meet her at Victoria Street. This request came after she had stabbed Tan’s brother and slashed his wife, also from China.

The day after the murder, Tan and his sister—in—law’s mother were seen entering the house to collect some items. The woman was crying and shouting in dialect that "all hope is gone".

There were still blood stains from the front of the house to the back gate.

Over at the mortuary, police were seen helping to calm down other relatives.

Tan’s wife will be charged in court on Monday and faces the death penalty if found guilty.

The murder case is of interest as the husband of the accused is opposition party member Tan, who was dubbed ’The Slipper Man’ for his preference for wearing flip flops when he contested previous general elections. — CNA/vm


(http://sg.news.yahoo.com/cna/20080630/tap-357130-231650b.html)


oposition leader- WAH biiiiiiiiiig news. nvm then a human being killed another. but her husband is the reason this report is sooo interesting, you know. opposition leader LEH. my eyes are almost rolling themselves away. it seems almost as a joke tt they added that last line.

it's starting to get to me. i hate it how we keep fighting. then i cry, then he tells me i cry cos i'm so weak, that i'm immature and can't handle my emotions. crying=immaturity, selon lui. je suis pas d'accord. pas du tout.

so the one thing we can both agree on is tt zehzeh's bf sean is fucking annoying. only thing is, i have high tolerance and i'm kindof resigned to the fact tt i'm gonna have to tahan him as long as zehzeh likes him. dylan, on the other hand, is not accustomed and less than willing to bend over backwards for anyone whom he doesn't give a shit for, let alone anyone he can't stand. then now their flight has been postponed and this shits up things for our schedule and dylan is annoyed and i'm trying to be the middle man and the caring sister and the considerate gf all at the same time but it's driving me crazy. and then dylan says "fuck it lah. you pple go do watever you want." OFFLINE.

so now i'm part of you pple. very nice. VERY nice. you have a nice day too, dahling. my bf is so mature, he can't control his temper. why should i be feeling so worthless inside. i feel like i'm the reason everyone is coming here and i don't think i'm really worth the trouble if it's only gonna make everyone so worked up. i seem to be making dylan very unhappy. maybe he should reconsider wanting to marry me. i believe my existential purpose is to make others happy. i'd rather vanish into thin air than know tt my existence feeds a loved one's unhappiness. i wish i could be everything you need and want. not so naggy, more concerned with outdoorsy spontaneous things, not so emotional, not so unappreciative bla bla blah. i'm not and if i make you so unhappy, then you don't need me in your life. it's sad and it's too bad for me but tt's the way things go, everyone has their place. i don't need your charity, i will make myself useful elsewhere.

jveux plus essayer jveux plus essayer.

the sky had been groaning for a while but the rain only started to descend as i was putting the phone down. literally, man. i looked out the window, the phone almost touching the receiver i watched in amusement as the leaves started to quiver strangely, like in a timelapse documentary. part of the strangeness was from the fact that each leaf moved by itself, sporadically and only in sync with itself. the air was still and so the branches were still and the only movement was the leaves quivering, like... a bit like many many many medium-sized green butterflies being random the way butterflies always seem to be. i thought i had to write it down, in case i forgot.

:: How Soon Is Now - morrissey (playing in my head)

you shut your mouth
how can you say i go about things the wrong way?
i am human and i need to be loved
just like everybody else does.


it's not even 11.46 in the morning and i'm up. this seems to be the reason why the view outside my window looks a bit different today (despite the fact that the sky has been overcast all day for the past few days). smells diff too. i smell nostalgia. and the phlegm stuck at the back of my throat.

when i'm feeling good and calm like tt, i'm always afraid to change my environment for fear of losing this feeling. i just switched on the heater and even this makes me worry. why do things like tt make a difference to me?


i still haven't gotten a job. tt cheapo looking place said they'd hire me on the spot but i'm kind of unwilling to give up my time right now. guess i shouldve asked them when i first got back cos i was so much free-er then. ive not been very good to keeping within my means this sem. not tt ive been spending often. the most worth it thing ive done this sem is probably pilates. it's one of the reasons i'm not free for a job but it also makes me feel good. (oh ya, i forgot to tell you, yesterday i found my butt *wooohoo!*. at ifrst i thought it was just cos i was arching my back too mcuh btu i found tt even when i didn't arch my back, my butt stuck out, glowing with newfound perkiness. thank you, pilates instructor. sounds lame but (or.. buTT hur hur..) i was really pleased with this. esp since this makes it easier for clothes to fit nicely and i can actually sEE where my $90 went to.

