discomposition.

i heard the song and i suddenly felt so happy. but upon realising tt i couldn't find out the title or where i had heard it, i got angry. no it wasn't anger. it was fucking rage.
in pri sch, it was breaking my pencils and biting myself and breaking other pple's pencils and biting them (the pple, not the pencils). then somewhere along the way, pencils dropped out of fashion and i figured biting pple wouldn't make me very popular. my head hurts now and i feel like vomiting cos i hit myself continuously for a few seconds just now, right after banging my head against the door and throwing my face into my bolster. but there was discord and that chord in my head and i couldn't squeeze it out (literally). i make no effort to boast of the bravado (if you may call it so) of my irk-ful fits; i just write this dwn so tt in case i die mysteriously someday, pple might know why.

i must remind myself tt this is also why i chose masscomm over early childhood. don't want to imagine wat i'd do to my charges if i snapped like i did just now. it's like someone flips a switch and all of a sudden i need to get out of myself. hitting myself continuously isn't something i can control. only one word comes to mind - autism.

when i watch videos of myself as a kid, i always get the feeling tt the kid in the video is autistic. maybe it was the epilepsy medication, maybe it wasn't. i really need to puke and my head really hurts now. the talking to myself, the phase of obsessive compulsive behaviour, the phobias, the 101 vomit-triggers, the loathing physical contact (i used to hit or brush myself on the spot where anyone touched me), the repeating phrases from pple's conversations (only shakil was observant enough to notice this; even i don't sometimes)... i can't help it tt i don't feel like everyone else. i guess it isn't obvious cos i've subconsciously assimilated. still, i feel different when i'm alone.

i'm not asking for attention when i tell pple all this. i don't think it's help i want either. it's just tt my head hurts now and i am wondering why.