i'm going to go to sleep and wake in an hour to decide how to spend the last hrs of this year. most pple have the tendency to do some sort of reflection at the end of the yr but this year has rolled in and will soon be out so here's mine, quickly.

it is with a stoned sadness tt i admit tt i can't recall much of this year, or at least not in a very coherent way. everything's just a jumble and the passing of this parade seems nothing more than a very long one night stand (or at least it's how i presume the latter would feel).

it's sickening how much grace is upon me sometimes, but i'm grateful for the absence of calamities in my life. i was enjoying my food at simpang just now when i realised tt i was no longer feeling down the way i was a few wks ago, and i smiled inside cos tt would have been a horrible way to end the yr. i won't lament how uneventful and impertinent this yr seems compared to 02.
i guess there isn't anything really special bout the new year. it could have been yesterday, a day in may, or even my birthday, but it just happened tt this particular 24 hrs leads up to a certain 1st of january tt happens to be on a separate calender frm the preceding 24 hrs. but maybe we adamantly insist on making such a hoohaa bout it cos we want to feel like we've changed or are going to change. no, there's nothing wrong with tt.

Where is my master the rebel prince
Who will shut all of these windows
It's these windows all around me
It's these windows who are telling me
To rid my dirty mind of all of its preciousness
(rufus wainwright)


i still love andrew in a way tt i can't love anyone else.
i desperately need a change in my life (see: travel, get a job, watever).
i want to start saving a bit more of my own money.
i want to stop being so dependent.
i want to feel fit again.
i want to pray more.
i want to know the joy of writing a song tt pple will love.
i want to experience new things.
i want to do something(someone?) tt i love.


Let's just get naked
Just for a laugh
Let's just get naked
It's a trip and a half
(joan osborne)

i was made to go to a church just now and kneel and pray in the adoration room. i've always wanted so much to be good (just as much as i want to be bad) but i'm constantly find myself stifled by an awkwardness tt i can't handle. still, i want so much for the world to be good and kind and for pain to be ameliorated in a way tt will keep us loving but not forgetting how to hurt.

i was spposed to make a trip to lalaland 2 hrs ago but i'm still writing this.
and this is me. see you next year.