i'm not sure how i feel now. i asked karin why do i keep caring? i guess it's some innate trait of mine tt i'll never understand. maybe it's my real purpose in life - just to care. and i will carry the world's cares with me and when my candle goes out, i will pull all these woes with me into the darkness. and i will rid the world of it's burden... well at least some of it.

i piss me off when i give figs bout things i don't need to give figs about. but then if i don't care, who will?
like those graves at choa chu kang cemetery - if i don't put flowers on them, who will? there are these grassy mounds- graves of pple who didn't have anyone to care for them, or anyone who could afford to. i always take some of granny's flowers and put them on each weed-encroached tomb (i'm sure granny doesn't mind). one day, i will persuade someone- anyone- to go there with me, armed with a whole truckload of flowers. and we'll set out to remember all the pple who were forgotten; to give them credit for even making it through part of this life. there always something bout the cemetery tt i find reassuring, soothing.
i stand in its tranquility and there seems to be a lull in time. and all tt exists is me and the stillness.

i've forgotten why i started writing today. i'm spposed to be panicking bout commissues and newswriting assignmts, but the panic hasn't quite set in yet. so we'll just sit and wait.
sometimes i realise i care without really loving. is tt wrong? even if it's not wrong, i don't like caring without loving - it feels insincere. but i can't help it. or maybe i love pple without knowing it; kindof like emotional amnesia - when i subconsciously push aside feelings i want to avoid, like love... because love hurts, baby. it does.