i’ve always thought tt becoming more tolerant would make life a bit easier. Well, it sounds like it makes sense doesn’t it? not being so fussy and opening up to anything and everything and waiting for fate to jump out of nowhere and surprise me; how could anything go wrong if i didn't expect anything got begin with? oh but listlessness can be as vexing and as deadly as missing any goal, hints the boyfriend. i think i just need to keep changing.

it bothers me sometimes tt i keep wishing i were things tt i never have the energy or capacity to be. and it saddens me tt it took me a while to realise i was interested in more things than i previously knew. so opportunities have passed and all i do is sit and rant and occasionally offer myself lame ass consolations such as spending ridiculous amounts of money at watsons/guardian pharmacy/convenience stores. maybe i like feeling like i'm part of some poignant tale - you know, the one where the protaganist is an aspiring bohemian whose waist is expanding and whose pocket is shrinking... maybe i keep all this up to feed my restless self.


i told myself ok let's go jogging today. then mother and stepfather says just now, oh we're going downstairs for a downstairs walk too. and tt totally put me off. i just don't want to be around anyone and considering the size of 'downstairs', it's more than likely i'll bump into them. i treasure my alone time more than most pple realise and i will not feel obligated to offer reasons.

see, now i'm just becoming a cranky slob. this is not helping.

i'm very troubled by my weight and the amount of excess flab i'm putting on. i hate it when i tell pple shit i've been putting on a lot of weight and i feel very unhealthy and i cannot buckle evry single pair of pants i own without suffocating myself and they respond by saying no lah, you're not fat wat. does anyone understand tt i'm not comparing myself to anyone but myself? i don't need feeble statements of consolation. and besides, if anyone was using their fucking ears they would've realised tt i never implied tt i was very fat, but rather tt i am fatter, and tt this would entail a wardrobe revamp which would inevitably cost me some amount of money.