MEH.

edward just informed me he's moving out next sem. i'm kind of surprised and i think a little upset too. because i feel like despite having known him for only 3 months we're like real good friends (my perception) and we get along really well. plus, alex is moving out too.

was on my way to church when i felt a surge of blood rush to my chest. the kind of feeling you get when you hear bad news and you can literally feel your heart sink. and then i felt like i was going to start sobbing uncontrollably. fuck you, mood swing, FUCK YOU. fucking period. it's so frustrating when these emotions overwhelm me cos i don't have anything to be really sad about yet i feel like crying and i don't even know why. and it really gets me down. and it's really draining. i came back, had dinner and then knocked out for almost four hours.

well i guess i have something to be upset bout now tt two of my favourite boys are moving out frm hall. maybe my heart is clairvoyant.

wat is a deictic centre?
"A deictic center is a reference point in relation to which a deictic expression is to be interpreted."

wah soooooooooo FUUUUUCKING helpful. i hate it when pple don't answer my questions. pet peeve.

i told dylan we shouldn't have sex every single day that he is here (when he is here). i cannot imagine having enough energy. and i don't want the novelty of it to wear off. plus, if we know we're gonna do it every night, then it becomes predictable and might become (oh my, pls no) a bane. dahling says agreed. now i'm excited haha. cos now i won't know which days he's gonna grab me from behind and make sweet love to me. our rd trip just got a little more exciting. hah.

i've been doing ok in my work. good grades, in fact (for french only) but i'm not confident i'll pass cos the biggies looming ahead also happen to be the toughies. bonne chance, moi. merci, j'en ai vraiment besoin.

winamp was on random play last week when this song came on:

There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're...
You're something else

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I've ever had
And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better... better...

You are my real Prince Charmin'
Like the heat from the fire
You were always burnin'
And each time you're around
My body keeps stalin'
For your touch
Your kisses and your sweet romancin'
There's an underside to you
That so many adore
Aside from your temper
Everything else secure
You're good for me, baby
Oh that, I'm sure
Over and over again
I want more

You've used up all your coupons
And all you've got left is me
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness
I guess it's meant to be

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lovely
Underneath it all
And you're really lovely


ifor some reason, i happened to be listening to the words. timing seems to be a big thing in this relationship and i like how this song came up and said everything i needed to say. needless ot say i got so excited i msned dylan and pasted the lyrics into the window. i know, you could say it's just coincidence but i choose to believe otherwise. i dont think anyone can imagine how much the words truly describe the way i feel bout him.

and i think i like where this relationship is going. i dont wanna let go i don't wanna let go i don't wanna let go.

:: So Sorry - feist


i can hear the raindrops starting to slap against the leaves on the hibsicus tree outside. harder then softer then harder again; the rain is indecisive. or maybe it means to be that way. we duno. and it's stopped now.


since the last time i spoke to you, dylan has been divulging details of his family life as slowly as he feels comfortable to. knowing tt he grew up in a similar environment has made me feel closer to him. made me more certain that he understands my pain and also made me understand why he thinks the way he thinks and acts the way he does. makes me not regret being with lidong cos having tt relationship has made me appreciate the way dylan and i think the same way about family, the way we understand each others' priorities. i imagine tt i'd never be able to be this appreciative if i hadn't been with lidong because dylan is almost everything tt lidong is not.

it's uncanny how we had so many near misses- both of us had worked with wilderness A but just a few months apart. he wanted to u-dub and would've stayed in currie hall if he did but all tt didn't materialise. can only imagine where else we might have met in the past. it was a nearly a miss at the inncrowd- he was spposed to stay with the hostel for only a yr but ended hanging round for 2 yrs- and then i came along. God's pretty good with timing, we both agree.

we've had some pretty fiery disputes. and i duno how many times i've cried. cos i feel all messed up inside when he gets angry. it fucks me up and it makes me want to hurt myself, which i did when he was here. it makes me die inside like how i felt like i did when mummmy and daddy fought. but me and dylan, we'll be ok because we want to be. and we don't wanna be like the parents. i hope i didn't just jinx it by saying it out.

i'm not used to saying i love you and really really meaning it. maybe this is a good time to learn.

