saturday - which was yesterday, which was a few hrs ago - was the worst day i can remember having. so empty and so thoughtless. like.. 24 hrs of haunting, taunting vacuum, so destitute of meaning.

just the other day, i looked up frm my pasta to find charlene giving me a concerned look. i didn't realise i'd been wearing an extremely triste expression. i guess it comes bout frm having little to smile at these days. i'm not like tt usually. normally my moods go up down up down but now, they just fade away, leaving nothing. nothing. i do try to do stuff tt i think will lift my spirits but everything just makes me feel more kangkor. i think it's like i turn off the lights and close my eyes and wake up the next day to darkness because the the sun got spoilt and the last bulb on earth blew so i'm stuck in the black and it wont matter anymore whether or not my eyes are open. now i wish i could trick myself into being happy by drawing pictures of ice cream and the pearly gates, like i used to when i was in younger.

baby clive's bday party soon. i wanna swim but i dont wanna wax so i cant. maybe i'll stay home and do M1 research which i haven't started. maybe i'll go for a movie with daddy. maybe i will die tomorrow and then you can be my first and last. i guess i don't really love pple; i'm merely extremely concerned with/for them.