it was a very horrible first half of the week. now it's better but not good yet.

i've been dreading going to church for the past few weeks. it's cos i find tt no one really talks to me there anymore. it's weird tt i'm saying this cos i'm not sure why i bother. i guess i'm so used to having pple to talk to tt now tt antonia's in nz, debra macam not in choir anymore, and denise and ian are like best buddies, i suddenly find myself feeling quite alone. of course, there's michelle and jason and all but they've got their own cliques and stuff. i don't wanna talk to the older pple like aunty june and aunty grace and jaslyn all. they think i'm just some sweet talented girl and they treat me so proper i to hate it. playing with baby sam gets boring and is very tiring. the only person whom i can think of who actually really likes to hang out with me is ethel. she's 10 and she's funny and she's not bratty. so i guess tt's the only thing tt doesn't suck. maybe it's not tt pple don't wana talk me. but i guess i've just been round for so long tt i've kindof melted into the whole picture, like a piece of furniture or something; or maybe i've passed my expiry date already.

i know it's an irony tt i complain i've no one to talk to in church; aren't i sppose to talk to God? oh tainted little amelia, i really don't know.

why is it i feel myself becoming less confident and more insecure since the past few weeks (or months?)? i'm slowly breaking into pieces. see me floating, floating, away...

today i suddenly found tt i like the song Even When I'm Sleeping, by Leonardo's Bride (karin sent me last time). so i listened to it a lot and a lot of times. i always get like tt - wake up one day and suddenly fall in love with something i've never noticed before. like the time i suddenly realised maybe i didnt hate tofu so much. and the time i suddenly fell in love with tt skid row song. like tt.