Wait, my open eyes are sorry now
You and me are in this together
I cry, I cry cos you're not here at all
I cannot be the only one

a little misunderstanding on msn. i don't have time for this- i need to do my ilectures and the fucking assignmt. bathing is also on the list i guess. and sleeping too. i don't like it when dylan is angry cos it makes me feel fucked up insde even though it's not his fault i feel this way. i wish we could call each other and talk bout it and then he'd turn up at my door and we'd hug real tight. and then we'd lie in bed together and i'd show him how my fingers dance to music and then we'd fall asleep, nice and warm. fuck you, hmwk, fuck you.

:: Dark Blue - jack's mannequin

i'm a caring person. this becomes a problem when it is mistaken for love. i hope i love dylan. he's willing to do this and that for me and for me only because i apparently make him a different person, presumably and evidently better than he used to be (taking the conventional sense of the word better). i can't say the same bout me. i'm happy with him most of the time, that's for sure. the 3letter word is good. -but i'm not going to change; not for anyone, not for him. it's not like i'm holding back consciously. i just don't feel compelled to change and so i won't. not for the better and hopefully not for the worse too. this, i feel, isn't doing the man justice.

i don't think i have self esteem problems in this area. it's just that i don't see myself coming across as very endearing when i'm in my anti social moods, which manifest more often than one would think possible. it bothers me a little bit that he is so determined to love me. it bothers me simply because i don't feel that same determination.


i just told dylan over the ph tt he shouldn't call so often. i need my space, i said. already that was difficult enough to break to him. why do i feel the need to drive pple away? why do i get bored so easily?

dylan is now back home. not the home he'd like to be in, but back home nevertheless. his being here with me was sweet, memorable, enlightening, slightly annoying, tasty, fun all at the same time. here are some of the things we enjoyed-










i bought a watch for $10 frm the guild village. nice.

lots of work to do tonight. prep for french tute tmr.
waxed legs and hehe today. hahahahahahahaa HEHE.
dylan's eta tmr: 2205
our eta: throughout the whole fucking night {;oP

in other news, i had lunch with maan today.

we- dylan and i - are gonna watch miss saigon and annie and the freo street fest. i'm afraid to expect too much because things never turn out good when i expect them to. so i will just do my french and try not to anticipate anything.

i have a wanderlust problem. i hope this is curable. this boy wants me for life and i don't want to let him down.

:: Gravity - sarah bareilles

it was a good day, today. well, yesterday technically. dylan gave me the wake up call i asked for and i managed to make it down for brekfast at 9.25. nice. had a nice brekfast chat with the morning people and then went back up to make my bed and took a leisurely shower.

went to school early to try and get the fren2215 Atlas text (no stock still) then went for semantics and then french. cept for sporadic zone out moments during french, my attention span was tiptop and of this i'm extremely proud. good job, amelia. why, thank you.

lunched at currie, then went with siwei to sign up for ceroc. and then meet ravi at the guild to buy our polsci bks. i can't believe i'm doing this again. overloading and being yaya. but i don't like letting go of things tt i've already started so oh well, plato here we come.

came back and napped with my door open as usual and then got woken up by the guys calling me frm across the hallway. i love my currie guys. haha what would i do without them, really?

then ceroc, then dinner at the girls' again. very shiok. never disappointing. i'm so lucky to have great friends.

today was a day i loved. i felt alive.


on a different note, i so did not appreciate the shit durga pulled on me while she was visiting. i wish i hadn't even met up with her in the first place. sometimes i wonder why i put up with nonsense like tt.


dylan has been so extremely accommodating and loving. once in a while, i feel i don't deserve it. this mornite i'm feeling a little like i'm missing melancholy. i guess i am pretty fucked up like tt eh? who wouldn't want to be eternally happy? i thought i wanted all tt but now tt i've found someone who takes this much pleasure in making sure i'm happy comfy safe and so very loved, i'm beginning to miss the feeling of pain wrenching my heart.

