today was screwed up like yesterday. only difference was the time of day. and again i thought to myself tt i wanted to end it. PERIOD. NO MOre. bye bye amelia. bye bye world. bye bye conscious subconscious unconscious. no, not really suicide. i just wanted to not be alive. i fell asleep on the way back home, the tears in my eyes sealing my lids nicely shut. and in the moment before i woke up, in the silence between REM and non-REM, i thought i had really died and i was bout to be happy.

i have to catch myself in a moment of pure happiness and then jump. i played a little scene in my head of dancing and smiling and landing, the smile a little crooked but still on her face and the music still playing in the background and no one around to be sad over it. tt was nice.

the wind tonight blows through my window to kiss my face and make my cheeks feel colder. and so this is Christmas and what have we done.

listening to: Whispering Actually, i can make a mess like nobody's business