i don't know whether i'm crying because of the pain, or because i'm just so sad. i have tis very rueful look on my face now. i'm not sure anyone cares though; pple think it's just anothe rone of my issues. maybe it is. i don't care, i just want this agony to stop.

just when i begin to find emotional stability, my wasted body crumbles beneath me. in case you need me to fill you in, the cartilage in my knees has worn off and so the pain in my joints is killing me. wat's also very painful is the jogging-abstinence the doctor has imposed on me. i know, pple all say Big deal... just don't jog lah. you dont' understand - i feel so helpless. i duno how i'm gonna go to work on wednesday and lawry's carolling next wk. and i probably have to forgo the china black party too. the pain is draining me. this is all so daunting. i hate being sickly. in case you don't know, i like to run, and i like to play badminton (not good at either, but i do it anyway). and in case you didn't know, i love to jump and dance when i'm high and happy. i don't wanna talk bout this anymore. it's painful to not be able to dance.

on saturday, i realised (not for the first time; but i was very very sure this time) tt performing makes me high. it was st. cecilia's choir feast day, i went up on stage to sing Je Ne Veux Pas Travailler. following, they all managed to persuade me to stay on stage and sing my trademark song - I Will Survive. i think it was a dynamic performance (this i could tell frm audience reaction), and i didn't realise how high i was till i got off stage and realised tt i couldn't stop trembling frn the adrenalin rush. it feels good to perform well. which is also why i'm so devastated bout my knee injury; it might mean i can't sing at lawry's.