i don't think it's fair to dylan that i feel this way. it's extremely selfish cos i'm totally ruining his plans. i'm afraid i'll run out of love. when i was younger and dumber and more passionate and in love with andrew, i felt in my heart an eternal love which i'm afraid has now evaded my instincts.

i'm always afraid that if i have ugly or intellectually or emotionally impaired children, i'm going to run out of love. no, even when i have normal children, i can't guarantee i'll like them much. i know i know, if you squeeze something out of your cb like tt, how can you feel nothing yes? but i'm having trouble phathoming myself in love with anything for long. i told this to dylan and i think it upset him. he said i shouldn't talk like tt. wat is it these men expect of me? (not a rhetorical qn.) i know dylan says he doesn't expect anything. he wants all of me- good mood bad mood fat thin bitchy sweet watever. he says he has his moods too and we both know he can be nasty and all. but i know beneath all tt, he's not self-ish the way i am. he says he'll give up diving for me. but i could never give up my self-indulgent melancholy-addiction and my bouts of reckless hedonism. i feel sorry for him and i know i shouldn't. sometimes i ask myself if i love him. and i think i do but it's not the kind of deep deep unhealthy heartwrenching love i would prefer to feel. it's not him, it's just me; i think we're extremely compatible and that makes me feel always at home with him and it's reassuring. in other words, he's good for me, he's what i need. not forgetting, our undeniable mutual urge to copulate and make babies. but i duno if he's what i want. it somehow feels like i've lost capacity to love deeply like i wish i could. it's like tt with the pple who love me.

tell me it's just the distance. pls let it be the distance. this is upsetting me. i was gonna call him but i guess i won't do it now. i'm a terrible princess.

DYLAN
i like the way you say alright
without pronouncing R.
the way you hold me close at night
and tell me i'm your shining star.

i love your ego
i love your jokes
i even love the way you smoke

it made laugh so hard, the way you shook
when you met my parents.
you're so cute, i hope you know
(tt's one of your many talents).
you make me dance, you make me prance
you make me wanna kiss you
you always make me blush with your i love yous and i miss yous.
the way your eyes smile when you laugh at the silly things i say
the way you talk dirty, and the way you make me feel so purty.
you're so patient and sweet and loving with me
i can't even believe it.
i always feel at home with you
i love you, love you to bits.

dylan loves me so much. he loves me so much, he wants me to have his babies.
well he didn't say that exactly but i know he loves me that much and probably lots more.

he makes me blush when he talks dirty and when he talks mushy.

no drugs no rocknroll.

work has been draining me lately. actually it's more likely the going out late and sleeping late that's been knocking me out but i'll just blame it on work right now. been having heaps of fun at the hostel though. had some really fucked up guests but i like the pple i work with and how casual everything is.

oh there was this stupid old austrian guy who demanded to know where shee-ahn-too-ahn road was.

stupid old man demands: i want to know where shee-ahn-too-ahn road is.
me: (AH? apa lu cakap sia?) er i'm not too sure.. but maybe if you show me how it's spelt i can give you a better idea of where it is..?
s.o.m. retorts: SHEE AHN. you know, like in china.
me: (ER FUCK NO, I DUNNNNO.)
s.o.m. reads from notebook: x-i-a-n-t-u-a-n, shee ahn too ahn.
me:(WTF) oh xiantuan rd...... what place are you looking for at xiantuan rd?
s.o.m. scoffs: i could tell you but you probably won't know it.
me: (ORH. like tt, then you ownself go and cari lor... fuckwit.)
s.o.m.: i'm looking for 'goeusthihweich' (or something nonsense like that)
me: oh ok. is that a german restaurant?
s.o.m. gives me TSK look: it's AUSTRIAN.
me: (TSK your head lah. at least i know austrians also speak german lor. you, on the other hand, probably still think singapore is part of china)
su: oh 'goeusthihweich' (pronounces it perfectly).... i know where that is.
s.o.m.: you have been there before?
su: no but i know where it is. i've seen it before.
s.o.m. so you have gone there before.
su: NO.
s.o.m.: so how do you say the restaurant name in chinese?
su: IN CHINESE?!
me: look, my friend doesn't speak chinese and not everything here has a chinese name.

.....

alicia told me later tt the guy apparently came back and told her very rudely 'i want to take a bus to peninsular plaza.' haha wtf. er.. ORH ok. go LOR! no one stopping you. haha. she told him to take a bus frm victoria street and he said no it's too far. he wants to take one frm little india. so she told him to call transitlink and ask them to make a new bus service just for him. HAHAHHA. yea, take that, betch!

last day fo work is this fri and i'm a bit sad already to be leaving. alicia made french onion soup for us today. it was daaaaaaaaaamn good. i was tempted to take dylan's share cos he was taking so long to finish up.

dylan asked me to watch the diving bell and the butterfly with him on monday night. cos it was the only night both of us weren't working. this whole week i work morning till fri and he works night tues-fri. he said wanna go watch movie again this weekend. i'm speculating you know what. he said his movie kaki left for aust already. not sure if he was referring to marc. i shouldn't speculate- i'm just a movie kaki yes? tt's what he said. anyway i'm trying not to perpetuate the near-misses trend tt began for me in ottawa. like a guy then leave the country. not very practical. but then again, i'm all for the experience, no?


su came back frm bali today and brought back the cutest pack of cigarettes i'd ever seen. and it was sampoerna too. she offered me one but i said i'd just take a few puffs frm hers to just try try. very disappointed. tasted like a regular but extremely light cigarette. i thought it'd be sweeter. maybe it was the kaya toast tt ruined the taste. i'm gonna cook jap curry for them tmr.

karin called just now. {:oDDD

kawan maan leaves for perth tmr morning. i hooope he catches his morning flight.

oh ya, i met up with andrew week before last week. walked round town, talked cock. it was nice. he still looks pretty much the same. not sure how i was expecting him to change.duno if i'm gonna have time to meet up again.

ooo i wanna go for switch at butter factory this sat. only gone clubbing ONCE since i got back. tt time with debra at arena where i bumped into wei jie. but we only stayed for less than two hrs. not enough kick for me.

ok uploading pics.

i can't decide whether or not that was a date. mm i guess not. hah. it was nice anyhow. mornite, amelia. don't forget to wake up for work tomorrow. still gotta wash hair.

bumped into nadia olisa on the mrt at potong pasir yesterday after leaving godma's hse after having lunch with her and napping at her place after the singing sessions at the old folks home. before i said bye, i said 'say hi to the rest for me' and she was like 'ya i will, they'll be surprised to hear i met you on the train...' and something bout how they'll be like 'oh ya wat happened to amelia' and all that and suddenly i wondered why i even said what i said. you know you didn't mean it, amelia. ya i know i didn't. what a betch, eh? haha. i guess i was just extremely desperate to dissipate the overwhelming air of awkwardness and whydoihavetobehere feeling. i did a bit of thinking (very little, in fact) and concluded that i wasn't interested in what they would have to say about me. i stopped being interested a long time ago and i've been relatively happy. so there.

met the durgs for dinner today at the usual place at wisma. talked bout the ex-relationship and i ended up getting emo on the way home, thanks to the crash test dummies.

Running into you like this without warning
is like catching a sniff of tequila in the morning
But I'll try, I'll try to keep my food down
That's quite an after-taste that you've left
now that you're not around

You can just pretend we're not in the same room
Well, alright, I'll just mosey to the bathroom
You flew by like a summer vacation
And you left me with TV-movies and a messy kitchen

I think I'll disappear now, slip out sideways
Just for awhile - but until then I'll stay in and sleep late, excuse me
I'll buy a fast car, I'll drive fast from here
There's a beach I haven't seen since last year -
It's far, but I like night drives
It just makes it nicer when I do arrive

Aren't you going to miss me?
Aren't you going to even say one thing to me anymore?

Well, you can bet that I'll forget how it was then
All the drives to your farm for the weekend
But I've seen the swimsuit magazines
And I've smelled tequila first thing in the morning

pretty much sums it up.

and then there's that magnetic fields song. i couldn't think of a better way to put it.

I don't want to get over you.
I guess I could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will
And not have to go through what I go through.
I guess I should take Prozac, right,
And just smile all night at somebody new,
Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind
who would try to get you off my mind.
I could leave this agony behind which is just what I'd do if I wanted to,
But I don't want to get over you cause
I don't want to get over love.
I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist
And not have to dream of what I dream of;

I could listen to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough,
Or I could make a career of being blue
I could dress in black and read Camus,
Smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth like I was 17
that would be a scream
But I don't want to get over you.

mm i love clever lyrics like that. i wanna write a clever song like that before i die.

so i came home and looked out the living room window and looked dwn and i was half expecting to see lidong come out frm under the void deck and wave at me. emo slut. tsk, i am not an emo slut. but seriously, do you ever suddenly get the feeling that out of the blue, someone just picked you up and for no reason placed you on a different section of the timeline travelator thing? for a moment it was like that for me and it was like i had gone back in time. but obviously no lidong appeared. so i looked up at the sky and noticed for the very first time, that i could see the stars. which was strange cos i'd never noticed before that they were visible from the living rm window. i even spotted the tiny tiny tiny ones. i like surprises like that. then i thought bout what lidong would see if he were there with me. would he have spotted the tiny stars too? i'd imagined he'd have a hard time understanding how i could be so enthralled and delighted by a bunch of tiny stars. and then i concluded that this is why we're not together anymore.

because it's not in the stars, really.

(pun UNINTENDED!! really... i just thought of it. how anti-climatic. i think i totally just blew my emo post. hah. tsk, what a lame shit.)
i think it's time for bed.

i was at work yesterday when a cliff richard song played on the radio: it's so funny.. how we don't taaalk anymore.... it's so funny how we don't taaaalk anymooore..


oh, et g pas échoué à lin2310A en passant.

occasionally i feel lonely. this is one of those occasions.

:: the familiar white noise that is cars whizzing down the expressway

i got a job! and a good one, which pays well too. the girl told me the pay was ognna be low and i was crossing my fingers please.. not 4.50 or less.. and then she said 6/hr. i was like oh. stun tiok. tt's ok what. i was looking for anything 6 and more /hr anyway.

working at The InnCrowd Backpackers Hostel near tekka mkt for the next month or so. so far the colleagues are nice and the work is fun. today was my first day. i got to wash bed linen and blankets all throughout my shift, clean the kitchen, handle some check-ins and -outs, walk the boarders to the other building if they're staying there, answer questions bout singapore. and i even had french customers today! which was pretty lucky for them and for me cos of all days they chose to arrive on a day after the hostel hires a their first francophone crew/person/runner/sai-gang person, and the woman could hardly speak english so she was a bit relieved to have me translate what my colleagues said. and good for me cos i was hoping that my new job would allow me to practise my french so i won't forget.

i wish i knew, karin.

i was on medication yesterday. walked round like a wide-eyed zombie, unblinking. then knocked out on my bed at daddy's hse for more than 12 hrs. i've been feeling very uncomfortable with myself since the last day of last year. happy new year. we start off with a dose of antihistamines and a little rehashing of past afflictions.

i was slightly afraid of coming back here. the last time i came back, i went to town and in one outing i bumped into five people i knew. i was afraid of that kind of luck. how was i gonna go downtown without running the risk of bumping into lidong, or his family, or any lidong-related acquaintances? but, watever. thanks to not having caller-id, i inadvertently answered two of his calls on new years eve (which i nervously but promptly hung up). he later msged me saying that he sortof figured i'd been hanging up on him and i should save his number so i wouldn't have to bother answering at all and hinted that if i decided to call him, we might have a conversation. that made me feel a bit bad- not for blatantly ignoring him, but for the fact that i hung up on him. he always hated that.


i've always been not very good at ignoring people. i didn't think it'd be too difficult this time. since i had nothing left to say to him since that last conversation we had. and after what he had said to me, i didn't think he was ever going to bother himself with me either.

"... n pls dun flatter urself, i dun care that much for u anymore, not enuff to form an opinion of u at least"

i thought of us a bit when i first got back. the way we were and everything. i was just being sentimental.. and/or horny/ovulating. and then i'd remember what he said and then it'd made me upset all over again. not angry upset or sad upset or even emo upset. just empty and confused upset. i've always believed that it's better to sort things out if it means making life more comfortable but i have nothing left to say and i cannot imagine what he would want to say to me now. i'm not sure if apologies would even matter right now (though i really cannot imagine him feeling sorry about anything he said to me). maybe it's just to talk?... talk? eh? i don't think i could concentrate. it still makes me cringe.

i don't know what to do with myself. i wish karin were here. i need a job.